Private Tunnel Vision

[Darth Daiara]

"No, I don't." Her voice wrapped around his shoulder as her attention waned onto the monitors overhead. If he only knew how close they had come to one dead and the other lost. She didn't say it. Part of her didn't want him to see her different. They were both worried about the opinion of the other. She let him complain, her resolve already made.

"Give it some time. I want to see you eat." You almost died. "And the doctor ordered plans for a temporary cybernetic. It won't be fancy, but you'll be able to see. At least until we can figure something else out."

She pulled away, expression contained as she looked over the hollow where an eye should be. "I didn't want to give them a reason to run you," she admitted under her breath.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"You don't?" Rhetorical, quiet, weak, the words rolled off his tongue. No, of course she didn't. They both knew better. Zaavik pulled a face, feeling like a fool for even having suggested it. That really only left him with the Vesta option, didn't it? As long as the plan he'd made with Kaalia Pavanos still stood, that option would hold a deadly risk, and Zaavik wasn't keen on cancelling it.

An opportunity to get closer, pick up more intel? Maybe. It didn't change the fact that objectively, that guidance would be crucial going forward. If he lost his grip like that again, either he would be dead or someone else would be. Zaavik could cling to a hope that Allyson had made it, live with the pain if she didn't. If it was Aradia, he doubted he could bear it nor live with himself.

"I can see just fine," he contended. In his head, he was trying to build a case for leaving without the synthetic. Half the organs in his body were artificial, rakghoul plague had seen to their destruction. His left arm was prosthesis, ghost pain still occurring nightly where an Imperial Knight's blade had severed flesh. Sixty percent of his face had been reconstructed, permanent synthskin and bonemold made it look like the crash on Byss had never happened. Now his eye wouldn't be real, either? How much more of himself could he stand to lose?

It disgusted him suddenly, pent-up feelings of unwholeness breaking their chains.

"I don't want it!" he argued. "We don't have time. Can we please just go? I'll eat when we're somewhere safer. Not running me won't make a difference if the wrong person notices me."

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia's expression pinched, her calm broken wave a wave of thinly concealed agitation. She went up on her elbows as he pulled back for protest. Was it cruel to say she had expected this? Everything about him was predictable, down to the point that she should have seen this all coming.

It was frustrating-- no, infuriating. Not even a minute in and he was already pulling this? She didn't have it in her to reason with him anymore. Kindness wasn't making it through that thick head.

"You know if you took your head out of your ass long enough you would see how much you're fucking chit up. Vjun-- this. If you just listened to me for a moment-- if you trusted me and didn't act like I was a dimwitted rock-- you would still have that eye, I wouldn't have nearly died, and no one would be on our tail."

She sat up and bristled.

"You make a chit partner."

 

[Zaavik Perl]

Unaccompanied, Zaavik's eye narrowed sharply as he loured. A hundred different responses crawled to the tip of his tongue and lingered. Jaw quivered, every ounce of effort he could muster dedicated to silence. A pain even worse than the one in his skull tightened around his chest. Anger became disconsolation, tears returning under the surviving tightly-shut optic.

"I didn't mean-" No. He didn't let himself say it. Instincts like a cornered animal sent violent restlessness through his bones. Abrupt yank of his arm tore every monitor from his body at once. Both legs swung to one side, giving out the moment they tried to support his weight. Arm against the wall, he caught himself, scrambled for balance. A quick plucking motion snatched his jacket from a visitors seat.

A doctor came through the door just as Zaavik had slipped it on. A pre-implant kit for Zaavik's temporary prosthetic was in his hands. "Move," Zaavik ordered as she grabbed the shorter man's shoulder and shoved him aside. Glass shattered as the kit hit the floor, synthmembrane fluid pooled in a greenish puddle.

"A-are you refusing treatment!?" the Doctor called as his disgruntled patient traversed the hall.

"Eat chit!" Must have been a yes.

Zigzag staggering drew attention. Bare feet slapped against tile, then concrete. Gown and jacket did little for Umbra's cold. The bottom of Zaavik fist slammed into his ship's landing gear as he found it. A deliberate pulse through the force made the loading ramp open. Knees gave out on the incline. He crawled his way up into the ship anyhow. Another strike as he found his way to his feet closed it behind him.

Engines began to start up moments later.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia had put a surprising amount of effort into picking out that temporary eye.

She stared at its smashed parts lolling across the ground, the stunned silence from the doctor not reaching her. Her nostrils flared in agitation, her temperament souring further under the corruption's touch.

She nearly left him then and there-- grabbed her ship and went back to Vesta-- Kaalia-- somewhere! But he had already dragged himself inside. By the time she reached her gangplank she had cooled enough to not ditch a ship for a petty fight.

Was it even petty? He dragged his naked ass out of a hospital to avoid help.

He never trusted her help.

The door was slammed shut with the force. She ignored the protest of the gears and pushed to what had once been her room. She didn't trust herself to talk. She didn't even think talking to him would matter. He would take them exactly where it was he wanted to go and that would be that.

She fell into her old pillow and screamed. Things were feeling out of her control.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

Coordinates set for Maena, Zaavik remained conscious just long enough to take the ship into hyperspace.

It was hours later when he came to, with another forty-five minutes still left in the jump. The ship was as quiet as a Coruscant mausoleum aside from the persist hum of the hyperdrive. Zaavik winced, it was never this way, and he didn't like it. She was still mad, he could feel it. Before he had time to dwell on it, his stomach growled against the ship's quiet.

Clothes came first. Instant Nuna-legs from frozen came afterward. As the easy meal was prepared, he found himself glancing over to the crew quarters door. Every time hoping she'd come out. It didn't take him long to figure she wasn't going to. Of course not. Despite the protests of his stomach, he split the portion onto a second plate.

The toe of his boot kicked the threshold of the quarter's door. Quick mech-deru finesse overrode the lock, coaxed it open. He stepped in, forced himself not to hesitate when met with the sight of her brooding. The plate with her half seemed inordinately loud as it tapped onto the bedside table. Steam still rose off the instant-cooked meat.

"Maena is only a few minutes away," he informed whist taking a step back, still holding his own plate upright. "I'm uh-" Free hand scratched the short hairs behind his neck. "I need you to help me land." Even cooking something as simple as a ultrawave meal was difficult with impaired depth perception. It was hard to imagine landing a ship solo like this.

 

[Darth Daiara]

She didn't look at him as the door hissed open. A petty part of her had been waiting for it, holding out just so he could be the one the extend the first hand.

"I'm sure you'll manage."

Just so she could slap it back. It didn't feel as good as she thought it would, but it was something to distract her from the pit in her chest. The smell of meat reached her. It had been days since she had eaten more than a handful. It wasn't helping the thick way her thoughts kept twisting in her head. Rationality felt so far away now. They had never fought like this before.

She make herself stop.

"You've never needed me before." She turned on her side, giving him and the peace offering her back.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"No, I don't think I will," Zaavik contended. No one ever mentioned how hard it was to judge distances with only one eye. He'd already lost track of all the little bumps and misses since he came to. Lifting the ship and throttling into hyperspace was easy enough, but he couldn't imagine landing like this. Without a working land-assist module, it would be a fully manual maneuver. It wouldn't have been a problem with two eyes. Even one eye might have been enough if it weren't for the landing locale.

"You've never needed me before."

"What are you-" talking about? Zaavik sighed, choking off his own words as realization came to him. Silence's grip tightened, made the air feel heavy. "I know you're still mad," he began apologetically. "But unless you're okay with me crashing this thing into the estate, I really need your help." Don't blame me when we're sticking out of a wall, he thought. A navigational chime rang into the dormitory from the cockpit console. It was a preliminary notice for an oncoming hyperspace egress.

"We're about to enter the system. You still have time to eat." Looks like he'd be taking his to the pilot seat. Uneven clamor of his boots echoed his limp as he made for the dormitory door. Someone had to put them on course, and it apparently wasn't going to be her. "We can talk once we're on the ground," he suggested. Partly because he wanted to, partly because he didn't want to drift unalert through space in the off chance they were followed.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia laid there until he left, her vision blurring on the wall as she was left to her brooding silence.

Of course she would come. She didn't want to die and he knew it, it was practically blackmail. She burned another minute just to make him squirm, then huffed and shoved herself out of her bed.

Her arrival into the cockpit was understated and cold. The plate of food was left behind, only one of them eating as she wordlessly prepped her stats for landing.

Because of course she'd help. This didn't mean she forgave him. She didn't. But above all she was frustrated with herself. If she hadn't fallen behind then maybe he wouldn't have kept leaving her behind. It sounded stupid but it was the only place she could level that blame that she could actually control.

Not even their partnership felt in her hands anymore.

Her throat burned, the lump growing bigger as she lowered them onto the lava-infested planet. Home, she guess. The touch down was soft. Her fingers released the clutch, a tense silence hanging in the air.

"Would you have come back? If you hadn't lost your eye." She finally uttered, unable to look at him.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

Arrival onto solid ground came with an odd sense of relief. Maena felt like a haven, as sinister as it was beneath the surface. Zaavik's chest and shoulders sank as a sigh escaped his lungs. Slowly, he crumpled backward into his chair and let his head hang backward off the top edge.

"Would you have come back? If you hadn't lost your eye."

That feeling of relief and safety fizzled when reality reared its head again. Zaavik offered a glance toward Aradia. An empathetic look, though tainted with an undertone of the kind of regard you'd give toward a stupid question. "Of course I woulda," he assured genuinely. Did she really think he was going to delta altogether had he not taken a blade to the cornea?

"I'm sorry," he conceded. "That I lied, that I disappeared and left you wondering." A guilty hand hid behind the back of his neck, scratched his hairline quietly. "I wasn't trying leave, I planned to come back, I just-" Moment of hesitation felt much longer than the few seconds it occupied.

"Ever since Vjun, I dunno, I didn't want to put you or myself through that again. I thought it would be better that way." Zaavik looked at his feet, obvious shame resonating from his words. "It's not that I don't think you're capable, or that I think you need me to protect you, either. I know better than that."

The point was missing. She didn't need to tell him to spit it out, he was already doing that himself. Eventually, under unseen pressure, he blurted, "If I go down I don't want to take you down with me, okay!?"

 

[Darth Daiara]

Blood welled up around her nail as she picked the skin back. It was easier than facing him. She had had a whole day and a night to fill the blanks between his disappearance. None of it had been good. She had been braced for the worse, ready to take on a life without him because moving on was the only option.

Until she heard his reason. Then she reeled in shock.

"That's what this is about? Zaavik, it's my life. I'm free now, it's my choice where I chose to risk it. Not yours, or theirs. Not anyones. If I want to die at your side then I damn well will!"

 

[Zaavik Perl]

A contemplative frown overtook his features. Could she be satisfied with that? If he brought her down with him, could she reflect in the next life with no regrets? Could he? Regardless, she was right, it wasn't his choice where and how she risked her life. Even if he couldn't help feeling a strong sense of solicitude.

That was normal though, wasn't it?

"I know, I know," he maintained. "You're right." Up from his boots, he gave Aradia an apologetic look. It lingered wordlessly while he thought of what to say next. He couldn't find anything at first, eye contact strayed across to the console. Not letting himself dwell on her gaze gave him the space to think. Words came to a head on his tongue.

"I wasn't trying to be selfish, but I can't help caring." Second wind, emboldened, he met Aradia's regard again with a tight exhale. "I'll-" Part of him warned against making an assurance he wasn't sure whether or not he could keep. Good intentions tainted and destroyed by impulse and fear was the bane of his entire life. That part of him lost yet again. "I won't piss off like that or lie about it again."

Did he mean it? He hoped so. Every part of him self was sincere in the moment, but his own mind was his biggest foil. Zaavik clung to hope that she'd forgive him. It would be different this time. It would have to be.

 

[Darth Daiara]

It was hard not to feel his regret. It tainted the air like blood in water. He was sorry. She knew it. It was hard to make the fury inside of her understand it though. Part of her was still itching for a fight... if just to get have an outlit for rolling emotions inside of her.

She couldn't do this anymore. Not with him.

Her shoulders crumbled, her posture slouching into the chair. Her head throbbed with lack of sleep and hunger, both of which she continued to ignore.

"It's not just about the lying, Zaavik. ...When you were gone,I thought you were dead. It was like in a blink, my purpose was done. I didn't know what to do with myself, this has all been for us," she admitted, her voice lackluster.

"I like doing this. I left the empire for this, you're not dragging me down. I always knew death was gonna catch up to me, so if we die here? At least it will be on my terms. For once. Don't take that from me."

 

[Zaavik Perl]

All rigidity in Zaavik's posture left on the current of a sharp exhale. He sagged, mopped a dry face with clammy palms. Shame-filled stare tilted back down to the floor, kept itself firmly aimed at a speck of dirt. Insight on her feelings gave him a new perspective. One that gave the guilt a different kind of sting. Uncertainty and upheaval were the same feelings he'd clawed and fought through after Vjun.

Empathizing with a familiar pain morphed enervated concession into feeling like an ass. Even with what he believed were good intentions, he still ended up doing the wrong thing. What was supposed to be an act of selflessness was instead selfish and destructive. Was it hubris? The self-depreciating part of his conscience asserted that he just wasn't smart enough to know better.

Maybe she was right after all.

"I won't," he assured meekly.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia sank down into the seat, her vision blurring over the controls she shut down through muscle memory alone.

"Okay," she echoed, the steam leaving her voice. "Thank you." It was too much energy to remain angry at him, especially now that he understood. Without the fight to fuel her sleep deprived limbs she quickly fell numb. Cold. Like the world sat behind a haze and she couldn't be bothered to tear it down. The Aradia he knew would try to reach out and mend the bridge, but this one sat there in silence, tainted eyes staring at the council.

She stood up abruptly, fabric rustling.

"I'm going in."

Something was off. Maybe it was the energy of this cursed estate but for the first time... she blended in. She brushed by him.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

Switches and buttons signaled systems to shut down at the behest of Zaavik's hand. Like reflections, they autopiloted aside one another to terminate the ship's processes. He sat still and quiet, practically unanimated. It was hard to figure out where to go from there. From the feel of it, he could have wagered nowhere. Until she spoke. The edge to it was gone, that was one good sign. Her willingness to thank him and let it go was the second.

Zaavik stood as well, acting more on his gut than really considering what he was doing. As she brushed by, his hand caught her arm, grazed down it as she moved before stopping around the wrist with a closed grasp. "Wait," he implored with a caution comparable to tiptoeing over a minefield. This could very well set her off if her conviction to walk off was strong enough.

He tried anyway.

"You're not in any hurry, right?" he asked, slowly and gradually tugging to turn her toward him. Assailing grasp worked its way down to her hand while his other reached for hers. "You must be tired."

 

[Darth Daiara]

Lines of exhaustion melted into her cheeks and answer for her, the girl finally looking up to hold his singular gaze.

"I'm not the one that nearly died today." But she knew what he was offering. It was the same thing he always offered-- a night in the ship. The illusion of freedom helped him sleep, not that he ever said it.

She had told vesta she just needed half a day. It had been four. She was lucky her master wasn't one for punctuality or control, it made Zaavik's impulses palatable even tonight.

Cold fingers twitched to life... then tightened inside his grasp.

She sighed and relented, shaking her head in confirmation. "We can stay. But only if you let me call in a physician tomorrow."

Check mate.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

Should have seen that coming. Zaavik pursed his lips with concession. By the look on her face, it was already clear she knew she had him. A conqueror's smugness packaged strikingly well behind disarming blue eyes. He blew out a held breath and nodded. "Fine," he conceded. Not only because he was cornered, but because her continued insistence assured him that she still cared despite all of this. With what she'd said earlier, he'd experienced a fear he hadn't felt before. The fear that he'd blown it. The urge to contend with her on it was weaker than the desire to keep that anxiety staved away.

Dual handholds became a low, waistbound embrace. Slow consolidation of either arm brought her pressed against him until the shoulders separated where their regards could remain in tact. He looked away to the floor, grimace with his lips pressed together. Eye back on Aradia he said, "I want you to know-" He hesitated. "I don't think any less of you. You did what you had to do." All said in regards to her having drained him, although he didn't specify. She'd know. Zaavik had deduced a notion that it might have bothered her beyond just what he had done.

"But going forward I'd like to keep the rest of my soul, please," he joked, perhaps inappropriately. It was the only way to disarm the tension he had off the top of his head. The same flippant grin that came up every time he spouted such a cantrip was quick to crack across the lower half of his face.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Tension entered her body, the warming effect his touch had lost the moment he mentioned it.

You just did what you had to do.

She always did. It didn't make it sit any better. She wanted to pull away but his joke disarmed her before she could. Was that a redhead jab? She lightly hit his chest to make it clear her smile was not permission to say that again. "It wasn't your soul"

It was nice to see him smile. Better than the crazed bloody mess prying through her-- she winced and wrapped him in a hug. Reminders for what occurred remained every where. She tucked her head into his shoulder and ignored the blood stains on the wall. She squeezed him until she could felt his heart beat against her. Even then, she wasn't reassured.

"But if it was, what makes you think I didn't take it all?"

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"But if it was, what makes you think I didn't take it all?"

"Because I lived," he replied plainly. Zaavik wasn't entirely sure how souls worked or if they even existed. He'd always assumed they had something to do with force. After seeing those ghosts on Krayiss, he figured there had to be something to it. Hiss assumption of not being able to live without one was more of an inference based on conjecture about how that kind of thing rather than any pre-understood fact.

She said it wasn't his soul, but it sure felt something like it. If anyone was gonna eat his life force though, he could think of at least ten worse people than the one lovingly clasped around his chest. Not to say he was unbothered entirely by her doing it, either. His 'Soul' or whatever she drained staying firmly inside his body was, of course, the ideal situation.

Another reason among many not to piss her off, he supposed.

Where once she'd seemed strong, all-powerful, capable of draining him to death, now she was feeble, sapped, and meek. A long inhale made her embrace seem tighter as his ribs expanded before unceremoniously shriveling upon exhale. Exhaustion was mutual, though for entirely different reasons. One arm left the reciprocal embrace, scooped her feet off the ground from behind the knees. Missing part of his life-force hadn't made him so decrepit he couldn't carry her, though it did make her seem heavier than he had anticipated.

"That, and I've had worse," he added, almost mocking himself with an uncharacteristic self awareness. Walking across the ship, he nudged his boot against the dormitory threshold to force the door open. At least they wouldn't go to bed angry.