Where do you go from here? [Stali]

[Avalore Eden]

"Oh." Avalore blinked.

Proof in the pudding, girl. You're outta the game.

"Oh," she said again, frowning, "that's...really great." It is, isn't it? It really, really is! Why can't she express this? Why can't she say how she really, really feels? Too much emotional slurry inside that head of hers, that's why. Avalore rubbed at her elbow awkwardly, looking up as he direct her to sit. She complied, mayhaps a bit too willingly but at that moment anything was better than wallowing in self-degredation.

The Healer crossed the distance, pulling at the green traveling robe as she did so, and set the thing down beside her as she took a seat on the log. The jungles were humid, and she supposed she should have expected that, but all things considered the last several months had been nothing of what Avalore Eden had expected. She was not at all uncomfortable sitting so near to the man and took the proffered shot glass, watching as he poured.

"Do you supposed she's really upset about Diana?" the Healer offered, waiting for Stali to pour his own, batting a short smile, "Cheers," and then slugged it back with a grimace.

"Ohh," she breathed, coughed, winced, "wow," and then took a moment to absorb the fire in her throat and the memories that flooded in with it, "haven't had any of this stuff since before the whole preggo-paddy thing, holy-hell."

[member="Meeristali Peradun"]

 

[Meeristali Peradun]

[member="Avalore Eden"]

Was she upset about Diana?

"We haven't talked. I haven't hearrrd from herrr," he said, pouring his own shot, then together, down the hatch it went for the both of them. He blinked, squeezed his eyes shut a moment, but his reaction was far from as strong as hers, and...

...preggo-paddy thing? This must be where it starts. One shot? That was fast.

"You... wait..."

He coughed, and began pouring another shot, watching her with a measure more interest.

"...come again?"

 

[Avalore Eden]

"You don't know?" another muffled cough, Avalore held her glass steady as he fixed the next round. She blinked at him, ever so much as shocked or at least surprised as he seemed to be, "Force I thought everyone knew about that. Sure seemed that way."

This was not a subject that was difficult for Avalore to discuss, mostly because she'd lived as the center of this discussion for so long, it had become routine. Perhaps even a big annoying, though less so now that she'd finally met someone who hadn't been exposed to all the headlines. Even the Coruscanti press had known about her. She'd been in the holonews once or twice she was sure - she'd stopped watching after a while.

She didn't take the second shot just yet. She needed a moment to think on where to start with that bag of worms without opening the entire bag. It was a really big, ugly bag that she didn't feel like reaching into. Ever again.

"My ...indoctrination into the Jedi Council happened a month or so after I became pregnant. Course I didn't realize until another month or so in - but I decided right away to carry it to term. It wasn't so bad at the start at the Corellian Temple. The Jedi there are different, much more approving of family and relationships, but my Master ...." she frowned, time for that second shot. She took it with far more grace this time, though could not help a cough or two.

"...he failed to return from a mission one day. I waited, but he never came back."

Clearly a touchy subject. Avalore gave a sniff and shifted her weight a bit on the log, "so at six months pregnant I was a bit restless, didn't have anyone to really talk to. Ossus happened and there was an urgent need for Healers. I was still a Padawan at the time but I was top of my class. I snuck in to the mission and that was how I met Diana. I was the one who carried her from the battlefield. She ended up taking me in and I spent the better part of my late pregnancy at the temple on Coruscant. Let me tell you, Coruscanti Jedi are a whole different breed. The looks people gave me..." she scowled, slowly shaking her head, "but that's where Preggo-Paddy came from. You couldn't miss me, I was a planet, held my own gravitational pull and everything."

 

[Meeristali Peradun]

He shook his head; no, he didn't know, he hadn't been there, and no-one seemed to tell him much of anything! But his problems were insignificant comparatively, his problems were, perhaps, for another time when he was not trying to make the focus entirely on someone else - a thing which he excelled at. Such selflessness was atypical in his culture, in the majority of the populace. He knocked back the shot, feeling the burn as it went down the digestive tube, making its way to his stomach, and further on, his bloodstream.

As it burned, he listened intently, arms perched at the elbows on his knees, head turned to one side to look on her as she talked, orange eyes steady and patient. The alcohol nipped at the fringes of his psyche, but did not yet impart much effect. His tail curled nonchalantly over the bend of the log between them, as she spoke of loss, and downed her second shot. So she was Corellian, he gathered, or at least it was likely. Any from the Corellian populace that showed aptitude were likely to end up at the temple on Corellia as their first point of contact with Jedi. Corellia might not be in the territories of the Republic, but it was not only the Republic that played home and host to lightsided force users.

"You've sufferrred a grrreat deal of loss, Avalorrre," he said, softly, wondering how she felt the experience of that loss and the more recent one might have shaped who she was, now, "and what... what of yourrr child?"

The obvious question, of course, commentary on her prior planet-sized belly not needing a voice. She no longer harboured another life in her body, and that life was not anywhere to be seen, so... it begged the question. He wordlessly held out a hand for her shotglass, half of the fingers of that hand curled around his own, already pouring a third shot.

The tail slipped off the log, leaving to toy idly in the detritus that had gathered on the jungle floor, as it too... likely wondered if the simple touch and envelopment of a hug would not be remiss. If he tried, would [member="Avalore Eden"] accept it? No, perhaps too soon. Not yet.

 

[Avalore Eden]

I gave her away to a complete stranger. He seemed like a nice guy.

Words even Avalore didn't have the gall to speak. You don't say those things to people you don't know. Feth, you don't say those things to people in general. They don't understand them because they aren't in your head. They weren't there when it happened. They can't imagine how it came to be.

"I...adopted her out," the reply was slow, her eyes watched the man refill the shot glass before glancing up at his own. Orange.

[member="Meeristali Peradun"]

 

[Meeristali Peradun]

Her answer was simple, and yet not. Surprising, and yet full of sense. While part of him felt strongly about family, the part of him that was now Jedi understood that obligation and commitment was not the ideal environment for an infant. Which in turn made him consider if he would ever be ready for such a responsibility himself, and if he found himself in those circumstances, what would he do when weighing it against duty? He handed off a refilled shotglass to Avalore, orange eyes caught by hers. He said the only thing that really could be said, at first:

"I rrrespect yourrr decision," he said, setting the bottle on the ground in front of the log on which they sat. Then, "Though I can't imagine how it felt."

He raised his shotglass, not quite to his mouth, tail coming about to run softly along her nearest arm.

"How does it feel now? Is therrre anything else weighing on yourrr hearrrt and mind, Avalorrre?"

[member="Avalore Eden"]

 

[Avalore Eden]

She took the fresh glass quietly, expression somber, and offered the man a second glance at his response. Avalore felt her jaw muscles slacken in relief - she'd been prepared to defend herself and her decision, much like she'd had to defend herself for over the past year. It had become a reflexive thing and she'd nearly become comfortable with the tenseness of all those conversations.

"...thanks," the words sounded on a sigh.

This was new. This was a wonderful breath of fresh air. Someone to just talk to that you could feel was actually listening. Avalore had been so worried that she'd lost the only person willing to do so recently, but maybe she'd found a new confidant in this man.

His tail brushed along her arm, making the woman pause as she raised the glass to her lips. Looking down, there was a fleeting look of surprise that crossed her face, as though she'd forgotten what he really was. Not that this made any difference, of course. Avalore had never known nor exercised prejudice against the many races of the galaxy. She, of course, had not had the greatest exposure until just recently, but Corellia wasn't exactly a one-flavor trick either.

"I don't know," back on-topic, her frown returned. These were the things she tried not to think about. Her hand holding the shotglass lowered to rest on her knee.

"...lonely," her eyes shifted back off towards the nearby stream, tightening with the well of reality now gushing across her active mind, "I don't have anyone left to turn to anymore. They're all gone. I don't really know what to do, I guess that's why I came here."

[member="Meeristali Peradun"]

 

[Meeristali Peradun]

Sitting here felt right at the word of her thanks, his mouth curving a small measure into a soft, mostly serious smile, perhaps a bit thin in shape. The shotglass that had nearly been to his own mouth lowered at the expression of her present, solitary existence, as he gave the woman next to him a measure more consideration than had been given to any of his recent peers. He watched her watch the stream for a minute before his own eyes turned to the flow of water, too, shotglass now dangling from fingers hanging off a knee.

"Loneliness," he mused, recalling the early session of philosophy in his first days, "wherrre the code seems to offerrr no dirrrection."

Tail ceased moving, coming to rest in draping over her arm, as the mind distinctly recalled how he himself had felt in those first days amongst the Jedi, as if life itself had stopped, kicked him off, and left him in the dirt at the side of the tracks. He had hid it well, and the feelings had passed, but from there he had a grasp of what she was awash in, in the here and now.

"Forrr what it's worrrth, I am herrre, Avalorrre."

[member="Avalore Eden"]

 

[Avalore Eden]

Avalore suddenly lost control of her grief and it came pouring out in a momentary, but quiet, fit of grimacing, tears, and sniffling. Tense shoulders shook with contained sobs, the Jedi could only be grateful for the fact that she had already been looking away from the man sitting beside her when it happened. It wasn't pretty. Grief never won awards for being beautiful in appearance, only in honesty. She cradled her forehead in her free hand, hunched over, and just let it go. Tears dripped from her eyes and nose for the few minutes that it lasted.

Somehow she managed not to spill a drop of drink from the glass in her other hand.

[member="Meeristali Peradun"]

 

[Meeristali Peradun]

The sounds she made, the smell of salt from what doubtless came from her eyes... it was a visceral outpour of unrestrained emotion, one that seemed as if it was so locked down moments before. It was familiar, deeply so, and he knew better than to look - the preservation of image, of dignity, could still be managed. With the shotglass in one hand, the other arm was wrapped around her shaking shoulders, other hand cupping the furthest shoulder and gently, so gently, he pulled her into him, into his shoulder. He said nothing.

He just let her cry.

[member="Avalore Eden"]

 

[Avalore Eden]

If there was one person around to ask whether or not it was typical for Avalore Eden to cry over much of anything, it would have been her first Master. Mark had been present for a great deal of his Padawan's loss. He'd been the herald of bad and worse news on more than one occaision, and he'd been her rock after losing everything within the span of a month. Sure, there had been instances during her early pregnancy when hormones ran rampant and emotions were completely unbridled, but her moments of grief had been strangely quiet, tense, and dry.

Avalore handled the funeral of her family like a stoic glass statue. She'd bottled the pain of Mark's disappearance firmly. Spoke at Diana's funeral with a level tone, shedding perhaps only a stray tear. Given away her first and only child with a thinly controlled calm. Somehow, through everything, her strength had remained. Perhaps it was simply because she'd never had someone to listen to her grieve. Never had a shoulder to cry on.

Stali's shoulder was there, and for a moment the Healer rested against it, sobs dying down, but the foreign sensation of it was just too much to continue. Her tears stopped flowing and along with all that emotional energy began to once more bottle up inside. She wiped at her face with her hand and with a tense sigh proceeded to down the shot in her hand.

Can't do this, she told herself, it always ends bad.

Avalore contemplated standing from the log, grabbing her cloak and getting the feth out of here. Would be so much easier, so much simpler, just to forsake all this to save someone from a really bad day. But part of her, a large part of her, was tired of being alone and afraid of loss. She couldn't run from it forever, and damnit, if she wasn't living in the present then was she ever going to live at all?

The Healer turned to look back, expression indiscriminate, before suddenly leaning up to kiss him.

If he wasn't receptive, well, then it was just a simple thanks for listening, nice to meet you, gesture. Corellians were very friendly people, after all.

[member="Meeristali Peradun"]

 

[Meeristali Peradun]

When she downed her shot, he followed a beat afterward, knocking back his as well. Still nothing was said, and that was fine, as silence was something he was comfortable with, at peace with. Silence had benefits in many situations. Including - he might surmise - this one, and when she turned and leaned in, he let it come, invited it in. This, he knew, was one of a few natural progressions to what had gone on before this moment, and he reciprocated softly, slowly, slipping fingers up into her dark brown locks.

In some circles, this would only be seen as taking advantage. It was not. In the place where it mattered, here, now, he stopped after a minute or two despite the well of lust that cracked open wider that compelled him to do otherwise the longer it went on, one hand light against each cheek, vibrant orange eyes searching a face of dried tears.

He could smell it on her, too.

"Arrre you surrre this is what you want, Avalorrre?"

Brown eyes looked back from a head that moved slowly up and down. That was understood for what it was.

-- Fade to Black --​

[member="Avalore Eden"]​