Private Whispers in My Head

[Darth Malum of House Marr]

"...The bond..." He whispered, the words brought out with such spite that one might think it was his most bitter of foes. In some ways, it certainly was, he had pledged to never be slave to the Force's will, only for the Force to punish him by taking the life of his child, and all commiseration left for him...

...The curse that his love, his first love, that all they had would be marred by the fact that the Force itself, had ordained that they would be, some would call it a blessing, yet all he could see was... the Force had yet again brought about chain, and this chain, bound him to the woman that he had thought he would spend the rest of his life with.

It had been his choice, and the Force had stolen that from him.

He blinked the tears that he had not even realised that he had spilt, as through the light...

His breathing was hollow, as he gulped, the protrusion by his neck, like an apple bobbing at a fair, as he bore witness to an impossible sight. A beautiful sight. Such majesty, such grace, descriptors once held only for those whose veins flowed royal blood, yet for the woman who drifted through the darkness, through the light, who he knew did not hold in her veins a shred of noble blood.

No other words felt appropriate.

She made landfall and was standing before him in moments, yet in those same moments where he sat transfixed, millennia might have passed without his knowledge, as she fell to her knees in front of him, levelled and equal, as they had always been despite being master and apprentice, despite being noble and non-noble, they had always been...

...He swallowed, as the tears continued to flow, her hands, both soft and coarse resting upon his face.

Her words...

...How he so wished them to be true.

"...Promise me."

He melted into the kiss.

And red eyes opened to the world.

Ansisa

 

[Ansisa]

"...Promise me."

Two simple words passed his lips in both a whisper and a shout in her mind, driving through her like an icy lance as their lips met. How could she promise him such a thing? How could she stay by his side, how could she keep this bond open to him when the risk it carried…

No, Ansisa would not think of them. She could not think of them. She had shielded Malum from their existence so he could live freely. So he could love another and so that they could be safe from those who might use them against him. She could not stay, could she?

As his eyes opened, she withdrew back through the icy wall she’d plunged through, lifting her head to see him awake she let out a choked sob. Her hands seizing his face as she peppered it with kisses.

“I’m sorry,” she choked in a hoarse whisper between kisses “I’m so sorry.”

She folded into the crook of his neck fingers clutching at his shirt as tears of relief shook her form. There was something heavier behind them, something she was not ready to face, a door she was not ready to fully close.

Darth Malum of House Marr

 

[Darth Malum of House Marr]

The first breath was crisp and fresh. The first breath was as if he was a man drowning, with water filling his lungs, only to be pulled out onto land, and be able to truly breathe. His vision was blurry, yet, the clinical white he woke to, the beeps of machines of a very specific make was enough of an indication of where he was, that the air released from his lungs easily.

He was home.

Yet such ease was quickly put away as he felt the warmth at his side, feeling returning to his body as quickly as his mind woke up from its psychosis, a choked sob putting him on alert, as bleary eyes trailed up, there was someone else next to him, yet... blue skin? His blood froze as his heart missed a beat, as he felt familiar fingers upon his face, and even through the haze.

He found comforting, familiar, red eyes.

He found himself moaning into the kisses, as they were rained across his face, as he tasted her for the first time in so long, in the first time outside of the confines of his mind where her memory so haunted him. It was natural, it was real, his arms instinctively wrapped themselves around her in the way which was almost... domestic.

Her apologies fluttered over his ears without care nor regard, not even curiosity could force him away from this. For once, there was no guilt, there was no expectation, only a need, a need only she could fulfil. He had missed her, missed her with a power that would have turned weaker men insane.

And he was so weak.

"Shhhhh..." He whispered, soothingly, "It's okay, it's okay." Her head found herself under his chin, her nails gripping desperately onto unfamiliar clothing, as tears made their mark on it, some aspects of this were so heart-achingly familiar... others, not so. Yet, it mattered little, all that mattered, all that ever mattered.

Was that she was here.

Ansisa

 

[Ansisa]

Ansisa sobbed harder as his arms wrapped around her, this was the one place in the whole galaxy she felt safe, the one place where she knew that she belonged, yet as he consoled her as his chin came to rest on her head her heart was shattering into a thousand pieces.

She could have lost him to the witch, he could have been completely broken in defending her, the fact that he wasn't, that he was himself made everything so much worse. Did he see them? Did he see their children, the twins whom she had kept hidden from him, those who grew more and more curious about why their father could not see them with each passing day?

Ansisa could not ask him, asking him would reveal them. The only option was to close the bond for good and to walk away. Slowly, her cries subsided, slowly her breathing evened, but she could not bring herself to break her iron grip on him. Just for a moment, for one blissful moment, she wanted to remember what they used to be, she wanted to breathe in his scent, to remember the feel of him close to her. To remember the warmth of his body against hers.

"I love you." she whispered.

Darth Malum of House Marr

 

[Darth Malum of House Marr]

"I love you too..." He spoke easily, truthfully, guiltily. For all which it had been so difficult to confess to his Elsie, why had he found it so easy to say that common phrase so easily to his Kara? So much had happened between them, they had been broken and restored, and broken again, and again. He knew from some perceptive seen from the heavens gazing down, they were hardly the most healthy of relationships.

Yet.

She was his, and he was hers. That had been the words they had said to each other so long ago, words and promises broken, yet, still, in moments like this, and there were too many times that weakness compounded them to find themselves in moments like this... There was a sense of right in the world that could never be beaten. Even past the guilt, as his grip firmed around her, as he felt her heart beat against his chest, as her sobs subsided, yet her tears soaked his shirt, as her warmth filled his soul with a warmth entirely of its own.

Despite his guilt.

There was nowhere else he would rather be, no other arms which he would rather feel so encompassed by... No one else he would rather be loved by. It was wrong, so very wrong, but if that was the case. Why did it feel so right?

As memories fluttered by his brow, the reasoning for why she was laid against him, why she was crying into his chest, all became far more reasonable. It seemed he still held a weakness, the mental arts would need to be considered in more detail, if he had not held distinct advantages... if he did not have that... bond... he might have... All the while other memories, were enough to make his blood grow cold. Impossible memories, yet where he had them, had been an impossible place.

A guilty mind torturing itself.

A child who never had the chance to breathe. A city he failed to protect. Two children who would never have the chance to exist.

"I'm sorry..." He whispered against her raven locks, delivering a soft kiss.

Ansisa

 

[Ansisa]

Ansisa wasn't sure what he was apologising for, was it the outcome of the battle they'd barely survived? Or was it more? She dared not ask, too afraid to face what the answer might be. Beyond that...he still had Elise.

That thought was enough to still her, enough of something to seize a hold of so she could pull away. Slowly, begrudgingly she peeled herself from him, coming to sit at the edge of the bed looking down on him. Her eyes roamed his face, drinking in every detail, knowing this would be the last time she saw him like this.

"We can't keep doing this." She whispered "I can't..." she closee her eyes against a fresh wave of tears and swallowed to hold them back.

"You made your choice, and yet you keep pulling me back. You keep torturing me...I am yours, I will always be yours. I will serve you as yoru apprentice and as your Shadow Hand...but this?" She shook her head.

Darth Malum of House Marr

 

[Darth Malum of House Marr]

The immediacy with which he felt regret was difficult to beat, was it the words he said? Was it the action which he committed? Yet, as the questions were asked, they did not provide him with answers, as she pulled away from him, a heart, a body, a soul once filled with a warmth that of all the loves he had held, only she could provide, was pulled away, leaving nought but the bitterest colds.

Yet, just as the coward he was, he did not fight as she left him. As she pulled away, and from her place by his bedside, gazed down with such a precision glance that he might have been skewered upon a thousand blades. However, even that might have been less painful than the words which fell out of her lips... her beautiful lips...

His heart beat hard against his chest, there was nothing more he wanted to do but to reach out, to deny what was so plainly said, yet... he found himself trapped within his own body, unable to move, a spectator, watching as all came to an end. Those tears... how he hated to see those tears marring her face.

"...I know..." He offered, where all else failed, he still had control of that piece of his form, "...Yet, did it ever stop us before...?" Did it ever stop her from torturing him with sights that she knew would bring him to her side, stop him from torturing her with sights of the one woman that she felt the inferior to? Did it ever stop them from doing what they both knew what was wrong...

...But what was wrong was how without her, he was so empty... like some part of him was missing.

Guilt had stopped those moments, those moments which they knew to not speak of, yet, it was also distraction, finally able to gain what he desired... what he needed from another. It still made his skin crawl, it still made him wish to expel his guts, how weak he so was, how such a weak will he had. To give in, again, and again, to fulfil some carnal want, acting as if it was need. He had betrayed them both, he knew, he deserved neither of them.

Yet, he so wanted both.

One who was one-half of him.

The other who added onto him.

"...You tortured me too... how many did I kill for touching you, because you knew, you always knew that I would come for you, because..." What was he doing, the guilt broke again, yet he stomped it down with all the indignity of a giant crushing an ant, "...Because I am yours too... without reservation, without restriction," The guilt pressed against his boot, rising with greater strength, as a very different form of guilt came.

Of all that had happened at Csilla.

"...I am sorry, Kara..." He did not much know what he apologised for, the weight in his heart did not lessen any.

Ansisa

 

[Ansisa]

Ansisa gave a bitter laugh, wiping away the tears. "Dozens that you could kill, something you once punished me for. But one that I could not." He didn't even fight to hold her there, to reach for her, to offer her something beyond hollow words. Another apology for what? For his betrayal, for the loss of their first…

She closed her eyes, the tiny gravestone on the hill clear as day behind closed eyes. Ansisa shook her head, opening her eyes. "No, Malum, you are not mine. You didn't come for me out of devotion, you came for me out of possession because you cannot bear the idea of another touching something that is yours."

Her chest ached, she wanted to scream at him, to beg him to do something other than just lay there. She wanted to believe that her words were false, that he was hers…that he would choose her…

She wiped away her tears, sliding off the bed fully, her gaze lifting to Meredith who was watching quietly, keeping her distance. Her own eyes glittering with tears. Ansisa turned away from her, turned back to Malum, bringing a hand to rest on his chest.

"Make a choice, Malum. Me, or Elise?"

Darth Malum of House Marr

 

[Darth Malum of House Marr]

To taste both copper and ash might have been more pleasant than what he tasted of now, they were real, they were felt, but that of despair, of despondence, of desparation, those were feelings as flighty as the wind, yet their taste could not be left off his tongue, as she spoke a voice clawing, as she stepped away from the closeness which they shared, as she wiped away the tears...

...The tears that once again he had been the cause.

Instincts pulled to reach out, yet, the very same feelings which made him fail, made him a coward and craven, those obstacles in his mind that made the simple complicated, fear. Fear stilled him still.

"...You are right... I was a hypocrite..." His voice was as shallow as his breath, as the absence of her dug a hole ever deeper in his heart, in the static infirmary, it was as if the cold winds of winter were blowing, her eyes closed themselves from the world, what innumerable thoughts fluttered past her mind, he could hardly imagine, yet his mind...

...Paralysed.

It was as her eyes opened, those rubies so similar to his own, as the words left her lips, lips which he had captured so often, his heart broke wide open, a heart... a heart that belonged to her.

"No, Malum, you are not mine."

A belief, that was not mutual, one which he felt as the sensation to claw at his chest became agonising. Not a word spilled forth out of his lips, his eyes watery, as he simply... was. His breath grew slower, even more hollow, blinking out the wetness only drawing more, as his hands found themselves to the sheets, and gripped them with the same ferocity of a tiger marking flesh.

"...That's not true..." He whispered aimlessly, desperately, to what part he was objecting, he could not even be certain himself.

It was as her hand fell upon his chest, that he felt ease.

Only for her words to steal them away.

He was silent, for what was a few seconds, but to him could have been millenia, gazing into red orbs, as another pair appeared in his mind's eye. All measure of memories, shared with both of them, shared across the galaxy, intimiate and sweet, passionate and loving, Csilla, Archais, Alvaria, all the planets they had seen together...

...All that they had shared.

...What only hours ago he had admitted.

Admitting when his heart would always be compromised.

Because...

"I choose you..." He whispered, as the tears began to fall, as without his will, the bond opened between them, as a weight upon his shoulders, his chest disappeared, all in exchange for the chains around his heart, the salty teresses trailed down skin, as he reached forward, body, and soul, fighting what he was meant to do, fighting what he should do.

All to do what he wanted to do.

Only for the golden locks to fill his sight, only for red eyes to face him, only for phantom lips to press against his own, as the memory of that day on Archais came back. As memories of Morid- Mandalore... of what he had failed to stop... of what...

...Of what he had almost done.

"...But its too late."

Ansisa

 

[Ansisa]

His silence seemed to last millennia, leaving her hanging between hope and the truth she knew he would come to tear her down with. Yet, the three words that fell from his lips made her heart stop, her fingers dug into the fabric of his shirt, her lips parted in surprise as she felt the caress of him through their bond and she found herself leaning toward it, the iron gates beginning to lift...

Only to come crashing down again with his conclusion.

Ansisa stared at him in silence, watching the tears roll down his cheeks as she tried to find words, to find a way to respond to him. This was for the best, this was for the safety of her- of their children. "Then we're done here," she said finally able to speak around the lump in her throat her voice warbled slightly. "I am done, Malum. I cannot..." she trailed off closing her eyes against the tears and swallowing. It would be on her as it always was to be the one with the will to pull away.

She closed the bond, sealing him out. The Kara he had created...the Kara he claimed to love vanished in the blink of an eye as she stepped back, out his reach trying to bury her emotions beneath a mask as she wiped away her tears before they could fall. Unable to look him fully in the face without breaking.

"Is there anything else you need, my lord?" The words were hollow. The words of a servant, of an apprentice.

Darth Malum of House Marr

 

[Darth Malum of House Marr]

It was like a bolt of lightning as he was forced back down onto the sheets, his chest heaving as the tears continued to fall, her fingers abandoning their soft caress over his shirt, as their bond slammed shut. It was cruel, it was so unnecessarily cruel, his breathing was heavy, as the protrusion by his throat bobbed up and down as he swallowed down a dry mouth.

He had not planned this, he had not planned any of this, all of it was so complicated, all so broken, as much as he had been ever since that damn day on Fiviune. Yet, that was what had brought him to this point was it not? Elsie... reminding him of all that he was before he had a shade rest within his head, before he had done something so... so against all which he had stood for.

Elsie had reminded him of the simpler past, where he had not been a monster.

While Kara...

...It was impossible to put in words what Kara was to him.

His hope.

His salvation.

His future.

And now... it was as he said, it was too late.

He blinked the tears out from his eyes, as she struggled just as much as him... no, as she struggled so much worse than him. It was always her, always her that struggled so harshly... at least now... at least this time...

...It would be the last time.

He swallowed down his emotions, the silent audience to their rupture fading away, "...I understand..." Shards broke from his heart, as she turned his back upon him, with every step, another shard shattered from a heart compromised and breaking, he was unable to look at her, just as she was unable to look at him. For they, who shared something that most in the galaxy could not imagine, for they, who had looked at each other once with such longing, such desire, such... love...

...It was a sorry state.

"...Take as much time off as you need..." He could offer this kindness.

Even as it would taste of nothing but ash.

Ansisa

 

[Ansisa]

The kindness felt like an insult, but Ansisa knew that that was anger that drove that thought. Anger that he didn't fight... that he'd never fought for her. It was so easy to let anger take over, to let it seep into her soul and overrule everything else. Yet it wasn't enough to drown out the pain, for once she couldn't even find it in herself to hate him. "That won't be necessary," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

She accepted it for what it was, however, an opportunity to leave, to walk away. Every step towards the door felt like lead, yet beyond it, she knew there would be freedom to feel to let all of her emotions out. Beyond the door, she could find a way to heal. She paused in the doorway, wanting to look back, wanting to tell him that she loved him one final time.

But to what end?

It took every ounce of her strength to step outside the infirmary, to keep walking when her legs wanted to give way when the weight of everything came crashing down upon her she enveloped herself with the force watching the Palace of Alvaria that had once been her home, that had once been her future, fade from view one final time.

Darth Malum of House Marr

 

[Darth Malum of House Marr]

He watched her walk away, every part of him wishing, needing to reach out, to the one woman in this galaxy that not only had stolen his heart, but completed him in a way that no other had, that no other could. Yet, he held firm, held firm as he may as well have whipped himself, as the heart cracked more and more, the shards falling down as the tears trailed down his cheek. He deserved this pain, he deserved all this agony.

But she did not.

It was a choked silence as she said her final words, it was annihilation as her back turned, as time seemed to freeze, this moment, the last opportunity for absolution, a moment where he could reach out, he could fix all of this. Passing away, as time returned, as she continued to take steps that echoed along the infirmary's walls, as she grew, smaller and smaller.

A barest hope, a lifting of his heart, as she stopped by the doors.

Maybe...

...Just maybe...?

And then she was gone.

And the dam broke, his chest shuddered as it heaved, sobs breaking out from his lips, as he went blind from the tears that flooded his eyes. A warmth wrapped itself around him, as by instinct his arms wrapped itself around her, he knew who it was.

He knew it was not who he wanted.

There would be no one else.

There never could be.

Ansisa