Private Doctor, Doctor.

[Shan Pavond]

Tags: Open
Nightmares were getting a regular occurrence for Shan. That didn't make them any less terrifying however. They were also changing every time. They couldn't let him get comfortable to them. The last one had been the worst for him. It was a re-telling of his nightmare with his father. Yet instead of it being Shan's father holding the blaster it was Shan. Aiming down at his father. The sound of the blaster going off was the sound that snapped him out of the nightmare as he jolted awake in his room in the Temple. It was reassuring. Comforting for him to be back here as he ran a hand through his hair. He really should have stayed in the infirmary considering how battered and bruised he was, but the Mirialan had wanted to heal in his own room. His own area. Shan didn't want to be vulnerable near so many other injured people right now. He didn't think he deserved to have anyone looking after him, when he couldn't have saved people. He had failed the people he was meant to have protected, and not just that, he had killed someone for the first time. It had been so easy, especially compared to sparing someone...

He needed to talk to someone. This wasn't the kind of pain he could keep to himself. Shan had to get it off his chest. Keeping it inside would only cause him to get worse about it. The nightmares would get worse. So he took his datapad off his bedside desk and scrolled through it. Who should he talk to? Valery and Kahlil were always a prime choice for him but he didn't want to burden them from something they might be doing. Katherine and Colette were also possible choices for people he trusted with it...but at the same time, he felt like they might not fully understand where he was coming from. That's when he realised the best person to talk. Iris Arani . She had been the one who had convinced him to become a doctor. She was one herself. So she'd more than likely understand the way Shan was feeling.

And so the Mirialan sent a message to Iris. Asking her to come and meet him since he needed to talk to her. The Mirialan couldn't remember the last time he had talked to Iris. He could recall the last time he felt her presence though. Back during the battle. Thanks to her battle meditation, that had helped Shan focus during the battle. Had helped him break out of the nightmare that he had been forced into during his moment unconscious. Okay yeah. He'd need to thank her as well for that once he saw her.

 

[Iris Arani]

​

"Doctor Pavond."

Iris stepped into the room, idly glancing over a datapad. The Halls of Healing were busier now, with war kicking off far more actively than before. She'd been away too long, and getting back into it was a lot of rereading and relearning how the Halls worked compared to the normal hospital she'd done her residency at. She took a seat across from Shan, finally glancing up from her datapad to give a gentle smile.

"How are you handling things?"

She knew more than she should, as ever. Something in his colors that she watched, never once directly looking at him but around him. He was troubled.

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

Tags: Iris Arani

"Still not used to being called Doctor..."

A small chuckle escaped his lips. A mournful one but it was still a chuckle all the same. Shan debated over the answer he should give Iris before deciding he should go with the truth. There was no point trying to sugarcoat it or hide things from Iris.

"Not great in all honesty. Nightmares. I normally have them but they've changed now."

The Mirialan just stared off towards the side, staring aimlessly at the wall whilst he spoke. He couldn't actually look at Iris right now. Too much was going on his mind to focus.

"It's part of what I wanted to talk about...but are you doing alright first?"

 

[Iris Arani]

​

"You should. We went through a lot of hard work to earn those titles. Jedi say pride is bad at times, but this is a time where you should. No one wants a doctor who doesn't believe in themselves one hundred percent." It was like a chef with clean sleeves or a mechanic with rough hands. Part of the badge of office, to know at a glance if they were truly someone you could trust.

And given the nature of a doctor holding someone's life in their hands, Iris had no issue making sure people knew she took pride in her skill. Especially with her impairments.

"I'm as fine as I can be, but you asked me here to talk with you. Focus on that first, mm? Right now you're my patient, for better or worse. What's changed about your nightmares?"

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

Tags: Iris Arani

Huh. Shan hadn't thought of it that way. He had always been of the mindset that modesty was always better than having pride. It's part of the reason why he never liked people using titles for himself. But Iris was right. They had worked right to earn those titles. It was just a way of acknowledging all the hard work he put into things. The Mirialan gave a short nod at that, before looking back over towards Iris.

"...Normally in my nightmares, it'd be a replay of my father holding a blaster at me. Sometimes the background would change, or the room would be somewhat different. But now? I'm the one with the blaster. I'm the one shooting him."

Shan flexed his hand out at that, imagining the feeling of the blaster in his hand. Grimacing to himself at the thought. He knew it wasn't real. It was a nightmare. Not real life. But that still didn't stop it from feeling so real.

"I know what's changed. I killed someone. Back on Woostri. I killed...a few. It was...easy. Or at least much easier to trying to spare them. I didn't even think about it in the moment. Even now, I don't feel bad for it. It just...scares me how easy it is."

That was part of what bothered him the most. Those were people with friends. Family. And he didn't even give it a single thought in the moment. It was part of what normally would hold him back. But during that battle...It had just changed. He didn't hold back. Maybe the nightmares were some kind of karmic justice for Shan. He had failed the medics he was meant to protect, and had killed.

 

[Iris Arani]

​

Oh.

Iris paused for a moment, looking up from where she'd been writing down notes on and off as she listened, but there was little to actually write about this. She understood, better than most. "It's surprisingly easy to kill people. Just from a logical standpoint, most species are incredibly weak. In the heat of battle, it's even easier to detach. Most Jedi don't think too much on it. It's not to say that killing doesn't take something from them, it does. It should. As doctors though, we're supposed to never take a life."

The oath they took, it wasn't one they took lightly. And yet..

"Our duty as Jedi is to save lives. And at times, that means we're going to have to take them. It's a harsh reality, but we understand it better than most. In an emergency room, when a crisis happens, not everyone can be saved. You can't linger, you have to keep moving to save those lives you can. Knowing that, what do you think?"

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

Tags: Iris Arani

The Mirialan stayed quiet for a few minutes. Thinking was one of the things he did best after all. Iris had plenty of points to be made. But for Shan, it had went above just the oath. He had made an oath to himself, before he even became a doctor that he wouldn't kill. That he'd always find another alternative. But in that moment, he hadn't been able to. He had failed himself.

"I'm used to it in a crisis. An emergency setting. Having people I can't treat. Having people I can't save. But it feels so much different to be the one who takes a life. I know some would argue that by not treating people, we are the ones taking their lives but..."

Shan fiddled with a strand of his robes whilst he spoke. It was just hard for him to put into words how he felt about it all.

"I know I should keep moving. That I shouldn't dwell on it. But it's just...I can't wrap my head around how easy it was. They were just doing their job. And I killed them. Without emotion. Yet when it came to someone I was furious with. Someone who tried to kill me...I couldn't do it."

Someone who arguably deserved it. His father. Shan hadn't killed him, because Shan couldn't kill. He had refused to. Didn't even entertain the idea that he could...but now? He knew he could. He knew that there was that chance inside of him.

 

[Iris Arani]

​

"You should dwell on it. Every life lost. Even if you feel nothing over their loss, you felt nothing because of their passing, you felt nothing as you strike them down, you shouldn't forget them. As a Jedi, it's good you can't bring yourself to kill when your emotions are at their highest. It's a quick path to the Dark. We should never end a life based on emotion."

She leaned back, arms crossed over her chest as her brow knitted together. By all accounts, this was what a Jedi should feel. Handling it was a different matter, but nothing here was wrong for Shan. The nightmares were a terrible addition, but the weight wasn't crushing. It was just something they were to carry because they continued to be Jedi.

"Logically thinking though, in the battle field, what were your other choices? All of them. Think them through. Just as when we're doctors, when a surgery ends with a life lost, we explore why. Was it because there was no other choice? Or was there something else we could've done? Should've done? Something that we can internalize and use for the next time. To save another life that could've been lost if we hadn't."

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

Tags: Iris Arani

Being told that he should dwell on their deaths was surprisingly a relief for Shan. He was worried that dwelling on their deaths would be something that would have held him back. Well, it would hold him back, but he thought it was part of his naiveity. That he was too soft-hearted. Now that he knew that there was nothing wrong with him ldwelling on it...Well...It was a relief at the very least.

"I...didn't have a choice. Their armour was too thick for me to take them out non-lethally. And I couldn't hold them off long enough for people to evacuate. There had been too many. Even with my armour and the Force, I still took a beating trying to defend them. It wasn't enough though. I still failed them."

Shan sighed to himself, reaching a hand up to rub his shoulder. The Mirialan had taken a beating and a half to get through that battle. He had expected it because of the way he wanted to fight. You can't expect to be a wall protecting people, if you weren't ready to take a battering and a few bruises. He was alright with the physical damage he had taken. It was the emotional and mental damage that had been plaguing him for now.

 

[Iris Arani]

​

"Did you not have a choice? Really think. What else could you have done? Was it truly unfeasible? Is there an option you could've picked that would work next time around? This isn't about softening your guilt or anything. It's about knowledge, knowing that next time there is something different you can try to not repeat this again." That's what the focus of this was. She smiled softly, again pulling up her datapad to take notes. Like a proper recounting.

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

Tags: Iris Arani

"There was no other choice to keep them alive. I could have killed them in other ways. Crushed them in their armour. Brought buildings down on top of them. Their armour was too thick for me to deal with. I only managed to pierce through it because of cracks that got introduced into their armour."

Thanks to Connel. Shan needed to remember to thank the man for his aid. But that wasn't what was important. It was more trying to figure out what else he could have done as the Mirialan linked his fingers together, staring down at his floor. The other ways he could have killed them was far too cruel for Shan. If anything, the way he had killed them was somewhat similar to his personality. Quick. Clean. As painless as he could have made it.

"It was either them or the medics. Even if I built walls to defend them, the walls would have been blown apart. I suppose...with what I had, I did the most reasonable choice. I saved as many lives as I could...and dealt as little pain as I could."

 

[Iris Arani]

​

"Good. That leaves little room for doubt on what you could do in the moment. But now think about what you could've done if you had something else. What would you need to save more lives? What can you prepare to help spare as many as possible?" Iris hummed in thought, glancing again to Shan. This part was more important to her, at least. His answer would determine a lot.

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

Tags: Iris Arani

Now that...was a hard question. Shan linked his fingers together as he tried to rack his brain for some kind of solution. What could have helped him to save more lives? He had used as much Force knowledge as he had. Applied small runes to the medics' armours to protect them. Tried to place traps to get the Sith caught up in.

"The simple answer for how I could prepare is to learn more. More techniques. More strategies. But that's the simple answer. It doesn't count."

What then? He couldn't be more willing to put himself at risk. There was a point where it went from bravery to stupidity. He stared down at his feet, taking a few more minutes to mull things other. His eyes darting around as various theories and potential ideas would pop up in his mind only for them to be knocked down.

"...Having an extra Jedi would have helped. Trying to work as a team or as a pair, instead of an individual. One Jedi is strong, yes. But two Jedi can be even stronger. And more reliable."

That wasn't necessarily something he could change, but it was a potential idea for when something similar happened. Instead of being the only jedi trying to protect all of them, work as a group. There's only so many people he could look out for by himself, especially if they split up...

 

[Iris Arani]

​

"A Jedi can only do so much alone, that's true. When I did my work as a Shadow, I always did it alone, and it was hard. It could've been easier with a partner. No, it would've been. A Jedi is strongest when they're not alone, after all. .. Have you thought about taking on a Padawan again, Shan? Now that you're back?" This was a different question entirely, to Iris at least. Zaiya Ceti was still quite happy to know that Shan had become a doctor, but she'd seen it in the colors that a part of the girl missed Shan.

There was something that could be done here, she imagined.

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

Tags: Iris Arani

"Not overly. I still feel like I failed Zaiya on Coruscant, when I got stuck on an evacuation shuttle off planet."

With that being said, Shan was still doing his best to teach. There had been the humanitarian class he had taught. Then there was Everest Vale he had been teaching bits to. It wasn't that he was opposed to having a Padawan again. Far from it. Shan was just afraid. Afraid that he'd fail them. He could handle failing himself. Getting hurt. Making mistakes. But the idea of causing someone who trusted him and looked to him for guidance to get hurt terrified him.

"...I'm not fully against the idea however."

 

[Iris Arani]

​

"You didn't fail Zaiya, first of all. Just so we're clear on that. A lot of who she is has been shaped by your teachings. Teachings I think she would still benefit from." Especially now. Shan knew the burden of taking a life, and Iris knew Zaiya would never want to take one. She hummed for a moment, tapping her fingers on the side of the datapad.

"Help me keep up her training. I can't be with her as often as I'd like, and having someone to help guide her would be invaluable. Especially someone she already respects."

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

Tags: Iris Arani

It was easier to hear someone say that he hadn't failed Zaiya than for him to actually believe it. But Iris had a point. He still had plenty to teach Zaiya. He was sure that Iris had done plenty of teaching when it came to medical work, but he felt like there were still a few things in his mind that he'd be able to give. It wasn't a lot but it was going to be better than nothing.

"Of course I'll help train her. Zaiya is still important to me. And if it helps get some weight off your shoulders, I'd be happy to aid with training."

There wasn't much Shan in the way of responsibilities that were holding him back. There were side things he had been planning, yes but when it came to actually being a Jedi, the Mirialan had more than enough time to spend...and it helped that Shan quite missed Zaiya as well.

 

[Iris Arani]

​

Her expression softened to quite a bit into relief. It wasn't just work that tied Iris up at times. Her body, her injuries from the train, there were days she couldn't leave a bacta tank. Having Shan there to help keep Zaiya safe, to keep her trained. "Good. She'll be glad to be able to call you master again. I've been mostly teaching her medicine, but she's an affinity for both Battle Meditation and Battle Melds. Other than that, I've started teaching her Makashi, given how weak her species tends to be."

Shan Pavond

 

[Shan Pavond]

Tags: Iris Arani

"Interesting. Makashi is one of the styles I'm least experienced with. Soresu and Niman is more my speciality...I don't think Soresu would suit her..."

With how weak Zaiya's species would be, relying on a style that required stamina and some strength wouldn't be the best. Though it was almost like Shan had completely snapped out of his funk as the Mirialan stared off into the distance. Thinking to himself as he tried to figure things out. Battle Meditation was something he was already quite capable with.

"Utility wise, I could try teaching her how to make a Force Familiar like I was. I normally use mine to try and find people who might be trapped in crisis situations..."

 

[Iris Arani]

​

"Force.. Familiar?"

Iris tilted her head, clearly confused by the term. Was it like a Sith Familiar? That sounded darker, but she had little doubt Shan was suggesting teaching her things from the Sith. She nodded after a moment, giving another smile. It was a path, though. More for Zaiya to learn. More for her to figure out. The more she experienced, the more she'd be able to fine tune who she wanted to be as a Jedi.

Outside being a Jedi.

"It sounds like it would be very useful, if it can scout out ruins. Domxite is with her full time, by the by, so they'll be there to help if you ever need it and I'm unavailable."

Shan Pavond