Serys of Selvaris
Broken Retreat: Obj. III - Licking Wounds
Tags: Roman Vossari
Ran simply nodded. She understood. "No one ever does imagine it this way, until they see it for themselves." Ran explained as she felt his resolve grow in the force.
"You are a courageous, and selfless young man, Roman." He inspired her in the moment. Many of the younger Jedi did. "I applaud you for your choices. To know yourself, and to know when you are ready for the things the galaxy sends our way, is a good quality. Great, even." She complimented. Her smile was warm. "And I thank you for extending your ear. I do. I really do." Ran said hurriedly before her expression turned. "But I'm not ready to be heard," She grimaced.
She was in pain, not physical but emotional. Seeing friends killed under one's care seemed to do that. No matter how hard their undertaking was, there would always be pain. But staring at the young Jedi reminded her of the others who depended on her for strength. Ran knew she couldn't hold the pain in. It would cripple her.
"At least, not here." She continued, shaking her head as if she were about to do something she didn't want to.
"This way." She said motioning to follow. She took a path out of the medical bay as most of their patients seemed to stabilize. She hit the hall but did not stop walking. She continued marching. Their destination, a mystery to Roman but not to her. "I couldn't talk in there," She explained. "Too painful for wounded ears." She referenced their patients. Some were fragile, and would need to fight to live. They needed hope. Not a sob story.
Ran planted herself onto the floor of the catwalk that overlooked the hangar bay. She rested her body and forehead on the guard rails as her legs dangled over the edge, and then invited Roman to sit next to her. The catwalk was quiet, even if the hangar below was noisy. Ships were being repaired and refueled after close escapes over Sluis Van.
"Roman, I'm hurt and I'm sad, not just because I lost friends, or because I failed to stop the Sith Emperor's ritual. I feel this way because I've lost myself. I was proud. I was arrogant. I made mistakes and it cost lives. Even now as I am explaining this to you, I am doing it selfishly. Trying to make myself feel better, trying to find the words that'll allow me to push forward and justify my self absorption." She paused. A faraway stare held on her face. "I've become attached to an idea of who I think I am, of what I believe I am capable of, and I am wrong for becoming so." She took a deep breath in an effort to calm herself. "I'm sorry if what I've shared feels disjointed. I just… I think what I'm trying to say is I don't feel very much like a Jedi right now, and I want to. I want to serve selflessly. I want to do my duty and protect those who cannot protect themselves. I want to do that without ego, at least I think I do." She finished.
"Do you see a Jedi before you? What do you think a Jedi is, Roman?" Ran asked the padawan as she stared out the hangar bay viewport at the lines of hyperspace.