Heart to Heart Conversations

[Alwine Daye]

“Choosing neither of them was a choice you could have taken as well,” Alwine said, her voice dangerously close to a growl, “you made the worst choice you could have and the price will be paid by more than just you and more than just the broken relationship of the women involved.”

She turned around again, forcing her shoulders to relax, forcing herself to take deep breaths. The wolf inside her itched to come out, itched to attack her brother for what he had done, what he refused to realize he had done. But no. She had to keep it down, had to keep it bay. She was getting much better with it thanks to her training, much better at keeping the wolf inside her from lashing out as it willed. One time, one that that she had let it, it had nearly cost Alwine her life. She would never lose control like that again.

“Have you ever considered what that pull is?” she asked, turning around to look at him. She did not need him to be condescending regarding the wolf. Alwine knew very well what it meant to be a Lupine. She did not need someone to explain it to her. She felt, and she felt it deeply, every day that she lived and breathed. “All our lives, we were told that other Lupines did not exist. That we were the last. And suddenly we all discover that we are not, that there are others. Of course we would feel a pull towards them! You believe the pull you feel towards the auflaque is anything romantically or bond-wise special? Dalninuk, I feel that pull as well, but I have enough wits about me to know that this does not mean I should become the auflaque’s mate.”

She sighed, taking her place back by him. No. As angry as she was about what he had done and what he was doing with the auflaque, she could not just start throwing furniture at him, despite however much she wanted to. She had to find the key to make her brother understand and comprehend what he was doing and why he should not be doing so.

“Ussta jatha'ur dalninuk,” she said, trying so hard to keep her voice soft, trying to keep herself from allowing this to escalate into a fight that would without a doubt leave both sides empty and angry, “You left Stewjon alone and have experienced so many things that are new and many of which are wonderful. But you have done so without your siblings, without having anyone you could discuss this with. You are lost in your experiences and you are allowing yourself to bed led by one who would benefit from your confusion despite what those who are around you and who know you are trying to tell you. I know you find it hard to understand. I know you are probably thinking, what does my little sister know of any of this. But there are things I know! Gerwald, I have watched the lords and ladies of Stewjon and how they behaved, ever since I was old enough to scrub a floor, and I learned. I might be your inferior when it comes to battle, but I am smart and I am sharp, and I understand how people, especially those who do not know what it is to live in fear as I did, think they are allowed to behave like. When you and Varick were the only ones who did not treat me as though I was invisible, I watched and I learned, and the lords and ladies showed themselves to me without hiding and without shame, for what could a little cleaning servant ever say or do to halt them in their games or affect anything in their lives at all?”

Alwine closed her eyes as the memories flooded her mind. She had watched, all right. She had seen them in their games, vying for power, manipulating those around them. She had seen them as their family ties meant little to nothing while they manipulated each other in games of politics and sex. There were a great many things she had seen and had never told her brothers about, at the time because she lacked the vocabulary to explain why those happenings meant so many things at all, and later because she had learned they always meant so many things that it was almost impossible to explain without a lot of background. The ruling lords of Stewjon might have used hushed voices or even silenced themselves entirely when their wives were in the same room, but servants? Those might as well have been simple air for them, invisible. But only a very few of them considered that the servants actually listened and deeply understood. And what was most terrifying was that those few were the truly scary ones. There were things she… No. That was not for now.

“You are wrong,” she said after a silence, “Blaming the wolf is nothing but a comfortable excuse. If we are the wolf and the human is just a shape, why are in our human form most of the time, even when we are not on Stewjon, even when we are on our own? We are not the wolf, and we are not the human. We are the Lupine. The wolf in us reacts most basically. How many time have we had to control ourselves not to growl in the face of perceived danger? How many times has the wolf in us wanted to devour a meal with little care to those around us? Our wolves are our basic instincts. The wolf lets us know what we want, but it does not tell us how we want or why we want. I am learning this very deeply now that I am free to be the wolf and the woman as per will. But it is our human sides that let us speak, that let us enjoy conversations, that offer us the explanation and the understanding of why and how the wolf in us wants anything. There is no conflict. Your wolf feels the hunger, but your human decides if it is a hunt or a steak in the kitchen. Your wolf feels the pull, but your human interprets that this has anything to do with romance and not a pull to others like you that you have been told do not exist. And I love you, dalninuk, but your human is incredibly bad at interpreting, and I assume this is because aside for Lupine matters, most of your life before now has evolved around you simply needing to know how to kill without dying. I would trust my life in your hands against physical danger, but until you learn a great many things regarding behavior, I find myself not trusting your judgement on matters that go beyond basic instincts, because you cling to them so harshly, an offer interpretations that do now know how to take a few steps further away from that.”

And then there was the matter of him trying to correct her misunderstandings. But truly, there was only one of them.

“Twenty Lupines, then” she rolled her eyes, “thirty. All of whom are her family, and your crown over them given only because you slide into her at night, without showing that you have what it takes to be a King, without showing that you know anything about leading for more than bloodshed.

All our lives, Gerwald, we wanted to be considered a part of our surroundings because of who we are and not because of what we are, terrified that if anyone knew we were Lupines we woud be hunted for what we are. But then a woman offers you a crown because of what you are, without knowing who you are. This tells me that if it had been Varick she had found that night on Stewjon, it would be he who would have received the offer for the crown. And you do not once pause to consider these matters, you simply lost any sense of direction.”

Leaning back into the couch, Alwine pondered how much more she could risk adding. “Mother has told me what happens when a Lupine mates with a non-Lupine, you do not need to explain this to me. But I wonder, if you breed with her, what will you tell your children? That there were two Lupine families that existed but that you and their womb donor turned it into one, and that they will never be able to be with another Lupine and would have to wait for their grand-grandchildren before such a thing was possible? How will you be able to look them in the eyes knowing that you are giving them a similar childhood to yours, in the sense that the only other Lupines around them are their very own family and blood? Do you believe that they will believe the lie that you tell yourself, that this is for the future of the Lupine species, when the only thing it does is set us all at least a full generation back to avoid inbreeding?”

Alwine rose her eyes, looking at her brother again. There would be no escape from her watch. She might be the youngest of the Lechner siblings, but when it came to these matters, she was by far not the most un-insightful or ignorant.

“Aye, you are miserable,” she said at last, “and the only time you are not is when you hide away from everything between the auflaque’s legs. But I do not think it is because of your selfishness. I think it is because you are afraid. I think you know you made the wrong choice when there were at least two others that could be made, perhaps more, but you paid such a hefty price for it that now you feel like you are in a place in which you must defend that choice. Because if you do not choose the auflauqe, why would you have left me on and Varick on Stewjon? Because if you allow yourself to realize that realize it was wrong, then what does it mean when everyone else around you suffers for it? If you realize it needs to be changed, then what was it all for? And here you are in a loop filled first and foremost with lying to yourself and hiding from yourself as though you are still on Stewjon, thinking any of this can be solved or fixed while you keep doing so. It cannot. The only way to fix anything, is to stop running and to face yourself. You are my brother, dalninuk, and I will never sugarcoat it for you or hide it from you. But I love you, Gerwald Lechner, and I will be here to listen, to advice, and to let you lean on me, while you sort this mess that you’ve created. You deserve better than what is currently happening to you.”

“Now please…” she asked a final thing as she looked at her brother. She knew the weight of the words she had said. She knew that they could not be considered in an instant, not truly. “While we both have said much, and even if you end up agreeing with it all, I fear I have added to the weight upon your heart. Know that I will always love you and always be here for you. And now I propose we take a break. I have vowed never to cook again once off Stewjon but… I believe I can make an exception. Would you like a shared dinner, just the two of us? You can work steam off at the training hall until I am done. And then we can discuss other matters, simple matters, that are neither heavy nor have to do with matters of the heart at all."

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

"It is a choice that I can still make, sister," Gerwald spat with a bit of venom to his voice. "But do not dare think that Katrine is taking advantage of my confusing. Agree with it or not have you ever stopped to think that I am with her because I choose to be with her. Is it so hard to imagine that I love her. This is not just about hormones and bedding as many women as I can. Since leaving Stewjon I have been two women, both of whom I loved, both of whom were willing to offer me the same things. Perhaps my choice was because Katrine is a Lupine no matter how much I deny it."

"Let me ask you this though, would you have me leave them both for our family? One thing I have realized is that all of us will love, and there will be new people in our lives because of it. Our relationship is going to change when that happens. I cannot tell you which choice was the right choice, but I know that both made me happy, but I am haunted by the fact that what would have been best for them was if I had left them both. That is why heart is heavy. Even in that I was selfish."

Gerwald was about to utter words that would change the entire tone of the conversation, but they had to be said because it was what he thought.

"I have been like our mother in that regard. I only truly thought about me."

And there was the truth of the matter. Nothing else would need to be understood in the stories of his relationships. Alwine would know the burden his heart carried as he was beginning to realize it. He words upon words upons words were not being ignored, but simply leading him to the truth.

He looked to his sister.

"Can we hunt? We have not done so since you healed of your injuries?"

That was what he wanted right now more than anything.

[member="Alwine Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

So good he did it twice...

 

[Alwine Daye]

“It was not hard to believe it, it is impossible to believe it,” Alwine replied. No. She did not believe her brother was in love with the auflaque at all. She was quite certain that be believed that he was in love with her, and she wanted to blame the auflaque for casting a spell on him, but by now she was learning the new sides Gerwald had added to himself during his months apart from his siblings. There were too many there that she did not like, and thought would lead him to a doom of his own making. “You were not the only one to leave me and Varick on Stewjon. She did the very same thing. It is one thing to hurt your own family. It is another to encourage another who does it, and then go off and plan a future with her. I might sometimes think about clawing your face, but if I knew anyone else aside for me and Varick thought so, I would gouge their eyes out.” Alwine sighed, looking hard at her brother. “And after growing up together, I thought we were of the same view, at least on that, on that.”

Would she have him leave both for their family? “I do not know,” she said earnestly, “perhaps the other one is even worse than the auflaque and there was only need to leave one. But the auflaque is not a choice you should have ever made, not on Stewjon, and not afterwards. And what more, I believe you know this, or you would have never done anything with another, least of all her sister. And now look at your life. Forever chasing her like a little lapdog. You have no friends, no connections, no training. If I did not pull you to a mission on occasion, you would not even be doing that. You have wrapped yourself in the same prison that we were on when we were on Stewjon, but this one is of your own making. You want me to believe you’ve made a choice that could be right in any sort of a way? Even without the auflaque’s background I would easily be able to tell you that you have not. You are only destroying your species, dalninuk, you are destroying yourself. And she is not worth it. There is no female in this galaxy who is worth your or our species’ destruction. Not when you have others in the galaxy, even if for months you pretended you did not.”

And then… Mother. Alwine looked at her brother and sighed. No. He was not like their mother. She let the words out through her mouth before she could stop them. “You are not like mother,” she said quietly, “mother was a horrible person. She was selfish, and she was abusive, and she made us all grow up in fear. But if there is one thing that mother got right, it was the knowledge that we needed to be protected on Stewjon. You… Are doing the opposite.”

She stopped herself there and then. There was no use in pointing out that Gerwald was behaving like a lord of Stewjon on the matter of the auflaque. There were things, she knew, that would drive a deeper wedge between them than what she had just said, and some that might cause him in his foolish stubbornness to turn back and never return.

“Dalninuk,” Alwine said, carefully touching her brother’s arm, “even if she was the sweetest and most innocent of females to choose from, even if she was as sinless as a newborn, even if breeding with her would not bring forth children in whose eyes you could not look because of what you are doing to the Lupines, I would still not want you to be with her like that.” And there was the truth of it. A hard truth, cold and unyielding. She could only hope that he would truly listen. “Because around her, you are the utter most worst possible version of yourself.”

And there it truly was. One of the things Alwine loathed about the auflaque the most. If Gerwald hadn’t insisted on being with her like that, if he had chosen to merely keep her as a friend, Alwine would have dealt with it and mostly kept her mouth shut regarding the matter, knowing when some battles were not worth fighting over. But if he insisted on lying to himself and trying to pass it off as some grand thing to save the Lupines, if he tried to say again and again that he made the right choice, she would nip it in the bud. The person her brother was now was not the person he was the day before he left Stewjon. Some changes were blessed, of course. She loved that he had more confidence, she loved that he no longer held any shame regarding his species. But there were too many thing that he had taken a wrong turn with, and it was a matter of time before it exploded in his face. Alwine was close enough to begin praying for him to realize he was doing the wrong things before it was too late.

Rising from the couch, Alwine nodded. Unless Gerwald had more words to add, the matter was done for the moment. They would revisit it again soon enough anyway, and she was willing to stop here and take a break for at least several days. But her brows shot up in surprise as he asked to hunt instead of her cooking, and for the first time since their conversation had begun, Alwine burst into laughter.

“You are rejecting my first offer to cook since coming off Stewjon,” she said a while later, when her stomach hurt from laughing so hard and for so long, “let us hunt, then. But I will not forget this.” Her tone was light, cheerful, and she jumped over to her brother to give him a kiss on the cheek before they left.


[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

“She was drunk that night on Stewjon, Alwine, she didn’t know what was up or down. I carried her home, she slept, I left in the morning. She did all of that without knowing I had siblings.”

Alwine was not going to like the truth, but Gerwald was going to set things straight.

“I was going to leave regardless. We have been touched by the force, and when I saw what their Knights did, I had to learn. Picking up the scent from Katrine was a complete surprise. This is hard to hear, but she is not why I left, nor did she encourage me to. If you’re going to be angry about it, all of it rests with me, because I would have been gone when the Confederacy left regardless.”

Gerwald went silent for a moment as he tried to form the words for what he wanted to say next. He was deeply offended that she would dare say he had no friends or connections when she knew he was one to keep to himself. Ger had never been one to reach out, and as he did on Stewjon he did in the Confederacy, but not because he was in a prison or unhappy.

He simply sighed as he stood and moved his sister off his lap.

“First our children would not ruin the Lupines. There are others in both families to produce more. It was centuries of inbreeding that brought about problems. If you would let me just show you what I’ve learned... but you said you don’t care. You keep telling me that I am not a good person around her, and yet you have not observed me with her... You say this as if it is discernible fact, when your anger makes you biased. You’re making far too many assumptions without the knowledge to back them up, dear sister.

Gerwald just shrugged. It was the truth, and if she denied it Gerwald would only reiterate that she refused to be around them and her attitude toward them both was the worst version of herself. This new Alwine would find herself in a lot of trouble if she continued to speak her assumptions would be stated as fact with no true evidence to back her them. The galaxy did not work that way.

“Of course I am not turning down your cooking. We just haven’t hunted since Stewjon.”

With that Gerwald ran out toward the mountains...

[member="Alwine Lechner"]

 

[Alwine Daye]

“She was not drunk the morning after, and you were not going to leave without saying goodbye,” Alwine answered, “you knew it would not be long before we returned. If you had waited but another hour we would have been able to join you, or at least say goodbye. You knew exactly what Stewjon is like and you just left us there!”

She held her tongue before she said things she would later regret. She was speaking to Gerwald, yes. She was trying to keep the siblings together, yes. But there was still anger. Alwine merely kept it bottled up most of the time. Her last gift from Stewjon, knowing how to do that when she was not exploding. Sometimes it seemed there were only two modes she could on with that; exploding or keeping it in. But like she’d had to keep herself human during the month of torture to protect Varic, now she had to keep her rage inside regarding Gerwald’s leaving to protect every chance there was of keeping the siblings together. She was furious at him for what he had done, furious that he had left without a word, discarded both her and his brother as though they were last week’s socks.

And there was another thought that began to boil in Alwine’s mind the more they spoke. The more they spoke about the matter… The more Alwine believed that Gerwald would never had come at all if he had not received word that she was to be tried for Witchcraft. It was a nagging feeling, a paranoia perhaps, but it was one of the very few things that actually terrified her. And that fear was one she could never mouth, and not even to Varick had she confided in them. Because if Gerwald saw his future when he saw the auflaque and left because of that... It meant the future Gerwald saw was one that did not include his siblings.

“Your children would not ruin the Lupines. You would ruin the Lupines,” she corrected him moments later, returning to the present, her mind sharp and focused again, “you are coming together to breed. You are making the two families one. You are setting the Lupines a generation or more back by doing that, and your children will grow up knowing that there are no other Lupines around that are not family because of what their parents did. How long do you believe it will be before they start resenting you for it? Early teens? Late teens? Surely no longer than that. You tell us the two families must come together but not to breed, but you are the one who will be doing the breeding and turning two families into one, you are the one who is going to deplete the gene pool with your own prick. That is madness!”

That point was moot. Gerwald was intelligent enough to understand it, there was no point in denying it. “I told you I do not care about our family’s past. Our past does not matter. It does not undo the life we lived on Stewjon. It does not fix any of the problems we have. It only led to us being on Stewjon and living the life we did. But entwining your future with the auflaque in the way you intend to will only bring ruin.”

“I do not need to observe you around with her. I have seen the damage caused to you by being around her. You are miserable. You are repeatedly hurting the ones you say you love. You do not progress as a person, not in training, not at what is supposed to be your job. You intentionally make mistakes that will cost you not only your future but your species’ as well. And you do not once pause to even think! You are not a wolf, dalninuk. You are a Lupine. So stop being the auflaque’s little lap dog and remember what you are.”

Alwine sighed. She knew her brother. She knew Gerwald very well. And she knew that many of the changes that happened to him were not of the good kind. Some, she took great pleasure in seeing, like the way he fought now compared to before, or that he was no longer ashamed to speak of his Lupine-ness with strangers. And still. Under the influence of the auflaque, even if not by her order, her brother was going backwards as a person.

“I love you, dalninuk,” Alwine finally said, “but there is no future in which the auflaque is my queen and I am her subject. But the day you finally realize you are better off as friends than lovers and act upon it, I will extend an olive branch to her myself.”

And now… “Let’s go hunt.”

They hunted.

 

[Alwine Daye]

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

Several weeks later, following the events of:

• Hyporian Nights
• Unstill Waters
• Wicked Eyes an Wicked Hearts (Immediately after this)

Alwine was restless. So much had happened during these past few weeks. Caid had returned from his disappearance, she had received a package from Scherezade, she had met Madalena, and she had spoken with Scherezade's brother. The more she attempted to see the full image, the more she began to understand that there were more pieces that had to be found. At moments, it seemed to be bigger than she could withstand.

She sighed, removing her clothes. She needed a small respite from the crowded thoughts that plagued her mind. She knew Caid would be looking into a certain angle, and as would Brayden. She had her own angle to check, more information to uncover. But when she returned home the previous night she was so mentally exhausted that she had not shifted at all, instead falling asleep on her bed in her human form, something that happened extremely rarely.

When she woke up, she looked like a hung over human. Waking up as the wolf and then shifting always seemed to skip over that morning-face look. With a sigh, she set to showering and cleaning up, looking a little bit more like herself by the time she was done.

She had to speak with Gerwald. But when? And more importantly, how?! Her brother was stubborn, and she had pushed him as hard as she dared a few weeks ago. More than that would be certain to ensure he went the other way. Alwine could not let him shut that door, but at the same time, she had found herself in a position in which she could not ignore a debt that she owed to the woman her brother had hurt.

Setting the coffee machine to do its magic, the Lupine began to collect her papers and pens. Perhaps an hour or two of returning to her studies and then heading to the training hall would help her calm her mind.

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

Gerwald spent his morning running. Most mornings were spent this way since his last conversation with Alwine. Things had taken a turn he had wished they did not because it felt as though no matter how much he asked her to not interfere she was going to anyway. They had agreed they were going to move forward and forgive each other, but Gerwald was very aware that Alwine still would never accept his relationship with Katrine. There was a lot that Gerwald would do for his family, for Alwine, but he hoped that he would never again be faced with a choice of choosing one or the other. Even though Katrine never made him choose, Alwine made her the guilty party. It angered him to the point that much of it was taken out on his runs.

She was studying when he returned. Covered in sweat he walked past her and went straight for the shower and cleaned himself before coming out to meet her. A small smile tugged at his lips as he poured some of the black caf into his mug. Alwine always made it strong, so strong he swore the fumes manage to singe his mustache. He took the chair across from her and sat down. His eyes scanned her studies. She was progressing, eager and hungry to be part of the galaxy.

"You should be into chapter books soon enough," Gerwald teased as he sipped the caf. Leaning back in the chair he waited for the retort. He loved to tease his sister.

[member="Alwine Lechner"]

 

[Alwine Daye]

She was not studying. Oh, she seemed as though she was studying all right, her head bent over a stack of papers, a book open by her side, and a pen in her hand. But truthfully, Alwine had mostly been staring at the words in front of her. Words that were not the words she had read thousands of times over since she had received the letter, but the letters in front of her seemed to swirl and swivel until it was all she could see. She was grateful that Gerwald went immediately to the refresher, giving her a moment to ensure that the altered copy of the letter was safely tucked away from potentially prying eyes.

Yes, the two had spoken of forgiveness and moving on. But that had been… That had been before she realized thigs. Things that he had not told her. She was meant to be on the path of forgiveness and moving on, but part of the things she was supposedly meant to be forgiving him about, he had not even told her.

We were meant to meet weeks before your eventual extraction from Stewjon.

It had been the first sentence, after "Dear Alwine and Varick". The first line. Alwine had not even realized what it had meant the first hundred times she'd read it. Much later had it dawned on her that her brother's arrival on Stewjon with the auflaque was not the first time he was meant to be there by his own plans. And now what was she to do? She could not reveal the letter to him, not yet, nor the contents of the package. But was she supposed to play the ignorant? Pretend that she had not a clue? Pretend… To be stupid?

As she heard the water shut from the refresher, the little wolf shook her head, trying to shake such thoughts from her mind. Her brother joined her not too long after, the smell of the coffee deliciously harsh in her nose. She had forgotten she had made any at all, and had still not taken a single sip.

"Indeed," she pretended to agree, forcing a little smile, "and you will still be stuck on the first page of the little spaceship that could."

They had not spoken since Hypori. Well, some chit chatter here and there, but not… Not truly, not deeply, about anything. Brown eyes stared at her brother. He had said that he had hurt that woman, that woman that now introduced herself as Madalena and had cast some sort of a spell over herself to forget who she was. A woman who, as Alwine understood it, had killed herself because of her brother.

Yet for all the disagreements she had with him, for all the things that she and Gerwald were likely to bicker about as long as both drew breath, she did not want to believe that it was only him. She had offered to carry the penance for the hurt he had caused, but she did not want to believe that he had caused of it. She could not. For all his faults and mistakes, her brother was not a bad man. He was under bad influence, had made more than a few bad decisions, but…. But he was her brother. How could she protect him from a storm that was so sure to come soon enough, while still keep certain things away from until the time was right?

Alwine loathed her current position.

"I love you, ussta dalninuk," she said at last, this time her smile genuine, "what have you been doing these past few weeks?"

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

Gerwald stuck his tongue out at her comment. "Says the girl that asked me how to work a computer terminal."

She was smart, and trended to be smarter than Gerwald was in any form of academics. The man was not going to deny that his sister had always been able to surpass him in whatever form of studies that she was brought. The bits and pieces that he tried to being her on Stewjon had never been enough, and mostly in the form of military manuals that he could barely understand himself. Education was not a strong suit for warriors and farmers. Gerwald was never supposed to lead anything in his life, such was the curse of being second born.

What had he been doing over the past several weeks since they had last seen each other... NOTHING... really.

"A little of this and that... but mostly sticking to myself as usual."

His life was uneventful and that was his fault, but he was not going to find himself in a mess this way. The last hing Gerwald wanted was another mess to find himself in. Things were just becoming good again with Alwine, and Gerwald wanted to focus on those things. Their relationship was the most important thing to him. He needed to remember that family always came first. Though his view of family was expanded, his siblings were the best part of it.

"You have stayed busy though... much more than I have been..."

[member="Alwine Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

double

 

[Alwine Daye]

"We are not far from the day you ask me to operate one," she said with a little smile. Did he know what it was she had been searching for on that terminal? Had he a clue who it was among the missing groups that she had been looking for? Would he still be as willing as he had been to help her, had he known? All questions Alwine did not have an answer for, and could not ask about. Not now.

A little bit of this and that… Alwine nodded. It meant he had done nothing, or at least, nothing worth of note. She had mentioned previously to him that he had been doing nothing with himself, and that it was not like him to be so. He had, of course, dismissed the notion, at least to her. Alwine hoped that he would come to realize that the truth for himself. That he needed to do things. To get busy. That there was more to the freedom he'd acquired than chasing an auflaque like a lapdog.

And then he mentioned how busy she had been. Alwine nodded. She had been. She's received the letter a little after their last big conversation and had since then been chasing around trying to complete pieces of a puzzle. Gerwald had told her not to interfere, and in truth… She had, though not for the reasons he thought. She'd been brought into this by the actions of a woman who by her own doing no longer existed and to whom she owed a life debt. But there was no way she could think of with which she could relay this to her brother without making him think all the wrong things.

She wanted to tell him so badly. She wanted to tell him, as she had told Varick, and for them to lose themselves in stories of what their futures would look like if they went ahead with the key, when they had those hundreds or thousands of Lupines around them that were not family. She wanted the key to be a source of joy for all the Lechner siblings.

But Alwine knew. Alwine dreadfully knew that no matter how the news came out, there would be a lot of dread mingled into the joy. Especially if the key was to be shared with a woman who did not deserve it. No demands regarding it could be made as long as it was her and Varick's secret. But how long would it remain such? Especially with Scherezade's brother running around trying to gather more information in ways that she was half certain was much less discreet than hers.

"I have been working hard," she said at last, "with a man named Jaron. Jaron has helped me access the way to create and control fire, like I did on Stewjon. But now… Now it is more controlled. And Caid has returned as well, so I am now learning the Force with them both."

Rising from her seat, Alwine dusted her hands on her sides as she looked up at her giant of a man of a brother. What did they feed all these men that she was suddenly surrounded with? Had no one heard of average sized men? Short men? Was she destined to forever be the smallest one in the room barring children?

"You know, Gerwald," Alwine said with a grin, "it has been very long since you let me braid your hair. I believe I would enjoy doing that after all these months. Will you let me?"

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

"He is the one with Metus' daughter yes," Gerwald was asking in attempt to put a face to a name.

Alwine was certainly collecting teachers, and this was good. She would have herself in a position to do whatever she wanted to do in no time. This was the freedom Gerwald had always hoped for her. It was not coming through the methods he had always thought, but he was glad to see she was taking full opportunity of the world she had in front of her. Who knew what it would lead to, but it was definitely a world that she would not have had on Stewjon.

She smiled. Gerwald always feared her smile. It was either a genuine offer of something, or she was up to no good. Both could be equally the case. This time she wanted to braid his hair. He smiled and sat down in front of her.

"It has been a while... why don't you tell me a bit more of what you've been up to while we are at it. We both know you're doing more than training.

[member="Alwine Lechner"]

 

[Alwine Daye]

"My brother knows courtly gossip?" Alwine asked and laughed as Gerwald mentioned that Jaron was the one with Metus' daughter. In truth, such a thing had not been relayed to her and she had no clue. On Stewjon, she was well equipped with all the gossip, but Stewjon as a small place with small people. Here, in the vastness of the galaxy and so many people and things being new, Alwine could not pride herself on knowing such things, since she simply did not.

When Gerwald sat down on chair, Alwine's smile became even bigger. She had hoped that he would agree, but she had been ready for him not to as well. On Stewjon she had an entire kit for the proper braiding, including all the required oils and such. But that kit had remained in their hut there, as neither she nor Varick had thought it had been important enough to take. All Alwine had from Stewjon was Der Kleine and a bunch of basic clothes that Varick had grabbed for her, and she'd burned those clothes long ago.

But hair oils were not unique to Stewjon. It was several weeks ago that Alwine had been walking through one of the intergalactic markets in the Geonosis capital, and she found something very similar. She had picked several small kits based on their smell, knowing which scents her brothers preferred. She'd intended to give it to them back then, but with all that had happened, she'd forgotten about it completely.

For Gerwald, Alwine had chosen something with a very slight mint scent. Not enough to overwhelm the senses, especially not the Lupine sense of smell, but just enough for it to be noticeable when one got close enough. She set it within arm's reach along with the little hair combs, and set to work. Everyone knew you had to detangle the hair first. All three Lechner siblings had hair that was soft as silk when properly washed and cleaned. Now that Gerwald and Varick weren't spending entire days in warrior camps, this was hardly a problem.

"And what is it you think I'm doing when I'm not training, dalninuk?" she asked as her fingers set to work, her nails running along his scalp to encourage proper blood flow, "other than working on reading and writing, that is." Before he answered though, she decided to add, "perhaps you should join me on the reading and writing work. Do you still need to follow sentences with your finger? We were deprived of many things on Stewjon that outside of it are considered almost taken for granted. There is no shame in catching up even now."

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

“I listen to things,” he said as he grinned. He was not going to mention the fact that both had been Knights Obsidian and that Gerwald had seen them in action. They made a good team, and Gerwald could not wait for the day he and Alwine could work that well together. The one thing that meant was he needed to train a lot more than he was.

The mint oil took his mind back to other things. While most of his memories of home were tainted by his mother’s treatment of his siblings, there were memories which were good. Having Alwine braid his hair was one of them. There was a particular pattern of braid that Alwine would always do that signified how close they were. It was a pattern that was meant for their family.

“Of course I’m not using my finger anymore. I can even read in my head without saying it out loud.”

What did he think Alwine did when she was not training. Gerwald really had no idea, but he hoped that she was enjoying herself. The question itself was loaded so he ignored it. As far as he was concerned there was no right answer.

“I don’t know, I just know you have been busy, and you have been gone a lot…”

[member="Alwine Lechner"]

 

[Alwine Daye]

For the span of a breath, it did not matter that Alwine was angry at her brother and trying to hide it. When he gave her that grin as he said he listened to things, she could not help but give him a wolfish grin back, brought to the brink of a very rare giggle. To imagine her brother listening to courtly gossip painted a lovely mental image in his younger sister's mind, complete with Lord-style stockings for men and those strange pointed shoes that were obviously not meant for walking. It was like trying to put a wolf in pink lace. Ridiculous… And hilarious.

"That is good," she said with a very approving and encouraging nod as she continued to work on his hair. Of the three Lechners, Alwine imagined that it would always be Gerwald who would be the last to want to catch up with those things. But sometimes, she was wrong, and this time, she was glad that she had been. But it also meant now that she would have to go to greater lengths to ensure the copies of the letter did not reach him. If he could read now without mouthing the words, he would be able to read too much before she could snatch it away.

It was a good thing that the letter's copies were so well hidden.

Alwine's fingers were nimble and dexterous. In truth, she could have finished braiding Gerwald's hair in under two minutes. But she wanted to enjoy the experience, the closeness. Especially when now everything seemed to hang so delicately, as though all it would take was one wrong sneeze and the balance would be upset. Yet how balanced could things truly be when something that had passed between them had been based on information that he had withheld? We were meant to meet weeks before…

Her fingers continued to move. Alwine hummed a campfire song as she continued to twist the strands with each other. She wished dearly she could reply to him regarding the comment he had left hanging the air, but she would not. The braiding was important, and they both knew it. She would not despoil it by mentioning Hypori or any of the events that followed while his hair was still not completed.

But there was only so much that she could do. Ten minutes later, Gerwald's hair was oiled and braided properly. Alwine walked around the chair to look at him, using the Force to call a small hand mirror from the table to her hand. Her work had been superb, as it always had been since they were all young.

"After wearing your hair down, this has always been my favorite braiding style to see on you," she said quietly, looking at her handiwork. How much longer could she delay, pull the moment, try to make it as long as possible before bursting with the questions that burned inside of her?

Alwine stepped forward, moving a single strand of hair back up to where it belonged. "It is a shame there is no battle happening now that we can run to," she murmured, still stalling. Stalling. How much further could she?

"I will probably be gone more in the near future," Alwine finally said as she retreated, clearing the dirty coffee mugs and holding them all in her hands, "I'm in the middle of an investigation and it likely to become more time consuming before it is over."

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

A smile crept on Gerwalds face as Alwine began to hum on old song from their childhood. There was not a person or wolf that grew up on Stewjon without knowing the song. There was still a tension between them. Alwine was hiding something, and Gerwald could sense it. He didn't press the issue, however. For the first time since they had been reunited it felt as though things could be close to what they had once again been. Gerwald knew they could never be what they were again, but he hoped they could be close. As Alwine's nimble fingers worked at his hair, Gerwald hummed the bass and fell into a perfect harmony with his sister. No matter what his future choices, they would always have this.

He sighed.

"I've liked having my hair down. I've also missed this..."

She shifted around to face him, and Gerwald grinned. Alwine wanted to run into a battle, or a fight. Ger simply shook his head. There were moments that needed to be lived and not every moment had to find itself leading to a battle. Yes, she was a warrior, and being free to be herself was a good thing for the young wolf.

Gerwad did not want to kill the moment, but he knew tension, and he knew it would only grow until something was said. It was the lesson he learned when it came to Katrine and Scherezade. Alwine clearly had sides in all of it... anyone but Katrine. That was how Gerwald felt, even though he had all but told Alwine that he was going to be with her regardless. He had asked her to stop meddling, but the way she was being... secretive or simply ambiguous made him wonder. Gerwald had to ask even though he knew it might cause more trouble.

"You aren't meddling again, or trying to... are you? I don't want to be that brother... but... something is bothering you."

[member="Alwine Lechner"]

 

[Alwine Daye]

Alwine gave Gerwald a little smile. He was a Lechner and therefore looked good no matter what he did with his hair. Braided, down, it all looked great. Varick was the same. She was, as well. And Gerwald was right. She had missed these evenings as well, her hair in her brother's hair or sometimes the other way around as well. She wished for many more evenings like that, however old they would get, whatever else would happen in their lives, it would matter little to nothing if they could still have this. Her smile became just a little bit wider for a moment.

And of course he had to ask. But it was also her own fault. She had given the briefest of hints, and her brother, for all his foolish choices, was not a foolish man. It was part of why she hoped he would see reason before things were too late.

"Many things are bothering me, dalninuk," she admitted. There was no point in denying or hiding that from him, even if he could not read it off her face and behavior so easily. She wanted to be truthful with him, she wanted to leave nothing back. But how could she, considering what she knew now that she did not know when they last had a moment's of peace with each other? How could she risk what she could only hope to be a temporary setback and not a permanent injury in their relationship? He loathed the situation.

"I am afraid, Gerwald," she said after a long pause of looking at the ground before she raised her eyes to look at her brother again. "There are not many things that can make me afraid. One of these things that I fear so much is losing you again, and this has recently kept sleep from my eyes. I sometimes feel like I am not myself. And I must choose between revealing all, revealing some, or revealing nothing, and I do not know how to gauge the situation, how to decide which is the correct thing to do. I almost always know what needs to be done and I know this must… But I fear the price it may take, and I cannot tell if delaying it or giving it partially will make it better, or worse."

Alwine was usually a confident woman, small as she might be. Yet her voice now was soft, just barely above a whisper. It was placing herself in a vulnerable situation again, in front of someone who was not simply her brother, but also the one who she might lose. They had worked so hard. Not just she. Gerwald's had been putting active effort into rebuilding their relationship and she knew this. How could she potentially shatter this by revealing what she knew? And how would it not shatter eventually if she did not?

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

He knew. She didn't say yes, but she was meddling again, whether it was by her own choice or whether something happened that drew her in, she was in the middle of it all.

All he could do was sigh.

Then she spoke truth. Alwine was afraid, and for the first time since all of this came up Gerwald felt there was honesty between them. He said nothing, not at first. Gerwald simply stood up and pulled his sister into a hug. Was he going to disappoint her with his decisions to come? He was most likely going to do that, but now they had a chance to determine if their sibling bond was stronger than disappointment. They had both lived live apart from the other, and would do so again in the future. There was nothing about being adults in a massive galaxy that had showed him they would never be apart again. This was their chance to decide what would happen regardless of what went on around them.

"And you're afraid that I am going to turn my back on you? Alwine, we are both going to make decisions and choices that will disappoint the other. No matter how hard we try not to, this galaxy has taught me that we free, and that freedom brings disappointment sometimes. There is something you have to understand. I will never... NEVER... abandon you again. Even I choose what you do not want... I will never abandon you. If there is something you need to tell me... tell me. For the first time in a long time we are talking... actually talking, so say it. Just say it. Let honesty win out here."

[member="Alwine Lechner"]

 

[Alwine Daye]

Alwine melted into the embrace as Gerwald hugged her, closing her eyes as she just stood close to him, her own hands wrapping around him as well, too short for her fingers to entwine. The balance, the delicacy… It was so fragile. Moments from now they could be screaming at each other. Moments from now this could all be gone forever. She did not fear living apart. They were already living apart. If Gerwald had said goodbye when he left Stewjon that first time, they would still be united even though they were apart, even if she could not join him immediately.

When he asked if she was afraid he would turn his back on her, Alwine nodded, making sure to keep her eyes closed, still in the hug. She knew that there would be tears if she opened them. She did not want to cry. Not when nothing had happened yet. If there would be tears, she wanted to save them for later when there was an actual reason for them, and not just because she was afraid of losing her brother.

"And what if I make choices you do not want?" she asked, still whispering. He said… He was saying that he would never abandon her again. She wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe him so badly. She had stuck by him even though he would not leave the auflaque yet. That had been her choice. Siblings together, Lechners united, come what may. But what if choices she made were going to…

Alwine opened her eyes and looked into her brother's. There would not be another moment. The package, the letter, they could all go to hell. There was a single sentence there that had elevated her levels of fear regarding the situation, one sentence there that had been sitting on her mind more than any other. The very opening.

We were meant to meet weeks before your eventual extraction from Stewjon.

"I know you were supposed to come to Stewjon weeks before you actually did," She said, her voice shaking more than she wanted it to, still unable to find the volume she needed, leaving out a near with Scherezade that she almost said. "You never told me that. You did not come for us until you heard there was trouble. You were supposed to come weeks before that. You made plans to come weeks before that. But you did not. And no matter how much I try to deny it, I believe… I believe you would not have come for many more years, had news of the trials not reached you. Perhaps… Perhaps you never would have."

It was out. The entirety of the situation of it. Still in her brother's arms, Alwine's body tensed as she waited for Gerwald's reply. And that had been her fear. He was promising her now that he would never abandon her again, but he had never been truthful about the fact that he had abandoned her more than once before. For all she knew, there could have been several plans that he had escaped from.

And for now, she did not care about Gerwald's choice between two women, one of whom she loathed and one of whom she owed a life debt to. For now, she did not care that he lacked in training. For now, she did not care that Varick had been mostly aloof with the two of them since their freedom was granted.

Now… Now she was truly afraid that Gerwald would anger, and leave, and that would be that.

[member="Gerwald Lechner"]