I'm Begging You

[Kurt Meyer]

"I know you can't." Kurt said quietly, almost meekly. This wasn't going to be easy, by no measure or means. He wanted it to be, maybe Jamie wanted it to be either, but it just wasn't going to budge. He frowned for a moment and shifted slightly.

For a second Kurt stayed quiet.

"But..." The Courier stuttered for a moment. "Can't we just try?"

He wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her, but he held himself back. His hands dug into his pants, curling slightly so he could still himself. "It doesn't have to be exactly the same...but...just something."

He was desperate.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

"I don't know, Kurt." The blonde pulled on the side of her dress, lifting it partially before sitting down on a large boulder that rested atop the cliff side. "It's not that simple."

There were so many questions still, so many what-ifs to answer, so many things to talk about. It was hardly as easy as just saying yes and going back to the way things had been. She wanted the whole story, everything that had gone on from start to finish, what his plan was going forward, how they would get passed this. Hundreds of questions ran through her head but none seemed to be the right one to ask first. She feared a conversation like this would simply go around in circles until one of them were too tired to continue, ending like they had on Pelagon, with Jamie leaving Kurt again.

"There is just so much we need to talk about before I can even consider giving you an answer"

Where to begin though was the question.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

"What do you want to talk about?" Kurt asked her quietly.

At this point his desperation was probably showing more than a little bit. He frowned for a moment and then looked at her, moving towards the railing so that he could support himself a little bit better.

"Ask me anything." He told her. "Anything and Ill give you the truth."

Kurt had nothing to hide.

Not from her. He didn't care what she asked, he would give an answer.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

The blonde stared at Kurt for a long time before words ever found her lips.

"I want you to think, very, very carefully. I want you to consider everything. I want you to look deep inside yourself. I want to know, if you have absolutely any feelings for her whatsoever."

If he had any hope whatsoever of this working in any capacity, she had to know there was nothing there, nothing eating at the back of his mind. No potential feelings, nothing. If he had even the slightest pause for Kaile, Jamie would have nothing more to do with him. She would simply end it right there. That was first and foremost her biggest concern. Even if everything had happened before she and Kurt met, the fact remained that Kaile lived with Kurt, they had still slept together on numerous occasions, and they were still living together. It made her incredibly uncomfortable to think that there was any possibility whatsoever for them to hook up again.Jamie knew next to nothing of this girl, the type of person she was, what her own feelings were. Perhaps she did have feelings for him locked away somewhere.

There was a pit in her stomach thinking about all of the ways this could go wrong.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

Kurt looked at Jamie, then took a single step forward. "I don't."

He knew that.

He had known it the moment he'd told Jamie that he loved her. Kaile was his friend, his best friend. He wouldn't give her up for the galaxy itself, but it wasn't the same as what he felt for Jamie. They were two different emotions, both born of loyalty, both could be titled as love, but they were separate. Kurt knew that, he knew it every time he looked at Jamie, every time that he thought about her. There wasn't anyone else for him as far as he was concerned, not Kaile, nor any other woman.

"You are the first girl I've ever loved." He told her. "The only one."

Kurt had been with a lot of women, a lot. It wasn't something he'd ever really talked about with Jamie, though she knew. He'd always stayed safe, always had tests, always made sure...but there had been a lot before Jamie. Among them all she was the only one who'd ever gotten such emotion from him, the only one ever make him feel what he felt for her.

It wasn't an argument he'd use, not ever, but to him it was significant.

Jamie was the only one.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

The beating in her chest began to grow substantially louder, almost deafening inside her own body. She could feel the vibrations of each thump as it quickly accelerated. A small tremor ran through her body, leaving a trace of it continuing on her hands for several seconds. Blue eyes shifted from Kurt to them, to study what was happening. This whole time, every single ounce of her had prepared for this child to be Kurt's. There wasn't a moment of doubt where she believed he could have been right. It just didn't seem possible. That possibility was there of course, though to her seemed about as likely as being struck by lightning on a cloudless day.

"Then what is your plan, Kurt?" She had asked him this back on Pelagon, back when he had no answer for her. "What is it you think should happen?"

She wasn't asking to throw his answer in his face.

Jamie was genuinely concerned with what his plan was for them, for he and Kaile, for everything in between.

It would go unspoken that she was still not exactly kosher with the two living together, as she had no idea what kind of person this girl was, and what her own motives may be.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

He frowned for half a second. "I don't have one."

That likely wasn't very encouraging, but it was true, and he told her he would be honest.

"I tried to think of something..." It was basically what his life had been for the past few weeks. All he'd done was think about her, about Kaile, about himself, about everything that had happened and how he could 'fix' it. "But I just couldn't."

He looked at his own feet for a second, as if ashamed. "I'm not that smart Jamie, I can't pretend that I always have a plan, I can't say that I know what's going to happen next. I don't have the force and I'm not rich enough to buy one of those tactical droids to tell me what to do."

Kurt waved his arms in frustration for a second.

"So what do I think...imagine will happen?" He frowned again. "I don't see why things have to change...we're both young, we live such different lives. You're a Jedi, I'm a damn Courier. What we had worked. We talked when we could, saw each other every month or so. It wasn't perfect, but...in all honesty it wasn't going to change for a while was it? We were happy with it though, I was happy. Sure I would've loved to see you more, but I knew that wasn't possible, just like I know it wouldn't be possible now."

He spoke the truth. "Even if I up and left everything, moved here to Naboo, stayed here, I'd still only see you every once in a while because of the work you do."

"So why is everything different now?" He asked quietly. "As long as you trust me...as long as you understand, know, that you're the only woman for me...why does it have to be different?"

 

[Jamie Pyne]

"That was before all this, before you forced me to rethink everything we're doing again."

The vibration from her pounding heart found its' way to her head, slowly giving her a twinge of pain right behind the eyes. "Who knows, maybe I'm insane. But I just don't see how things can't change. You're right. I don't see you often. You live with her. You spend just about every moment together as far as I can see. You're likely going to help raise her child." Her teeth practically drew blood from the pressure on her lip. "How could that not make me nervous? Where is the actual father in all of this? Why isn't she leaning on him for support?"

Was she crazy? Was this some kind of normal situation people found themselves in constantly? Their boyfriend living with a friend they used to have sex with, who is now pregnant with another man's child, yet still living together, all the while he is helping her through said pregnancy instead of the father? And then subsequently raising this child that isn't his? Was she actually crazy for finding that incredibly odd and frustrating? Was she the only person to see something wrong with that? Had the galaxy gone insane without her?

"You don't think I am right to be incredibly weary about this?"

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

"No." He told her plainly, his voice still low and somewhat hushed. "You have every right."

Kurt shuffled his feet slightly. She asked questions that he didn't really want to answer, or couldn't answer. Kaile's secrets were her own. Even if Kurt did know who the father was he wouldn't tell Jamie, because it wasn't his secret to share. "I don't know where he is."

That was a truth he could tell at least.

"She isn't leaning on him because that's not the type of person that Kaile is." He shook his head. "She doesn't want to push anyone into anything, she tried to make me go, tried to make me leave her and just go to you...but I can't just do that Jamie."

He looked at his feet again. "I ca-can't just abandon her. What kind of a man would I be? What kind of a person would I be?"

For a second Kurt stammered, a hand wiping away something from his face.

"Leave my best friend? Without a home, without a family, without...anything?" He glanced up at Jamie. "I wouldn't be able to look at myelf in the mirror, Jamie. Could you even look me in the eye if I did that?"

"I couldn't." Kurt shook his head. "I know why you're weary...I know why you're scared...but I've never lied to you. I've always been loyal to you. I promise. Since we've been together no one has ever even crossed my mind."

 

[Jamie Pyne]

Her head lowered, hands running up through blonde hair. Blue eyes closed as her head tilted towards the ground beneath where she sat. Several times her fingers curled through the mess of gold, as if the motions somehow helped her think this whole situation through. She hated everything about this. Essentially Kurt was telling her that this was how things had to be, and that by what she felt was wrong because it would leave Kaile with nothing. The person responsible for this was still going about their lives either oblivious to the fact that they had gotten her pregnant, or she had told them and they left her by herself. Kurt either knew and didn't want to tell her the truth, or Kaile kept that from him as well. Neither option made her feel any better.

"So then you've backed me into a corner again." She said, lifting her head. "It's either I do this, or I'm painted the bad guy because Kaile doesn't have her own life together."

That was a bit harsh, but if he wanted her to be honest? That was her being honest.

She stared at him for a long minute, lingering on the words she hesitated to say. "I think maybe it's best if we just separate for now."

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

"You..." Kurt said quietly. "You're not the bad guy."

He didn't want to 'separate', he didn't want to leave her, he didn't want her to leave him. Kurt wanted things the way they had been, he wanted things to be the same. He wanted Jamie at his side. Perhaps that was simply asking for too much, perhaps it was demanding the world while already owning the moon, but for Kurt it was the only option. The only solution that he would have. Kurt frowned for a moment, looking up at her, eyes half begging.

"I don't know If I can just leave you." He said quietly.

Perhaps he was starting to sound a bit obsessive, but Jamie was the woman he loved.

"'For now' will turn into forever." That much was obvious. "We'll go our own ways...maybe never even see each other again..."

The galaxy was a big place. "I don't want that, Jamie. The past weeks alone...I feel...I feel so alone knowing I can't be with you."

 

[Jamie Pyne]

"Maybe." She looked into his eyes, defeated as they were. "If that is the will of the Force."

She'd worked incredibly hard over the past few weeks to build a wall around her heart, to prevent herself from breaking down, or lashing out the next time she saw him. It had been incredibly difficult, seemingly impossible at times. Eventually she had felt as though she'd overcome it, but now, in the heat of the moment, it was slowly eating away at her. On one hand she simply wanted to just throw aside her fears and just say things would be fine. That was what Kurt wanted, after all, but no matter how hard she tried, each time she thought the words they were torn away by something inside.

"We don't always get the things we want, but have to live with what we have."

Kurt still had Kaile. He had his family. Jamie had Aela and her own family, even a sister she would soon meet.

"Sometimes the things we do are right. Sometimes they're wrong. Maybe I should have killed that Sith on Prakith. Maybe then I wouldn't have a scar to show for my trouble now. But that was a decision I made and have to live with."

Letting him go was hardly any easier for her, but she could see through the haze of wanting both things and ignoring the in-between.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

"Why?" He asked quietly, looking her in the eye. "Why can't you trust me?"

It was a harsh question to ask, particularly in that moment. "I understand your reservations, I know why you're afraid...but I'm just asking you to trust me."

He frowned for a moment.

"I'm not a Sith. I'm not a politician. I'm not some kind of crazy conspirator that you're chasing down." Kurt continued on, his voice raising a bit. "I'm the man who you loved, still do love, I think."

The Courier looked at her. "I told you the truth. I didn't hide anything from you. I didn't cheat on you."

His fingers curled slightly.

"I've been there for you, I will always be there for you." Kurt continued. "I've supported you, held you, listened to you...always wished you the best and did what I could to support you."

He let out a long breath. "What did I do that's so wrong? I made one mistake before we were together. I told you about it, I didn't lie and tell you it wasn't mine. I didn't keep it from you until after I knew for sure. I told you the truth every step of the way, just like I always have and will."

"I'm not okay with throwing away what we have." Kurt told her. "Not when I can make the decision to keep it. Not when all I need is for you to trust me, the man who has always at least tried to do everything right with you."

 

[Jamie Pyne]

"I don't know Kurt!" She shouted despairingly, voice carrying over the falls a few meters away. "I don't know what's wrong with me, okay!?"

It wasn't that she didn't trust him, not entirely. It was just the fear of what could happen that bothered her so much. The idea that he spent all this time alone with her, it just didn't sit right with her. Maybe what she was feeling was simple jealousy that Kaile had the opportunity to just be with him all the time and she just couldn't do that, nor did she know if she ever could.

Her hands pulled at the hair draped behind her head.

"I don't know what you're expecting of me! We had this argument before!"

Her composure was slowly beginning to unravel the more she argued with him. He was making it out to be that she just didn't trust him and that was the whole of it, but it wasn't. It was just a convoluted mess of things that she had tried to suppress in the past, perhaps in the hopes that the problem would just be pushed along down the road until it was no longer one. That hope had blown up in her face now.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

His hands grasped around her arms.

His fingers wrapped around her wrists, a gentle touch that would pull her fingers free of her hand and bring her arms away from her hair. He looked at her, eyes latching onto hers, his face a breath away from hers. "Just trust me."

Kurt begged quietly.

"I know I've let you down." He told her quietly. "I know I've made you angry."

More than with just this. "But I promise you, I've never betrayed you. I've never done anything if I thought it would hurt you, not on purpose. This...all of this has been out of my control. I've done my best to fix it, I've done everything I could to make it right and will keep making it right."

The Courier frowned.

"Just trust that I won't hurt you, that I'll be there for you, that I love you. Just you." In the end, that was what it came down to. She could say she was scared, she could say that she was weary of what might happen, but if she trusted Kurt, those fears wouldn't ever come to pass.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

Jamie didn't pull away, her arms felt as if they had no strength to. Blue eyes just watched his hands pull hers away from her head, fingers wrapped around her wrists. A gloss began to fill over her eyes, vision slowly blurring as she shifted her head away from Kurt. She didn't want to let herself cry. Doing so somehow made it feel as though everything she had said was somehow invalidated.

The more he talked the harder it became to hold back. His words seemed to hurt more than they reassured her, as if each promise was more an accusation of why she was wrong to feel the way she felt. Maybe it wasn't rational, maybe she was crazy, maybe she just didn't understand the things going on inside her own head. Everything was just a torrent of mixed feelings that confused her more and more.

Her head fell forward against his shoulder, face tucking inward to Kurt's neck. He would feel the slow ticks of water against his collar, but the blonde said nothing in return, words lost within.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

Kurt didn't say anything.

Not this time. He simply wrapped his arms around her in a slow embrace. His hands slid across the small of her back, his fingers wrapping onto her sides as he pulled her close. Tears streamed into his shoulder and onto his shirt, but he didn't care.

He had no idea what this meant.

He had no idea if she was trying to say something or tell him what she felt, but in that moment it didn't really matter. Kurt hadn't meant to make her cry, he hadn't wanted her to break down here. So Kurt simply held her, his grip tightening around her, his arms gently squeezing her.

Comforting her.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

Minutes of silence passed, the only sounds being an occasional sniffle to prevent a mess of snot from running all over his shirt. Whatever words she wanted to say were lost in those moments, replaced by the steady stream of water that slowly dampened the cloth covering Kurt's chest. Light tremors found their way to her hands, lingering at her side.

Her mind raced to try and make sense of everything, to say what it was she wanted, but the words just wouldn't form.

She was entirely confused by her own emotions and how to handle them.

Eventually she found her legs tiring, her head pulled back and away from Kurt's neckline, leaving the skin saturated. Her right hand raised and wiped away what remained of the tears on her face and cheeks, small blotches of black lingering just beneath her eyes. It was hardly an attractive look. She stared back at him for a few seconds before a half broken smile came to her.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]

 

[Kurt Meyer]

[member="Jamie Pyne"]

The Courier smiled back at her. His arms were wrapped around her still, his fingers tight on her side even as she pulled back. It was one of the few things he had wanted before coming here, to hold her again. His shirt was soaked in tears almost down to his chest, Jamie looked liked a mess, but he didn't care about that. What mattered to him was that smile, that tiny little twerk at the corner of Jamie's lips. Seeing that was enough to make his stomach flutter a bit.

He still had no idea what it meant of course.

Kurt was, by every definition of the word, an idiot. He could catch emotions as well as the next man, but this...the situation they were in was hardly one you could just pull apart from a small smile. He needed more, he needed her to say something, but he wasn't sure if he should speak first.

So instead he just smiled.

His fingers tightened just slightly on her sides, though he didn't try to keep her pressed to him. Instead he simply enjoyed the weight of her in his arms. The feel of her besides him, the scent of her standing there.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

Blue eyes accented by black half rings looked up at Kurt. The tremor in her lip was still there while she searched for the words to say. Finally she said the only thing she could think to say, the only thing she knew she could say. It didn't make the situation better or worse one way or another, it was just what she felt she had to say.

"I'm just scared."

Scared of Kaile, scared of her own jealousy, scared of what opening herself back up to him could lead to, scared of herself and scared of how this could ever truly work between them. She didn't know how to find the words to express that, or how to tell him. If he could see inside her mind he would see every gear in full motion though nothing coming from the work. Her head ached, her eyes felt drained, legs exhausted. She just couldn't bring herself to admit what she was afraid of.

[member="Kurt Meyer"]