Private Imposter Syndrome

[Kaili Talith]

The pamphlet spoke of warm sun, calm seas and sprawling verdant forests that were teeming with wildlife. As the plastic-laminated three-fold guide of the island that Kaili was visiting closed beneath the pressure of her thumb she couldn’t help but raise her brow at what she was actually seeing. The skies were dark, the waves were giving the gravitic gyro-stabilizers a go for their money, and the island was hard to even see through the rain-induced mist that shrouded just about everything with a dulled gray aura of mystique. At frequent intervals the guiding light of the Shermin Lighthouse illuminated the way to a safe harbor and despite the otherwise terrible weather conditions Kaili couldn’t help but feel calm. At least about as calm as one could claim to be after opening those wounds that she would have thought to have been long since sealed.

Besides, the speedier option of simply going by air speeder to the island would have taken away the option to sit at a bar for the duration of the transition between the big landing pad built out at sea and the city by the shore. By the looks of it and the amount of people around her, Kaili was however pretty much alone. Only a handful of individuals had gone for the slightly pricier option, so in reality it was perhaps fair to say that the bad weather was a blessing in disguise. The blonde woman raised her index finger in the air and looked towards the bartender to get herself a drink before realizing that she wasn’t going to be alone for this one. Her index finger was joined by her long finger and the bartender swiftly provided her with both the drinks that she had asked for.

With her friend on approach Kaili began to sip on her provided drink and slid the other across the bar for Loske to catch. The room they were in was by all accounts empty, save for a lone family staring out at the rain in a cozy little corner, their children being far too preoccupied with their tablets and their games to pay the two women any real attention.

“Fancy meeting you here.” Kaili said and put on a feigned smile as she took another sip from her glass tankard and gave Loske a lookover. “You look great.”

That imperial accent was gone. This was just Kaili Talith in all of her lazy colony drawl and splendor who dressed, for once, to match who she actually was. Or perhaps, who she thought that she was. In reality a great many of the boundaries between who she thought she was and who she pretended to be felt like they had come crashing down at some point. The difference being that instead of wearing something more appropriate for raiding a tomb she had instead come dressed as just your average near-humanbeing. A buttoned-down shirt with a matching undershirt. Pants that slipped neatly into a set of waterproof boots. It didn’t really get more Colonies than that, or so some would say.

“Seems we missed out on the promised sunshine and beautiful verdant forests.”

[member="Loske Matson"]

 

[Loske Treicolt]

The boat's DJ is trying really hard to play something interesting over the speakers. ​

​

"Fa-ahncy that." Loske sing-songed in response to [member="Kaili Talith"]'s attempt at humour and raised her hand to show off a little. Rather than bread-basketing the sliding glass in her palm, she erected a small Force barrier around her hands and drew the glass to a slow stop before she lifted it up to gesture cheers. Over the glass, cerulean gaze translated the pride she felt at accomplishing that minuscule task with control.

Just before she'd crossed from the railing to meet her friend, Loske had been peering over the side of the boat. Enamoured by the violent romance of the colliding waves around them. She'd never been on a boat before, and she was incredibly impressed at the navigator and the potential for such a pleasant ride. As fortune would have it, such smooth sailings were not in the forecast for the Kiffar and Lorridian.

She looked down when Kaili complimented her, and back up in surprise. She wasn't looking particularly fancy -- instead, given the situation, she was in her most ultimate fatigues, hair scraped back and all. An awkward smile exhibited, and she gave a shrug "Thanks, and you look great." She commented back, lamely. Truth be told, she was still baffled at the fact Kaili Talith was sitting across from her. Not Amea Virou.

"Like, especially you." She emphasized again, if the woman hadn't gotten the astounding point the first time. Kaili and Amea shared a similar set of sharp, attractive features. The most recognizable difference between the two lithe women, who were actually the same person, was the saturation. Amea had more of a tan, and her hair was darker. Kaili looked gentle, with light hair and fairer skin with delicate freckles that painted the bridge of her nose and spilled across the apples of her cheeks.

"Oh no, that's..I think that's when we get there...Right? Or if we squint hard enough through the mist.." She countered, still blatantly confused by the swap in humans she was sharing company with. "There's still time for promises to be kept."

She took another sip. She hadn't tasted it the first time. The second time, she found herself pulling away. This was strong. "Did you mean to get it this intense?" Loske asked, tilting the glass as if she expected the alcohol to confirm the intentional strength rather than her friend.

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Loske Matson"]

A surprised if not confused brow rose as a grimace spread on Kaili’s entire face. She recoiled for a second from her friend’s compliment and then let on a new, far more genuine smile. Right, well, this shirt wasn’t exactly the well-worn fatigues of one Loske Matson, but they worked, Kaili could admit to that. The shirt on her shoulders didn’t allow her to show off her physique to the same degree, and sure enough it was difficult enough not to admit that for the faintest of moments Kaili’s heart would have skipped a beat at the sight of the other woman’s bared abs. Yet with her blonde hair tied back into a neat knot and the way that Loske almost unknowingly pulled the attention around the room towards her as soon as she stepped in, it wasn’t exactly hard to figure why. It was also hard to deny the fact that the outfit overall was unmistakably white as well, though it was certainly a color that worked well for the pilot so who was Kaili to judge, really?

“Yes, it’s… Me.” Kaili said and chuckled at the remark. To some extent even she was surprised, but Loske deserved to see Kaili as the person she truly was and not the smoke and mirrors that she pretended to put up around Amea Virou. To keep the act up when Loske knew who Kaili truly was, or at the very least was born as, was quite frankly pretentious to even consider. “Maybe if one of us had some sort of heat ray or gigantic fan we could do this tourist trap a massive favor, but alas.”

Kaili took another sip of the drink and didn’t quite react to the strength of it. A few years in the outer rim had that tendency to acclimate your internals to a poison or two. Unclean waters, improper handling of distilled substances, an overall fascination for doing things your own way had a way of hardening people. Yet the way that Loske scrunched that nose was by all accounts amusing to Kaili who despite acquiring a liking for the drink, still found it just a little too potent though she wouldn’t show it to quite the same degree.

“I mean, yes and no.” She said clearly affected by it just the tiniest bit. “Drinks make it easier to talk, and the easier it is for the drink to loosen that tongue, the faster we…” She had somewhere she was going with that. Kaili sighed and shook her head. “Point is, I owe you for what happened on Wayland, and I figured I would repay you with some proper one-on-one time. In a place that isn’t actively trying to kill us.”

That was of course to say that Kaili even remembered Wayland. Enough days, drinks, and days spent in drinks, had passed that she didn’t have the full picture of it. With luck neither would Loske. The blonde motioned her hand towards the windows and the storm outside and then looked back at Loske to take another sip.

“I would say I got about half of it right at the very least.”

 

[Loske Treicolt]

Please don't tip the DJ. ​

​

When Amea had appeared on Tatooine after several years of not talking, Loske had interrogated several times about the relationship between Amea and Kaili. She'd fretted that for Amea to live, Kaili had to be dead. It seemed this was not the case. Or, maybe it was, but not in the physical sense. The way the woman across from her held herself teetered on the bring of vulnerability and consciousness, and it made her wary. "Are you kidding? You're the only one who could both think of that and do it. Hey, maybe if you make up some sort of infrared source they'll comp all our drinks. Or at least, I think, those parents would." She gestured with a nod of her head over her shoulder to the family that was milling about undercover, the married couple seemed contented to let their children focus on something virtual, rather than each other. Which gave the parents some space to at least hold hands without their kids getting grossed out.

The false positive response about the lethality of the drinks made Loske chuckle, and she draped an arm on the countertop in preparation to signal the bar tender when [member="Kaili Talith"] finished her explanation for the order. At least she wasn't intentionally trying to get them killed, she just had something she needed to get off her chest. Starting with an apology for Wayland. A brow arched at the mention of the last planet they'd visited together.

Loske had enthusiastically reached out to Amea, considering she'd love to hunt through some history, and the whole mission had turned into a clusterheck. There were random doctors (who, coincidentally, Loske ran into again on Tython), Jedi Masters and several Sith. They'd had to bail. Or, definitely didn't get as far as they'd wanted. Which was disappointing for her. She'd imagined with Amea's practicality and favour for archeology, and Loske's innate historic tracking abilities, they'd make a pretty indestructible pair on the planet.

Alas. "Yeah," nervous laugh "That didn't turn out quite as I'd imagined."

Her lean in to the counter had been detected, and the bartender came over to them, swirling a cloth in a cylindrical glass to clean it out. "Could I get some kind of sweetener in here, please? Sorry, thanks." He frowned at her, but took the drink from the blonde and returned it within a handful of seconds. With just enough time to Loske to sniff and test it out, and give a nod of appreciative approval. "Thank you."

She looked back at Kaili. "I don't know, these waves are giving me assassination vibes." If Kaili wanted to drink, Loske would do her best to oblige. Ever the people pleaser, she took a much more relaxed sip and her tastebuds weren't instantly assaulted.

"Which half?"

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Loske Matson"]

Another uneasy grin had spread on Kaili’s lips at the compliment. She could have created a heat ray, and a gigantic fan, and saved the resort from any potential eternity of fog and rain, but that didn’t really strike her as something she wanted to do. Rain had its uses, they certainly had on Borleias before the Mandalorians destroyed that. As for Wayland it was always going to be a disaster given the sheer amount of people who were involved. Hadn’t the self-proclaimed original owners been there to interrupt, ego would have. Even Amea had been there on a selfish task, it stood to reason that not everyone involved had quite as noble intentions with their visit. Tombs were more often than not raided for personal gain, but Amea generally liked to pretend she was better than that.

“Well I’d like to say the part with the boat.” Kaili said with a shrug and a sip from her drink. “And the drink.”

For a moment Kaili seemed to pull back. There was clearly something she wanted to say but didn’t quite seem to find the word for. She looked uneasy, practically radiating it around the room as she considered what it was she wanted to say, or rather how she wanted to say it. With a small sigh through her nose she glanced up at Loske.

“And, I really needed someone to talk to.” She finally said and shook her head. “I’ve been a mess, and I can’t turn to my family for help. They’re… Part of it.”

Well, ‘they’ was a wide sweep. It was more accurate to say that ‘he’ was, and they both knew which ‘he’ it was that Kaili would refer to. Given Loske and Micah’s connection, she figured that she’d avoid mentioning him by name. It just felt easier that way. Besides that the closest thing that Kaili had to a friend was someone that she wouldn’t count on for emotional support. Ironically enough it was also the same person that had taken up the mantle her grandmother had once held as CEO for the Kuat Driveyards. The galaxy could seem so big yet so small at the same time.

“I went to Bespin recently, and…” Kaili lost her words there, her mouth left agape as she struggled to shape a single word. “Everything.” Good first step. The blonde woman let in a slow breath before she exhaled. “Came crashing down again.”

Another second passed before Kaili panicked again.

“I- I know it’s a lot to put on someone, but I just need help talking my way through it. You were the only one I thought to call. Or that I can call for that matter.”

 

[Loske Treicolt]

Is there even a DJ, or just someone's unattended playlist left on shuffle?​

"That's the good half." She nodded in agreement, lifting her now tolerable beverage in the air in a mock toast.

But it didn't take long for that jokey-celebratory mood to fade. The kiffar's expression was searching, but she remained silent while her friend introspectively hunted for a way to communicate the vulnerabilities she was feeling. From her seat, Loske could tell something internally was going on with the technomancer.

Suddenly she regretted being so sober, and seriously understood why [member="Kaili Talith"] had ordered such potent drinks. She sat wide-eyed while her friend admitted the reason for her outreach. The mention of Bespin and the reference to he-who-shall-not-be-named made her bite her lip.

What was Kaili doing on Bespin? Loske had just been on Bespin too...it had turned out weird. She'd impersonated an actress, actually, by Amea's suggestions on how to impersonate an imperial and....didn't matter. This wasn't about her. Questions already begun to form, and she tried to assess what it was the blonde adjacent to her was saying, and what role she wanted Loske to show up as. It sounded like she wanted to talk which meant Loske would have to listen.

First, she needed reassurance that she'd made the right decision and wasn't jeopardizing inappropriate exposure with Loske as a confidant. She moved her hands from cradling her drink to seek out Kaili's slipping her fingers over the back of her hand in an attempt to comfort her friend with a pat. "Thanks for calling me." She offered an easy smile and scooted forward in her seat, to look as interested as she truly was.

"And I'd like to talk. I think it's healthy...." A pause, searching eyes. "Why were you on Bespin?"

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Loske Matson"]

“I sign on with ships to go world to world. It leaves a bit of a trail, but one that I can easily shuffle around if I want to.” Kaili said and let in a deep breath. “This one needed to repair its fuel capacitors, Bespin was the only viable option.”

One could argue Amea could have fixed it, but overt usage of such an ability would risk outing Kaili.

“I wanted to avoid Bespin, but that wasn’t going to happen.” Kaili’s hand wrapped around her neck and she raised her glass to her lips to take a chug. It was hard not to grimace as she put the glass back down again. “I hadn’t been there since...”

Kaili’s shoulder sunk. She didn’t want to say it. She had worked through this, Allyson hadn't died and they had worked through what happened. Micah had woken from his coma. This wasn’t an issue, this wasn’t something she needed. The trauma had been handled, it was…

Still there.

“Micah and Allyson both died.” It was easy to withdraw into herself. Kaili began to pull back. “I went to some sort of opening night for a Perl club, tried to make the most of it but then I saw… Her. A woman that had been there when I felt… Everything, every single thing that happened that day.”

Her head shook.

“Have you…” Kaili closed her eyes. “Have you ever bonded with someone like that? His arm was my arm, his pain was my pain. As his arm was torn apart I felt everything, like I was there. Every passing breath that led to her last were mine to experience, and I was unable to do a single thing about it.”

 

[Loske Treicolt]

Loske was dutiful with her active listening, keeping hold of Kaili’s hand to continue the reassurance. While she spoke, she was cautious not to stare too much and took sips of her drink to break up her own movements.

There were a handful of seconds Loske thought she’d lose Kaili, but her friend was committed to her story and eventually continued the tale. This was... obviously difficult for the Talith. Loske appreciated that.

Bespin was a pit stop, and funnily enough [member="Kaili Talith"] had been at the same party Loske had. They’d just not seen each other, which was a shame. Kaili had seen a trigger though, which was a shame.

She pursed her lips in response to the explanation of seeing someone and being sent into a spiral. One that she’d yet to emerge from, it seemed.

“Not to that extent...” Loske responded to the question about a bond with someone. Her free thumb wedged between her teeth and she but down on it to stop from reacting too abhorrently to the plight Kaili painted. She’d not experienced something so numbing. She’d been able to communicate and sync movements with [member="Isar Kislo"] before she had started her Jedi training, but had chocked that ability up to being twins. Something like quantum entanglement. It wasn’t a physical, sensational bond though. The one she had with [member="Cedric Grayson"] seemed more akin to what Kaili was describing, though she hadn’t reaped the painful disadvantages Kaili described just yet, though Cedric said they were real. She wasn’t looking forward to testing that theory, especially at the sacrifice of the one on the other end of the ethereal tether.

It was her turn to pause in the conversation, unable to judge if Kaili wanted more of an answer than that. She figured if she was being so personal, it would have to be a mutual exchange.

“No, I can’t say I have.” She dropped her hand to her lap. “I can’t begin to imagine what that paralyzation would feel like.” She paused, mentally flipping a coin. She didn’t want Kaili to feel this was a pandering, disingenuous exchange. “And honestly, I hope I never have to..” Probably a pipe dream, given her relationships.

Not able to do a single thing about it. Wow. Loske’s stomach flopped at the idea, and she did what she could to pull herself from going down that mental path. It wasn’t a healthy place to live.

Neither was Bespin.

With her free hand, she signalled for another round of drinks.

She inhaled and exhaled slowly, giving herself time to collect and hopefully say the right thing. The part about Allyson confused her. She’d just seen her a couple of months ago, when she was about to start her Jedi training. But if Kaili had felt her die...? Weird.

“The galaxy can be as wicked as it is magical sometimes.” She murmured. Being able to be so close to someone that everything they experienced was shared should have been a beautiful thing. The nature of war twisted it to something devastating. “What would you have tried to do, if you’d been there with them?”

It was a raw, bad question, but maybe one worth thinking through if they could reach the conclusion that proximity would have been useless either way.

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Loske Matson"]

Anger had taken a hold of Kaili for a while. Home had suddenly become less colorful than it once had been, the bed she had once shared with Allyson far bigger than she had any recollection of. Kaili’s eyes opened once more and glanced up at Loske. She had overstepped what she was meant to share with others, hadn’t she? The panic was right there, pulled from a place she hadn’t thought existed after all this time. The look didn’t go away with the question either.

“Taken their place? I don’t know.” Kaili said and began to look around the room. “If I could have spared at least one of them the pain, I would have. Micah deserved better than the corruption thrown upon him, Allyson deserved better than to be taken from death’s door by the SIS.”

The details between it all was what had perhaps scarred Kaili the most. The digging through Allyson’s belongings only to be led on a trail of memories that ultimately wouldn’t be realized. There were many times when Kaili asked herself if that was the catalyst that had sent their relationship spiraling into chaos, but the more she had thought about it during the last few weeks it had grown abundantly clear that Bespin had been it.

“She uh,” Kaili sighed and let out a small chuckle almost as if she tried to laugh the pain away. “She forgot who I was. The SIS had managed to save her from death somehow, but the lack of oxygen had thrown her into a daze, caused her to forget who I or anything we ever had was. I did everything I could to make her remember but nothing I did seemed to work. I had to wait that out, and in the meantime she… Found someone else. For a while, at least, but the damage was already done by then.”

It was just about to reach the tipping point. Kaili looked around the room again and tried to find the words.

“I have never had anyone to talk to about this.” She said and stopped herself. “No-one that was willing to listen or that I could trust to… Help.”

Runi was… Not that kind of friend. Mara had a new life with Hylo to think about, and Kaili’s family were involved in the problem to begin with. There were others but none that she would have called close enough of a friend that she was comfortable with divulging her own feelings on the matter. The fact that Loske and Kaili had reunited had been a good reminder that at the very least there was one such person out there.

“I guess…” She tried to smile, one of them certainly tried to tug at the corner of her lips but nothing ever came of it. “I guess with my recent failures to track down this dirty bomb that is still out there somewhere, things just reached a bit of a boiling point.”

And in that moment, the smile would erupt just ever so slightly. “You’re a good listener.”

 

[Loske Treicolt]

Survivor Syndrome was a typical approach to the pain of losing someone close, in a semi-shared traumatic situation. It was difficult to conquer, and Loske did not have the academic aptitude to help talk Kaili through her reflections. Instead, she just nodded solemnly to Kaili's response.

"You're in your place, they're in theirs. I don't think things happen for a reason..." she bit down on her lip again, before letting the rest of her rationale spill out. "But they do test our constitution and our mettle. And what we choose to do with what happens to us...Micah uh..." it was the first time she'd said his name out loud in a very long time. She hadn't actually spoken it since Frank had delivered the news of his assumed death uncountable rotations ago. It felt foreign on her tongue..harsh and it didn't belong there. She swallowed and cleared her throat. "Micah has a new erm..situation to deal with." This sounded better in her head.

"I'm sorry about Allyson." She frowned. She was sorry about Micah too, but at least Micah still knew who people were, even if he didn't know who he was. Just as she apologized, a new round of drinks presented itself and Loske removed her touch from Kaili to take the glasses and set them in front of themselves respectively.

Her ears perked. "Dirty bomb in a physical, or metaphorical sense?" If it was physical, Loske would offer to help. Obviously.

"Ah!" She grinned crookedly at the compliment, and felt relieved. She was definitely struggling with how to best respond to the burden [member="Kaili Talith"] was unloading, and was happy to hear she was doing the job her friend needed and or expected. "You're a good talker."

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Loske Matson"]

It was what it was. Kaili dragged her hand across her eyes to wipe away any start up tears that were itching to throw themselves at the mercy of her cheeks. She had already mourned it, she had processed the fact that she was in a seat she had placed herself in. Not necessarily the fact what ground she had placed the seat on, but that she had ultimately been the one who cut ties with everyone and fled for the Outer Rim when things had become too much. Knowing that such was the case didn’t make the seat any less difficult to bear, but it made things easier knowing that at least now there was someone else that knew that despite how much Kaili wished to be okay with the past she just wasn’t. At least she wasn’t accepting of it yet, and that was okay. She had seen a therapist for survivor’s guilt once before as a child, this was just one of those times when the wound was too fresh to have truly sealed and it was likely that this wasn’t the last time that it would come back to hurt her.

“We’re still friends, I just… I felt her die, I mourned her. She came back, I lost her. She came back again. I couldn’t live with that kind of cycle and so I decided to cut it off. In fact, I cut it with everyone and I became… Someone else. The rest I’ve already told you.” Kaili said and finally began to pick her marbles up off the floor. “And that bomb was very much a real, physical bomb that I had been following for months. Every single lead I found had this tendency to disappear right before I could grasp it until a few weeks ago when I realized that I couldn’t keep chasing it. The trail has gone frozen, the item moved into some section of the galaxy that I just can’t seem to pick up at this point, and I’ve tried. Trust me.”

Her fingers wrapped around her glass and Kaili took a sip as she stared out the window. From her best lead getting blown up, to the other one being shot in the head right as she caught up to it, things had never gone her way and truth told Kaili had given up on it by now. That bomb, dangerous as it was, had fallen outside of her reach.

“Sometimes I think I should have just stuck to droids.” She said and twirled the drink in her hand before she took another sip. For the moment there was a brief silence as Kaili looked at the waves outside and the way the ship seemed to remain perfectly horizontal despite their attempted interference. Perhaps it was prophetic to some extent that this storm would hit when Kaili’s own had.

“What about you?” She finally said and turned back towards Loske. “I am usually the listener. Do you have anything that you need to get off your chest?”

 

[Loske Treicolt]

This was a story, and Loske loved stories. People who had memories, no matter how painful, seemed quite complete and were able to make decisions off history that had included them. Loske didn't have such a benefit, she'd been a manufacturer's mistake and only in the last couple of years had been able to make her own decisions. It felt great. No matter how bad or positive some of those choices had been, they were hers.

[member="Kaili Talith"] lamented on the cycle of her relationship with her ex-girlfriend, and Loske grimaced. That sounded incredibly frustrating, like the lyrics to a sad song. She then pivoted to confirming this bomb was a very real object, and the pilot's brows scrunched in consideration. Why were there so many threats to the galaxy? She huffed hotly at the dismissal of pursuit, and took a sip of her drink...pleasantly surprised that the bartender had remembered to make it sweet for her again.

"You are very good at droids." Loske affirmed, "Frank has been a skin saver. Thanks again for him." She chuckled at the recollection of their first memory, hoping to bring some levity back to the situation "Oh my god, do you remember that sex droid?!"

A palm faced Kaili, denying the request to off board the responsibility of listening. "I'm okay until you get everything off your chest. How are you feeling?"

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Loske Matson"]

A chortle spread Kaili’s lips into a grin.

“Think it’ll still be there if we go back?” Her voice went deep as she leaned in for comedic effect. “Never know if we’ll need it, right?”

All in good fun. In reality Kaili had forgotten it, but upon mention it was hard not to remember. She let in a deep breath and took the reins of her emotions again. If Loske was willing to listen then Kaili wasn’t exactly going to go about squandering the one shot she had in recent memory to truly get weights off of her chest.

“Alright, so, I mean…” She said and put her glass down on the counter with a frustrated sigh. “I mean, really. I wasn’t wrong in doing what I did but that doesn’t mean that I don’t regret it, you know?” Her hands rose in an indignant shrug. “I was hurt, I had to live through so many things that nobody should have to even go through, and I am supposed to just let that go?”

Her head shook. “In many ways I still care for Allyson, but that toxic chain would have been the end of us one way or the other, it was just a matter of time. We were hiding from our problems, using se- uh, other means to distract ourselves from what we really needed to do. She needed to face her past, and I needed to prove to myself that I had a purpose out there. I needed to find something that I hadn’t accidentally stumbled upon, something that I had chosen for myself.”

“Amea became that purpose with the odd jobs and the whole new life in which I could take my time to explore what it meant to be me.” It was positively a rant by now. “But now I am stuck with this odd seat where I want to be myself, yet the person I want to be 'me' is hidden behind another personality with a sense of freedom that is hard to deny.”

“You didn’t hear any of this, by the way.” She said and cut herself off, waved her hand towards the bartender and flicked her wrist at him as if to tug something out of him. He bowed his head in understanding and went back to cleaning the glass, clearly shaken but not perturbed as he struggled to recall what had happened for the last few minutes.

“The nights are still long, and I miss that feeling of having someone that close every day that passes, but at the same time…” Kaili chuckled and shook her head. “I’m 25 and I’ve still lived just a little less than a twentieth of my expected lifespan.”

A moment passed as Kaili pursed her lips with a somber realization. “... I never told her that.”

 

[Loske Treicolt]

Oh wow, flood gates. Loske mentally buckled in as Kaili accepted her invitation to fully unload and make sure nothing was left unaddressed.

She followed along as someone would to the lyrics at Karaoke. Bobbing her head along as the dot followed the narrative [member="Kaili Talith"] spilled. She was living with regrets, and the expectation that she had to let things go and continue on. Loske wasn't so certain it was a matter of letting go but being purposeful about how something affected your life. Again, all she could do was listen. She wasn't certified to offer any true advice. That also wasn't how she was being asked to show up.

A brief smirk evidenced at the quick change of the verb her friend chose to use about the toxic cycle, and she took another sip of her second drink. One elbow leaned against the bar, and she propped her cheek up with the heel of her hand, listening intently to Kaili with an unwavering gaze. The dichotomy of going backward, and the other needing to go forward, seemed like a very reasonable excuse for a couple to split up. Loske could identify with the requirement to make your own choices, and not just set down the path that was prescribed to you.

Kaili's plight was an interesting one. Mostly due to her mastery of deception up to this point, and being able to wholly identify herself in two distinct roles.

"What would happen if Amea and Kaili were suddenly the same person...to...everyone? Like a ... Kaimea or Ailea or something. Or just your name. Whichever you prefer.. I mean, now that you've trialled the façade for a while now, and it sounds like you don't want to keep it up much longer, what would happen?"

The bartender was attentive, and before the second round was complete, he provided a third.

"What does Allyson think happened to Kaili?"

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Loske Matson"]

“Well she doesn’t know that Amea exists. I disappeared and have popped up a bit here and there to give off the idea that I am at the very least still alive. Not just to her but other more prying eyes, should they be inclined to try and find me.” Kaili said and winced at the karaoke singer who seemed to be getting quite the crowd. Her focus set on Loske again and the third round of drinks that had already taken a firm hold of her by now. It would seem that her suspicion that drinks made it easier to talk had indeed been true. “And, you know, I often ask what would happen if I just came clean about the whole thing, but there are things that I have done as Amea that I don’t want pinned on my own name. People that I know and work for that I would like to keep separated.”

“Maybe I am just overthinking it,” She raised her glass. “Or am drunk.” Then lowered it. “Possibly both.”

“And, really, what about you? We hardly even met and I am unloading on you like some sort of… Unloading-cannonball-shooting-contraption.” Also known as a cannon. “What has happened since we last met?”

 

[Loske Treicolt]

This was a taste of Loske's own medicine. Usually she was in the position of the rambling unloading-cannonball-shooting contraption, to be on the other side of it, and be aware of that paradox, was kinda insightful.

"Mmm. Makes sense...what did yo-Amea do?" She asked, curious what action Kaili, the puritan who wouldn't even give Frank any good weapon systems, would do. On both the girl's cheeks, a light rosy hue had started to surface the more they imbibed. [member="Kaili Talith"] wore the blush better, beneath the spattering of freckles.

"Let's go with both, I find they tend to go hand in hand. I get really self conscious when I drink too," Loske indulged, her constitution starting to fail her and her metabolism failing to filter the alcohol constructively. Her next admittance was akin to the compassionately rooted confession that made her blow her cover on Bespin with [member="Djorn Bline"]. She looked sheepish, never wanting to appear as something other than who she was..which was just someone who was doing her darnedest to be a good friend. "Or just overly...mm...everything. I think we both know I talk a lot. I'm glad you thought I was a good listener, I'm trying."

"Wheeelp." She drew back in her seat, folding one leg under the other thigh to shift her weight around while still positioned to focus on the two-faced woman. "I was finally convinced to start training to use The Force. I'm officially a Padawan Learner." She splayed her palms out in front of her, like a celebratory jazz hands in front of her stomach so as not to draw too much attention and keep the celebration between the two of them. "It's far more consuming than I thought it would be."

 

[Kaili Talith]

“Theft, mainly. Espionage, according to some.” Kaili waved her hand before her as if to swat the words away. “Baseless rumors.”

“It’d be a lie if I didn’t say I felt like it was a potential mistake.” That’s really cool. “Said Kaili, and took another sip from her drink.”

The drink burned its way down the throat as she realized the paths between thought and speech had crossed. She cleared her throat and straightened her back and began to speak before Loske could get all too insulted by the insinuation.

“I mean, because I just… The titles, the religions and their wars.” It was a scar deepened by the fact that in the end the struggle of light and dark had been what took both Micah and Allyson away from her, it had been something that occupied Aela’s mind entirely, it had even been what had caused her parents to meet, and beyond the men and women of war it had seen the destruction of a great many places. “It is good, really good, that you are learning, just… Please, be careful. This path is a dangerous one. One that sees many people believe that their path is the only one to be walked despite historical proof that says otherwise.”

Deep breath. Okay, Kaili had explained herself.

“So, who is the lucky master?” She said with a grin.

[member="Loske Matson"]

 

[Loske Treicolt]

"Well, I mean, I've got it, so I might as well figure out how to use it."

She'd had her apprehensions as well, especially given her teacher being somewhat of a conservative zealot. He understood she was a bit of a free-spirit, however. "Ok, let's just say learner then -- drop the Padawan bit." She waved her hand as if dusting away nothing through the air. She hadn't said Jedi Padawan, but [member="Kaili Talith"] was right. Titles were constructs of a regime, and if someone wanted to get things done it was usually outside the boundaries of such constraints.

Like Amea had done, after Bespin. The last time they'd talked about any sort of allegiance or whatever, was on Tatooine. When Loske was still swept up in the wonder of The Alliance.

She got where her friend was coming from, and it was a similar place as Loske did on the daily. "I really hope I don't become a myopic prude." The confessional was complemented by another sip of her drink, feeling her cheeks flush instantly. Was it getting hot in here?

"I'd like to think I learn from everyone -- but if we are doing the titles thing, his name's Cedric Grayson, uh, bit of a funny story there with the whole family thing." She leaned in, dropping her voice to what was supposed to be a whisper, but was really just a hoarse inside-voice given she was getting a little buzzy. "My mom kinda damned his father to....death." She pulled back, over emphasizing her grimace like a comical oops. "But," she shrugged "..so far, so good with the second generation."

 

[Kaili Talith]

It was true, despite having just re-established their contact with one another Kaili had taught Loske the basics of impersonating others. It wasn’t exactly the force, but it was true enough that Loske learned perhaps a bit from everyone around her, same as everyone else. Kaili took a sizable sip from the bottom of her drink.

“-Cedric Grayson-”

Kaili choked on her drink and played it off as if she simply inhaled her drink. To say that she had read of him was perhaps an understatement. To many he was the hero that reclaimed Coruscant from Imperial clutches, to many others he was just another big target. The Hex’s network was certainly abuzz with the news of his arrival, but if this was true then the target on his back would paint an even bigger one on Loske as well, should the connection between the two ever be drawn. Kaili listened as her friend talked about him. He had the same last name as the person Kaili would assume to be Loske’s ‘mom’ in this case. To think she banished him…

“Good. Hope it stays that way.” Her brows furrowed for a second as she tried to formulate a question to follow it up with. They rose as she settled on just the one. “Does that mean…” Kaili cleared her throat to regain her posture. “Do you live on Coruscant now, then?”

[member="Loske Matson"]

 

[Loske Treicolt]

If [member="Kaili Talith"] had faltered, or had any reaction, it was lost on the buzzed blonde. Perhaps if she'd had more of her wits about her she'd have a stronger perception of her friend's reaction.

"Uh, no." Loske reached up to adjust the tightness of the twist in her hair, and wiggle the elastic a bit. "Maybe? Indirectly? I do spend a lot of time there. Truth be told, I don't like Coruscaunt...and I haven't had my own apartment since Sullust." She frowned at this, not having really thought about that before. Or saying it out loud. Training and Cedric's alternative efforts were fully consuming, and meant she was on the go a lot.

She dragged the bottom of the glass to and fro' on the counter top, letting the ice tinker against the edges as she thought about this. "Maybe I should get a place.. Any real estate suggestions?"