Private Kings and Queens

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsabers

"I won't give up on you, but it's just as important that you don't give up on yourself either," Valery said with a warm smile. "What happened can't be undone, but it doesn't need to be forgotten either. In the heat of that moment, you made a decision to stay alive, and now you have the ability to learn ways to do that without tapping into something darker." That reflection was crucial, or else this ability to drain people would become an easy crutch.

He needed to force himself to find other ways.

Valery then took a step forward and smirked, "Don't worry, you're not going to drain me." She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a hug that she allowed to linger a moment longer than she usually would. After pulling back, she patted him on the shoulder and looked over her own.

They still needed to get out of these creepy alleys.

"I think we're done for today. Why don't we get something to eat and then get some rest, hm?"

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Lightsaber
Tag: Valery Noble

Be better.

That was the ultimate lesson Valery was trying to impart to him today, just less in a "you're a fuck up, turn your life around' way and more in a "we all make mistakes, and we all learn from them" kind of way. And the truth was... that had been the point of every action he'd taken since meeting her. Even the less-than-stellar choices he'd made, like killing Kreth and draining that man today.

"...and now you have the ability to learn ways to do that without tapping into something darker."

"Will you help me with that?" He asked quietly, "I... I want to learn to do more with the Force. Find ways to subvert fights entirely, and not always have to end them at the tip of a lightsaber."

It had never been an easy thing for him, to ask for help. But he found it to be a much simpler task when his best friend was hugging him, giving him a safe place to quietly collect himself after the events of today had shaken his mind. He let out a long sigh as he tucked his head over her shoulder. Because, as much as today had sucked, at least he hadn't been alone.

It wasn't the same as having his family back, and it never would be. But some people were like family, and that could be enough.

"I think we're done for today. Why don't we get something to eat and then get some rest, hm?"

"I... don't know how hungry I am, honestly," Gatz admitted, pulling away from her, "I did just empty the contents of my stomach, after all. But I wouldn't mind finding a tavern or an inn for the night."

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsabers

Valery nodded, "Of course, I'll help with that. I promised to teach you more lightsaber dueling skills, and I could easily add more lessons about different abilities to the list. But I also don't know everything," Valery said with a chuckle, "A great strength of the Jedi is that we are all quite easy about sharing knowledge, so use that to your advantage. Find different teachers with different specialties, and learn from them." He has already been doing that with skills like Force Healing, but she wanted him to keep doing it.

A variety of teachers and different perspectives would open his mind the most. And if he wanted to learn skills that allowed him to end a fight without a blade, he'd definitely need to learn from more than just Valery. Her true strength was with the blade and the Force in a more combative sense.

But they could think more about that later.

"Well, if you emptied your stomach, you might get hungry again soon." She flashed a stupid smirk and patted him on the shoulder, "Let's first find a place to stay. I do want to eat something before bed, but maybe we can just get you something to drink. I'm sure the after-taste is something you want to get rid of, no?"

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Lightsaber
Tag: Valery Noble

"Find different teachers with different specialties, and learn from them."

"I'm trying,” Gatz admitted, "but I'm... I'm not really cut out to be a Jedi, I think. The only thing I've ever shown any promise in is the lightsaber."

He blew out a breath—half frustrated at his own inadequacies, half exhausted after the events of the day. Gatz wanted to be irritated at how bad he was at being a Jedi, and yet found that he just didn't have the energy to. With the way his body was starting to slow down, he didn't think he had the energy for anything.

"I think I've accepted the fact that you'll never see me take the Trials."

That was beginning to bother him less and less. Being confronted with the fact that he was remedial had been... heartbreaking. But slowly, with a great deal of time and patience, Gatz had found a meager amount of peace in his fate. Eternal Padawan or not, he was still in a position to help people. And that was still better than what he'd been doing with his life before he met Valery.

Some things just weren't meant to be. That was okay, he thought.

"...But something to drink, and a chance to brush my teeth would both be nice." He agreed, "but, uh... where the hell are we? Everything looks different at night, and I'm pretty sure these are different alleys than the ones we were in before."

Not that Gatz didn't enjoy an evening stroll, but he just wasn't in the mood tonight. He'd much rather find a soft bed and a warm fire—because Midvintir was chilly at night.

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsabers

"Who says you're not already going through some of your trials? They're not a neatly planned-out group of challenges at the very end of your time as a Padawan. Some start much earlier than others, often when you don't even know they've started, and you've been challenged in a lot of ways already." Sure, there was more to be done, and he was still actively asking for training with both the blade and the Force. But the trials were a lot more than testing those skills.

They'd test him as a person and a Jedi.

"It's okay to struggle with it all, too. I've seen and even had Padawans who some might have given up on, but their determination always helped them pull through in the end." She paused for a moment and decided to tell a story, "A long time ago, there was a Padawan whose Master was killed in action. The Council at the time viewed that event as his trial of Flesh, but he hadn't completed all other Trials yet, so he needed a new Master to help him along to Knighthood."

"I picked him up alongside my own Padawan and it was the most difficult time I've ever had training a Padawan. He was... broken. He was an older Padawan already, not much younger than you are, and he had lost someone he cared a great deal about. So... who could blame him? Up until then, he had been a fine student but suddenly, he was doing things highly unbecoming of a Jedi. I stopped him from shooting someone in the face with a blaster after he had already disarmed the man. When I asked him why he was going to shoot the man, he told me it was because he had hurt an animal." Valery sighed, as those memories resurfaced. But she had brought them up for a reason.

"Seeing him do that, I almost stopped believing he could pass the Trials. He almost stopped believing himself." She looked at Gatz and offered him a warm smile, "What I'm trying to say is — you're not alone in your struggles, and even if these bad days make you feel as if there's no point anymore, there always is. He became a Jedi Knight and we were close until I vanished. You will become a Jedi Knight, too."

She wasn't sure if the story would resonate with him at all. Gatz wasn't exactly trying to kill unarmed people, but she did know that he wasn't always confident in himself. And now, he had done something to protect himself that he struggled to accept. She just wanted him to know that it wasn't the end.

"I think it's that way," Valery said as she nudged him along a little. "We should hurry. It's getting cold."

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Lightsaber
Tag: Valery Noble

Gatz listened quietly as Valery told the tale of her Padawan—a story from the Old Republic. He felt himself enraptured, not only because it was a tale meant to banish his self-doubt, but because Val rarely talked about her history before she'd been put in stasis. Granted, that history was that of a Jedi Shadow, and Gatz thought that he didn't want details on how she used to be, but...

It struck him that he knew so little of his best friend. Except for the things that deeply upset her, or her trauma with slavers and Hutts.

But when Valery was done speaking, Gatz found himself reflecting on her words. If that mess of a Padawan could be Knighted, then maybe there was hope for him yet. Maybe he was only good at a few specific things, and maybe he was a failure in the one thing he wanted to be good at, but... hadn't he just helped Valery dismantle an evil cult? Was he not regularly taking assignments from the Council, some of which were even solo?

He might have been remedial, but he was still acting the part of a Jedi.

"I've spent most of my life being a failure. Being told that I'm a failure. I don't know how to see myself as anything else." He admitted. "and I don't know how to believe in myself when everything I touch seems to go wrong."

It was a lesson he was doomed to fail, every time it was taught to him. Valery may have been the first to try and teach it to him, but she was far from the only one. How many times had Amani Serys and Inanna Harth tried to hammer that particular lesson into him? But every time it seemed like it was going to stick, something happened that shook his faith in himself all over again.

Like what he'd done today.

"The only thing that has ever held me back, is me." Gatz realized, at long last, "but I don't... I don't know how to stop."

 

[Valery Noble]

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Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Weapons: Lightsabers

"It's not something that stops or changes from one day to another," Valery explained with a warm smile, "If you've felt stuck in your own head, or if other people have always put you down, and made you think you're not enough, then it'll take time to change that way of thinking" she frowned at the mere idea of anybody being like that, but she knew that it wasn't uncommon in the Galaxy. Some people thrive off of making others feel beneath them.

"That's why it's important to keep going on assignments. I can tell you a hundred times that you're not a failure, but it means less than you experiencing success in the field just once." Today was a mission with mixed results, but they had taken down this Dark Lord and most of its cult.

A lot of people would be living safely again because of their efforts.

"So, keep going on missions with me, alright? You're doing great."

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Lightsaber
Tag: Valery Noble

"Oh man," Gatz groaned, "I was really hoping you had some magical confidence booster hidden in your pocket."

Gatz sighed, but straightened out. He was doing everything else the slow and steady way, so why not this too? He'd have given almost anything to have even a fraction of the arrogance he'd possessed during his criminal career... but it was better that such a thing had been beaten out of him. He didn't admit that verbally, of course. He doubted Valery would see anything getting 'beat out of him' as a good thing.

Her line about success and experiencing it just one time stuck with him though. He still remembered Sovereign Station, and how good it had felt to watch all those stolen ships full of freed slaves abscond from the heart of Kragan's empire. Already that seemed like a lifetime ago; a deed performed by a man he hardly recognized.

He still had nightmares about Valery getting shot for him though, so it hadn't all been good. But Gatz was quickly coming to realize that few missions were.

"So, keep going on missions with me, alright? You're doing great."

"I will," Gatz promised with a small smile, "for as long as you'll let me."

Gatz couldn't pretend that her praise didn't leave something warm in his chest—in that cold, hollow space that had been there since he'd lost his family. It would fade eventually, he knew. Validation, as good as it felt, didn't last forever. But he could hold onto that feeling now, and maybe it could be a remind that no, he wasn't a total failure.

Rough day or not, that was enough for him for now.