No Candle in the Dark

[Liliane]

She was afraid. She was doubtful. Her head was unable to rest, she had to think. Yet thinking made her more and more worried, more and more scared. She was in a circle from which she could not escape. There was no way out, no way to get out of the tracks which she had to follow.

Sitting on a bench in the Temple on Sullust, she tried to focus, to concentrate, to think. But Lilin was not a meditative person. The act of silence and focus didn't quite help her at all. She never managed to succeed in anything when she meditated on it before.

That's why she'd chosen never to do that again. That's why she was a Guardian and not a Consular. And even though even the most agile and powerful of fighters meditated, she didn't.

Maybe that's why she was in such a situation. But meditating would have made everything even worse. She remembered the last time she tried to get rid of her troubles that way. She would have committed suicide due to that had a person not interrupted her.

So instead, she had to rely on other things to keep her happier. Drinking, sleeping, staying alone seemed to be the best things to do. Yet... they weren't. In fact, they only made the situation worse.

She didn't know what to do. She was helpless. Around her was most likely a huge aura of depression. But she didn't care. Didn't care because what she did and felt was not other people's to judge.

So she sat. And cried.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

There was a rattle of foil paper being torn, following by a distinctive crack of a bar of chocolate being snapped.

“Hello Lilin, chocolate?” came a voice from behind her right shoulder. Jacen leant onto the back of the bench to her side on his right forearm and held out his left hand with the bar of thin, dark chocolate.


Not long ago.


The ebb and flow of the Force was a constant rhythm that washed over Voidstalker's mind. Not long ago he had managed to immerse himself in the Force so deeply he had experienced a clear vision of the future. A dark future he had managed to avert. Curious to see if he could repeat the experience Jacen now spent more time looking to the future than the past when meditating. This was a good thing. He was finally managing to accept his previous mistakes for what they were and move on.

Perhaps it was the focused meditation that Adele Adonai had aided him with, but just as likely it was helping others. By seeing the mistakes of those younger members if the Order around him and trying to help them work through them, it seemed to help him come to terms with his own. Imparting the advice to others possibly forced him to take his own medicine.

Something was disturbing the flow, rocking the boat. A stygian wave loomed over him, threatening to crest and drag him down into the depths.

Jacen's eyes snapped open. For a moment he sat motionless. Then his brown eyes looked to each side as if he could spot the source of that disturbance. Tentatively he reached out through the Force to try and touch it. He sensed a familiar presence, but it was tinged in a deep, deathly cold sadness.
In one smooth motion Jacen rose to his feet and shook out his robes. He thought back to that search through to caverns of Ilum, of a girl who refused to stop asking questions when something perturbed him. He would go and find her, but first he needed something from his room.

 

[Liliane]

Chocolate? Lilin had a pretty solid idea of who was behind her without having to even look. As she thought about it, the voice was actually really familiar as well. So even though she wouldn't have wanted to do that, she looked at the man, smiled for a moment, and then patted on the bench as a gesture for the man to sit down as well.

She took one of the pieces of chocolate, muttered a "Thank you!" and took a bite of the dessert. It was the very same chocolate the man had given her on the day when they were hunting a lightsaber crystal on Ilum. That very same taste which she had liked so much.

She wouldn't have wanted to smile -- because depressed people rarely wanted to -- but she had to. Because a memory so dear to her was brought back into her mind and she couldn't just sit there crying while thinking about it. All the good times when she didn't feel so bad were starting to come back to her.

"Nice to meet you again, Jacen," she said, hoping that the man was still OK with calling each other by their first names. After all, she'd heard he was now a Master, which was a rank he really deserved.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

It wasn't her red puffy eyes, or even the strain he saw behind that smile that concerned him. It was a familiar feeling, one he had hoped never to experience again. It wasn't the same as sadness. It was like a cold blanket that snuffed out all trace of joy. It was lethargy. It was hollow. It was radiating off her, spreading out like a dark cloud through the Force.

It was always difficult to admit you were in trouble. He knew that first hand. Back when he'd been a soldier he'd never truly accepted any of the terms the doctors had used. He'd just taken the pills, their advice and pressed on. He didn't suffer as he once had. Now he had new weapons to stave off the darker times.

It meant he also knew the things not to ask, such as ‘what is wrong with you?’ Instead Jacen offered a warm smile and asked a far more simple question.

“Do you mind if I sit here? It is good to see you too Lilin."

 

[Liliane]

"Take a seat," the girl said, with a serene tone to her voice and a hint of sadness, exhaustion. Her once cheerful voice had slowly turned into a whole ton heavier one which had no joy to it anymore. Anything which could have been heard from her lovely tone was gone and she was fully grasped into the hands of depression.

She loved how the man had found her and made his way to her. Not because she wanted him to help her, but more because he was somebody she knew but with whom she hadn't spent every day with in the past. There were many former friends of Lilin's over there halls, but she would have never wanted to speak the most of them in a situation like that.

But Jacen -- he was different. Ever since the adventure on Ilum, he'd radiated a feeling which was hard to describe. It was something between tranquility and faithfulness. At least to the eyes of Lilin.

"How have you been?" she asked from the man to avoid the subject of her mental state.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

“Not too bad,” Jacen sighed as he slumped down onto the bench. He ran his thumb down through the back of the foil packet and placed it on the back between them. That ensured the chocolate wouldn't melt in a pocket, whilst also making it clear she was welcome to as many squares as she pleased.

“Somehow I went from trying to work in law enforcement and keep an eye on some headstrong kids - including Master Na’Varro’s daughter - to helping to lead this fight,” he explained, referring to his own master's daughter who had been in The Covenant. He was looking up through the curved glass of the biome at the low-hanging sun. He enjoyed both views that could be afforded by the temple: the mountain ranges from the floating dome; and the twinkling lights in the caverns below ground.

Jacen turned to meet Lilin’s gaze casually, trying to cover the fact that he was watching her for tells with his investigator training. “How about you? Did you migrate here with the rest of the Covenant?” he said, giving her a warm smile.

 

[Liliane]

"I'm glad to hear you've been doing fine," Lilin commented, even though her voice didn't speak of being too excited or joyful. It was more along the lines of being really tired and exhausted, which she was not.

"Before the end days of the Covenant, I left my home and the faction and everything to take one a little bit of a pilgrimage during which I would understand who I really was," the girl tried to make her struggles sound a little bit better than they had really been. "Uh, I was away for months, I think, and when I came back, there was no Covenant left. I heard you had all moved to this new faction and everything, so I decided to join you as well."

She looked into the eyes of Jacen while she took another piece of the chocolate, hoping she wouldn't seem too greedy. It just happened to be so that chocolate was both mentally and physically pleasing and made her feel a lot better inside.

"It was difficult at first, since you know, when I returned, my mental state was not so stable yet and all the stuff."

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

Jacen's mind was whirring as he listened intently, but he tried to keep that from playing across his features. The gap she left regarding her time away spoke volumes, but he didn't want to appear to be prying.

As she finished talking, however, it was clear she was trying to find a way to voice some of her problems. He broke eye contact and looked back out across the gardens, attempting not to seem too intense.

"Would you like to talk about what happened?" he asked quietly, his hand finding another square of shiny, dark chocolate without him looking. "I'm sure someone here will listen if you don't want talk about it with me," he added quickly.

 

[Liliane]

She took a deep breath.

"I think you're the only one I wanna talk to about it," she had to admit. She was not ready to talk about it to Kaili, to Aela, to Micha, to Kaia. Not even Vexen. She thought the only one she was ready to tell the story to was Jacen.

She didn't know where to start, though. Even she herself didn't know what it all was about or what was the reason she felt so bad. She had a few theories, but no certain facts about it. Perhaps the man could help her find out what was behind the depression?

"I... don't know if I've told you about that, but... The most of my family are Sith." She turned her face away from Jacen. It was easier to talk about that if she was looking down. "I am full of Dark Side corruption, but I don't want to fall. Everything inside me tries to tell me to go to the Dark Side, but... I've fought against it all my life."

She could remember the few times when she had utilised her Dark Side powers. They were not amazing.

"The struggle tore me apart until I just couldn't keep up with anything. I had to leave and to think. But staying away from my friends and family made the situation even worse. I wanted to..."

She couldn't say that out loud. But she had to.

"... kill myself."

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]
Jacen took a long slow breath. He literally felt the weight of the responsibility bearing down on him. As if an anchor had been tied to his insides and thrown overboard. She should be talking to a professional about this, but if it was only him she could talk to, then he would listen. He turned to face her then and tentatively placed a hand on her shoulder. It wouldn't do to keep looking away after such a revelation, but if she flinched he would keep his hand away.

Several thoughts went through his mind then. There were pieces of advice to impart but now wasn't the time; he would run the risk of seeming to belittle her problems. Instead he chose a different tack, but made sure to ask more question. Just talking this through to someone who was prepared to listen would likely do Lilin more good than any ideas he happened to have.

“I'm always here if you want to talk. Make sure you have my address to dial over the holonet if needs be,” he said, his voice low and quiet. “How does it feel, when the dark side is calling to you?”

 

[Liliane]

"It's... as if everything I feel is darkness. All my thoughts and emotions are mutated, turned into something I don't want them to be," Lilin tried to make an attempt at describing what she felt inside. It was difficult to do that as the Dark Side was not something she could easily explain. "I think in my case, the situation is different. My mother was a powerful Sith and I was born naturally corrupted. All the darkness is inside me and logically thinking, I should let it take me over. But I can't. It's wrong. The Dark Side is wrong."

She could feel the angst level inside her rising. But she couldn't change that -- she had to talk about what she was feeling inside. Thank goodness there was nobody else in these halls.

"It tears me apart. Every time I talk, I fall. It's like falling to the Dark Side a million times and having to redeem yourself again every single time."

She grabbed her head with her arms. The Darkness inside was strong. And even though she fought against it every single moment of his, talking about it was even worse. But the point was, without talking, she couldn't get rid of that.

"I don't want to fall, I've never wanted to. I've done everything I could to get rid of that curse, but I can't, I just can't." Her hands moved to her face as she tried to cover the tears. "I can't."

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

Keeping his left hand resting lightly on her right shoulder Jacen slipped off the bench. He came down on one knee directly in front of her, staying at her level. If she took her hands away, she'd see him right before her.

“It's hard to see now, but you can and you will. You're not on your own Lilin, I'm here and I want to help. We all care about you,” he said softly. “When you feel hollow the Dark Side offers a way to feel again, to fill that hole, but only with negative emotions. Had it been harder for you since you went off on your own?” he asked.

The anguish was radiating off her so strongly that he needed to reinforce his own mental walls just to prevent himself from being overwhelmed by them himself. Later on he could try and help her relax and try and take her through some of the meditation routines he'd been shown. If she felt up to it she could even lower her own barriers and let him try and help her find some measure of calm. For now though, he just needed to let her talk whilst she could. More and more people seemed to be counting on him personally these days. He sorely hoped he would not crack under the weight.

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

 

[Liliane]

"It... it peaked when I was alone."

Her voice was fragile, for the first time in forever, and was slightly muttered and distorted by her cry. She wouldn't have wanted to be weak, especially in the Temple, especially in a situation like that. But she couldn't help but cry.

"But I couldn't feel happiness in my life even in my later days in the Covenant."

Of course Darrick, her grandfather, had helped her a little bit -- he had kept the girl from killing herself -- but that was mostly it. Being a Sith, it was really difficult for him to actually help the girl in any way. He had managed to make the Darkness more powerful in the girl while he'd treated her depression.

Such was the power of a mentalist.

"I know I shouldn't be alone, but I want to... I just... can't."

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

"Okay... Okay Lilin," Jacen said softly on his deep voice. "You don't have to be alone. Talking to me about it, that's a good step, trust me," he said quietly. He would never bring up the many times he'd suffered from depression himself, not now. Comparing any of his experiences to hers would just be unwise. These were her problems, utterly unrelated and with their own solutions. But he was fairly certain that talking about it was better than bottling it up for everyone.

"I'm not going anywhere," he said. He dropped his head a few inches and turned it to one side. There was a small smile on his face as he tried to get her to meet his eyes. "Is there anything else you'd like me to do to help?" he asked, gently squeezing her shoulder with his hand.

 

[Liliane]

She sighed as she tried to wipe her tears away. She didn't know what to do -- she needed help, but she did not want to be selfish. Or come off as being self-obsessed. After having invited him to help her at finding a lightsaber crystal and now putting him into a situation where he was the only one able to help her, she couldn't just ask for any more favours.

"Uh... Is there anything you want me to help with?" she asked. "I want to do something good for others in return."

Perhaps that way she could at least make the depression slightly more bearable. Helping others was a Jedi thing and if the Dark Side suffered from that, then she could surely make herself feel better when she did something good.

"Do you have anything I could help you out with?"

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

“Oh… Erm…” Jacen's brow furrowed. He hadn't expected that question in return. He tilted his chin back and looked up through the glass biome and he racked his brain.

“Actually right now I'm short of hands with the padawans. We're always in need of more sparring partners at the academy. A lot of the time it's safer to have an experienced duellist going through velocities and sparring with the novices than letting them pair up and go at it. That sound like something you'd be up for? I always find a bit of sparring helps me clear the mind. Actually, what colour did your saber blade end up in the end?” he asked. His tone gradually shifted from soft and serious, to lighter and more conversational as he spoke.

 

[Liliane]

"I would certainly be up for that," Lilin said while the tears still kept flowing. "I know I have to do that so that I wouldn't be alone."

She hadn't thought of being an instructor or even an instruction's aide in the academy, mainly because she wasn't good at teaching. She'd gotten most of her sills from being 'thrown into water' and therefore, lacked the knowledge of how to teach anything to others. Yet sparring was an amazing thing to help out with. Especially since dueling skills were her best.

"The lightsaber ended up being blue," she said as she tried to regain from crying and took her hilt out of her belt. She took it straight into her right hand and pushed the red button, igniting the saber. A beam of blue energy rose into air from it.

"Quite fitting for a Guardian."

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

"Looks like exceptional handiwork," he said with a curt nod. "Perfectly stable beam and...may I? Yes, nicely balanced hilt as well," he added, passing it back. "Most of the padawans are still on training blades and no matter how good you are, some of them are a bit...jumpy. So unless you have a safety mode on that one, I'll make sure we have a spare," Jacen said.

He sat back up on the bench besides Lilin, which also gave her an opportunity to finish drying her eyes. He pulled out a small data device from his side pocket and passed it to her. "My contact details," he said. "If you ever want to talk, or you feel like you want to hurt yourself again please call me," he said, before taking in a deep breath.

"Do you want to go for a walk or run for a while? Round one of the artificial lakes or through the gardens perhaps? I always find it a good way to clear the mind before some meditation."[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

 

[Liliane]

Lilin took the chip, looked at it and then put it into her pocket.

"Yeah, let's... go to the gardens," she said with the same monotonous, tried voice which she had had before bursting into tears. She felt like Jacen could really help her feel a lot better and that was only a good thing to know.

She stood up as she attached the lightsaber's hilt back to her belt and looked outside. It was a nice day, one which she would have really enjoyed before the depression. Maybe if they took a walk, she would feel a little bit brighter. Only a hope, but it was still better than thinking bad and miserable thoughts.

She then looked at the man to see if he was going to follow.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

Jacen fell into step beside lilin as she headed off in the direction of the gardens. "So much more pleasant up here than the lower sections," he remarked. "I know this biome is artificial air, but when you're in the gardens or next to one of the bodies of water it sort of...makes the air taste more natural, if that makes sense."

He was silent for a moment. Like a boatman at a fork in the canal, he was trying to weigh up which route to steer the conversation down. For now he decided to stay on small talk. She'd let him know when she wanted to talk more about what upset her, he decided.

"You know I can't recall now. Which forms do you focus on?"