No Candle in the Dark

[Liliane]

"Uh, no..." she said, trying to understand what the man could be thinking about at the moment. "That's why I've been trying not to be in my home for so much, but... it's my home, after all, so I can't avoid going back there forever."

The four walls of her home were depressing -- even though she lived in a huge ecumenoplis, she practically never went outside. Therefore she had to be in the silence of her little flat, trying not to go mad or not to turn psychotic. That's what living in One Sith space did to a person. But she lived there for a reason. And if such a location meant she would get to see her grandfather more, of course she wouldn't find a new place to live.

Yet.

"I've been trying to live anywhere I can -- in the New Jedi Order Temple, in my ship, in random motels... So that I wouldn't be in the depressing home all the time."

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

“Alright. I was just thinking if you were staying in the Temple there would be more people around if you needed,” he explained. “One of the rooms down the end of my corridor just got vacated. I’m not leaving Sullust for another month or so, and at least I might have been around if you felt that way again. Where do you call home at the moment?” he asked.

Jacen felt he was floundering here. Just because he had been through some difficult times himself, he didn’t exactly mark him as being capable of helping someone else through it. Or did it? He wondered. Often support groups were made up of people who had suffered in a similar way. His own failures that had sent him spiralling weren’t directly analogous to what Lilin was going through, but at least he could relate to some of what she would be feeling. In those times just having someone interested in what you were going through could make all the difference.

With a smile he picked up the chocolate biscuit from the saucer beside his caf. “You sure you don’t want something to eat?” he added, smiling again.

 

[Liliane]

"That sounds really nice, to be honest," Lilin replied before taking a sip of her own drink. "I would love to stay here for a while, at least until things get better."

She didn't know if staying in the place for more than a night was truly something she would like to do -- after all, a lot of her daily life was about distracting the Sith, doing job for her employer, fighting against crime and everything. She didn't know if calling the Temple her home would be a viable option. Not that she wouldn't have liked the proposal, though.

"I can't tell you exactly where I live... But it's in a really bad neighbourhood. In Sith space."

Of course she would have preferred if nobody knew about where she actually lived, but now that she was open and honest about everything, there didn't seem to be a considerable reason for her to keep the knowledge of her home's location to herself.

"No, I'm fine. I have been eating so much lately..." Food was one of the things which made her feel slightly better inside, even though it was not a permanent cure.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

“Fair enough. Look everyone needs time away from the pointy end. We cycle troops for that very reason. To go forwards as a unit, they come back and do individual training, then we reassemble them into their units and prepare them. Then they go back out to the front lines. It’s the same thing with the Jedi. Take a month off, help me with the Academy for a while. If Kriff hits the fan they can recall you at a short notice,” Jacen said. He hoped she’d agree. In her current state if she didn’t he would have to consider having her taken off activity duty. In this state a Sith would smell her vulnerability from miles away. They’d end up losing her and he wasn’t about to allow that.

“My routine is fairly simple. Physical training first thing, sparring early morning, individual training lessons with the padawans through to lunch. Generally the afternoon is reviewing casework, some meditation and some more lessons with the academy,” he said. He deliberately missed out the hour each day he tended to spend in the gardens either working with the flora or buzzing around [member="Adele Adonai"] with questions and small talk.

 

[Liliane]

That thought made Lilin sigh heavily.

Maybe it would have been better for her own health to take some time off of everything and focus on Academy work. But she knew it was not her -- it was not the real Lilin who would do exactly the same things every day. Some preferred a life like that, but she didn't like routine. Being active and trying out new things daily was more to her liking.

She didn't know how to answer. It was something to think about.

"I... will have to take some time to think about it."

Taking another sip of her drink, she tried to clear her mind. She was not a teacher, not an instructor, not a person who would work in the Academy. Or maybe there was something for her to do besides all of that?

Maybe there was some routine which she would have loved to have? The Academy offered many ways of employment, so there had to be something to her liking.

"Actually... I am not a Consular. But what if I could work in the library for a while?" That idea truly came out of nowhere. Just like she had said, she was not a person who would spend time studying the Force or anything, but she felt like she had to do that. For some reason. "Of course I would help you with the classes and everything as well, but..."

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

Jacen raised his eyebrows at the question. It certainly wasn't one he had expected. "I'm sure that could be arranged. I hope you don't mind lost padawans mind. I swear some of them would get lost in their own bedroom cupboards, let alone the library!" he said. "I'll have a chat later today and you can come down and talk to the incumbent tomorrow perhaps. I'm sure they'll enjoy having you along for some of the lightsaber classes. Actually just having the chance to do some one on one sparring with someone who can recognise small flaws in form is always useful. Also they like talking to people with some genuine field experience. Just don't make it all seem too romantic," he added with a smile.

"Did you just come over here on a shuttle recently then?" he asked.

 

[Liliane]

Hmm, indeed.

She could provide people with real experiences of what fighting and war actually was like. She'd been to only one major conflict, but she'd had countless adventures and incidents on herself, alone. And she had fought many Sith, resulting in her being known by a few of them, meaning she was even more of a target than she would have been otherwise.

If she could give the students all of that knowledge, perhaps they would grow into better Jedi than she was?

"Yeah, I came here recently."

But her thoughts stayed on another matter. Is that what experienced, powerful Masters felt inside? The feeling like you had been in so many conflicts that you couldn't even count them... the feeling that you know everything about war?

That sounded like a wicked cool thing to her at that moment.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

"Alright then, why don't you grab your gear and go and claim a room in the Temple. Dome C, third level is my corridor. Speak to Padawan Thane who organises the rooms. I'll go and speak to the librarian and if you feel like it you can meet me for morning sparring and then we can go to the library. How does that sound?" he asked.

 

[Liliane]

"That sounds amazing," Lilin said, smiling to the man. The simple motion managed to surprise even Lilin herself -- it was her first real genuine smile after such a long depression. It was not forced, she didn't even think about it happening. But it did happen.

She left the little garden café, saying, "See you soon!" She could feel great relief inside, as well as odd tranquility she had never felt before. It was something that was hard to put into words as it was not a simple emotion like happiness or sadness. If in most cases, she could tell where the emotion lied in her body, this time it seemed to be everywhere.

If there even was a word for that feeling, she had never heard it.

She was headed to Dome C, the third level. She had no clue who the Padawan Thane was and where they could be found, but she guessed they can't be too difficult to find.

And then she would start the time away from adventures. How she would survive that, she had no idea.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

Jacen stood before the door of the room Lilin had apparently occupied the night before. He stood there for a moment as he tried to work out how to balance the heavy box of training sabers on one knee to free up an arm to knock on the door. He had no idea what her current sleeping pattern was like, particularly if she had just arrived on Sullust. It was early morning and some of the padawans would soon be gathering in the third lower done deep underground for a training session. They were some of the more seasoned padawans, generally late teens, capable of sparring with only minor supervision. The kind who would benefit most from some additional hands-on experience around the sparring chamber floor.

 

[Liliane]

Lilin was actually awake. Her sleeping schedule was a little bit messed up, so she woke up countless times during the night, barely getting any sleep. But as soon as the light of day started to shine, she felt fresh and energetic -- something she hadn't felt like for a long time. Maybe it was the first step towards recovery. Maybe staying on the safe land of the New Jedi Order really was what she needed to get over her depression?

She heard a knock on the door, assuming it was Jacen who'd come to invite her to the training. Or wherever he would need her. She didn't hurry to the door, though, as she would try not to seem too enthusiastic.

After having made it to the door, she took a deep breath and opened it.

"Hi!"

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

“Good morning,” Jacen replied jovially. His eyes swept across her features, subconsciously looking for any signs of distress. He knew all too well from experience that when you were under it was easy to swing between moods. Just because she had seemed more content in herself the previous evening, it didn’t necessarily follow that she would be the same today.

“We’re heading underground to one of the bunkers we use as a sparring hall. Thick duracrete walls are quite useful when letting a group of tweenagers swing real lightsabers around,” he added with a hint of a smile. “What to head down now and set up, or have you even had breakfast yet?”

 

[Liliane]

"I don't want to eat right now," Lilin said. She was not much of a person who would eat right after waking up. She wanted to take some time and completely wake up before diving into any food. "After the training, however, sure."

She tried to smile, and even though it was still a rather pathetic smile, she did feel like she was getting a little bit happier and her lips definitely echoed that feeling. That morning sure seemed better than the night before, but the whole day was ahead -- she couldn't make such guesses so early in the morning.

The young Jedi Master felt the inspecting eyes of the man on her, but she just couldn't feel disturbed about it. After all, he seemed to try his best to make the girl enjoy life once again, just like in the olden days.

"Shall we go?"

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

"Sure," Jacen replied as he turned on his heel. He adjusted his grip on the box of training sabers. "That's me by the way," he said as he nodded towards the room at the end of the corridor. "If you need me for anything, don't be afraid to knock."

Many of the masters occupied quarters alongside the novices in the Order. Whilst few stuck rigidly to the old code, many still lived in relatively spartan quarters.

At the end of the corridor was a lift. It had been hard to wrap his head around the underground structures of Sullust when he'd first arrived, but now he had a fairly good mental map of the place. Thinking in three dimensions didn't always come naturally.

"Right down in the lowest chambers, the bunkers designed to take pretty much any level of orbital bombardment by simple being deep underground. People build weapons to remove their enemies from bunkers, not tunnels a kilometer below ground." Jacen was perhaps rambling now, filling the air with words because it made him feel more comfortable to do so. Honestly he had no idea how Master Adonai had tolerated his presence for as long as she had.

 

[Liliane]

"Well, I have to note this place does seem fortified enough. Unlike some Jedi buildings," Lilin said with a slight sarcastic tone to her voice. In actuality, it didn't really sound as sarcastic as she'd intended -- her mood was just too good for that at the very moment. Yeah, that thought surprised even herself.

She tried to keep track of all the things she saw on her way to the low level chambers, making a mental picture of the way there. She had a weird feeling like she would need to travel that path for a while now, so it was a logical thing to know the very building in which she would live during that time. Asking for instructions every single day didn't sound like a viable option.

One thing she really enjoyed about the morning was that her thoughts hadn't wandered off to suicide. She'd managed to keep her mood up, but she'd also had a lot of distractions for such a short period of time she'd been awake.

The feeling that this day would be amazing didn't seem that much of a hope anymore.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

"Master Voidstalker," came a quiet call as a Padawan in light robes brushed past the pair and hurried ahead.

"Overslept again Tarn?" Jacen called after him. There was no reply. Turning to Lilin he whispered conspiratorially: "That idle bugger is destined for agricorps. Watch his guard work, it's as sloppy as they come."

 

[Liliane]

Lilin let her eyes glide over the boy. She wanted to know how bad the boy really was, and she hoped she would see that really soon. There were many people who weren't just meant to be Jedi Knights and Masters like Lilin and Jacen were -- but never before had she actually seen that from such a perspective.

"I'll look into that matter," Lilin said, a tad bit more serious than before.

What if she herself were as hopeless as this boy was according to the Jedi Master's speech? Would she manage to live? Being an adventurer and a Guardian was a part of her and she couldn't imagine a life like anything else. But she felt like this boy would get to feel such a sad feeling.

Perhaps she was just overthinking everything.

She tried to shake these thoughts off as she looked ahead. She had a feeling like she would see many more and less hopeless people that day. And she would be there to help them, to aid them on their path to finding themselves.

The thought made her smile.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

As they walked Jacen gave them a bit of a low down on the padawans. Roshak the whipid was a talented swordsman, but prone to battering down the other novices with brute strength. Shiia, a rodian with a shy disposition struggled to get into a session, but when she did she had a wicked feint.

When they entered the wide chamber, with bright white walls marred by saber burns, they found the students milling about. As soon as they saw Jacen they all fell into two loose rows and went down cross legged.

"Let's not tarry today," Jacen called. "This is Lilin who will be helping me today. Everyone come and get a training blade from her and then we'll go through basic forms!"

 

[Liliane]

"Hey!" the girl said with a friendly yet serious tone after Jacen had introduced her. She looked at the students -- teaching even a single student was a difficulty for her, but now she was going to assist the Master at training so many of the young hopeful... It must have been difficult for the man.

As people started coming for their training sabers, one by one, she tried to look into the eyes of every single one of these students. She wanted to know who they were, how did they feel when they fought, how they would give their best on the battlefield. Many of them were young and she doubted most of them had ever been to a real battle.

She didn't remember the time when she hadn't been to any fights yet. She had started fighting against the Dark Side when she was rather young, which of course meant she didn't get to enjoy a normalish teenage period.

But would she have wanted to be anything that she was? No, not at all. And that was another thought which made her feel slightly better.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

"Right then," Jacen said as they fell back into two rows. This time they'd spread out much further than before. He could never quite bring the air of mysticism of tradition that some did to sessions with the padawans. Most of the time he was relatively casual, but there was a constant strict undercurrent. They knew well enough to do as they were told, but Jacen tried to treat them differently to his recruits in the military.

"Seventh Shii Cho velocity please. All together. Myself and Lilin will walk around and occasionally take one of you aside for a chat."

This velocity was simple, but known to be physically draining. He was planning on keeping them at it, with a faster pace on each go until some of them dropped. Any who let their form become sloppy would be told to keep it up or face a few laps.