No Candle in the Dark

[Liliane]

As the two walked, Lilin looked around the whole Temple. To be honest, she hadn't even been to this place so much. She was not the best Jedi around. Or maybe she was. She didn't know. Anyway, the point is -- she spent most of the time away on missions to either stop the One Sith or to do simpler jobs or to help the Galactic Republic or things like these.

The conversation with Jacen had managed to take her thoughts away from suicide and sadness.

"Uh, I am the best at Shii-Cho, I can survive with Djem So as well," she said, trying to remember everything. She was not a person who would really use too much of traditional forms at fighting. She mixed them, did whatever she wanted. That's why it was a little bit difficult of a subject for her. "I can't do Soresu, though."

She tried to think why she wasn't that good with this form. Had she never really fought droids in her life? Or the other, more likely reason was that she was just not a very defensive Jedi.

In fact, she was really aggressive in a duel. Nothing like a traditional Jedi.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

"Soresu isn't for everyone," Jacen admitted. "Master Windspeaker once taught me it was more philosophy than technique. It's about thinking seven steps ahead of your opponent and being where they don't want you to be. Obviously I've got a solid grounding in Shii-Cho and I've picked up some Djem So from my master, Na'Varro. Personally I like to get a feel for a fight before I start to dictate the tempo, so I tend to work with strict Soresu before I show what I can do."

Jacen continued to fill the space with words as they walked. It seemed the right thing to do. There was suddenly a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Would you like to see?" he asked, hand lightly brushing his own saber.

 

[Liliane]

Lilin turned her face towards the man.

"Maybe," she said. Her eyes turned to the lightsaber hilt. Had she actually ever seen the man use it? Had she ever seen Jacen fighting anybody? She couldn't remember. Even if they had ever happened to be on a same invasion, she couldn't remember them being anywhere close to each other so that they could see each other fighting.

Huh, fun things.

She thought of the man as a perfect Jedi. One who mainly uses Soresu, remains at a defensive mode unless it's completely necessary to be aggressive... Something every normal Jedi was taught to be like.

But the point was, Lilin was not quite a normal Jedi.

She was more of a rogue, even though she did belong to the New Jedi Order and was also in the old one -- in the Republic's Jedi Order. Or whatever it was nowadays.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

"Truth be told," Jacen said, before his voice became a conspiratorial whisper. "I'm actually still much better with a blaster. Over a decade of soldiering and shooting people from a distance. Whilst I trained as a child, I've still only been back in the saddle a couple of years, so to speak. Took me a good long time to try and find my centre when I returned. I told you last time we were at Ilum how I was removed from the Order. That hung over me for a long, long time. If there's anything that'll break your concentration to the light side, it appears to be frustration

"When you feel up to it, we'll do a bit of sparring down in the duelling halls," he suggested. "It would be good for me to get a feel for your style before I have you help out in some classes actually."

Jacen fell silent as they walked through some willow trees with lime green leaves. They weren't far from the baffor plantation now. The silence didn't feel too uncomfortable, so he allowed it linger, curious to see how she would break it.

 

[Liliane]

"Yeah, seems like a logical thing to do," the girl replied to the statement about having a little sparring session, her voice lacking much of an enjoyment or enthusiasm.

But that's the way how things were and she was pretty sure Jacen himself knew how all of that felt like.

The outside was beautiful and calming. She felt so much easier over there, maybe because of the way fresh air made thinking a lot more effortless. That's also why she spent most of the time outdoors rather than being in her own home. The apartment on a One Sith world was the most depressing place she could have been.

"I love the sound of silence."

She was sure the comment could be understood in many ways, so she clarified, "When there is no noise, only nature doing its things. Birds, animals, wind..."

She felt more open than she'd been before.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

"This is probably going to sound a bit odd, but I've always liked the silence you get on a ship in deep space. I dunno it's kind of a gentle background noise. A colonel once told me it was because a thrumming hyperdrive is essentially white noise, which tends to help you sleep. Maybe it's that, maybe I just got used to spending so much time in the barracks on troop transport cruisers,” he said with a shrug. The odd thing about the biome was the lack of a breeze. The air was unnaturally still away from the ventilation shafts.

“Has anyone spent much time working with you on meditative technique to help focus?”

 

[Liliane]

Lilin listened carefully. She hadn't even thought of that -- the silence of flying a ship was something she always passed over. She used the time in space to do other stuff. But she had never listened to it, had never thought of it as something peaceful and... calm.

"Logical," she muttered.

She looked over the whole biome. It was an odd thing what they had managed to do here. It felt so real, so... natural. Yet she knew it wasn't quite normal and natural. The lack of wind was the clearest indication of that. She loved breeze, she loved a little bit of air. It kept her feeling fresh, made her feel so easy.

"Uh, I have learned most of the stuff on my own, so I haven't spent a lot on meditation."

She turned to the man.

"Well, I've worked on it, but it just doesn't seem to work out for me."

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

Jacen gently nodded his head as they continued to meander through the gardens. "It is hard to do when you're feeling troubled. Getting the mind to quiesce is a good way to immerse yourself in the Force.

"I'm sure there are plenty of people who could lead you through some guided meditation. I'd be happy to, though not my strongest suite."

He could sense the turbulence that lingered under the surface, but it did seem that just admitting what she was going through had calmed the waters a little.

 

[Liliane]

"But what if meditation really isn't for me?" Lilin worried. "I know meditation is supposed to help everybody and everything, but..."

She sighed.

"... What if I will never be good at meditation?"

She had thought of that a lot lately. Even though she enjoyed silence and everything that came along with it, every time she meditated, the silence turned into the most annoying thing in the world. It was like pure torture to her when she was supposed to remain silent and only focus on her own thoughts and connection to the Force. It destroyed her inside every time she did that.

"Is it because of the darkness?"

She was so curious all of a sudden, so talkative. And indeed, she felt better. Because she had told somebody the story about her mental state.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

"Perhaps. I know plenty of good Jedi who don't meditate much," Jacen admitted with a shrug. It wasn't difficult to read the man by his body language. His shoulders, hands and face all tended to be relatively expressive as he spoke.

"It's not the darkness Lilin. Well I don't think so anyway. I reckon it'll simply be the way you're feeling at the moment. I bet you don't relish the prospect of being alone with your own thoughts too much?"

 

[Liliane]

"Yeah," the girl nodded. "For a while now, even before..."

She looked away into the 'nature'. What was odd was the fact that during her time away, she had never actually been to a planet which had beautiful nature and amazing landscape. Most of the places had been practically wastelands.

Maybe that fact made her state even worse.

"Thoughts are weird," she said without thinking about what she was just going to say.

She sighed.

"Do you believe in the Living Force?" That question truly came out of nowhere.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]
“Oh, I'm not brilliant on philosophy. To an extent I think everyone perceives the Force in a different way. Perhaps no view is right and it reflects the individual,” Jacen mused as they walked.

“I once asked Master Windspeaker about this. I asked if a Sith lets the Force guide his actions, does the dark side give him guidance that makes his actions even more abhorrent or does he just twist the Force to his will? He told me that when he had been a Sith Lord the Force's guidance was always centred on his own priorities.

“When I used the Dark Side - albeit briefly before Master Talith tacked me - I felt I was doing the right thing. I was trying to stop the Final Order experimenting on civilians, but I started to go about it the wrong way. The Dark Side certainly feels different to me. But I do think if you really want to help people that won't change if you use the Dark Side. But perhaps you would become a tyrant who saw her brutality as a means to keep order and peace. It does corrupt, it can twist your world view, but it won't change who you are suddenly. If you ever wonder if you're being influenced or are unsure about a decision you can always talk to me about it,” Jacen said.

“You know I quite like the view of the volcanic activity from the south galleries if you want to head that way?” he asked. At the very edge of the biome were several small cafes which afforded a good view of the distant flats beneath the mountain ranges where magma often steamed out from the ground.

 

[Liliane]

"So you don't believe in it?" the girl had to ask. She herself had started to feel like the philosophy which so many Jedi believed in could be the way the Force really worked. Before that moment, she'd thought it was a nice view of the Force, but she herself didn't believe in it.

Yet now... she felt like the Force could be absolutely everywhere, in every living being, that the nature around was just ripples of the Force.

She had heard that talk from another man in her life. Her own father had told her that no matter whether she was on the Light or the Dark side, if she herself was a good person, she would be a good person. She hadn't believed her father, yet now that a Master, a person she trusted, told her that, she thought maybe it was the way the Dark Side really was.

"Yeah, we could go there."

Her mood was a lot brighter, her depression suddenly turning into a more secondary thing in her life. Because she felt something deeper and more powerful around her, something more important than the Dark Side or her own mental state.

Was it the Force? Perhaps.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

"Pfff," Jacen blew out through his lips making it clear he was struggling with the question. There was a balance to be struck here on what he presented as fact and opinion and he had to consider how it might affect the troubled young Knight. Yet he could also feel those ripples of anguish that spread out from her start to recede. In its place her felt her presence more clearly. That made sense. As she cleared her mind of dark thoughts she would find it easier to immerse herself in the Force.

"I believe the Dark Side corrupts. I believe using your emotions to fuel your abilities is a dangerous game. Drawing on emotions at the very moment you need a clear head comes with intrinsic risks. A Jedi needs control at all times. Unifying Force or Living Force...I just don't know Lilin," he said, smiling as he shook his head slowly.

It wasn't far to go and they found one of the small garden cafes near the edge of the glass dome. "So what do you think? Oh and what would you like?" he asked as he fished some credit chits from a pocket.

 

[Liliane]

"I don't know what to think," Lilin noted as she eyed the little café. "I didn't believe in the Living Force before, nor did I think anything about the Unifying Force. But now... I think maybe it is like that... Maybe everything around us is the Force. Maybe everybody and everything is a part of it."

She sighed. "I don't know."

"Just something to drink would do," she said as they made it to the café.

Lilin understood many -- if not most -- Force philosophies. However, in practical life, she didn't use them at all. She either didn't believe in them or didn't think they could help her in any way. For her whole life, she had been told that she herself is in control of her, that if she is a good person, she will be a good person, no matte what.

But as she started actually working towards destroying the Dark, first in the Covenant and then in the New Jedi Order, her mindset was turned upside down and everything started to tell her that the Force controls everybody.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

“It is an interesting discussion that I believe I am wholly unequipped for,” Jacen said as he bought two drinks and headed for a small table. “When I wield a lightsabre the Force guides my hand. Yet what is the chain of events that gives me that guidance? When I make a decision what I see before me, what I want to achieve, all my experience of a similar situation come together before I act. What does The Force do to bring me that guidance? Is it just my will and the ability to see the future through the Force? When I nearly strangled a Stormtrooper to death with the Force was that the Dark Side seizing my own will to hurt them for the atrocities they’d committed?

“Eugh. Hurts my head trying to think about it,” he complained. “I’m afraid I’m a simple man, not well suited to complex discussions of philosophy. “I suppose I would say try not to let emotions cloud your decisions and if you feel you’re being influenced talk to someone,” he offered.

 

[Liliane]

Lilin was not a philosophic person either. That's why she had not focused on them for the most of her life. However, as a Jedi, she felt like people were trying to make everybody professional and talented philosophists. Maybe not in the New Jedi Order, but in the original one, definitely.

"Yeah, alright, let's not focus on that right now," the girl agreed. The points the man had brought up seemed like something to give her a lot to think of, but that was not the time for that. Especially in her current condition.

She remembered the easy times when she still lived with her father. She didn't have to train her skills in the Force, didn't have to study any philosophies or powers. Everything was so simple. And even though she drained everybody's energy -- just like she still did when she was with them for long enough -- she was happy and enjoyed the way things were.

Was it becoming a Jedi that made her feel so bad?

Maybe. She couldn't tell. The Force wouldn't have guided her to become a Jedi if it were a bad thing, she thought.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

“Ah don’t mind me,” Jacen said with a casual wave of his hand. “We can talk about anything you want. There is one thing I want to ask first though,” he said. His voice trailed off to a whisper and his lips contorted into an unsettled expression. He paused for a moment, bracing himself for the weight of his next question. He took a sip from a steaming mug of caf. He set it back down on the table and twisted the hand to put it at a particular angle.

Jacen leant forwards across the table. “When did you last think of hurting yourself?” he asked. “I just want to know you’re safe right now,” he quickly added in a kind, soft tone. Whilst she had been fairly open about everything before, and she did seem to be stable and more content right now, knowing she was safe had to be his prime concern.

 

[Liliane]

Well, that most certainly came as a surprise. She could have never imagined the man to ask anything like that. And even though she didn't want to answer honestly, she did know that Jacen would most likely understand if she was lying. And keeping these things in secret was definitely not the best idea.

She took a deep breath before answering.

"A few days ago. I was in my home -- in my real apartment, I mean."

She remembered that night rather well. Thinking about that didn't maker feel that disastrous, though. She'd come to accept the fact that it happened and she couldn't go back in time to fix that.

"I'm safe right now, though."

And that was the truth. After having talked everything through, she didn't feel so suicidal anymore. "Thank you!" she whispered even more quietly than before.

[ [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] ]

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Lilin Imperieuse"]

“It’s ok,” he responded, matching her pitch. Jacen leant back in his chair, hands wrapped around his mug. He stared at the caf intently as he considered what to say next. Just a few days ago, he thought to himself. It would be easy for her to be on the upswing now and for it to all come crashing down within hours or days.

“Are you living with anyone at the moment?” he asked after a few seconds of silence.