Josh looked over at Syn and sighed.
"Is there time between this and the next session? He asked. "I don't see the alleged traitor or her accuser. If I may, I'd like to take a small stroll to clear my head. I'll be back when they arrive" Josh said to his fellow Councilman @[member="Syn"].
Even Syn could sense that Matsu's trial had been hard on her former Padawan... And the thought of a death sentence, something that should be outlawed by Jedi standards toward members of their own Order, made him that much more conflicted.
Josh walked out with his head held high. It would lower morale if a Council member were to walk as if depressed or shamed. He had to show strength, confidence and dedication... In a dangerous time for the Jedi, that was the best contribution he could make to the Order...
Once he was out of sight of the courtroom, Josh walked to the veranda, propping his elbows on the railing and burying his chin in his hands. He sighed, looking out at the sights of Coruscant...
How willing Syn and the other Master, Aleidis's Master of all people... To put Matsu, a Jedi Master of many years, to death just like that... It shocked him. It appalled him... How could a Jedi think like that? The mantra always was that in their minds, anyone could be saved... Yet just like that, they wanted to execute Matsu, and not just that, execute her in front of her own Padawan... Knowing she had two children in the Order who would be orphaned, alone and lost if they did it.
He was conflicted... He was bound to the Jedi for life, of his own choice. His loyalties were, and would always be with the Jedi Order... But ever since Ben Watts had declared war on the Sith, had them attack Metalorn... And then the cease fire happened and Watts disappeared, things had been strange in the Republic, and in the Jedi Order...
His thoughts went back to his duel with Sith Master Darth Vazela... Something had awakened in DragonsFlame during that duel... He had spent years... Holding back on his powers. Holding back in fights. Not wanting to use the full extent of his abilities, his potential... Anywhere. He was scared. Even as an adult, he feared it... He feared turning into Pinewrap Icaf. Becoming so powerful, so dominating... That not even the Order or the Sith could stop you... That you would run out of control, use both sides for your own ends, become absorbed in your own power and hurt people... Innocent people... And there wouldn't be a way for you to stop it...
But during that duel with Vazela... Something had clicked and it had caused him to start throwing his full power at the Master. If he could balance it, if he had people there to keep him from going off the deep end... To catch him if he fell... He could keep going... Because the Jedi needed as much as they could get in a dangerous time like this... Otherwise the Republic and the Jedi would fall...
And that is where his fears went away...
He sighed. He wished things hadn't become so tense around here... Everything was crumbling apart around him... Even Syn, a man he had trusted, seen like a brother and a friend... Had became a dictator just for that second, a show of selfishness and corruption... Was it because he was a shadow? Or was something else in the works?
His mind then wandered back to Matsu... The fact he had to look her in the eyes and tell her that if she failed the redemption, she would be on a death sentence trial... To do that to his own Master, the mother of his own Padawans... It tore him apart inside. He knew it was what was apparently best... But was it? She had slaughtered many in the battle of Metalorn, yes... But why not work harder to redeem her? To show her the error of her ways? She was much better off with them alive, then dead in the ground, leaving her children orphaned and alone... Inside, Josh wanted to speak to @[member="Matsu Ike"]... For the first time, he wanted to hug his Master and tell her that he was sorry... And try to reassure her that everything would be alright... But he didn't know if he could...
So much had happened since Metalorn, again... Ben had disappeared, Syn had taken over temporarily in his place, and already he was demonstrating his power, even if Josh had managed to stop him... But not completely. If Matsu "failed" the redemption, and Syn and the Council decreed that she be put to death... All Josh had done was prolong it... There would be nothing he would be able to do, and he would have to sit and watch his own Master die...
Then there was the rogue Order, formed after Matsu's crimes, and Aleidis, still considered a Jedi by the rogues, became the Supreme Chancellor... Josh remembered being there every step of the way for Ijet, supporting her, being that shoulder to cry on, the motivator in her darkest of times.. And then she won. He remembered how happy she was, the joyful look in her eyes as he had congratulated her...
Was it the wrong decision? It had brought such a backlash that the Rogue Order had been formed... Jaxton Ravos, a man who Josh once respected and saw as a friend.. The man had brought Josh to the crystal caves when he was alone, when Caleb Torran had disappeared and abandoned him... And now Jaxton had abandoned him and the rest of the Jedi Order, taking many with him...
The entire situation was driving him crazy.. And this thing with Matsu only added to it... Secretly, he yearned for comfort, for someone to talk to, someone to be there...
He wished Saoirse was in Coruscant today... He yearned for her embrace, her understanding, knowing that no matter what happened, she would never leave him. But she was out somewhere, who knows...... Or even for Aleidis's comfort, but the Supreme Chancellor was here, today... And busy signing the treaty. He couldn't bug the Ghostling now...
That only left @[member="Asha Seren"]... And Josh's heart sank as he remembered her leaving the Order... She was probably his closest friend, someone who unintentionally he had formed a Force Bond with after everything... And now she was gone. Gone, god knows where, somewhere in the Galaxy... Her leaving had left him devastated, heartbroken and betrayed... And he felt those emotions even now. And somewhere in the galaxy, Asha herself could feel right now his depression and torment...
He was alone.