6th post
OBJECTIVE 1: REVELRY IN THE QUIET
THE_WOAD
Tags:
Julian Qar
Annor E-059
APPOINTMENTS WITH THE WOAD: TO IMPROVE ON GREATNESS - PART 8
The Great Imperial Library, Outer Fort District,
Ravelin, Bastion (Summer of 874 ABY)
'What - the fuck - am I even doing, Julian?!'
Whether an answer was wanted or not, the question had been posed and left out in the open for Julian to decipher and answer as according to what seemed pertinent to respond with at the time, and though Lord Erskine was never the sharing, therapeutic venting type, it was obvious that this was something Barran had been internalising with the utmost prejudice, clearly repressing what he'd been asking himself for quite some time before that day. Never before had the Stormchaser questioned himself openly, and by the epithet's very definition, it went against everything his very aura represented, going against the very fabric of what people knew was definitively the Lord-General they knew, feared or respected well, but the pressure had eventually proven too much. After all he had been through, all he'd survived in order to make it that far as a wartime General who led from the frontlines, would have brought many a lesser exemplary to their knees in bloodied resignation; and in all fairness, would have brought many to their knees long before then, staying down in moments when the Lord-General stood back up again.
Nothing could've held it back by then, not even an instantaneous change of circumstances, for better or for worse, would've made any difference in the slightest; too much had been seen, too much had been done since the Woad was first exiled decades before that day, too much had been inflicted upon old Barran to really have it all together in the end.
'Yer doin' the bes' you can with what you have….'
Once upon a time I might've been, but now? I'm really not so sure about-
Both with thoughts, one kept firmly in mind, one on the verge of slipping, both unwilling to continue with the outright-unhealthy trains of thought, though both for entirely different reasons. However, ceasing in what wasn't right in the minds of the veterans in the reading-room that day, in all their reasoning to trail off, would give rise to something they appreciated more than what had been thought and verbalised in those moments, something altogether more real than the broken hazes they had been wandering around in until the moment they dropped their guards - for the first time in over ten years.
'I…fuck what I said before…I uh..I ask myself the same fucken question Erskine..what the fuck am I doin' anymore? Feels like our lives are in this endless loop of madness…an we're jus chasin' after that one moment that's goin' to change it all…write a new..hopeful chapter in this shit story we've found ourselves in….but it ain't happen yet…so when?'
Letting that hang in the air, and not even remotely looking close to requiring input on the matter, rhetorical for the sake of what else he was thinking on, Julian would enjoy smoking for a while. It wasn't easy for men like Dr. Qar to reveal so much about his mind's darkest avenues of thought, and even more difficult to consider what it was doing to him, but talking it out with an old friend was enough that venting aided in unburdening his mind of the worst of it, no matter how much difficulty Julian was having in doing so at the time. And yet, the biggest surprise in all of it was Lord Erskine's head-bowed understanding of Julian's honesty in his moment of weakness, a weakness that Barran usually detested seeing in others as much as himself, but the Lord-General himself was trapped in something of a moment of weakness, seeing a man broken by the same wars that had broken him in turn.
'Whatever you do, just keep it together - I need you alive, my young friend. Someone needs to survive this mess, even if I can't - especially if I can't.'
That same aeons-old urge of the elderly, the need for the normality of the Galaxy's death cycles was present for Dr. Qar to see plainly, the will to depart from life in a way that was meaningful, perhaps enough that the old died before the young again - at least for a while.
Erskine would then calmly look down at Misha, lying with absolute comfort with head in his lap offering her own kind of simplistic emotional support, bringing a smirk out through the tears as the Woad kindly gave the doting tigress a little scratch behind her ear, then letting her playfully chew on his cybernetic arm a little as his gaze returned to Julian. Considering his honesties with eyes closed, every part as affected by the years they'd endured, perhaps even more so in consideration of all the good doctor had gone through getting to the point of joining the Third Imperial Civil War, Julian would weigh his words with huffed breath as Erskine remained silent for his sake. Then, opening his eyes, with a little wipe at his own face, Dr. Qar finally responded,
'Thas all I've been doin…keeping it together and boy what a shit job I've done thus far…', putting a small unseen device into one of his tac-pouches, as he briefly paused again to make a last consideration for the honesty, and what it may have implied for his role in the war going forward.
'Erskine…feels like I left a long time ago. Right now… m'just breathing, walking around in a body that feels like the corpse of who I used to be…I ain't the same man anymore…frankly...I dunno who that is.'
Awash in the same abyss, pacing with fleeting, floating lightness in what felt like the same sorts of different dimensions at times, yet the Stormchaser could only understand what his friend had been through to a certain point, having known the joys and freedoms of life, and known the untethered autonomy of mercenary life for so much longer. However, despite all the highs and lows the old Woad had known before that moment, Barran could still easily see the cybernetic story written on the good doctor, visibly told from head to toe in a glowing, multi-faceted, augmented form of all the replacements, repairs, blemishes the array had weathered in Grey's journey as an Imperial. Though Erskine had no will or desire to think very much on the matter, there was still a small part of him that remembered what parts had been replaced in the months after Irveric Tavlar's assassination, remembering fine and well what they both experienced that day.
But once again, the Lord-General knew the damages to his own person had been far less costly to recover from, defined both in financial and in fiscal recoveries alike. But in this, the Lord-General also knew what it would've taken, what one might have went through in order to necessitate cybernetics to begin with, looking to his own cybernetic left arm with a newfound sense of anguish in the process. Lord-General Barran would then find himself sharing in Dr. Qar's pain as the latter admitted,
'Feels like...feels like I…lost everything,', tearing once more at the Stormchaser's soul, knowing exactly how many meanings were interwoven with that phrase if it was being spoken by his friend directly. Not easy to say or hear for either men involved, not by any means, but the comfort of a good, stalwart friend was proving to be a boon of sorts for them by then.
'I have heard what others say… 'oh sad Julian, fucked up his life, betrayed his people…is a coward'. And yet…I just keep putting on this fucking uniform to throw it all on the frontlines without a word…because…I..feel so much guilt…. I let down the Empire…I…couldn't save Tavlar…I let down Carlac…and I let down the only person I have ever loved…because I couldn't…ruin her life…like I had ruined my own…'
Is it jus' me who sees it? My brother in arms has been slighted, an' repeatedly.
An' I've been blind to every last segment of it.... No more. Not this time.
The rage the Lord-General was feeling to all who dared bring his comrade, his cyberneticist, his soon-to-be psychiatrist, his friend to lose so much of himself in such a way - it felt warranted. It felt necessary, but in seeing his friend finally breaking down in front of the very man who'd broken down before him just moments before, the rage gave way to yet another wave of heartache, seeing the same one who killed scores with just a scalpel on Csilla, the same one who fought like a madman against Darth Malus in the Third Battle of Ziost, reduced by then to a teary-eyed shell of the numerous evolutions Erskine had seen for himself in the ten years they'd be fighting together. None of what he was seeing or hearing felt right to the Woad, but it still helped him understand his friend a little better, and yet, in all that he was processing of the good doctor's words, seeing him like that was still weighing heavily on Barran's soul.
'So you ask me…what are you doin? Erskine …I don't know…because I don't know what I'm doin' anymore either…I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore….I'm jus...jus gunna keep doin' it till I ain't got nothin left...'
Letting it all in, the pain, the sorrow, the grief and the trauma, this revelation alone silenced them, with both men thinking on these words with all due consideration; but the Lord-General, and his will to fight off his own self-disdain, was being brought low merely by seeing what going the next step would do to men like the good doctor. Given even more reason to believe he was dragging good people, heroes even, down to the fiery depths of Hell with him. Old men were always expected to have moved on beyond their glory-hunting days, but there the Stormchaser was, at it again - at the cost of all who once held Erskine, and his name dear to their hearts.
Wiping away more of his own tears, Barran looked with absolute sincerity to Qar and responded, almost sighing,
'Julian.... It genuinely doesn't need to end this way for you, Br'er.', trailing off to pick up and light his cigar again. As he let plumes of smoke envelop the space between them, dissipating as the warm breeze blew the cloud apart into wisps, Lord Erskine would see the good doctor leaning back in his seat and following suit, taking a moment for something of a breather as the Lord-General thought on how best to continue. In the moments following the next exhalation, the Woad could feel it crushing him to consider the alternative as he near-growled,
'As much as I hate intruding an' aw the rest of it, I just can't bring myself to allow such a fate to befall you. I've invested myself a little too much for that, so I'll be allowing no - more of this.... It's just that- ah, fuck!', grimacing as his vision blurred once more.
'If we continue down this path, the kind of men we become, beyond this point.... We'd hate them if we met them now. In fact, I might even go so far as to say we'd outright fear the very thought of becoming them. But if that's what it takes to kill our despair, our self-hatred and all the rest of it - then so be it. Demons we shall become, shadows who dwell not on their torturous pasts. But-'
To actually go all the way and steel his heart well and truly to all that was meek and reserved about his views, personal traits and general beliefs on self-conduct; or even worse as according to his own standards, a self-actualised tyrant of the worst order, a remorseless brute until his dying breath - Erskine found himself shuddering with complete disgust at the concept. That wasn't the path he wanted, but in this regard, much like the very metaphoric and real storms he chased, this decision would rest beyond the Woad's control.
'-The harder, more daunting way. The max-difficulty path, if I might be honest; suits us more, like waaaay more. An' if this path is chosen, we go in with hearts on our sleeves if need be, as these are the men we can't escape in the end.... These are the new starting-points we can venture out from. That good ol' square-one caper, if you will.'