Sea Glass (Complete)

[Kuzo]

"Meditating."

She repeated the word largely without inflection, but the incredulity on her face couldn't be missed.

Somehow she doubted that it was that simple. Someone didn't just close their eyes and mutter om a couple times and then vanish. She was certain there was so much more to that answer. She just didn't know where to start.

"It was fine, thank you," she said, retreating behind a touch of formality that didn't come particularly naturally to her.

"By the way. That thing? Starting with your eyes and smile? Is that on *purpose*? Cause it's super unnerving, and if that was the point then bravo but if not then-"

She stopped, reaching up to rub the bridge of her nose. Sigh. When she was uncomfortable she talked too much. In fairness, she did the same thing when she was comfortable as well. Sometimes, she just talked too much.

[member="Carach"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Irajah Ven"]

Carach looked on with amusement as she flustered.

This was Irajah somewhat in her element - when she got worried or flustered or uncomfortable... she started talking. He understood the issue, her and physicality didn't mesh well together these days. Not after what had happened and especially not after what was done to her afterwards. In a lot of ways intimacy was a token of trust. You gave something away of yours, but once that trust was shattered... it was difficult to get back to yourself.

"I will do my best not to put you in that situation again." The Sith Lord responded politely - it wasn't clear if he was talking about the grin or the touching.

But presumably it was the latter thing.

"Sit with me?"

Their 'appointment' would not start for another twenty minutes. As far as Carach was concerned they could simply talk and relax for a moment.

 

[Kuzo]

"I.... appreciate that."

She eyed him for a moment. That surprised her a bit. Not a lot. But a bit. Just enough to set her a little wary again.

It didn't take much these days.

Ultimately however, she trusted him enough to nod and perch on the lounge next to his. In truth, his behavior had been impeccable and he'd been very careful of her personal space. After all, he'd seen everything that had happened- he knew better than anyone how that physicality had been used against her. The fact that he respected the space she laid between them and never pushed it, even for a moment, was a huge part of why she could even be here at all.

"This is my favorite room in your facility," she said quietly after a few moments of silence.

She had slept here, on more than one occasion (something she assumed had gone unnoted). There was something comforting about the sight of the sea through the glass, the sound of the rain above her. It was at the same time open and free, but also a comforting weight of something so far beyond human that it didn't induce panic.

"Last night was the first time since I got here that I could see the stars....."

She hoped the storm clouds on the horizon stayed off long enough to glimpse them again tonight.

[member="Carach"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Irajah Ven"]

A nod was all the acknowledgement received for her thanks.

Once she settled down next to him Carach closed his eyes again.

His form went from rigid tense attention back to relaxed composure. It wasn't meditation, because he wouldn't have been able to focus on a conversation if it was, but it was serenity that did not seem to jibe with how most Sith operated. Calm, peace, the releasing of control and the expulsion of emotions never seemed high on their priority and usually were anathema to the entire philosophy.

But Carach had been a Sith for a long time now.

He knew what worked and what did not in the long term of things.

"It is a good place." The Lord agreed. He leaned back into the material of the lounge, letting himself be relaxed for a moment at least. "Have you put some thought into what you would like to learn?"

Of course, Carach had his own idea of what she should do, especially considering her tiny frame and unimpressive physical strength.

 

[Kuzo]

She didn't answer him right away. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she wrapped her arms around her legs. Resting her chin on her knees, she frowned thoughtfully.

What did she already know? The technique her father taught her. The sensation of imminent physical danger through the Force. She had done things out of self preservation- out of anger- that barely seemed possible. Her mind flickered to the building on Coruscant. To Gap Nine. Each time she'd been so angry she hadn't been able to contain that feeling inside the simple confines of flesh. It had spilled out, not fully under her control. And there had been a price each time.

She'd been too weak to channel it for long.

The list seemed woefully short.

"My body.... limits," she finally said softly. "I know that. Until I find the answer to Gideon, and even then, I'll never be a warrior. I have no illusions on that front. So much of my experience is focused inward, rather than outward. It has to be. The alternative is to pilot a ship into a star and finally quit. That's.... always been the choice. Keep fighting. Or quit."

And die.

Irajah glanced over at him, her jaw set. Her voice was quiet, but hard.

"Quitting isn't really in my nature."

She looked away again.

"What's possible with the Force- what I've seen, what I've felt- seems beyond imagination. I grew up on the world where there weren't Jedi and Sith running around, moving things with their minds and chucking lightening at each other. That was.... just stories. Sure, they were real, but not real real. They didn't signify. Even when my father taught me the tiny bit he did- I never wanted to be a Force User. I didn't play Jedi when I was a child- I didn't imagine what it would be like to manipulate the Force or wield the elements."

Breathing in deeply, she closed her eyes for a moment.

"I still have no desire to be a Jedi or a Sith. But not understanding what I am capable of- by neglecting this.... whatever this is inside of me.... I opened myself up to...."

Her jaw clenched, fingers flexing absently.

"To being manipulated."

It was the first time she'd said that out loud. [member="Carach"] would have some idea of what it cost her. After all, he'd seen it all. She didn't have to say it to communicate with him. It was clear in that moment, if it hadn't been before, that she wasn't answering in this fashion for his benefit.

But for her own.

"I don't know everything that's possible," she continued after a pause. "But I want to be able to read people. I never want to be in a place where I don't know someone's intentions again. Not everyone I ask bluntly about it will be honest, after all. Otherwise.... I need to start by finding out what I'm capable of. What my limits are. And then find out if those can be broken."

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Irajah Ven"]

Gideon.

He caught the tail-end of that during their sessions.

At some point, when two minds were as close as theirs was during those times, things started to blend over. Memories fading in and out, feelings expressed, shared, explored. The inside was turned out, if only briefly and secrets were unraveled. It couldn't really be any other way, not even for Carach and his years of experience.

Too far away and the healing could not commence.

Close enough and you can't hide yourself.

There was a solution to Gideon though. As far as the Sith Lord could determine this issue she was facing was purely physical, which meant that a different body... would not have the same issue.

"I may have a solution for Gideon." Carach finally responded after she was done. There would be a time and place to discuss her training further, but this took precedence because this was literally killing her. Even if it was a slow death that was stalled towards a screeching creek.

"I would only be comfortable with it after you... trained more though."

Even then it would be risky.

 

[Kuzo]

She was silent for too long after he said that, her face turned up to the sky.

Finally, she breathed. Had she been holding her breath that entire time? It seemed possible.

"I have been searching for a solution to Gideon for almost a year now. My research has been.... stalled. For obvious reasons. But it can't be forever. I will have to return to it." The reason was of course, obvious.

Turning her head to look at him very slowly, she did her best to keep her face neutral. Her best wasn't particularly good. Every set back, every disappointment, every dead end was etched on her face, just beneath a translucent mask of carefully collected calmness.

"If it is something I can use in my research, then tell me. If it's a pipe dream however.... I don't know if I want it. At least not until I've exhausted all other reasonable avenues."

She hadn't yet given up hope that she could find a cure. The virus had been manufactured, so surely there must be a way to unravel it. But she was unwilling to place a blind faith in an idea not based on science, something she could see and touch.

Irajah didn't have that kind of faith in the Force or what it could do yet.

She didn't have that kind of faith in anything right now.

[member="Carach"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Irajah Ven"]

A pipe dream she called it.

The power of the Force was limitless and could not even be approached by the simple heresy of technology. But it was difficult to get this one weened off her insistence to approach everything from a scientific point of view. So much more was possible with the Force, yet, how to show someone who had been living her entire life on a planet without true force users?

"I can create a new body for you." The Sith responded after a while - like it was nothing, like it was as easy as breathing for him.

Not that this was the case, of course. The creation of a body would be difficult, especially because they couldn't just clone her regular body. It would risk transferring Gideon over as well into the new body and that wasn't the point of the exercise.

No.

They would need to create one from scratch. In a similar fashion as Ashin Varanin had once done, years... decades ago, when the Galaxy had made more sense and everyone knew what was what.

"Move that what makes you... you into it, clean and away from Gideon." There was now hesitation there, lingering at the edge of his tone. "There will be consequences for such an act though."

 

[Kuzo]

"Wait what?"

The look on her face clearly said something like 'are you even speaking basic?' or 'where did that third head come from so suddenly?'

It strained credulity. Absolutely insane.

Of course, dreaming about Yuuzhan'tar as a child and using the Force to keep a deadly virus at bay were not truly that far off if she were being honest.

No, this was on an entirely different level.

Or something.

She was having a hard time wrapping her head around the enormity of the task. All of the problems, the sheer impossibilities. It was ridiculous. More fairy tale than real. She searched his face, but found no trace of teasing, of stringing her along for a laugh.

If anything, the serious tone in his voice at the end drove home the point that [member="Carach"] was earnestly serious about the whole thing.

"What kind of consequences?"

She still wasn't sure she was buying it as a possibility. But the one thing Irajah did when things didn't make sense was ask questions.

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Irajah Ven"]

Sith Alchemy, Transfer Essence, these things were of the Darkside.

The new body would be touch by it in ways that this one never had. It would be completely corrupted and that would corrupt her very essence the moment he tried to move it into it. This would change her, in so many fundamental ways, because the corruption of the Darkside was no fantasy. It was a real thing and Carach could feel its force flowing through his veins every day. Would he have made different decisions if not for the Darkside? Likely, very likely and a part of him was bothered by it. The idea that his decisions weren't his own... that they were influenced somehow by an entity that went beyond all of them?

It certainly annoyed him.

But it did not stop the Sith Lord from using it anyway. To feel the power flow through him, to make use of it to accomplish that which he wished. In the end... he had already made his decision a long time ago - that this was an acceptable exchange. Perhaps he would regret it at one point, but this Sith was not one to worry about it overly, because worrying ensured that he could not enjoy this life as it was.

"It is of the Darkside." He responded simply after a brief moment of thought. "You have always been inclined to it, yes, but you will not be able to use the Lightside in any fashion anymore."

For Carach the consequence was small, he was of the Darkside himself, but perhaps Irajah would see it differently.

 

[Kuzo]

Irajah made an irritated sound, almost a growl, deep in her throat.

"Jedi and Sith are so very fast to separate. This is Light. That is Dark."

One side of her mouth curled up in disgust.

"I'm not inclined to the Dark. I don't even know what is meant by that separation. I've seen Jedi doing some questionable karking things. And I've seen Sith help someone who was broken....."

She cast him a long look out of the corner of her eye.

I am not inclined to the Dark.

That statement revealed the depth of her ignorance on what fueled the dichotomy. The only times she had ever called on the Force were out of fear, out of anger. Even the way she kept herself alive had been taught to her by a Sith, her father, and she used it selfishly at every turn.

She saw little difference between the Jedi and the Sith- the primary difference being that the Jedi were hypocrites by and large.

Beyond her own relationship with the Force, there was the not insignificant fact that the Darkside felt comfortable. She hadn't found fear or discomfort on Panatha or Maena. That familiarity, the lack of discomfort- it all melded together to make the Darkside not 'other' to her.

She just didn't realize any of it on a conscious level yet.

"You say that like it matters. But if it's a choice between anything and my life. I'll choose my life. Every time, [member="Carach"] . Every. Time."

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Irajah Ven"]

Brows furrowed in thought, before it was replaced by a frown.

It was clear that she didn't understand and perhaps that shouldn't have surprised him. Doctor Irajah Ven was a very intelligent sentient, but she - as many - had a great blind spot when it came to the Force. Simply because they didn't have the experience or perspective that those who were deeply immersed in it had. Difficult... how to explain it? Was it even necessary to explain it to her? If there was one thing that Carach treasured it was the free of will.

To make your own decisions and stick by them.

The strongest Sith were not forged through torture and coercion. No, they were made by their own decisions, over and over again, until they were so far set into their path, they wouldn't be able to find their way back even if they wanted to.

"I can respect that." Carach finally responded after a moment of thought. "Continue your research - if the scientific path does not bear any fruit, we can revisit this subject, yes?"

 

[Kuzo]

She watched him out of the corner of her eye for another moment. Then nodded.

Permission wasn't what she needed from him- her experiences on Panatha had been tailored to make her doubt herself, her convictions, even her own ability to make the right choices.

But his acceptance was appreciated.

"When I'm feeling more....."

More what? Sure of herself? Stronger? She didn't know exactly what. But more something.

"I'll return to Maena. Eventually. All of my research on Gideon is there, fortunately. After that. Well."

She fell silent for a moment, a small frown flickering over her features. She had exhausted her current line of research and work. The tissue samples she had been working with had proven to be the newest dead end. She had run repeat simulations of all of her father's original tests, confirming their accuracy. [member="Matsu Xiangu"] had already made it clear that her research didn't need to stop there. Before everything that had happened, she had balked. Not that. Never that.

But something had shifted. And now she considered it more seriously.

"I have too much to do before I go back to Maena though," she said firmly, turning to face him fully. Her expression was one he'd seen earlier. Grim determination. And the expectant 'What's Next?' that was never more than a heart beat away.

[member="Carach"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Irajah Ven"]

What's next?

What follows?

Teach me something new.

Ad infinitum those questions roiled between them over and over again. If Matsu had been hungry, Irajah was a black hole where all the knowledge he had gathered across the years (more than years) slowly disappeared into it. Beyond the event horizon and then nothing, just the satisfying empty noise of silence. Before it repeated itself again and again and again and again. The perfect student, there wasn't anything Carach would change about her - perhaps a strong physique, but even that could be trained with enough time.

She would never crush skulls with her hands or bend iron, but strength was not simply in how much you could bench-press. That was a common mistake, thinking that the amount of muscles you had meant anything.

"I am going to lie." Carach finally said, after a moment of thought. It wasn't the exercise he had planned earlier. But her mention about Gideon made him think... it was time for her to extend herself outwardly, instead of being focused internally all the time.

"You try to detect the lie through the Force. I taught you how to extend your senses, now it's time to put it to a test."

One by one his mental walls locked themselves down.

From casual freedom it shifted into a fortress without noticeable doors, windows or any other form of opening. Almost as if a mountain had slowly grown over the fortification and leaving no place to go out or in. But that wasn't the point of the exercise - clearly, if he didn't want her to know about his lies, she wouldn't.

The point was for her to start picking up on the little signs within the Force.

So he started making little imperfections throughout his defenses, small, almost imperceptible unless you paid attention in full.

 

[Kuzo]

Irajah frowned but nodded slowly.

One of the first things they had done was explore, more in depth, the occasional twinges of danger that she got. She couldn't really control it, didn't know how to turn it off and on. At least not at first. Sometimes it had failed her utterly. But it had been a good starting place, and she and [member="Carach"] had worked to expand that sense from that already slightly familiar ground.

Of course, they hadn't done anything with it yet. Not really.

Utilizing the Force inward was second nature to Irajah. It was the first thing she had learned- indeed, the only thing she had learned as a child. And she had honed that particular skill to a razor's edge over the last year. She knew her body more intimately than most people ever could. It was part of the reason adjusting to the cybernetics had been, and was continuing to be, so difficult. The tech was so utterly alien in comparison to how familiar her own self was.

Reaching outside was a challenge. One of the more difficult things she'd ever tried to do, if she was being honest. It felt not unlike when she'd tried to teach herself how to pilot a star ship in order to escape her world. Eventually, she had managed it, at least enough to make it away (though she had promptly crashed upon reaching Tatooine), but every step of the process had been mental agonizing and difficult. It was knowledge that jarred at right angles to the way her brain worked. This felt similar.

Breathing in deeply, brow furrowing in concentration, she tried.

Irajah always tried.

Carach's signature in the Force always seemed so much larger than it had any right to be. It usually roiled, like a great cat stretching, but now it lay in wait, preternaturally still. Her own sense wavered, the small wave crashing and receding long before it even reached the shores of that mountain.

Annoyed, she reached out again.

But each time, the water drew back, collapsing in on it's own weight before it could fully explore even the barest edge. It wasn't the mountain itself that rebuffed her, but the draw of an internal sea always calling the water back to itself.

Her frown deepened, frustration growing.

Anger was rarely far from the surface these days. Anger with what had happened. Anger with herself for not seeing it for what it was, for letting it happen. And now anger at this limitation holding her back.

Deliberately, consciously, she let go of certain things. It took no conscious effort to keep up her battle with Gideon, but letting go of that battle? Even for a moment? That took a specific decision. She wouldn't let it go for long- she couldn't.

This time, the wave reached the stone, washing over it. It was only for a heartbeat, but the cracks, the weaknesses where the water sunk into them were crystal clear for that moment.

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Irajah Ven"]

The struggle was real.

Literally.

But no assistance was offered from the side of Carach. This was one of the things she needed to do on her own, because out there he couldn't always be with her, holding her hand and guiding her through the Galaxy. He had more important things to do than to shadow her every waking moment. Only an infantile creature would find it reasonable to assume otherwise. No, Irajah needed to learn this on her own - needed to learn to detach her own mind from her waking body at a moment's notice, if she was ever to become even remotely competent.

The first attempt was a failure.

As was the second one.

The third one... he noticed a shift inside of her. His mind was retreated, so Carach couldn't make it out exactly, but a guess could be made. Estimations were what they were and it suggested a dam rose up between the river and the large internal sea that beckoned. A soft trickle continued, back and forth, back and forth, but now her focus was elsewhere without the leash holding her back.

There he could sense her seep into him at the edges.

"Better." And then the tide retracted itself again and the mountain dried. "Again."

The command came now.

Everywhere else Irajah Ven was her own person and the Sith Lord did not interfere in that. She needed to find herself, once again become an individual in her own right. In that light choking her fledgling independence out would have been the wrong direction to take. A Sith... had chains, always chains, but to curtail them as they tried to break them?

Was anathema to the very idea of Sith.

 

[Kuzo]

"Again."

Again.

Again.

It was easy for Irajah to lose track of time- how long she battered against the face of those cliffs. Each time, finding her way farther and farther into the cracks. Each time [member="Carach"] setting new boundaries, new boulders, new seals. Each time needing to find a new passage before reaching those tiny weaknesses.

What she had meant as a momentary release of her attention on Gideon stretched.

She was wearing down far faster than he was- which was no surprise to either of them. But she kept going, kept pushing.

The last time, that last push, she let all of her anger, all of her frustration with each piling failure, surge through her. It wasn't a conscious choice- if anything, she was simply letting go of just one more thing she couldn't afford to keep in check.

Like a rapid formation of ice, it sliced through the waters to where they probed the cracks in the mountain. It expanded, forcing the cracks wider for the first time.

Blood dripped down her face from her nose, but she didn't notice it.

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Irajah Ven"]

His thumb wiped off the blood on her upper lip before he even realized it.

But in that moment Carach did not pull away in an abrupt fashion, as if he had committed a grave sin, neither did he apologize (verbally or through a facial expression). Instead he lingered there for a moment, soothing her with a casual aura and attitude, because she wasn't a broken toy.

And the Sith Lord refused to handle her with care.

It was not his way and never would be his way. He would act in a normal fashion, even if Carach would not try to initiate anything... further until she wished it herself.

Intimate relationships held no interest to him, if they weren't reciprocated fully.

"Enough. I can't use you if you are dead."

Well, that wasn't true, strictly speaking. If Irajah was only recently deceased he could possibly resurrect her again, pull her soul straight out of the Netherworld and imbue her body with it again.

At least for the first few times, until her essence was worn out and flimsy.

 

[Kuzo]

Her eyes had been closed- she was no where near a point where doing this kind of thing with her eyes open was even possible. She startled, flinching only slightly. She blinked owlishly at him as his thumb brushed over her skin. She didn't pull away once she realized what he was doing, only drawing back when he moved his hand. Her own moved up to her face, touching and frowning as she looked down at her lap where a few tell tale drops had spattered.

"Almost had it," she muttered, wiping the back of her hand beneath her nose and frowning as she retreated back into herself with the Force and seeking out the places Gideon had taken advantage of.

It wasn't that bad.

"I can do it," she said firmly, looking up at him. "Let me try again."

He shook his head, a smile curling up one corner of his mouth.

"You will try again. Tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. And you'll hate me before we're through."

****

He wasn't wrong.

Over the next two weeks or so, there was more than one occasion where Irajah seriously debated if death was actually the better option. Especially those first moments in the morning that first week. Dying rather than moving seemed more than a little tempting.

But after that, it started to get easier. Physically at least. Her body grew more accustomed to the exercise. She understood better where her limits when it came to Gideon were (though she pushed those as surely as she pushed anything else, which she would come to regret with time).

Time and time again, her drive to move forward was met by the wall of that virus. It held her back far more than the body that had been cobbled back together, or the mind that was slowly being built back up into some semblance of herself again. While it seemed like such a small thing in comparison to working with the Force, in truth it was the self confidence that she was slowly rebuilding that was the most important accomplishment in this time. The growing comfort in public settings. The lack of flinching when someone touched her unexpectedly-

No, that wasn't entirely true.

But at least when [member="Carach"] did now, she didn't flinch.

​And that was a start.

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Irajah Ven"]

Her leg swiped across the air where his head had been.

Across the weeks she had remarked a number of times that it didn't seem fair. That a man of his... posture seemed to be able to move as quickly and swiftly as he did, but that was years of training and being forged across numerous battlefields for you. The fact that he stood here, instead of buried amidst his brothers and sisters on one planet or the other only spoke of that experience. You didn't survive for too long in the One Sith - especially as one in the higher echelons of its hierarchy - without being scarily adept in the art of war and battle.

A tiny fist launched and Carach waited for the last possible micro of seconds to take a step back, to ruin her balance as a perceived point of contact fell away and left her with nothing to counter-act her own momentum.

Large hand curled around her shoulder and yanked her back, two seconds before she planted her face in the floor and started eating durasteel.

"You are getting better." The Sith Lord complimented, before pushing her back and onto the line of fight. "Again."

Again.

That word had echoed after her for the entirety of her time here. Always another thing to learn, always another muscle to bruise during combat training, always another line to push her mind forward and expand. No, Carach was not a kind teacher, not one to pause at unease, until the very most breaking point was achieved. Only then did the Sith pull her back from the brink.

He wanted a tool, after all.

A corpse was inconvenient in comparison.