Still The Same, But Different

[Connor Harrison]

Connor watched the dress trail back to Taeli, and he folded his arms and leant back on the chair. She talked with honesty, and part of him admired her, but part of him felt she was trying to say the words she thought he wanted to hear.

”You wouldn’t have become a monster, Taeli. We could have made a big difference to things. Embracing what we are inside. Pinning salvation on Corvus gives you an easy way out, but without her I don’t think you’d regret anything you did in the line of duty.”

He licked his lip gently and looked up at the décor on the ceiling, thinking how best to phrase his wording.

”I sometimes wish I had turned that day. I’d have known who I am then, and would have little and no ties that keep pressuring me like they do now. It’s not always the right way, the Jedi way.”

He wasn’t scared of Taeli, but he was ready for a little outburst of that fiery temper he seemed to fuel so often.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"You don't think that if I had no family connections, with that pit of despair that I would have fallen into, that I wouldn't become a monster?" Taeli said, her eyebrow arching. "Come on Connor, you might not want to say it or believe it, but I would have been even worse than Matsu Xiangu if I didn't find a member of my real family alive."

She sighed heavily as he mussed what would have happened if he had fallen. She knew what would happen now if he ever fell. There wouldn't be a place in the galaxy he could hide where she wouldn't track him down.

"Don't kid yourself about that," she replied. "If you have no ties to humanity, you drown in the darkness ... just like my former apprentice. She didn't listen to me when I said one needs to retain one's humanity, one's connection to the world or life in some way, or you risk falling into the stereotype of a dark sider. Selfish, uncaring to the plight of others, etc etc etc. The Jedi way isn't easy, no I agree it isn't, but what is right and what is easy are two entirely separate things. Falling into the darkness would have been the easy way for you."

Sitting down on a small portion of a cleared desk, she looked at the man.

"It starts out nobly enough ... but it never ends well. I had to save a friend who uses the dark side to fight the dark side because his mind snapped from the strain and the emotions he faced, and he was starting to kill and injure indiscriminately. The dark side only destroys, Connor."

 

[Connor Harrison]

The Jedi gently drew circles on his chin as he listened and watched Taeli, nodding gently. He understood her view, and he agreed partly. But there had always been a strange urge for him to prove others wrong – to let them give him the chance.

”I know you mean well. I understand, and I don’t doubt what you could have been. You just found purpose with Corvus, and that’s nice. It’s good. I just wonder if and when there will be someone who can bind the two sides together to make one strong force to oppose the darkness.”

He tapped his chin and little, rocking gently on the chair and sighed.

”I’m not going to lie it’s always made me think, and one day maybe someone should try to prove everyone wrong. Hell I don’t know. It’s just bugging me. And worse than Matsu Xiangu? Oh please.”

Connor grinned at the Jedi.

”You’re not as psychotic as she is. You could never be.”

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"You'd be fighting about 25,000 years of history then, not an easy task to do," Taeli said, getting up and moving over to a book shelf. "You also underestimate what losing a family at one's own hands can do to someone, trust me, if I had stayed a Sith and never met my sister ... the mind is a fragile thing. I would have wanted to inflict that sort of pain I had suffered on others, drawing pleasure from it. But I didn't fall to it."

Rummaging through the books on her shelf, she paused as she looked at one then kept going.

"You want a view of the Force that would justify you using the dark side and the light to fight against the darkness," she continued. "You want some sort of justification for all the confusion and drama that follows you around, in a way it's almost like you have PTSD. Regardless ... ah here we go."

She took a heavy bound book and tossed it to him as if it weighed nothing.

"That right there is a detailed description and theory about the Potentium view of the Force," Taeli said, sitting back down on the table. "It's a view that one's actions and urges are what make an act light or dark, justifying the use of both sides of the Force for the greater good. However, it was never official Jedi canon because it was introduced to the modern incarnation of the Jedi by way of Vergere. Luke Skywalker viewed it as too dangerous eventually to allow the idea to flourish, and for good reason. His nephew fell and became a Sith just a few years after that."

 

[Connor Harrison]

She was off on one, and it drew a thin smile; ever the knowledgeable bookworm now rooting for text to back up her words. He listened, however. She knew more than most both sides of the fence.

”Look, I t-”

Taeli launched the book selection to him and it thumped against his stomach as he caught it in two hands but wasn't ready for how heavy it was. Connor turned it over and around and looked at it - perfect condition, a little creased but otherwise perfect. He started to thumb through the pages as she spoke. Thew view of both sides of the Force.

”Thank you wise Raaf. I'd like to keep this for a while, and I'll be sure to return it to you. Certainly...looks interesting.”

This was beneficial reading and something he couldn't deny his whole life as a Silver had been drawn to.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"As long as it is returned in the condition it currently is, you may hold on to it for awhile," Taeli said, still going through her book shelf. "Just note that even the Potentium warn that an overuse of the darkness without the counter balance of the Light will tilt a being's mind into the depths. Okay, here is something else."

Picking out a much older looking book and carrying it over gingerly, she set it on the nearby table.

"This one is not for borrowing, it took me quite a while to track it down," she said, smiling a bit. "It details a certain Jedi and Sith I think you might relate to. One who used both sides of the Force to do what you want to do, but he ultimately remained a Jedi Master. Unfortunately, the Sith poisoned his mind with hate and fear, enough that when he was supposedly defeated, his body and spirit split in two. The dark controlled the body, the light became a Force ghost."

No name was given, but if he knew his history, he would know who she was talking about.

"The lesson here is the dark can be poisonous Connor, cases upon cases upon cases show it. If this is the path you want to walk, I can give you some guides ... but if you fall into the darkness fully ... I won't hold back when I find you. If I have to drag you back to Ossus on a stretcher, I will do so. Understand?"

 

[Connor Harrison]

He wrapped his arm around the heavy book and continued to watch Taeli. His eyes drifted around the room again; it was more like a library than a personal ship.

"I’ll get it back to you, I’ll look after it."

Turning his head to look at the rare book on the table, he looked between the text and Taeli, noting the underlying threat in her voice and the way she had a hold over him.

"Taeli, will you stop? I’m only looking and reading for knowledge; isn’t that what all good Jedi do to understand the greater galaxy and the forces they face daily? Don’t worry."

He reclined back on the chair, leaving the book open on the table and not wanting to compare himself those before.

"And if I ever left, you’d never find me. I’d make sure of it for your own protection."

The tone in his voice was serious, but the cracked smile on his lips gave away anything he may have meant by it, which was nothing.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"You underestimate me, but keep telling yourself that," Taeli said, patting his cheek. "I would think you would have learned that nothing stops a Raaf once their mind is set on something."

Looking down at the book, she carefully picked it up and moved it back to its spot on her shelf.

"Take it from someone who absolute loves knowledge, not all of it is good to have," Taeli continued, turning back to sit down. "Personally, I think going and sitting through a year of primary school would do you some good, not delving into things that can change the galaxy."

That comment was accompanied by a teasing smile, to show it was meant as a joke than anything else.

"Oh, and I forgot to mention this, if that book does come back damage in any way ... well ... I'm sure you can imagine the pains I go through to get these things ... I might not take it very well," she said, her violet eyes turning hard as amethyst for a moment before softening again.

 

[Connor Harrison]

With a questionable look in his eyes, she was doing what she did brilliantly – pushing his buttons again. Very few people did it like Taeli, and even patting him on the cheek was as much of a prod with a stick. And off she went about her wealth of knowledge and his lack of it, and her understanding and his failure to.

”You know what," he turned the book and let it drop to the table beside the chair, "you keep your book. I’d rather find what’s out there myself rather than read what to do or not do from others you seem to live by now."

He pushed up from the chair and folded his arms, tucking his hands around his chest.

"I know what the Raaf sisters are like, and Corvus has been straight all along. You? Hm. You’ve lost your fire, Taeli. It’s like this goody-goody, living to be like your sister to make up for your past. You go off on these little lectures to me like you think you know best."

He pursed his lips and raised his eyes to her slightly.

"Just watch that high-horse of yours, ok? It’s unattractive."

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"As someone who has actually fought in the war, come back to me about fires being lost when you actually get a taste of what a real battle is like," Taeli said scathingly, bristling a bit. If there was one thing this man could do, it was push her buttons like no tomorrow. She offered help, gave a joke, and then he does that? Why couldn't he understand she was trying to help him?

"You are probably the most stubborn, bull-headed person I have ever met you know," she said, her eyes still blazing a bit in anger. "Constantly running off into situations without understanding them, getting your butt kicked in some way, then retreating to lick your wounds and think about if your future should be different. Honestly, aren't you tired of doing that? Tired of constantly questioning what you are and not looking at what you have?"

She sighed, and looked down for a moment.

"I'm sorry, we both always seem to know what exactly will push the others buttons, don't we?"

 

[Connor Harrison]

"Mhm. And I thought Corvus as a thorn in my side. And then YOU came along."

He moved towards the loading ramp and lifted his hands to hold onto some of the ships detail above casually. He turned and swung gently on his feet, back and forth.

"It’s time then to stop thinking what I keep doing wrong then, wouldn’t you say? I need to find the outlet to be something better. And I’ve not got anything that anyone else has – a few friends, acquaintances…Padawans who I still regret letting in because I always said I wouldn’t."

He shook his head and stifled a yawn in his arm.

"Tired physically and mentally. Just one tip though, don’t always try and help me like you do. I don’t need your help. Just…be there if I need you. That’s all. I’ll make my own mistakes, sort my own future – don’t concern yourself with it. Ok?"

While he wasn’t beaming with a smile, he didn’t look away, trying to get her to look at him to reassure he wasn’t being harsh.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

Looking at him, she sighed internally. She just had a feeling something wasn't going to end well, that something was going to happen that would be ... game changing.

"I'm always here for you," she said softly. "And I always will be, sorry ... I just ... I care about your well being and you overall. It's why I'm always offering to help or trying to help you learn from mistakes made ... I'm sorry."

Taking a deep shuddering breath, her purple eyes met his eyes. The book on the table levitate over and gently fell into his hands.

"I know you said you don't want it, but take it anyways. If you need to find the answers yourselves, you need a starting point. All great self-discovery adventures have them, have something that sparks it. Just don't cut out the people who are a part of your life Connor, we're here and part of it for a reason."

 

[Connor Harrison]

Light as air, the book came back to his hands and he didn’t need to look away to know it was there and to take it from her levitation. Turning it around and holding to his chest, he gave a half-smile and patted it.

"I’ll take care of it."

He walked over and beckoned her with his arm, taking her in it and resting his head on hers, giving a gently kiss on her hair.

"And myself. Don’t worry."

Staying still, he embraced her for a few moments, rubbing her arm gently before backing away. With an enthusiastic shake of the book, he backed to the ramp, the light outside now like a burning glow compared to the dark interior. He turned and looked at the glow.

"See. Always gonna walk into the Light, regardless. I’ll be sure to contact you if I need anything – and be sure to do the same with me. I know it won’t be long before I see you again if you’re true to the Raaf gene; I just can’t seem to stay away from you two."

The cocky grin came back again.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"I'll be hanging around Silver space for awhile," Taeli replied, accepting the embrace and holding him tightly for a moment. She looked up to see that cocky smile, the same one that a certain Padawan had worn on Lorrd so many years ago. "I want to study some of the ruins in the region, including the citadel on Ziost. You know ... I missed that cocky smile. I wonder if I will ever see a grown up version of that Padawan some day."

Looking at the setting sun, she could appreciate the beauty that Voss offered.

"I want things returned whole Connor, that book ... and you," she said, smiling and giving Connor a kiss on the cheek. "Just make sure you know what you are doing before you go running off again, have a plan."

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor moved and stepped down off the landing ramp, standing on the hard ground with Taeli at the top looking down to him. With a small bow, he smiled.

"Hey, it’s me. I always have a plan. Sort of."

He gave her a wink and backed away to allow her space to take her ship out, but he would remain to watch her go, the book to his chest and the kiss on his cheek. It now seemed he had reading to carry him over the next couple of days as his brattish Padawan healed and thought about her error.

Why couldn’t she be more grown up and on the same wavelength as Taeli? Still. He figured it was a test to see if he could make something of her. Connor looked at the book, deciding it would need to stay out of sight from others.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]