Private Tending To New Wounds

[Shan]

Tags: Lily Decoria

The conversation Shan had with Iris did well at helping him deal with some of the demons that he had from Woostri. But that didn't mean they were fully gone. Not yet. They still haunted him at night. Sleepless nights had became far more common since the invasion of Woostri. It had been affecting his healing as well. It was harder for him to stay concentrated and focused on treating people and that meant he had to deal with it somehow. Meditation was the best way for him in his eyes, as he made his way through the Coruscant Temple. The familiar halls doing very little in comforting his fears. These were the halls that people who succeeded walked through. Shan couldn't remember the last time he had succeded in something as a Jedi. But that didn't mean he was going to give up.

Eventually he reached the Courtyard of the Temple, taking in the sights of the flora, a small tired smile finally showing up on his face. Shan remembered the first time he arrived at the Temple and saw the Courtyard. It had been unlike anything he had ever experienced before. Back when he was still naive and had that bright light of hope in his eyes. Now he was more matured, and just had a constant tired look in his eyes. It was easy when he was around people, when he was in the field, to stay focused on being positive. To be a beacon for others. But when he was alone, that was the tough times. Silence wasn't golden. It was the opposite for him. Which is part of the reason he had came to the Courtyard, so he could focus on the ambient noise around him. Some people may have enjoyed meditation in silence, but Shan needed sound.

Taking a small seat on the ground, Shan crossed his legs under himself before closing his eyes. Focusing on his breathing and the pull and flow of the Force, ebbing around him. Letting it wash over him as Shan tried to figure out how to deal with these demons. He had failed. He had accepted that. Now he just needed to figure out how to get back up. But how do you get back up when you've failed yourself twice? Failed your mission and your morals. He was still a pacifist. That hadn't changed but...he felt wrong now. All he had to do was figure out why...

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Coruscant
Outfit: Jedi Attire
Equipment: Crossguard Lightsaber, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Shan

Azurine Varek had gotten captured. Lily had fled alone with her team of Jedi dead. She had failed to stop Carnifex and now, he had another Padawan captured and Lily had no idea what she was going to do. With all this guilt, this frustration, this feeling of inability. She cannot help but feel continually lingering on the memories and emotions of failing to protect someone who was on the same mission as her.

Lily knew she needed to find a way to express her feelings, talk things out with people but Lily couldn't do that. She was a fighter, her native tongue was fighting and movement of the body. However, finding someone who would understand her language, understand the nuances that she was expressing in every movement. Usually there was her family, her aunt or mother that she could turn to but her aunt was gone. Her mother and grandmother, this was just never going to be something that they would understand.

She was their prized Echani. The one that would make the family stand out as the best of the best. Being anything less than that was not acceptable.

Visiting Coruscant, Lily decided to take a break from Naboo and spending time away from Briana Sal-Soren who she knew was going to notice the spiral that Lily felt coming her way. Instead, Lily decided a break, a step away would allow her to work on the mental health could work in a new environment and Coruscant was a place where she trained first. It was somewhere that she was more relaxed and the gardens would be a place where she could settle her mind.

"Shan?"

Lily spotted the Mirialan sitting on the ground. She looked surprised to see him there but not overly surprised. The man was someone who seemed to enjoy the more peaceful aspects of a Jedi life. "How are you?"

 

[Shan]

Tags: Lily Decoria

Shan raised an eyebrow at the familiar voice, opening his eyes to stop focusing on his meditation. That was a voice he hadn't heard in a long time. Perhaps it had been his own fault for not trying to meet more people now that he came back to the Jedi. There were still plenty of friends he had to find again but Lily was still a welcome sight for very sore eyes as Shan pushed himself up to his feet, brushing some of the dirt and dust off his robes for a moment before strolling over towards Lily with a bright grin.

"Lily! I haven't seen you in a while."

There was a part of him that wanted to avoid answering how he was. Focus on talking about her instead of about himself but...keeping it couped up wouldn't be good for him. Let your feelings out and everything. That sounded so stupid to him now that he thought about it out loud. The Mirialan ran a hand through his hair, letting out a sigh.

"I'm not doing well, I suppose. Restless nights weren't a good thing last time I checked. Nightmares and all that."

Even if he was going to talk about it, Shan was still going to somewhat joke about it. He didn't want to dwell on pure negativity. There wouldn't be a way for him to grow and get better from that. No. He had to focus on making something negative into something positive, even if that simply meant making it something he could joke about.

"How about you? Are you doing well? Haven't been able to talk to you in an age."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Coruscant
Outfit: Jedi Attire
Equipment: Crossguard Lightsaber, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Shan

Lily had not been the best of friends when attempting to keep in contact with others. She rarely was the one to keep messaging or checking in. In fact, the last time she had seen Shan was at Colette's knighting. Which was where she had learned the two first friends she had made at the GA were also dating at the time. She had learned since then that they separated but it was still a strange surprise for Lily to realise that they had found each other and without Lily learning or being a part of that connection.

She supposed that the Force worked in very strange coincidental ways.

However, it was a demonstration that Lily was not the best at maintaining contact unless she was sparring with the person or attempting to train, or work on missions with a person. Possibly in part why she was still single herself and not really looking for any long term relationships. She was too flaky for such commitments. Hell, she was running away from Naboo and the commitment to the RNR to take a break and think about everything that happened on Woostri.

"We're allowed restful sleeps? I thought that was against the Jedi Code or something..." Lily joked as she hinted at the fact she had been suffering with a similar ordeal. Though hers was something inflicted by a curse she was suffering with. Not that Lily had told anyone about the fact she had been cursed and could not sleep for more than a few hours at a time. No one else needed to face that burden with Lily. It was her fault and problem to solve.

She shrugged her shoulders, "to be honest, this life. It is harder than you realise. Even when you train your whole life to be a warrior, to fight. Actually fighting, facing death..." Lily let out a sigh, words she was never the best with but she figured she would try since Shan had been honest with her. "It is just not what I expected to be right now. I thought I would be more."

 

[Shan]

Tags: Lily Decoria

He couldn't help but chuckle at the idea of sleeping being against the Jedi Code. It was a good thing he followed his own code then. Though he broken his code during Woostri...That wasn't important right now though. It clear to Shan from the joke, that Lily wasn't exactly doing well when it came to resting as well.

"Trust me. If I learned anything from studying for my Doctorate...Sleep is important, Jedi Code or not. Falling asleep in class is never a good thing...Not that I ever did that. I was always a perfect student."

Even as he tried to joke away again, Shan's expression turned serious as Lily talked about how life was harder than you'd realise. How she expected she'd be more than what she was right now. He hesitated for a moment, mulling it over in his head. What were the right words he could use to try and help her here? Did he even have the words right now? Lily was struggling in her own way, different to Shan's struggles but they were still struggles all the same.

Actions were louder than words, right? Shan was more of a talker than a doer, but considering that Lily was trying to use her words, it was only fair that Shan went out of his comfort zone as he stepped closer to give Lily a hug. It was meant to be his way of showing that he was there for Lily without using his words. Though he did have to speak somewhat still.

"Life is a struggle. I get that. I thought I'd be...more successful than I actually am. But everything I do as a Jedi...just ends up as a failure. I fail in my duties as a Jedi, and I've failed my own morals."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Coruscant
Outfit: Jedi Attire
Equipment: Crossguard Lightsaber, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Shan

Lily waved off the concerns on sleep. She was managing the little sleep she got with caffeine and resilience but it was wearing down on her soul in the long run. It didn't help that her attempts to end the curse were not successful. At least the last time with Adeline Noctua had not been a success. Far from it.

"It's a joke, nothing to be concerned about Shan." Lily was never a fan of lying but she focused on the fact that she did not think this was something he needed to worry about and she had genuinely meant it as a joke. It was not the full truth of what was going on with the Echani but it was a truthful statement from a certain point of view.

That was what she needed to focus on since lying was such a burning hatred to her.

When Shan shifted closer and moved in for a hug. Lily was genuinely surprised, she had not expected the hug. She let the Knight hug her and wrapped her arms around him. Gestures like this, she was never sure how long was too long for those who were not family or other Echani. She felt her desire to hug tighter, the need to fight back the tears. Lily just focused on her breathing, slow and steady as she could.

"I'm the reason Azurine got captured. I failed her, Master Valery... The whole Order. I let Carnifex slip away and attack her." Lily confessed, "I am meant to be the frontline, the warrior that none pass. A sword that shields others from the dangers of combat and the threat of those wishing to inflict harm on innocent lives." Lily stated, she knew that Shan was not a fighter but it was her language, it was her way of life. It was a loss that struck at the core of who she was that the Sith Lord had ignored her presence to chase another.

That she had not been good enough to keep others safe. The thing she trained her whole life to be able to do.

"How do you keep going when you fail to be the person you trained to be your whole life? When your fails put the lives you aim to protect in danger? When you cause someone to be captured and probably tortured for goddess knows how long?!" Lily felt her voice hitch as the tears began to reform in her eyes.

Facing the failure head on was harder than any fight she had been in.

 

[Shan]

Tags: Lily Decoria

Oh. The irony. Lily saw herself as the Sword to protect the innocent on the frontlines, whereas Shan saw himself as the Wall to protect the innocents in the rear. And they both seemed to have broken on Woostri. Faltered at the last moment. But whereas the losses on Shan's end had been difficult, they were at peace now. Shan didn't know much about Azurine. But he knew Lily well enough to know that letting a Jedi get captured wasn't something she could just brush off, as Shan tightened the hug for a moment, taking a moment before he spoke.

"...I was meant to be the guardian for the Medics. A Wall that the Sith couldn't pass. I failed. Innocent people who couldn't fight lost their lives, because I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough to protect them, and I wasn't strong enough to protect my ideals. I...took a life for the first time. It was...easier than I thought it would have been. So much easier than trying not to take one."

Once again, the Mirialan let silence fill the air. It was hard for him to figure out an answer to her question. Mostly because it was an answer that he needed as well. One that he had struggled to find. It was hard, no matter the situation as he mused the response in his head. This wasn't the first time he had felt like this either. He had failed before. Back during the invasion of Coruscant. When his response was to leave the Order. To take a break and study. But even then, he couldn't stay away for long.

"...I don't have a good answer. The first time I failed my duty as a Jedi, and as a teacher...I went on a sabbatical. It was more of an exile of my own choice I suppose. I didn't think I was good enough to be a Jedi. I thought I should become a doctor. That it was my calling. But even then...I was pulled back to the Order."

The entire time, Shan kept his voice steady. It would be hard enough with one of them being emotional. He didn't want to add any extra weight to that. It was hard enough as he tried to focus on his answers. Words were meant to be what he was good at. Somewhat at least.

"Think of what inspires you Lily? Why do you chose to be a Jedi? Why do you follow this path, knowing that it can be so difficult? For me, it's because I know more people will be hurt if I turn my back to the Galaxy...I might have failed those Medics, but if I blind myself to the Galaxy, I fail every living person. You're strong Lily. You always have been. I've always wanted your strength. But there's one thing that requires the most incredible strength in the Galaxy. The strength to push yourself back up after you've fell down. To get back up and keep moving."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Coruscant
Outfit: Jedi Attire
Equipment: Crossguard Lightsaber, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Shan

As soon as Shan tightened the hug, Lily instinctively tightened the hug back. Pulling him in closer so she could feel reassured by his presence being close to her. She hadn't planned on revealing her anxieties and fears. Lily thought she could be smart, she thought that she could mask her suffering with humour but when confronted, when Shan opened up. Lily just let it all tumble out and could not prevent it from coming out.

"Sometimes, as Jedi, we are confronted with situations where we must place the safety and lives of the many over our personal codes and morals." Lily stated, she knew that Shan was not one for killing, or even fighting. They had discussed that when they worked together in the undercity during the early days of her Padawan training. "But I am sorry to hear that you had to fight, that you had to kill. That shouldn't be something you have to face Shan." Once again she felt the blame lingering in her mind that this was her fault.

That she had failed to protect those she cared about from harm.

"I am not strong." Lily shook her head, "my attacks were nothing, I could do nothing as my whole team died. None of my training or talents could save them, no matter what I tried to do." Lily clenched her jaw, she hated that others saw her as strong in this moment. "When I did land a strike, it had no affect on him, he reacted like it was nothing and that my Lightsaber might as well have been a toy."

How was she meant to get stronger, meant to defeat great evils like that when her fighting abilities just were never going to be good enough. They were never going to match the pacing of someone that strong. "There is only so much I can do and every fight I have against the Sith, it feels like I just see how wide the divide is in what I can do to protect lives in comparison to how easily they can kill those I fail to protect."

"What am I meant to do when I face death and only escape due to luck? Luck won't save me every time..."

 

[Shan]

Tags: Lily Decoria

Shan stayed quiet as Lily tightened the hug. He'd be there for his friends in any way he could be. He felt like he hadn't been there enough for them in the past so this was one of his ways to make up for it. He'd be there for Lily for as long as she needed, holding the hug until she was ready for it to end. Just as a sign and a reminder that she wasn't alone, no matter what. He had abandoned the Jedi in the past, but he wasn't going to do it again.

"Oh. I've fought plenty recently. Hapes. Woostri. It isn't the fight that...puts me off. It's taking lives. Knowing that I'm not strong enough for any other choice. That just being smart isn't enough. They got past any attempt I did to slow them down."

It was something he had accepted. He couldn't just play smart anymore. Shan had to step up somehow in the way he acted on the field. Was he going to stay as support like he had so often or try to work on being in the battle, even though it had went so awful for him. But that wasn't important to him. What was important to him was Lily. She was struggling more than Shan was. And he couldn't think of an answer to tell her.

"...Some people might say there isn't luck. That it's the Force keeping you alive. I'm not sure if I agree with that. I also disagree when some people say strength is purely related to power. Strength can be measured in many ways. Not giving up, powering through pain, having the strength to help people even if it hurts. But I know me saying all of this is easy. I don't know how you feel exactly. I could say you're wrong for feeling this way. But you aren't. You're right to feel this way."

He couldn't say much on the strength of Sith. He had only really ever fought one properly. And she was only an Apprentice who relied on mental trickery. That was something Shan was good at it. If they had been a more martial based Apprentice, Shan doubted he'd have done as well as he had when he was a Padawan.

"For once, I don't have the right words to say Lily. I know that words can only go so far. If I could show you how to get stronger, then I would. But I can't. Not by myself. I've always believed Jedi are strong together. When they support each other. But who knows. Maybe I'm wrong. I am quite often."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Coruscant
Outfit: Jedi Attire
Equipment: Crossguard Lightsaber, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Shan

She couldn't help but feel her grip tighten into the robes of Shan's attire as the hug lasted for as long as she needed it to. It had been a long time since Lily had been close physically with someone that wasn't family like this in a long time. She usually approached things with a little more coldness since she had been working on her training and focusing on becoming stronger. This was the first time she lowered her walls to just be Lily, not the Jedi she sought to be or the Echani her family wished her to become. Just the young woman who was feeling deeply scared and believing she was an utter disappointment since she was not fulfilling the promises she had made.

Promises that were impossible but Lily refused to see it that way.

Breaking the hug after a few more long moments, Lily wiped away the attempts of tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. Sighing, she didn't want to be emotional like this in front of someone else, but Lily couldn't help but let the emotions tumble out at this point. "Sorry." Lily apologised for crying since it felt so silly to be this way when Shan was dealing with his own demons and she wanted to help him best that she could as well. But she wasn't sure how. To her, some threats were too severe to allow to live. People like Carnifex, like Quintessa, like others out there in the Sith Order. Letting them live was allowing them to murder thousands more later down the line.

To her, some were just irredeemable.

"I'm sorry that you have had to fight, and what happened on Woostri. It isn't on you. The other person knew there would be consequences for their actions and still attempted to harm innocent lives. Sometimes, we have to recognise that others out there are just as responsible for what happens to them as we are for what happens to ourselves." Lily looked over to Shan, "doesn't mean you should give up on not wishing to harm others, maybe there can be disarming, disabling fighting skills you can learn to knock someone out so they can't fight."

She wasn't sure how Shan felt about putting some unconscious since there was a risk of severe head trauma but it was an alternative to killing. It was all she could offer as advice in terms of being a fighter.

Shaking her head, "I don't expect anyone can really offer the right words... For either of us. Sometimes, I think there just aren't the right words to offer to help us in the situations we are in." Lily looked up to her friend and offered a weak smile, "but I appreciate you listening and for trying." Whether what Shan offered would help or not, Lily couldn't be sure right now. There was just so much going on in her head.

 

[Shan]

Tags: Lily Decoria

"Lily Decoria. You have nothing to be sorry for. We're friends. Alright? I'm always here if you need someone to cry to. I've had people who are always here for me, so it's only fair that I'm here for one of my friends. You're one of the people who's important to me."

Shan rested his hand on Lily's shoulder, giving her the brightest grin he could muster right now. He had his own issues but he also had all the time in the Galaxy for his friends if they needed it. It let him try and make a difference, even if it was somewhat small. Though Shan couldn't help but smirk at the suggestion of knocking people out.

"Trust me, I've been doing that. Using my blaster to stun them, Lightsaber to disarm them...sometimes in the literal sense. Or using the ground beneath their feet to trap them. It just...didn't work against these guys. Their armour was too strong..."

At the start of the sentence, Shan was at least trying to joke along...but as it started to go on, he felt his mood slowly but surely taking a downwards turn. Okay. Don't focus on Woostri. That was a dumb idea. Though he frowned slightly at something Lily said as the Mirialan turned quiet for a few long moments. Longer than normal as he cupped his chin between his index finger and thumb...

"...You're right. There might not be any right words. So I'll offer something else up if you want. I'm not sure how good I'll be, but I'm willing to try out a spar with you. Doesn't have to be today, but it could be something to look forward to. It's the least I can offer you. You don't need to thank me either. I appreciate you Lily. You're important to a lot of people."

All of his friends were important to Shan. Attachments were one of the things that kept him moving through the Galaxy. They were what brought him back to the Order after he left. Some people might think attachments held you back, but in Shan's eyes, they were the very thing he fought for. The reason he went out to do things he didn't like.

"I'll always be here for you Lily. Just need to ask me. I'm dumb with this stuff sometimes. I don't always see when people need me."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Coruscant
Outfit: Jedi Attire
Equipment: Crossguard Lightsaber, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Shan

Lily gave another weak smile and nodded her head, appreciating that Shan was accepting of how she was feeling right now and not judging her for just releasing all the emotions she was feeling in that moment. "That means a lot Shan. I appreciate it and you are important to me as well. You were one of my first friends when I became a Jedi. That is always going to be special to me." Lily admitted, she breathed in deeply as she settled her body and relaxed things.

Hearing about the armour, it was understandable that things could get difficult with how certain people were armoured and that not every weapon designed to stun or disable would work effectively. "Urm... perhaps that is something we could work together on then? Echani are masters in combat and warfare not just because we train ourselves to be strong, but understanding our enemies and utilising their weaknesses. Every armour has a kink in it that someone can exploit and death does not have to the only way." Lily suggested, she wanted to make sure that Shan had every tool and bit of training he could get to avoid having another identity crisis like the one he was currently going through.

When he offered to spar, there was a small blush that formed on her face as she had to shake her head, "not right now. It would be too...too intimate... It would be something to do between two who were more than friends." Lily confessed, she couldn't go into a traditional spar in the emotional state she was in without feeling like it was going to be a courting ritual by the end of it. Her emotions were far too heightened currently for that. "In a few days time, when things feel calmer, I would be happy to spar then." She offered another weak smile, still a keen sparrer even when she was feeling as down as she did.

"I know, just doesn't help that I am not very good at asking for help either." Lily laughed slightly.

 

[Shan]

Tags: Lily Decoria

Shan couldn't help but grin at the confirmation that he was special to Lily. It was dumb of him to react that way, but considering his identity crisis and lack of confidence, it was one of the pushes he needed to keep at it.

"I'd appreciate the lessons. I'm willing to give you some on things if you want. Healing is my main aptitude, but I'm good with mental defense and some elemental control. Not sure how much it'll be able to help you but I'll do my hardest. Always been a fan of teaching if i'm honest."
It was true. Teaching was something that Shan had found himself quite enjoying. He needed to work more on training Zaiya now that him and Iris were co-mastering. Hm...Maybe he'd be able to pass on some of the stuff that Lily could teach him. It was an interesting thought. Though he shook his head at that. It was just nice to know that he was going to have some extra skills in his arsenal. It was another good thing with attachments and bonds. You were able to learn more.

He tilted his head for a moment as he noticed the blush on Lily's face...only for his own face to turn a small shade of red as Lily explained things. He had known that sparring was important to an Echani. That's why he had offered it. To let them help each other through more than just words. But he didn't know they were THAT important to an Echani as he raised his hands up somewhat defensively, letting out a nervous chuckle.

"Ye-Yeah. In a few days. I just...wanted to be here for you if you needed it. I thought sparring would help. But if it's something that intimate...I can wait. For sure."

With that, Shan ran his hand through his hair, trying to get the blush to come off his face. It was embarrassing if he was being honest to himself. This was why he needed to get more than just a surface level of a culture.

"...If you're bad at asking for help, then I'll just need to remember to keep offering my help to you then. Same way as I know you'd help me."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Coruscant
Outfit: Jedi Attire
Equipment: Crossguard Lightsaber, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Shan

She smirked at his grin when she called him special, it was dumb but it was cute at the same time. It was good to see that had not been taken away yet, it reassured Lily that there was still some good in him. Nodding her head, "lessons on mental fortitude would be good. Would be good to prevent enemies from reading my mind or attempting to brainwash." Lily figured that would be good thing to have, especially since she knew that Sith were known to play mental games and torture the mind as much as they would torture the body.

When she noticed Shan blushing during her explanation, she felt her own cheeks warm up even more as the realisation came to him fast. "It's complicated. The more we spar each other, the more we understand one another, creating deeper bonds, connections and understanding. Which can also lead to romances and courtships. So you would spar a lot with your partner to learn to truly understand one another. Give how emotional and vulnerable I feel, I would be expressing a lot to you that I wouldn't normally, therefore, could accidentally start a path that you don't want to explore." Lily explained further, to hopefully bring understanding to the situation as well as mentioning that she just assumed it was an area that he did not wish to explore with her.

They were friends after all, so made sense to her that there was not further interest than that.

"Don't worry about it too much, I wasn't assuming anything, just explaining why not today since I didn't want offend your really sweet gesture." Lily spoke with a sad smile, she wasn't looking to make Shan feel bad for attempting to help her out. What he did was really kind and sweet. Just Echani culture and traditions were not something he would have realised in this moment.

Nodding her head, "that's... Thanks Shan, it means a lot more than you realise."

 

[Shan]

Tags: Lily Decoria

"Awesome. Mental fortitude is one of the things I'm best at. It helps with dealing with pain as well. Before Valery taught me how to work on my mind, I used to be such a crybaby with pain."

Well. That wasn't the total truth. He had always been good with pain. It came with being raised on Nar Shaddaa. But at the same time, no matter how much had been thrown at him as a kid, he always managed to bounce back. Hm...Maybe that's how he should be now. If he could bounce back from physical pain, maybe he could bounce back from the emotional pain as easily.

He listened to Lily explain things about sparring, frowning in thought for a moment. It could start a path that Shan might not want to head down? The Mirialan thought about that for a moment, staring down at the floor for a moment. He wasn't dumb. He understood what Lily meant by that. He might not have understood it in the past but he had matured...somewhat.

"...I mean, I don't mind. If you're really struggling, then I want to be here for you. If sparring helps you get your feelings out, then I am here for you. Even if it does start that path. I just..."

Once again, Shan was at a loss for words strangely, reaching a hand to the back of his neck and rubbing it in thought as he hummed and ahhed over his words. He wasn't worried about the "path" they might start. Lily was an important person in his life. He cared for her, and how she felt.

"Just...You're important. I don't want you to be stuck in your head. With all of those negative thoughts bouncing about. If it helps you get those thoughts out, then there's nothing that will stop me. If it causes us to go down "that path"...Well, I don't have a problem with it...Plus I'm not sure what you'll understand from throwing me about."

It felt like he was putting his foot in his mouth with every extra word he was saying. He wasn't exactly a chatterbox, but Shan had always put value in getting your thoughts out in words. For once, he felt like the more he talked, the more he was just going in a circle.

"I haven't been there for people recently. Ko, Cora, Colette, you. I want to make up for that."

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Coruscant
Outfit: Jedi Attire
Equipment: Crossguard Lightsaber, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Shan

Hearing that Shan was very skilled in mental fortitude and defences was perfect in learning such things in exchange for Lily helping Shan with his fighting forms. She knew it would be a skill that would improve her fighting ability in the future. Lily also did not think that Shan was ever that much of a crybaby.

When the conversation on the sparring topic continued, Lily tilted her head confused and not sure what to take from Shan since she had assumed the man had only wanted to work on being friends, close friends as much as possible but only ever friends. So the idea of him being okay with exploring something further was a surprise and took Lily aback in the moment but she shook her head further. Lily had taken one thing from the conversation that stood out as not being right. At least, not right for now.

"I don't want to explore that just because you want to help me. That's not what it is about," Lily stated, "if you want to spar like that, then do it because you want me. You want to be more than simply friends. Just doing it to appease me or make me feel better, it would never do that and it wouldn't be good for our friendship, Shan." Lily stated, she did not want Shan doing this just because he thought it would help her. She needed him to want to do it for her.

She sighed and pulled back a bit, "I am happy remaining friends and being close friends. I don't expect more than that Shan." She offered a small but genuine smile to Shan, to show that she truly meant that.

 

[Shan]

Tags: Lily Decoria

Shan hesitated for a moment as he took in Lily's words. It made sense. He shouldn't be trying to do something like that just to help. But did he want her? It wasn't something he had really thought. Shan hadn't really thought about things that way since Colette. He did like Lily. She looked great and was important to Shan in plenty of ways. But at the same time...he was still hesitant. Perhaps he didn't trust himself not to end up hurting her, or maybe he didn't trust the idea of a relationship anymore. He shook his head at that thought, letting out a long sigh.

"I...don't know right now Lily. I don't want to risk hurting you or upsetting you. So...I think waiting for you to calm down would be a better idea. For sure. That way no accidents or misunderstanding can happen. Being friends is for the best. Right now. Maybe later things might be different but...being close friends is more important."

Why were words so hard for him to use for once? This hadn't been what he was expecting to talk about when he came out to the gardens to relax but it had done its job. At least partly. He wasn't worrying about Woostri anymore, and there was a chance that he might be able to get some good sleep tonight finally. But at the same time, now he had another thing to worry about. Worried that he had put his foot in his mouth. It was hard to have a talk like this with someone you knew, or someone you cared about. The "date" he had on Zinder had been easy, since he had been playing a role.

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Coruscant
Outfit: Jedi Attire
Equipment: Crossguard Lightsaber, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Shan

The hesitation spoke far more volume than any words that Shan could offer. Lily figured that no one deeply interested would be hesitating long on proving that they were interested in her far more than simply friendship. It was something that she would never hesitate on since she was honest and willing to be bold enough to express her opinion on the matter.

"It is okay Shan." Lily stated to the Jedi Knight, she reached forward to caress his cheek then his short hair. Offering a smile, "friends, close friends, is fine." There was something that she wished to do, Lily leaned in forward and gave Shan a soft, gentle kiss on the lips. A small gesture, "something to think about till our duel then. But the decision is yours and I will be happy either way."

Lily then pulled back, allowing Shan some space as she turned around and looked at the garden around them. "I won't wait forever, I can't. But I am sure we will figure out what we wish to be soon enough." Lily gave a small grin to Shan before leaning back and looking up at the sky of Coruscant. "Any plans for the day?"

 

[Shan]

Tags: Lily Decoria

Boldness never suited Shan. He always had to think about things. Hesitate about it. Which is why he froze when he felt Lily caress his cheek. It wasn't something he had expected. And something he definitely hadn't expected was the kiss. As the Mirialan stuttered, his entire face taking on a blush as his brain seemed to malfunction for a moment. Doing his best to try and figure this out, trying to find some kind of logic in it. No. That wasn't right. He shouldn't try to think about it. Just...feel it. It was nice. A small gesture that meant a lot to him as Lily stepped back to look up at the sky.

"Not any major plans. There was meditation, Force practice...Maybe write a lesson plan for Zaiya or a group lesson..."
He stepped over towards Lily's side, mostly to look up to the sky with her. Now that he thought about it, he wasn't the greatest at making plans. He always tried to figure out what he wanted to do, but never how he wanted to do it. He kept his eyes focused on the stars, frowning in thought for a moment.

"Do you have any plans?"

 

[Lily Decoria]

Location: Coruscant
Outfit: Jedi Attire
Equipment: Crossguard Lightsaber, Hydrangea Moonblade (concealed)
Tag: Shan

"Oh, it's good that you have a Padawan. That must be a fun experience for you." Lily mentioned, thinking about the fact there was going to be a time in the near future that she would be working as a mentor to someone. It was something daunting in a way since she was not sure how well Lily would be in a teaching role. It was much easier to study and just be focused on learning.

Perhaps Lily would just avoid the teaching element. Focus on fighting and defend the lives of others. Make it so she is working a lifestyle too dangerous to bring a Padawan with her. Maybe, there was still a while till she had to be concerned on whether or not Lily was going to be a teacher.

Shrugging, "I am here mostly for a break. A chance to get away from what the Naboo setting. Not as peaceful or tranquil here like Naboo but sometimes a new setting can be a pleasant change of pace when dealing with the thoughts." Lily mentioned, not sure what she would be getting up to while spending her time here on Coruscant. "Maybe doing some sparring, meditation and studying in the archives. Still got a lot of learning to cover before I can become a Jedi Knight."

Looking at the stars, "might check out Eshan as well. Has been a while since I spent time there and had fun."