Troubles with Tutaminis

[Mereel Vaun]

Mereel remained kneeling and grimaced at the ground as Lilla spoke. He thought that he had placed his trust in the force, but in reality he had only done what he had always done before joining the Order.

While he had opened himself up freely to the forcd, he had still been weilding the force, not entrusting it to guide him. And as a force weilder, all it took was one stray thought to knock him out of balance.

As he stood back up, his resolve became stronger, but he used the same mental process that he had during his last attempt.

Another stun bolt sailed towards his hand in slow motion, but just as before, a thought penetrated his focus.

My mental process is a force wielder's, not a Jedi's

Just like the first time, the bolt impacted the palm of his hand. Unable to catch himself this time, Mereel went down hard.

A small smile was on his face as the back of his head rested in the sand. "I think I've about got it, just give me a second to get up before firing again."

[member="Lilla Syrin"]

 

[Lilla Syrin]

“Remember,” Lilla said as Mereel started his recovery from the second blast, “A wise Jedi Grand Master once said that failure was the greatest teacher. And he was right. He, and also other Jedi Masters, have always extoled the value of patience.”

“Do not be hard on yourself if you don’t succeed first time. Nor should you berate yourself if progress is slow. Anything worth having is worth the wait…worth the hard work.”

In her time as a Jedi – a relatively minor part of her life to date – she’d lived by these guidelines, and they’d served her well. And they would do the same for Mereel. And she was glad he was understanding where he could improve – and she was sure he would make the necessary changes. If not this time, the next, or the time after that.

“Ready?” she asked, as she allowed him to compose himself. “5-4-3-2-1.” And she fired once more.

[member="Mereel Vaun"]

 

[Mereel Vaun]

Failure may have been the greatest teacher, and patience was undoubtedly an invaluable trait, but what she had said earlier hadn't become any less true.

He couldn't settle for failure, in fact he had to want to succeed to the point where he was beyond any and all suspicion of it. But he doubted that he could rise to the occasion with his old mindset.

And so as he forced himself to standing with numb hands and feet he decided that he needed to abandone the conceptualization of the sails and the masts. Lilla said that he needed to trust solely in the force, but envisioning himself tapping into it in that way wasn't doing him any favors. It was still too imaginative, and far too reliant on himself to keep that picture in his mind going.

As the stun bolt flew towards him, he closed his eyes and cleared his mind of everything. He didn't imagine the sails again. Instead he just let the feeling of himself and his surroundings in the force wash over him.

With the mental device and all other delusions and fears gone, he could sense the danger of the bolt moving through the air in slow motion. His legs didn't budge an inch to dodge the threat, but right hand raised as if possessed by a mind of its own.

He felt the bolt drawing closer and closer, and in the fraction of a second before he would first start feeling it touch his hand, he channeled the force that he had felt within himself to sap in the energy at the edge of the bolt.

For a split second he felt a small amount of energy flow into him, and it absolutely thrilled him. He was pulled out of his almost meditative trance by the stun bolt that had still had the majority of its power and a massive sense of elation.

To finally get something down only to lose it all in the last second because you were so happy you had pulled it off. It was kind of tragic, but for some reason his thricely stunned self found it hillarious in a way. He was laughing through quick breaths when his kneeguards once again slammed into the sand.

Once he had calmed down a little, he brought his head up to look at Lilla, "I felt it. Just for a moment I think.. no I know that I felt it.

[member="Lilla Syrin"]

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Sabine sensed a serenity emanating from Mereel that hadn’t been there before. It was hard to explain, but the absence of thought and emotion had a signature all of its own – a serenity that was palpable, if you knew what to look for.

Some went to a place in their mind that was shut away from conscious thought. Others simply surrendered themselves to the Force so fully, that there was no room for emotion. Regardless of the technique, the result was invariably the same. Calmness led to control of one’s self – and the Force made use of the vessel presented.

For the mind had already instructed the Force what was required, and all that was therefore needed was the trust to believe the mystical energy would fulfil its side of the bargain. Which it always did – as long as you had faith in it.

Except…

99 per cent is good, but it’s not 100 per cent. And it’s the one per cent that either makes or breaks the deal. At the last moment, Lilla sensed elation and Mereel’s conscious mind looking to take back control, breaking the trust and ultimately the application of the Force.

“In time, with practice, this will become so straightforward, that you’ll be able to perform such a task and think at the same time. The two tasks will be quite disparate – your conscious mind linked to things it needs to do, like talk or reason or express an emotion. But the part that performs the will of the Force? That will remain serene – and you won’t even be able to interfere with it, even if you tried.”

“Practice, nothing else will do. Talent is a misguided notion for many who fail. It is not about raw ability, but dedication to hours of practice. No more, and no less.”

“Again,” she said, smiling as ever. “3-2-1.” And the blaster fired again.

[member="Mereel Vaun"]

 

[Mereel Vaun]

Mereel remained kneeling in recovery as he listened to Lilla. To think that one day he would be able to think and say things while using the force for tutaminis was incredible, but he didn't doubt it for a second.

He suspected that it would be some time still before he could do what she said personally, but he also knew that it was like Lilla said, it was all really just a deal of practice.

However, he hadn't been expecting his practice to be continued this early. Apparently Lilla wasn't satisfied by his previous meager display, which was somewhat good even if he couldn't feel his body parts - he hadn't been entirely satisfied with it either.

He emptied his thoughts again and closed his eyes. It wasn't really proper to call what he had done making himself 'focus' on the incoming stun bolt. It was more answering what he felt in the air through and with the force than focusing on the bolt itself.

Mereel was deep in his trance, and as a result he didn't hear R9 chirp out a warning that a ship had picked up and acknowledged their signal.

His hand raised just as the blaster bolt was fractions of a second away from hitting his main form. The force told his mind what to feel and what to do from there.

He let the force pull the energy of the stun bolt into him, and he actually managed to pull half of the energy of the stun bolt into himself before the next ordeal happened.

Finally refusing to recover so quickly from the paralysis beams, his left leg buckled and gave out from under him. His focus broke as he stumbled, and the remaining half of the stun bolt connected with his hand, which he had stopped being able to feel a long time ago.

He slowly sank towards the ground, "Almost got it, but I think my legs are a little too numb for standing at the moment. Let me prop myself up on something if we're going to keep going."

[member="Lilla Syrin"]

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Lilla sensed Mereel’s weariness and although she did not subscribe to the Sith method of training per se, there were many they did perfect.

“If you think I’m pushing you too hard, it is worth considering that your enemy won’t wait until you are fully rested and fed before attacking. There is rarely honour and chivalry dealing with the sort of people we are asked to stop. So, whereas I would agree that, fully rested, you could make an excellent next attempt, I want to see what you are capable of when under pressure. We cannot train in a bubble. The Sith do not. The first time you meet one in combat should not be the first time you’re tested in less than perfect circumstance.”

Lilla heard the warning of an incoming ship and wondered if it might affect Mereel’s concentration. Once he was familiar with the ability, it should not distract him, but right now?

Was it the bleeping or a simple drop in concentration that affected him? Lilla did not know, but she was pleased with his progress regardless.

“Good,” she said, as he crumpled to the floor. It wasn’t that she lacked sympathy, but she did not want to patronise him either. “It seems we have company. Lessons can continue later.”

[member="Mereel Vaun"]

 

[Mereel Vaun]

Laying on his back in the sand, Mereel breathed out a heavy sigh. His eyes watched his fingers as they wiggled numbly, and if he could see his toes through his armor's boots he knew they would be doing the same thing. The fact that he could no longer feel pretty much anything in his body wasn't the reason for his sigh though.

He sighed because he knew that Lilla was right. He had fought Dark Jedi in the past, and while they were not tied to the same doctrines as the Sith, they often didn't hold back or surrender. He realized that not being prepared in a fight with a fallen Jedi was just as potentially deadly as being caught unpracticed in a fight with a Sith. It was part of the reason why when Lilla said that the lessons could continue later, he began to object.

"Company? I don't sense anyone else or hear any ion engines."

The other reason being that he hadn't been satisfied with the halfway dissipated stun round, and he was as stubborn as a Graul when he wanted something. Right now, he wanted nothing more than to succeed at entirely dissipating or absorbing just one stun round.

R9 once again let out a series of chirps, but this time Mereel heard it. The astromech was warning of an approaching vessel, and if he had heard the droid's pitch correctly, the vessel was close.

But a ship that was close was different from a ship that was on the beach with them - and he still hadn't heard the ion engines or atmospheric thrusters of any starships, "We have time for one more, fire again."


[member="Lilla Syrin"]

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Lilla smiled. Maybe the arrival of a ship was premature, and maybe she’d subconsciously said it to give him a chance to rest before one arrived. There was no value in beginning their mission fatigued.

She hoped his single-mindedness was rooted in the Code and not emotion. Conquering defeatism was one thing, but the Code also spoke of conquering stubbornness.

The astromech confirmed what Lilla had stated previously – perhaps her Force sense had told her, even if the other five had not?

“Once more,” she agreed and raised the blaster. This time she didn’t count down, instead she slowly squeezed the trigger.

[member="Mereel Vaun"]

 

[Mereel Vaun]

A thrilled smile came to Mereel's face when Lilla said that she would fire again, but his elation was swiftly suppressed. Although Lilla hadn't counted down this time, his eyes gave him all the warning he needed as she began to pull back the trigger. He fell into the force again, letting it assume direct control of his actions.

Another stun bolt sailed towards him in slow motion. Without making so much as a conscious effort to do so, his hand raised to block the path of the stun round. He still couldn't feel anything as his hand moved, but it seemed oddly fitting. He had overthought the process and had become distracted by his senses too many times tonight. The near-complete removal of one of his senses not only encouraged him to fully submit himself to the force, it made him realize that it was absolutely necessary.

The force flowed through him freely as the bolt drew close, and he shut his eyes. While in reality the bolt's travel took only a second, if not less time, it felt like a full minute had passed when he reopened his eyes. The bolt was only a fraction of an inch away from his hand. He channeled the force energy around and within him down his arm and into his hand.

For a split second, his palm grew a small, invisible outer layer, a thin barrier that would only be detectable to those who were sensitive to the force. When the stun bolt entered the field of force energy, he pulled the force energy barrier back and into his palm, pulling the stun bolt energy along with it captive.

Since his hand was already numb, he couldn't tell if pulling the stun round's energy back into his hand had had any negative effects on his body, but he could clearly feel that he had drawn in more energy upon recalling the barrier than he had channeled to his arm to create the field. Having no current need for the influx of force energy, he let it slowly ebb out of him.

The sound of atmospheric thrusters resounding across the nearby waters slowly pulled Mereel back into reality, and a small grin formed on his face.

"Fourth.. fifth time's the charm?" He said, his numb tongue and lips making the words sound somewhat odd.

Admittedly, he had lost count of how many times he had failed before now.

His brain told his legs to stand, but nothing happened, "Victory's sweet, but I think whoever is coming for us is going to have to carry me up their boarding ramp."

[member="Lilla Syrin"]

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Sometimes it was too easy to overthink situations – to give someone too long to prepare, thus allowing doubt and conscious decision-making to take control, when reflex and instinct should prevail.

This was often the way when learning a new skill. Once the learner became aware of their conscious incompetence, self-doubt was a massive hurdle. Action, in this case, cured fear.

She sensed his actions as she depressed the trigger – his efforts natural and flowing, unhindered by his conscious mind – and the doubt that brought to the party.

And then, as was often the case it was over. Lilla nodded her approval as he performed the ability without flaw, absorbing and then dissipating the energy without damage to his hand – or nervous system. Plus, he’d not allowed the ship to distract him – another plus.

Lilla turned the pistol around in her hand, with the butt now facing Mereel. She walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder – pulling the Force to her and channelling it into him as Force Heal. It would return his frazzled nerve endings back to their normal state and give him a feeling of being rejuvenated.

“I think you can make that walk yourself, don’t you?”

[member="Mereel Vaun"]

 

[Mereel Vaun]

Incapable of doing anything else, Mereel patiently waited on the ground as Lilla walked over to him, raising an inquisitive eyebrow as she put a hand on his shoulder.

Starting with his shoulder, and then proceeding down through the rest of his body, feeling began working its way back into his senses. Suddenly being able to feel the weight of all of his clothing and armor made him feel a little weighed down, but he didn't feel exhausted in the slightest. Contrary to his expectations, he felt energized, and pulling himself up to his feet was a non-issue.

He bit the corner of his lip as he tried to imagine how Lilla had used the force to do what she had done, but quickly stopped himself from thinking about it. He had just been dealt a lesson in not overthinking things related to the force. To over-speculate this shortly afterward was folly. He satisfied his mind with a brief assumption that what she had done was just a form of force healing. It wasn't that far of a stretch, he had had blaster and vibroblade wounds healed by the force before, surely the force could be used in a similar manner to remove the paralysis that followed being stunned.

White pillars of light streaked across the beach towards them and the crashed starfighter and the atmospheric thrusters that he had heard earlier were now a trumpeting roar. Wind picked up on the beach around them as a shuttle bearing the markings of the Silver Jedi Order descended.

He grinned and raised his voice to a yell to compete with the sound of starship engines and rushing winds, "I guess I can now. That's pretty impressive. Granted the learning process doesn't involve me getting shot several times in a row, I'd like to learn that sometime."

The shuttle halted to a hover a few meters above the sands and a boarding ramp lowered from the vessel's main hull, setting down in the sand a stone's throw away from them. A Bothan in a flight-suit with goggles on his head stood on the edge of the ramp and waved for them, "Hosc Gaisoh, SJO airman. You two in need of a lift?"

[member="Lilla Syrin"]

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Lilla was a decent practitioner of Force Healing. She was no expert, more of a field medic – capable of knitting bones, stopping bleeding and increasing energy levels – but little more. Fortunately, the simpler the requirement, the less medical knowledge you needed, just an understanding of the need of the patient, and a faith in the Force.

Assured that Mereel would be at least part recovered, Lilla turned to face the incoming ship – in this case, a Silver Jedi craft, judging by the markings.

Hearing her Padawan’s voice, she looked at him. “It’s hard to teach unless there’s something to heal, but it doesn’t have to involve inflicting injuries. Cuts and bruises are common-place and these serve as a perfectly good wound to treat. Like most Force abilities, it’s scalable.”

The SJO airman drew her attention back to the ship. Smiling she looked at Mereel. “What do you say, do we need a lift?”

[member="Mereel Vaun"]

 

[Mereel Vaun]

Mereel glanced back at his starfighter after she asked him if they were going to take the SJO shuttle up on its offer for transport. "Would I be correct in guessing that one could use that ability on themselves after combat?"

It might've been a dumb question to ask after just using the force to dissipate stun bolts, but he felt like it was somewhat worthy of asking as his ability to actually practice it would probably prove to be limited based on her response.

R9 popped out of the starfighter's astromech droid compartment and began slowly wheeling towards them. The droid made no bloops or bleeps as it drew closer to indicate that the Iviin'yc was en route or had even acknowledged their distress beacon.

"Huh, must still be in hyperspace." He muttered to himself before looking back to Lilla, returning her smile with a slightly uncertain one of his own, "Yeah, guess we could use a ride. Where you planning on taking us?"

"Silver's Rest. Jedi Temple." The bothan glanced down at the lightsabers on their belts and at Lilla's attire, "Think you two will fit right in just fine."

Mereel nodded, but a slight frowned formed on his face for a second. Even if SJO repair crews recovered the fighter, he probably wasn't going to get his full weapon's stash back. He wasn't all that happy about doing it, but he wrote the blaster collection off as a loss and dutifully marched himself up the shuttle's boarding ramp.

[member="Lilla Syrin"]

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Lilla nodded at Mereel’s question. “Up to a point. If you were distressed though an injury, I would not advise using the Force to perform anything that might make you worse. Plus, excessive pain will interfere with your ability to connect with the Force serenely. But for pain relief or minor ailments, I’ve not come across a reason not to use it.”

Lilla noted Mereel’s disappointment that his ship was not close enough to rely on waiting for. And the offer to visit the Temple seemed a sensible one – Lila had some dealings with the Silvers, and whereas their view on dark-siders did not mirror her own, the individuals she’d met were entirely trustworthy.

She followed her Padawan onto the ramp and spoke softly as she did, “Is everything OK? You seem…distracted.”

[member="Mereel Vaun"]

 

[Mereel Vaun]

He stopped himself near the top of the ramp and chewed on the inside of his cheek for a second as he wondered how attempting to heal yourself could ever possibly make things worse than they already were. As R9 rudely brushed past him and up into the ship proper, the boarding ramp began to slowly raise now that everyone was on board or standing on the ramp. His eyes lingered on the husk of the ship until the ramp closed and prevented him from seeing it further. His hopes rested on the Iviin'yc to get to them so that they could go out and recover the ship before salvagers got to her.

Lilla's question caught him slightly off guard. His eyes shifted to look at her as soon as the question was asked, but it took his brain a few seconds to form the words needed to convey his thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm alright. Just hoping the Iviin'yc or someone from the SJO can reclaim the fighter. She's been through too much to just get left behind on some beach while still repairable. Not to mention all of the blasters that'll be wasted and left behind."

[member="Lilla Syrin"]

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Lilla’s smile grew as the droid rushed to get on board. It seemed these units tended to have a personality all of their own. But her eyes swiftly returned to Mereel. Something was troubling him. If she wanted, she could lower her defences and use her natural Empathy abilities to find out. But that would be a violation of their relationship, and she would only do that if it were a life or death situation. You learned as a Jedi that, just because you could do something, it didn’t mean you had to.

Sabine listened and nodded – in many ways it was just a ship. Nothing more than a composite of parts, fashioned to make a vessel. And, Sabine mused, it was clearly an attachment for Mereel. She considered mentioning the fact, but decided that today – at this moment in time – was not the right moment for such a conversation. So, she pulled out her datapad and connected with someone she knew within the Silver Order – a master of some note.

A few moments later, Lilla looked up to Mereel and smiled. “The Silver Order have placed a marker on the ship. If anyone thinks the can touch it, they know they’ll have to answer to them – which should put most off even trying. Plus, they’re going to send a small party here to guard it, until you can organise repairs or have it taken away.”

“As long as we don’t take too long, they’ll be glad to keep it safe.”

[member="Mereel Vaun"]

 

[Mereel Vaun]

For the umpteenth time during the night, Mereel was stunned. He knew the Jedi Code, painfully well, in fact. He also knew what his ships were, what his blasters were, what his armor was. He had joined the Jedi Order far too late in life. He had far too many years to realize and solidify his own ideals, too many years to acquire possessions and form bonds with them.

He knew the things that were and the things that weren't attachments in his life, but he had learned the Jedi Code so late into his life that it was difficult to even think about getting rid of the attachments he had. It didn't help that he had been a bit of a hoarder before joining the order - most of the blasters stowed under his ship hadn't been fired in years, even though he kept them clean.

Mereel had expected Lilla to chastise him, but she hadn't. Although he wasn't quiet sure why she did what she did, when he finally came out of his stupor, the gesture brought a warm smile onto his face.

"Thank you. You really didn't have to do that."

He really didn't know what else to say to thank her for what she had done, but the gesture meant a great deal to him. "Don't worry, I'm sure the Iviin'yc will be here soon enough." He said, still somewhat uncertain of it himself. The vessel really should've beaten them here, something about it felt awry to him, but there was nothing they could do about it in the moment.

[member="Lilla Syrin"]

 

[Lilla Syrin]

"You'll find that, in life, it is the things that we don't have to do that matter. By the same token, a Jedi is not a hero - for what they do is prescribed by the Code. It is others, in my opinion, who choose to risk all for a noble, cause - they are the true heroes."

"But for now," Lilla said, "We can do little. I have to admit I am surprised that, not only did we get here first, but that we have had no word from the Iviin'yc. Which could mean nothing, or could be important. Unfortunately, we will require time to determine which it is. Which is why it is a good thing that Jedi are patient, after all."

"Now, you could spend the time meditating, or did you have any other plans in mind?"

[member="Mereel Vaun"]

 

[Mereel Vaun]

To him it was a quaint way of saying 'you're welcome', but the lesson and belief clad words were undeniably hers because if it.

Growing up with the only somewhat-untraditional Mandalorian beliefs taught to him by his father, Mereel could safely say that he had never really viewed the Jedi as heroes before during his life. And yet, now that he was a member among their ranks, he thought he could see a small level of heroicness - perhaps one that Lilla didn't see because she hadn't been given the choice to do things like he had in his life.

"And following the Code isn't a noble cause? I can hardly think of anything more sacrificing if someone chooses to adhere to it properly."

Mereel sighed as he pondered the situation with the Iviin'yc. He could do patience like most Jedi, but he wasn't about to sit about on his thumbs if there was a chance he could do something to figure out what was going on.

"Think I'm going to try to get out a message on a hyperspace transceiver as soon as we get back to the Silver's rest, but after that meditation sounds in order."

[member="Lilla Syrin"]

 

[Lilla Syrin]

Lilla considered herself lucky – not that she actually believed in ‘luck’ but the sentiment was broadly the same. Born into – or rather, her life began with – slavery, despite running away and managing to eke an existence as a pauper, she always had a moral compass that guided her. And the good fortune? It was entirely congruous with the Jedi Code.

Lilla wondered if this was the real reason Jedi training began so early. Maybe it was less about attachments and more to do with life philosophy? Having to unlearn things, or see things from a different viewpoint must be a challenge.

“I don’t see the Code as noble per se,” Lilla replied, “Not in any grand way. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. I have never had anything, so in being a Jedi, I’ve never faced a point of having to give anything up. So, for me at least, there is no sacrifice. For others, maybe there is an element of forfeit? Something to therefore be lauded? Maybe?”

Lilla’s eyes gave away the fact she was deep in thought. And when she spoke, it was as if she was voicing feelings, as opposed to conducting a conversation.

“I believe in the Code. Or at least, to be entirely objective and entirely accurate, one of the tens – if not hundreds – of variants that existed today. Most of the tenets are a given, but interpretation and evolution has spread the single path into many. They all lead to the light-side, I am sure, but no one trail is the right one. Not truly. They all are.”

“And too many, very well-intentioned, Jedi have wasted far too much time debating the merits and demerits of each pathway. Not that I am advocating that the end justifies the means. Far from it. But consider this, I am equally sure that the means should not be debated if you lose sight of the end.”

Her eyes re-focused. “Musings. It’s something I do a lot, especially when meditating. Which isn’t going to help us find the Iviin’yc, is it?”

[member="Mereel Vaun"]