We could be Heroes

[Liam Quez]

I could have caught her, but something told me that she needed that space. I stopped running and made my way back to the ship. I knew it wouldn’t take off, mostly because she didn’t know how to make it take off. If she decides to get rid of me, I’ll teach her to pilot – I couldn’t stomach someone replacing me, I couldn’t handle it. The thought of someone else doing what I promised to do for her made me sick to my stomach or was it twisting in knots because of what I did. I headed up the ramp and entered the ship, it was quiet and I could hear faintly her sobs despite her trying to muffle them into the bedding.

Hands made contact with my face, I slapped myself over and over again. How stupid was I? I shouldn’t have done that to her, she was different and I knew this. Fists rested against my eyes as I did my best to gather my thoughts, I could just have the ship take off and let us linger in space, but what if she decided to kick me off – the girl is determined to do what her mind is set out to do. I don’t want to be set free in the middle of space. So I decided to remain grounded. Staring at her door for a few minutes drove me insane – it felt like a life time. I needed to fix this, I had to fix this. My feet felt heavy as I walked to her door.

Knocking softly I waited to let her realize that I was outside her door. Fingertips pressed against the door as I tried my best to convey how I felt – hell I didn’t even know how I felt, but I did know that I was sorry. “Ibaris? Please can we talk about this?”

[member="Ibaris Varanin-Jacobs"]

 

[Ibaris Varanin]

She knew he would, knew he'd come knocking. He didn't seem to know when to leave well enough alone. She breathed in sharply, trying in vain to stifle the sobs, and her fists furled tighter around the sheets. If anyone messed up, it was her.

"Liam..." she started, voice small and scratchy, "...I..."

Another sob choked, and she bit back a scream of raging, frustrated upset, drawing in a shuddering breath.

"...I'm sorry, Liam. I..."

She pressed her wadded fists against her face, into her eyes. She couldn't say it. Too much shame. Too much.

"...please just leave me alone. Please, Liam."

[member="Liam Quez"]

 

[Liam Quez]

I didn’t need to be some empath to know she was upset, I could just feel it. It was like a sixth sense that I developed by being around her. She just called me her pilot and that’s all I was, but we did everything together for the most part. I always tend to screw things up with Ibaris, things are going great for weeks and then I do something stupid because I can’t think with the right brain. My fist rested on the door, I wanted to break it down so she would at least look at me. In the back of my head I could hear her warning and I knew that if I broke the door somehow magically she would probably destroy me.

So instead I rested my forehead against it and sighed softly. I didn’t understand girls even though I’m the youngest with two older sisters. They weren’t like this, they didn’t -- nevermind they did. Dad always said to be honest and to treat girls with more respect than anything, did I break that rule dad? Remembering the warnings I stood straight up and looked over my shoulder, knowing my luck the old man would burst through the door and hit me so hard he launched me into space. After making sure Dad wasn’t around the corner, I focused on how to fix this. I wasn’t going to leave her alone - I don’t care what she said.

My fist opened and I rested my palm against the door, “No, Ibby, I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have, I don’t know boundaries and me not listening to you now is a perfect example of my issue with boundaries.” I smiled and hoped maybe somewhere under her tears she was agreeing with me. “I just...I saw an opportunity and I took it. I’ve...I’ve always wanted to kiss you and honestly I.” I paused I didn’t know where I was going with this and how any of this was making it better. “You have nothing to be sorry about, I deserved it.”


[member="Ibaris Varanin-Jacobs"]

 

[Ibaris Varanin]

What she almost said: Why can't you take a hint?

What she actually said:

"Maybe... I hope someday you'll be able to understand what I've done, what I could have done," in a small voice, while she wiped her eyes still, an exhausted, heavy sigh escaped her, "Nobody deserves that, Liam. Nobody good deserves that."

She flopped back on the bed and turned away from the door.

"But I'm not ready to talk," she said, "I need to think. I need to a lot. Please let me do that."

[member="Liam Quez"]

 

[Liam Quez]

I knew she wasn’t going to open the door, she couldn’t even let me try and fix this. She kept blaming herself for some reason, I don’t get why. She did do some crazy force thing in my head, but don’t all force users do that? I stared at the door for a long time, I knew she needed the time away from me, but I didn’t want to give her too much space. A part of me wanted to break the door down still, but again I fought the urge. There was a beeping echoing close by and I left to check the ship’s systems. Something had been picked up by the radar, but as I looked it was nothing serious. Quickly reworking the autopilot, I had it focus on a nearby port – we’d make it there in a few days time.

The autopilot would be fine and I flipped on the ship’s stealth camouflage – we’d be safe now. I wasn’t allowed to do more for her, the least I could do was insure her safety as she thought. Heading back to the door I sat down in front of it and stared. If only I had the force, I could possibly understand what she was going through and what she was talking about. Leaning forward I pressed my forehead to the cold steel door and sighed softly. I’d give her the time she needed, but I had to say one thing before I started my silent watch.

“Whatever is bugging you about what you did. I forgive you, I trust you Princess…” Closing my eyes, I remained leaning against the door. Once again, I’d sleep uncomfortable.

[member="Ibaris Varanin-Jacobs"]

 

[Ibaris Varanin]

In that night with both Adas and [member="Liam Quez"] sharing guard duty over her door, sleep somewhat elusive, she had accomplished a great deal of thought, and had sent a message that would hopefully dictate the path of her life for a while. All she was waiting for was a response and after accounting for the time difference between the Peregrine’s present location and there, sleep took her for the longest stretch that she managed that night.

She hoped it was the right thing to do. That message, after all, was getting a ball rolling that had been put in place since she was no more than seven years old, the first time she met [member="Quietus"].

----------------------------

Sometime the next morning, over breakfast…

Thus far, she’d communicated in grunts and the barest possible level of eye contact. He managed to force a word or two out of her where grunts couldn’t convey what needed conveying, but otherwise the table was weighed down with a thick silence as waffles, eggs, and nuna bacon were consumed. Soon enough she laid her fork and knife on the plate with a controlled, soft couple of clinks, and lifted her gaze to look at the guy across the table from her who was bent over his food in a morose manner.

“I need to be on Onderon,” she said, breaking the silence, “In three days’ time.”

And she watched for a reaction, which didn’t take long to occur.

 

[Liam Quez]

The request for nuna eggs wasn’t as odd as I hope they would have been. Ibby liked her eggs and I felt like that’s all I had been making for some time. Either way, she requested nuna eggs for breakfast so I delivered especially after yesterday and the evening after. Sitting down I ate my own eggs and watched her devour hers, I asked simple questions, mostly because I wasn’t a fan of eating in silence. I still felt terrible and my back and neck were sore from the way I slept last night. I don’t suggest ever sleeping at the door of a girl, who doesn’t want you there because trust me - she’ll leave you there.

Finally, she spoke more than a grunt and my eyes narrowed slightly. She wanted to go somewhere that was on the other side of the damn galaxy and in 3 days. Of course I could deliver, but still. I shoveled some more eggs into my mouth as I tried to think of a reason why she would want to go to Onderon. I couldn’t get into her head like she could get into mine so I had to do it the old fashioned way and just ask. “Why Onderon? I can get you there in 3 days, it's going to be hard, but I can do it.” Putting my fork down I decided to try and stay light hearted. A smile spread across my face as eggs clung to my pathetic excuse for peach fuzz.

“What are we going to do on Onderon?”


[member="Ibaris Varanin-Jacobs"]

 

[Ibaris Varanin]

"What am I going to do," she said, clarifying, and she looked down at her plate for a couple of minutes before moving on, "you can't come, Liam."

She sighed, and clasped her hands together, putting a clamp down on the rising nerves. This wasn't as easy as she had convinced herself it would be, no matter how absolutely certain she was that this needed to happen. She started talking again before he could get a word in edgewise.

"I've decided it's time to start training to be a Master of Beasts," was the reason she gave him and while it was true (and nothing he had ever seen fit to tell him about), it was only half the reason why, "I've wanted this since I was a kid, and the Beastia agrees that I'm ready."

A wavering quirk of positive expression touched on her lips for a moment.

"Five wasn't an appropriate age, and neither was seven," she went on, "though apparently that was just fine for alchemy."

Yeah, she was starting to ramble to avoid talking about it. Her mind was made up, and she just needed to get away to deal with everything that happened and everything that was happening. She raked a hand through her unkempt, just-rolled-out-of-bed hair, and tried her hardest not to look at all sheepish. Part of her felt bad. A huge part, and the bad was very bad, but the farmboy just didn't seem to be able to grasp her perspective.

"I mean, alchemy has its uses..."

And she continued to rattle on.

[member="Liam Quez"]

 

[Liam Quez]

I stopped eating when she stated that I wouldn’t be going. I felt uneasy about the entire situation and when I felt uneasy there was a legit reason for it. Knuckles began to turn white as I gripped my knife and fork tightly. There wasn’t anything I could say, if she said I wasn’t going there wasn’t going to be an argument about it. Her mind was made up and I had to live with it. I continued to let her ramble on and on about alchemy. First thing that popped into my head was how cool metal arms would be. I could punch things and they would burst into bits of dust. After that thought passed through my mind I remembered that she was going to be doing something alone - hopefully that Adas would be there.

Even then, I wondered if that dog beast thing would be enough. My fists relaxed and I took in a deep breath. “If you’re so determined to do this alone - I’m going to at least make sure you get to where you’re going in one piece.” There was a different tone to my voice, I wasn’t playing around - I was more than serious. If anything happened to her while I was off playing on the ship, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself - I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I flexed instantly, “About your alchemy...you think you could turn these bad boys into big guns?” [member="Ibaris Varanin-Jacobs"]

 

[Ibaris Varanin]

She let out a long breath, a deep sigh.

"It's not that I'm determined to do this alone," it's that I need to be alone, "you just can't come. Getting me there? Fine. But I need you to take care of the Peregrine and help the Pack until..."

She blinked. He wanted what now? She shook her head, sure she'd misheard him, but when she looked at him again, his face carried very canine-like expectation on it... or at least her many years of time with Adas led her to make that comparison. She looked at his arms, then at his face again, and frowned.

"...no."

She settled into the back of her chair and crossed her arms.

[member="Liam Quez"]

 

[Liam Quez]

I continued to flex looking at my biceps and everything else that made my arm look pretty buff. I’ve gotten to the point where when I punch one of the bags in the training room, dust or chalk sprays off. I gotta teach the dog how to hold a holocam so I can record it and post it on the net. I finally looked her way and she seemed displeased with my request. I dropped my arms as she said one thing about the whole situation. All she gave me was a no.

Jaw dropped and I sat there slightly dumbfounded. First she told me I couldn't go on the trip and now she tells me I can’t have metal arms?! What is this galaxy coming too?! I returned her look and I sat there trying to rack my brain for a good excuse as to why she should do this. “I want metal arms. They would be so cool, I wouldn’t need to carry a weapon. I could punch walls and they would just turn into dust.” I placed my palms on the table and stood up. Leaning forward slightly and getting nuna eggs on my white tank top, I spoke emphasizing the last bit. “Turn. To. Dust.” Sitting back down I crossed my arms and looked at her from the corner of my eye. “I’d be able to protect you better.”

[member="Ibaris Varanin-Jacobs"]

 

[Ibaris Varanin]

A slow blink, she wrapped her arms tighter around herself, and brought one leg up to perch the heel on the edge of the chair between her legs.

"I can't, Liam," she said, admitting her present limitations, "I can't do that yet..."

She shook her head, her brow furrowed, her mouth a firm line, her eyes squeezed shut.

"...and I wouldn't even if I could."

Her eyes opened and she looked right at him, square in the eyes, when she went into explaining.

"Inorganic alchemy's easiest, and I can do that a bit. Organic alchemy is more difficult, and alchemizing living organic matter is... painful for the subject, Liam."

She drew her other leg up to join the first one, and wrapped her arms around both.

"Very. Painful. So I can't, and I won't, and I'm sorry."

And there were other reasons to her 'no', ones she just couldn't say.

[member="Liam Quez"]

 

[Liam Quez]

There was something odd about her reaction, I had expected her to call me names or storm off. She seemed to care about how I would feel during everything which caught me off guard. I sat back in my seat and watched her as she sat there holding herself. Every fiber of my being urged to stand up and hold her, but I knew my place. I had to stay where I was and away from her.

I kept pushing the subject, but not as hard as I wanted too. I needed to make myself clear about why I wanted this done. “Ibaris. I can take it.” Standing, I started to clear the plates, I put whatever was empty into the sink to be washed. I let my previous statement sink in for a moment and then I continued. “Knowing that I didn’t do everything in my power to make sure you were safe is more painful than any physical pain I could endure.”

Sighing softly, I ran my hand through my blonde hair. It rested on the back of my neck as I broke eye contact with her. “I remember distinctively that you hired me because you needed to find a pilot who wasn’t a coward. I’m a Mando, I can take anything thrown my way. Just remember that.”

[member="Ibaris Varanin-Jacobs"]

 

[Ibaris Varanin]

I know.

The things she couldn't say.

"And one day you'll regret it."

The words were not at all as soft as they should have been, sending her cringing when she realized; she stood and splayed her hands on the tabletop, leaning forward a tad. The words may have been short on civility, but they were in-line with the growing disquiet at her core, the anger that made her worry about where it might go, and made her body scream to escape it, ripples of the squirm seeming to crawl under her skin.

"One day you'll regret it, when you can't feel a thing."

And she pushed off the tabletop, rounding the corner of it and heading for the door, swerving to avoid him on her way, the coming wet burning at her eyes... only she stopped, fingers curled around the doorframe, her back to the room and to him.

"Three days, Liam," she said in a low, strained, pleading whisper, "three days, please."

Then she slipped from the doorway, and left him behind for elsewhere on the Peregrine.

[member="Liam Quez"]

 

[Liam Quez]

“I regret nothing!” I shouted, I had raised my voice slightly, but this time I yelled it. I don’t know why I needed to put this statement through her head. The girl was stubborn, far stubborn than any girl or woman I have met in my life. Made me wonder if that’s why she was alone when I met her and why she’s always alone, besides the dog and me now. She continued avoiding me at every turn. I focused hard on scrubbing the plates and not breaking them. I wanted to, my fingers curled around the lip of the plates and I wanted to break them. She was so frustrating, acting as if she knew the future and assuming she knew what I was going to think.

She spoke again and I didn’t look at her, I finished the last plate and placed it on the drying rack. Her voice strained as it pleaded with me. Three days, I wouldn’t be with her for three days. Parts of me knew this was a terrible idea, we were both in a weird place, but she needed the time away from me. Maybe I had regrets, I couldn’t tell her that though not after my masculine defiance in making sure she knew I regretted nothing. I sighed softly, the pounding of my heart threatened to burst through the front of my chest. Never looking at her, I answered. “Okay, three days…” I wanted to mention that I wasn’t sure if I was going to be here after those three days. She would be out a pilot and stranded on that planet until she hired a new one. I wanted to tell her mostly in hopes of making her hurt, but I remembered that the pain she was feeling was because of me.

I already hurt her. Maybe I did regret something or was it that I wanted to regret it? Moving towards the small pilot’s chair I threw my blanket aside and sat down. I needed to get her there as soon as possible, mostly to avoid saying anything that I would regret more than kissing her. I inputed the coordinates that were on the galaxy map and the Peregrine jumped into hyperspace. It wouldn’t be long till we arrived, I sat there with the tips of my fingers against my lips. I had felt something when I kissed her – I don’t know exactly, but it was something. It fueled whatever desire I had to protect her, the thought of not seeing her for three days or more drove me insane. I wouldn’t leave her on the planet, but I wouldn’t dare say I’d be waiting for her. My hand fell from my lips and I looked back towards the direction of her room.



Couple of days later…

I didn’t sleep well, honestly I never slept well in this chair or the floor or even the training room. I had gotten used to it really. We had fallen out of hyperspace and were making the landing route to the planet in question that Ibaris had requested to go to. We were pulled in and soon were being refueled and checked in the hanger. I hadn’t spoken to her in a few days and I hadn’t seen her wandering the ship. I made my way towards her door, my bare feet sticking slightly to the chilled ground of the ship. Stopping at her door I paused. I wondered if she would yell at me or just ignore me as she left. Frowning I knew she as probably counting down the days till she could get off this ship and away from me.

Doing my best to not show how much that thought bothered me, I knocked quietly on her door. “Princess we’re here. They just finished inspections and we’re clear…you’ve made contact with the people you’re meeting up with?” Why in the Force name would she tell me any of that? She barely told me anything anymore. Grumbling, I turned my back on the door and pulled a pair of socks out of my pocket and slipped them on, then slipped my feet back into the leather boots I usually wore. For some reason I waited somewhat near her door – I just wanted to see her, mostly to make sure she was still alive.

Exactly, just to make sure she was still alive.

[member="Ibaris Varanin-Jacobs"]

 

[Ibaris Varanin]

She hadn't been sleeping well either, but guilt could do that.

"Yeah."

Sitting already for hours on the side of her bed, pack already prepared, she had been thinking a lot. Thinking in circles, as she had been doing for days. Sleep had been elusive, coming only in snippets. She groaned, forcing herself to her feet, and collected her bag; she shot Adas a glance, tipping her head up and to the side in a way that said 'come', and went for the door. Bleary eyes took in the farmboy for the first time in three days, and a yawn pealed out of her.

"Caf," she uttered in monotone, "we have caf, right?"

And she padded past him, making for the galley.

[member="Liam Quez"]

 

[Liam Quez]

I looked up at her as she wandered by, her monotone gave way to how she was feeling. Which was obviously tired and unenthused that I was here. Except to get her caf of course. Like a good boy though, I knew the girl needed the caf and I had brewed some only moments before I had knocked on her door. Pouring the caf into a mug and dropping a few cubes of sugar into it I walked my way towards her, well I followed her into the galley. For being tired she walked quickly. Finally getting close enough I offered the caf.

“Here. Good morning to you too.” Don’t let her know you missed her, don’t look at her – go past her. Which I did, I didn’t make eye contact with her. I walked past her after giving her the caf and did by best to seem uninterested in her business here. The last thing that needed to happen was for me to care and her to be unmoved by it – or worst feel the complete opposite. I took a sip of my warm water and lemon, my eyes moved everywhere around the general area except towards her. “You have everything ready to go…” My voice showed my concern along with the emotion tied to missing someone.

Fething hell, now she knows I’m going to miss her, hopefully she’s as thick headed as she is stubborn. Especially with emotions and picking up on other’s emotions.


[member="Ibaris Varanin-Jacobs"]

 

[Ibaris Varanin]

She accepted the caf, being on autopilot, and muttered a greeting in return while she stirred the sugar in; she lifted the mug and just let the scent waft up and into her nasal passages, which put a tired, grateful groan out from between her loosely closed lips. A sip of the warm, stimulating beverage was taken, and she finally did something neither of them had done yet this morning, much less in the past few days: she looked up at him through her eyelashes as she swallowed.

"Thank you," she said.

All before turning and making for one of the seats at the table, dropping her pack on the floor before lowering herself into her usual place, deflating in one go, and drinking her caf quietly. Adas padded up to her and installed himself next to her chair. The silence remained as such, until...

"Don't wait for me. I don't know how long this is going to take, and the Pack could use your help," she started, lowering the mug to the table, "you're..."

She sighed a heavy sigh, the weakest of smiles pulling down at the centre of her lips, a tad forced.

"...you're a good pilot," she assured, "and... and I'll be okay."

Just keep pushing.

"I'll be okay."

She nodded, and lifted the mug again for another gulp.

[member="Liam Quez"]

 

[Liam Quez]

Confusion took over my face as I looked at her. It was a rare occasion that she complimented me. I’d have to record this in my holodiary. Trying not to make a big deal about it, I adjusted my shirt and then finished off the mug I was drinking. I had to trust her with this entire thing, even though I didn’t like the feeling I was getting in my gut. Today felt off and it felt even more off by the way she complimented me. Her tone and just the general feeling of the situation made it seem like she was saying good bye forever or something.

My hand found its way to the back of my head, I scratched it lightly still confused at what to say. I held the empty mug by its handle at my side. It was just awkward, I didn’t like the feeling I had right now and I wanted to just get away from this room and away from her. Though that was only a part of me that wanted to do that. The other part of me wanted to demand that I go with her, that I at least walk her to where she was supposed to be meeting her friend or whatever. The awkward part of me won for the most part.

“Sounds good, I’ll probably just resupply and then leave. Guess I’ll be back whenever you decided to message me.” I didn’t my best to remain nonchalant about the entire matter. “Good luck” I waved and left the room and headed towards the bathroom to get ready. I had to be quick, because my mind was quickly made up. I was going to stay planet side and I was going to make sure she got to whoever she was meeting up with safely. I’m not just going to let her mosey around a planet that I know nothing about, she hired me to pilot for her and with that she hired a body guard – she just didn’t know it yet.

[member="Ibaris Varanin-Jacobs"]

 

[Ibaris Varanin]

Sometime after 'I'd Squeeze the Lemons in Your Eyes, If I Could'...

She never felt so glad, so relieved to see her parents as she was when they found her. Putting up a strong, brave front wasn't a problem, but underneath the surface she was shaken and the experience of being forcefully taken against her will had dispelled the way she was accustomed to being protected, so accustomed that it was a thing she forgot about, a thing she took for granted, a thing that made her believe that she didn't need protecting because she never saw it.

It was the very first time in her life that she was alone, and she got kidnapped; if not for her friends, if not for Liam... she had no idea how much longer it would have been. All those times she dismissed his need to tag along, to watch over her, being more concerned for his safety? Every memory of every instance beat her over the head for what a fool she was and a few weeks home on Annaj gave her time to feel strong again, and to be angry at herself for yet another reason beyond what led her to do what she could to escape the farmboy in the first place; she was mortified and embarrassed, to boot, but those were things that were easier to dispel. In the end, it had only become that much harder to forgive herself, but that didn't affect the fact that there was someone to whom she owed a considerable apology.

And an explanation, if he would let her.

For the first time since the conclusion of the incident, she left the home she shared with her Mama and Papa and made her way to where the Peregrine was docked; she'd been told it was where he was, but upon reaching the bottom of the ramp, which was down, she couldn't bring herself to ascend. Her own damned ship, and she was stalling on the simplest of things, in not boarding. She looked up the ramp and into the vessel, but saw nothing. Not even Adas, who had been forcibly removed to the Peregrine when he kept getting in the way of those that tried to get near her. Liam, it seemed, was someone Adas felt a bond to, now, as the girl would find out. Ibaris sighed.

"Liam?" she said, with a slightly raised voice... but there was nothing. So another attempt: "Liam?!" she yelled.

She must've looked a fool, but it was the least of her concerns.

[member="Liam Quez"]