Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

[Connor Harrison]

Connor rolled up his sleeves and rubbed his hands as he thought over the suggestion from Kyra, her hound keeping her busy with copious amounts of attention. While he wanted to get back to the fold, there was no drive to rush to the Sanctum. He had become estranged from everyone there; the self-titled Rogue Master wasn’t closer to the truth. It was doubtful he’d ever be a fully-fledged Jedi Master, squeaky clean with no rough edges, but then, if he did, that wouldn’t be Connor.

There was no rush, and no apparent demand or urgency for him to return. Nobody asked for him, nobody called for him, nobody requested him.

”Sounds good to me. I tell you what, on the way in, I came in South from Star Point. Have you seen the Graveyard of the Giants? What am I saying, of course you would have!”

He turned and leant on the window sill, watching the girl and her hound.

”Looks amazing. A broken jigsaw to the past. And yes I’m happy to stay on, whatever you need.”

Connor indicated with his head.

”Come on then – let’s get going. I’m hungry.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Kyne was indeed showered with attention from the moment he entered the house. She fussed behind his ears, even lowering herself into a crouch. The only companion she'd had for the past couple of years. Looking up toward Connor she smiled a bit and shook her head.

"You know, in all the time I've been here I've never once visited. I always got sidetracked."

Perhaps that was something for them to do while she waited for her house to sell. It would be nice to explore with him again, Star Point had been fun but very short lived in her opinion.

Standing back up to her full height, she wiped her hands on her trousers and walked toward the kitchen in order to fill up the pup's food and water bowls. Of course she had food in for him, even though she had none in for herself!

"We should go there before we leave."

Checking that everything was in order with a scan of the room, Kyra then turned and gestured to the door.

"Lets go!" she exclaimed, with a grin to boot. It was nice to have company.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor moved outside and waited for an overly-excited Kyra. He blew out a breath as the humidity hit him from the cool interior. Thankfully he had a light navy shirt on rolled up and light trousers to help traverse the planet. It wasn’t dangerous as far as planets go, but it all helped deal with the heat. When she caught up, Connor started talking again.

”I’m surprised you haven’t paid it a visit. It’s a few klicks over from Star Point and it’s riddled with skeletons of fighters, cruisers and those Imperial walker machines. Very creepy.”

Cratertown wasn’t far down from where Kyra lived, and it was sparse enough to walk though without paying too much attention.

”So you like my new look, hm?” He turned his head slightly to her. ”Does it make me look older? I mean, in a bad way? Be honest.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Kyra stepped out into the open air and grinned; the view was beautiful, it took her breath away every time, and a sense of euphoria spread through her at the thought of sharing it with her best friend. Out of nowhere she half hugged and half squeezed his arm and sighed contently.

"You know how it is when you settle down somewhere new. At first you explore a lot, as if it's a holiday, but quickly you slip into the motions of every day life."

She shrugged, and for once didn't let her thoughts drag down her mood.

"We definitely should visit though! I've seen a lot of felled ships near Star Point, salvaged from a few of them too."

Wandering down the hill, following the trail which led to Cratertown, Kyra turned her gaze across to Connor as he spoke about his new look.

"You could turn up with a Sarlacc on your head and I wouldn't care" she retorted, sticking her tongue out playfully. "Though I'd make sure you were alright and that it wasn't nomming on you or anything."

Feeling rather hyper at this moment, high on life, Kyra reached out for his hand and tugged him along the path.

"No it doesn't look bad. You look different, but it's good. It suits you."

Then she sighed, as the town came properly into view. "I've missed you, Connor, don't be a stranger, alright?"

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

”Oh, well…that’s good that is!”

Shaking his head with laughter, Connor took her hand and let her lead the way down, working out the compliment form her obscure comparison to the beasts that looked like a exploded space slug. They went a few steps further, into the town outskirts, and Connor pulled back to let a couple of meandering swoop bikes pass by. In that time he squeezed her hand.

”I told you I’m not going anywhere. A few things came up when I left here last that I had to sort out – facial grooming and my style not one of them – but life is calm now, I’m doing ok. I won’t be a stranger.”

He then continued the walk through the units into the town.

”I get conflicted feelings from you still y’know. Not in a bad way, but for me it makes me worry that you…that you have no confidence in yourself. And you should. Am I close, or am I way off. Correct me if I’m wrong of course!”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

"Don't you dare look back, Connor Harrison."

For a second she turned serious, her gaze lingering over to him as she clutched his hand and pulled him closer. Her eyes stared at him, intense and studious, as they halted to let the bikes pass. She kept her hand in his even after he gave it a tight squeeze, tilting her head to one side.

"I mean it, you keep your eyes forward; keep them on the future. Don't linger in whatever was, do not let it weigh you down."

He didn't have to say anything for her to know, for her to realise that he had faced many trials in the past two months. It was writ upon his expression, despite the charming smile which had settled there.

She listened as he tried to psyche her out, giving a slight shrug of her shoulders. Then without warning the seriousness left her, as she once again tugged him along down the streets toward the cantina.

"Don't be worrying over me, you fool, when have I ever not been fine?"

Okay, so maybe there was that one time... Or was it two times? It didn't matter. Instead she got caught up on the initial part of his statement, the mixed signals. Kyra bit her lip and peered away, feigning intense interest in one of the stalls she passed by every day, selling the same wares it always had, as she tried to avoid his stare. Her hand, however, tightened in his despite this.

"Well, if there's anything you want to know all you have to do is ask."

She knew that probably wasn't what he'd been getting at. Connor was her greatest friend, the only person in the entirety of the Galaxy who made her heart flutter and her stomach flip with butterflies. But she couldn't just outright say as much. He held her hand now - a gesture which made her insides all fuzzy and warm - but for all she knew it was little more than a friendly approach. He probably just viewed her as an old friend, someone he barely knew anymore, or worse a sister.

Time had stood still for Kyra over the past ten years, little had changed, but for Connor? It seemed as if he had led quite the adventurous lifestyle. His eyes would not be on her, she knew.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Doing just what Kyra said, eyes front, Connor kept his gaze forward, watching the makeshift streets and units before them as they walked hand in hand, lazily swinging gently between the pair. She was right, of course, he had maintained a grip on the past trying to put things right, without looking too far ahead.

But he never did, because he ended up in pain when he looked too far forward. Things never worked out as he may have liked, so day by day was the best way. Was he living, or existing? He didn’t know.

”Look, don’t talk to me like I can’t read you or don’t know you. All the glances away, the frown on your brow, the wandering eyes. You’re avoiding what’s eating you up. Then when it’s too late, you’ll feel worse, or you’ll be ill, or something.”

The saw the cantina Kyra had shown them last time, and Connor led the way, a couple of small droids tinkering on the track next to them.

”I don’t want to pry, but I do, because this just doesn’t seem like…you. You seem so closed up. And no, Force tricks and all that nonsense can be used to probe your mind but I never will – it’s your mind, and I will never trespass there, Jedi or not.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Her thumb flexed over the top of his hand as they walked through the lazy streets of Cratertown; it was a far cry from what it had once been, even in just the ten years she had lived there developments had left it feeling a little less of a wasteland. But it was no Coruscant, heck it wasn't even Tatooine.

Connor turned serious as their journey led them toward the Cantina. Kyra pulled him to a halt, not wanting to make a scene inside; she knew the people who worked there, not that such would matter soon anyway if she left. And she would leave.

"You're right, it is eating me up" she said, finally looking up at him. Her gaze was, for just a second, intense.

Kyra shook her head, then with a disgruntled sigh she shoved her shoulder against his. Did she have to spell it out?

She lifted her hand, their hands since she was still holding his, and settled her head against their entwined fingers. Another exhale of breath, this time less of a sigh and more resignation.

"You are everything to me, you know? I don't even know the words to explain it, but it's true. You make me feel all weird inside, but good-weird."

Kyra shrugged and awkwardly shifted her gaze around his face so as not to look him directly in the eye.

"Ever since that day you tried to crush me in the scrapyard. Made worse by the way you protected me from the Space Witch. I get it, you've moved on since those days. But I haven't, and I feel the same way now as I did then; you could disappear for years and it wouldn't change."

Color rose in her cheeks, and Kyra once again tugged on his hand to try and get them moving toward the Cantina. She had said her piece, though it had been more than difficult to do so. She wished she could just take back the words and hide them back inside her mind again, but they were out there now. Exposed for the world to see.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Somehow Connor thought as much he’d be the issue, but not quite to what extent. He had been nothing but unlucky in attraction to the opposite sex – Corvus…well, that was now nothing but comical and rather upsetting how it had ended. Taeli seemed to have been a rebound from said Corvus and she hadn't really spoken to him much since his return. Chastity had fallen prey to the Sith and Primeval forces. A brilliant track record.

Out of them all, Chastity was the only one who had filled Connor with faith in himself to love and be loved, and it was taken away before it had managed to fully bloom.

As Kyra went to move with him, he stood his ground and pulled back on her hand – she had avoided looking at him during her admission so he wasn’t going to let her hide away again. To benefit herself, she needed to face up to what she had said, now and into the future. To have that confidence and assured stance that made people know she believed in herself and her outlook, and nothing and no-one was going to make her back down.

”Hey, relax will you?” Truth was, he was a little shocked, but always very grateful to warrant the admiration of another. ”Yeah I’ve moved on, grown up, but we all have – the galaxy has. I’m still me though, still that reckless brat you saw in the scrapyard and the one who stood beside you against Vi’dreya.”

Surprising how he still remembered the Sith’s name, after so many years – Kyra was a key to all his past encounters.

”I’m glad I can make you feel…weird and things, you deserve to feel happy and good. I told you, I won’t be a stranger, so don’t worry about telling people what you feel at the time, ok? Nothing bad will come of it. Alright?”

He took a few steps forward, him leading.

”Now do you want to go in, or not?”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Kyra stared at him after he had spoken; this time it was she who stopped him, shaking her head.

"You're telling me to be open, yet you come out with the most generic spiel possible? Nothing bad will come of it?"

The woman scoffed, before forcing back the whole swathe of emotions she was feeling. Her eyes set up to his, this time she did not look away she kept her gaze on his.

"You said you'd stop looking to the past, yet you're more closed off than I am. You're just better at hiding it behind fancy words."

Kyra was not one for elegance or poetry, for the most part she said things how they were. Yes she might also not talk about them at all, but if she did bluntness was her policy.

Truly she didn't know how she felt; in that moment she was angry with him, abashed, her cheeks were flushed red, yet still that same frustrating feeling lingered between the surface. She could never truly be mad at him. He could have done anything in that moment, he could've pushed her away, he could've hurt her, yet she'd have seen him in the same light.

That probably wasn't a good thing, but it was the truth. She just didn't understand it. And if she didn't, how could he?

She was ruining it. She always ruined it.

Kyra ran a hand up through her hair, and then caught his hand in her own again; this time she tugged him forward, not back. She needed a drink and something to eat.

Why was she so stupid?

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor stuck his shoulders back a little, forcing a stretch to overcome the awkwardness between them. Kyra was right again – she was so good at reading people with her untainted view on things, it was a brilliant quality. He was hiding from the future by glossing over his past.

Living or existing. He didn’t know what to do for the best. He wasn’t happy, in general, that was sure.

He got on with things, but he was more alone now than he ever had been.

He had lost his friend Corvus down to his own stupidity and only just started to piece back the fragments of the friendship between them that hopefully he could complete once he went to her home. The Sanctum never paid him much attention now, and he was left to helping wandering Padawans or those who were lost; he guided them and ushered them through the Temple doors never to be seen again.

He was unhappy. Connor wasn’t living at all.

He was a cold, closed up man; the darkness had sucked the life out of him; stripped the freedom he once felt and froze the warmth of the heart that once was proud and noble.

Right then and there, Connor didn’t want to be with Kyra. He didn’t want to be on Jakku. Or anywhere. He wanted to be alone, 5,000 systems away from everyone if he could, because being alone was the one place nobody could hurt you, and you couldn’t hurt them.

By his side, his fingers rubbed against each other, rolling into a fist, then back out – a fidgety twitch.

She pulled him forward, but he stayed rooted, looking at her with no expression, eye slightly wincing against the sun above.

”I’m not the same man I was, Kyra. You’ve got to accept that.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

He didn't move when she pulled. If anything he had retreated further into himself. She could sense the conflict running through him, his unhappiness, his unease at the current situation.

In that moment she sorely hated to love him.

Rage boiled under the skin, he was such a hypocrite. How could she ever see past that? How had she ever fallen for him? What had he done for her in the past? He tormented her in that junk yard, sought to humiliate her, yet she had befriended him all the same. Her first friend. Her only friend.

Kyra bit her lip to hold back the harsh words which jumped to mind. No, that would do no good. If anything it would drive him further away, not just from her but from everyone.

The fact of the matter was that she did love him. She didn't care if he thought he'd changed too much for that, she could see through it. Even if he couldn't. He was Connor. Yes, with a little bit of emotional baggage, yes with a little bit of history, but he was Connor. And nothing was going to change that. He was the same to her as he had been before the damned Jedi had claimed him.

"Oh will you just shut up" she finally said, frustration rumbling through her chest.

Her gaze lifted to his, then without warning the woman stepped toward him and set her lips upon his. Not his cheek, nor his forehead, as had been done before in innocent affection, but his lips. She poured everything into it, all of the hatred which burned through her, all of the insatiable love and desire and admiration. Kyra had never been one for words, but actions? Those she was good at.

She held him there for a moment, before leaning back just enough that he could stop her if he wanted. Her hand curled into his shirt, though; boy was she conflicted. How could you hate someone and love them at once? She just wished that she could knock some sense into him. He was acting like a child, with a one track mind. Things had been tough for him, she knew that much, but they hadn't all been fun and games for her either.

He had to stop making excuses.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor had to feel sorry for himself at times because nobody else did, and he wouldn’t let them. He was compensating for anyone he needed in his life right now, except…Kyra stunned him when all he had expected was a punch to the jaw.

He had been kissed twice in his life, now it was three times. One fuelled with desire. One fuelled with compassion. One fuelled with frustration. Kyra was almost all three, but more frustration.

His eyes closed seconds later at that feeling he relished, and for the first time he felt even more close to her. As she broke away, he pushed her back a little – his mind brought up the defences that were his downfall; overthinking.

Was the feeling mutual? Of course – she was attractive to him, a walking adventure and she gave him so much time. However, she was unsure of herself, of him, and walking a very fine line where Connor wouldn’t know if on one hand she was serious about her feelings, before taking them away with regret with the other.

The Silver Jedi licked his lip quickly and rubbed his chin with his fingers. At one point she had almost been family to him, a kid sister. Now, he had to forgo that façade to see what she really was to him.

”Look,” he started, unsure where to go. He stopped, unsure of the words.

Connor turned around from her and raised his hands, pushing the balls of his palm into his eyes, gritting his teeth. She was Force sensitive, and she would feel his frustration simmering away. The darkness that was always going to be there, pulling back on the glimmers of light that wanted to burst through.

A sigh – more of a frustrated groan – escaped his lips.

”I can’t do this again!”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

He gave into it, for just a second he allowed it... Even enjoyed it. She could tell, though she had never kissed anybody before she knew.

And then he pushed her away. Literally pushed her back.

She might have been mad, she might have told him he was the worst hypocrite in the whole entire Galaxy, but instead she simply felt saddened by the way he closed himself off like that. Had she ruined everything? Kyra could not say for sure. What she did know, though, was that the Connor he was currently putting out to the Galaxy was not the Connor he truly was.

"Hey" she said, reaching out tentatively toward him as she felt his frustrations mount and the darkness creep in. No, she hadn't intended for this to happen at all. But if she was allowed to be angry, then so too was he.

What he said next though made her literally scoff.

"You've never done this before" she told him, as if it was the most obvious response in the entire world. "You may have done something like this before, but I'm not whoever hurt you in your past. I'd never do that to you."

She knew now what it was, this change which had overcome him in the past two months. Or was it the past ten years? It wasn't simply that he had aged, or that he had experienced more of life. It was that he had been let down one too many times.

"Don't insult me by comparing me to whoever it is that's in your mind. If you don't like me then that's fine, but don't tarnish your thoughts of me because of someone else's actions. Have I ever let you down, Connor? Have I ever given you reason to doubt me?"

Her voice broke at that last question, and she turned from him. It wasn't just he she felt sorry for, in truth her own heart ached in that moment. A sadness broke over her. She didn't want to run from him or from it, she didn't want to simply give up and concede herself to whatever fate he was forcing himself into. But she knew better than to push where it wasn't wanted. Where she wasn't wanted.

"You're the only person I've ever loved. The only person who ever gave me a chance. You think I'm stupid enough to ruin that?"

Her voice was quiet now, there was a humble sincerity to every one of her words. The anger was gone, frustrations lost to the very air around them, even the aching desire. She felt empty.

She had given him everything, her all. And now she was left numb.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

It was worse being on some backwards planet like Jakku, but also with the humidity and warmth making it 100 times more uncomfortable. Give him Voss any day – he WASN’T going to retire here.

What was making him warm more though was being uncomfortable when faced with the truth. It chocked him, partly, and he didn’t want to be outside, especially hearing the upset in her voice. Already, he was doing what he did to everyone close to him.

Hurt them.

”Can we go back to your house please,” he said, and it wasn’t a question.

He turned to see her, back to him, and took her by the arm. Not forcefully, but with a grip that told her he wasn’t going to stand outside a sunburnt cantina with locals watching the pair – a Jedi and a scavenger – have a tiff.

Saying nothing, he didn’t even stop to look for swoops, and instead felt there was no danger – he wanted to get up away from Cratertown to the house overlooking it and the surrounding area. If anything, maybe atop the Star Destroyer skeleton would be best – that way he could jump off after everything was done and it’d be less painful than trying to think how to explain to her the real Connor she didn’t know.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

"Fine" she said, there wasn't an aggressive tone she was simply devoid of anything. She let him take her by the arm and lead her away from the Cantina. An uncomfortable silence settled over the pair.

From such pure joy to this.

How had she let them fall so far?

Kyra set her gaze upon her home in the distance. Perhaps she would have to stop the sale, Connor didn't seem all that pleased with her right now. Why would he want her to join him after all that had been said and done?

The thought filled her with dread, and Kyra shrunk in on herself.

He had told her to be open. He had told her to be confident. And now he seemed to hate her for it.

Kyra had never really cried, not even as a child - terrified among pirates - had she given in to tears. But now she was close to doing just that. She had nobody else. That was the blunt honest truth.

Her Family did not want her, heck she didn't even really know them. She had no friends, not even here in Cratertown. She knew people, sure, but she was isolated atop the hill, working on her crazy schemes.

The thought of losing him had her breath catch in her throat.

Her gaze fell upon her feet for a moment. As they trudged up toward her home she could hear Kyne bounding down toward them. Even he could not gain a smidge of attention from her though. She shrugged off Connor's hold of her arm, not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable, and pushed open the gate.

Part of her didn't want to enter.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He glanced and rolled his eyes at her aggressive little shake off his arm, pushing open the gate and letting them in. She would deal with the hound, excitable as when they left. Connor turned at the door frame and looked out at the rolling dunes, at Kelvin Ridge in the distance and mighty Star Point. Actually, he COULD retire here with views like this.

Connor bit his cheek and went in. He swept his fringe aside and pulled his sleeves up again on the shirt, the sand sticking to his trousers and boots as he paced before the large window. His fingers rubbed together, his breathing was slow, his eyes looking over everything and anything as he tried to think what to do next.

”I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry – I didn’t expect that, and I didn’t want to expect it.”

He turned his head to direct his voice over to wherever she was behind him. He could hear the hound skitting around.

”Jesus, Kyra, I’m not being funny but you don’t know how much pain I’m capable of giving you unintentionally. Everyone close to me suffers and I will not let that happen again, I can’t. I want to live, but I don’t know how. It’s so much easier this way and in the long run you’ll see it too.”

Looking out, thankful for the view but with the cooler temperature indoors, he focussed and calmed himself.

”Thank you for being honest with me.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Kyne bounded against her, and she gave him a firm yet gentle shove down. With a bit of a confused whimper the hound instead paced alongside her, nudging her legs in a comforting manner. At least she would always have him.

She stood in the doorway of her home. She glared out over the town below. And then she turned and stared at him as he stood with his back to the room. She did not know what to say.

Instead she kicked a small bag of things from beside the door further into the room and sat down in a chair, her head in her hands as she pondered on the items inside. Things she had packed to be on hand, waiting for when he returned. It was all just some silly pipe dream, she had to get her head out of the clouds.

She pulled out a power cell, it looked tatty and old. Definitely didn't work. Turning it over in her hand Kyra sighed and tossed it to the floor, before standing.

"You can stay as long as you need" she murmured. "The room is as you left it."

She felt defeated in every sense of the word. Humiliated even. It was not a pleasant feeling. She had always been reserved, even as a child nothing could break through her shell; now she had poured her heart out, and she wasn't so sure she could fit it back in again.

Kyra wandered toward a side door, which led to what remained of her workshop. "The only pain you're causing is to yourself" she added, as she punched in the code and allowed the door to open with a whoosh.

Then she left him there; the door would remain unlocked, of course, she wasn't trying to be rude. She just didn't want to push him further from the door. She had already lost him. There was no point in adding salt to the wound.

Once inside she gave in to her emotions, a small grunt escaped her as her frustration flared; a half-finished project was sent across the room, though she hadn't so much as touched it. Her eyes widened, she even took a slight step back. "What the kriff?"

She couldn't have done that.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Why was he hard on himself? He had got them both away from gawkers out there and into the house, and he was trying to focus his thoughts, and all she could do was kick things about and mumble under her breath.

He didn’t want a recital, but this? She was more stubborn than he and twice and childish. His head moved slightly at the noise behind him; the heavy handed moving around, the scoffing, the mumbling, and he looked back out. There wasn’t a need to stay with her like this. Right now there was nothing to sort out and to be honest he wanted to head off, finish his business and –

- a gentle pulse touched him and broke his train of thought, followed by a loud crash in the side room where she was. He turned again, listening for confirmation she was at least ok, and he got it with more mumbling.
-
Temper tantrum.

”Watch your emotion, Kyra. Don’t let them get out of hand,” he called out.

Probably doing more damage than good if she was already irate.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

In that moment Kyra felt overwhelmed. The Force had flowed through her for just a moment, left her feeling a course of adrenaline pump through her veins. She slid to the floor and put her head in her hands, and for the first time in a long time she gave into the emotions she usually rejected. She had forced herself to be strong, since she was a tiny child caught up on that starship of horrors. She had forced herself into seeming confident and uncaring.

But she had feelings too.

Yet it felt as if she couldn't express them. It was fine for Connor to be angry, to be upset, but if she did it she was throwing a tantrum. If she did it he'd call her out on it.

Tears stung her eyes and cheeks, and for a little while she let herself sob in the cool room she had found herself within. The last room in the house not to have been cleared of junk. Bits and pieces lay scattered everywhere, in fact she was probably sat on a screw or two.

When had she become so pathetic?

"I'm sorry" she breathed, though she felt certain he couldn't hear her.

She had ruined it all in one fell swoop. Her future, the only future she'd ever allowed herself to believe in, crumbled before it even came to be.

This was it, she was done.

[member="Connor Harrison"]