Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

[Connor Harrison]

Nothing.

No reply, just slight noise from outside the house. His eyes fell, which means he felt bad – which means again he had hurt someone with his reaction and lack of tact. He gave a weary sigh, leaning his head back to stretch the taught muscles and flexed his fingers.

He was a disgusting excuse for a man right now, let alone a Jedi.

Connor licked his bottom lip, dragging it on his teeth, and walked slowly towards the side room, where he could hear her staggered breathing and soft sobs. He’d hurt her, when all she’d done was be honest – he’d shouted her down and acted like a slug.

Swallowing his pride, he walked in, stepped over the pile of bolts and, what looked like batteries, to get on the other side of her, and sat down beside her, arms on his bent knees.

Shuffling slightly, he got as comfy as he could and looked around.

”What a dump. You need a cleaner in here.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

The sound of his approach left her tense. Uncomfortable even. She could not face him right now, not with the way she looked.

Kyra dropped her head into her hands as he opened the door and proceeded to step over the junk in order to settle at her side. She was hyperaware of his every movement. She could feel him there beside her, even though their bodies were not touching.

With a slight sniffle, she ran a hand up through her hair. "It's organized" she whispered, of the mess. At least it had been before whatever had compelled her to draw upon the Force. He had been right about her. He knew her better than anyone else.

Could she blame him for not returning her feelings?

Kyra exhaled a shuddered breath and tried to calm herself. Her eyes were sore, cheeks flushed, and there was a hollow feeling in her chest. She didn't feel like herself, she didn't feel even remotely human.

Her face turned toward the door, cheek resting against the cool durasteel wall. The rest of the house may have been sandstone, but the workshop was more akin to the interior of a ship.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to" she added, voice still as hollow and quiet. She didn't know what she would do now, where she would go, but Jakku had too much pain in it. She didn't want to remain here for another minute longer than she had to.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor looked at his fingers and thumbs, pressing them against each other, making little patterns, little routines – anything to distract him from looking at Kyra and feeling more awkward.

”I won’t stay longer than needed, it’s not worth upsetting you. If I leave, I’ll come back in a few days though, give things time to cool.”

He yawned slightly. The outburst of this emotion, and the sadness he felt, was mentally draining.

”I tried to kill myself a few months ago, when I left here the first time. I went to find Corvus Raaf, a Jedi Grandmaster, and we went for a picnic, sort of to catch up.” So it began. ”It was Naboo, a real lush world, by these raging waterfalls and meadows. It was perfect and I sort of felt, maybe, she may want to explore mutual feelings that had been building over the years, but I was wrong. She had found someone else, a former Sith Lord, or something. Braith. She was in love with her, apparently. Talking soon turned to shouting, and then insulting and degrading. We left, angry and hurt and bitter. Or I did anyway. I had even battled the Sith with Corvus at one point. I was always there for her, had always helped her, and then suddenly this ideal Jedi knows what love is and found it with a demon.”

He itched his nose for a second.

”I went back to Voss, angry and more sick than I’d ever felt before. Literally, I just had this darkness swallow me up and in the gardens I took my blade and held it to my face, a hairs width away from activating it and I’d have gone – just toppled over and probably never found for weeks. But I didn’t. I was too cowardly to even take my life. From then, I dragged myself to the Temple, alone, pretty much devoid of anything. And then her sister, Taeli Raaf, another Jedi, contacted me for help and to get me away from things I left the Sanctum and travelled the Outer Rim with her for 2 months exploring new cultures and understanding the Force.”

He looked at his fingers still, playing with them.

”The grey streaks happened when experimented with Force acceleration during healing, I guess my cells took a little too much acceleration. I had a beard, but trimmed it. I returned eventually, now real friends, no real allies, just a few contacts left outside the Sanctum. I’ve not even seen the Grandmaster or his wife. We used to be so close, so close. But now? Life moved on and now I just don’t know if I belong there anymore.” Connor stopped and scratched his head. ”I seem to help wanderers who need guidance more than anything, I don’t do little there and don’t feel needed to be honest. My contacts are all outside the Sanctum. Still, I have sort of made up with Corvus on the end of my travels, and I have been invited to her home on Tatooine to bury the past and move forward which will be beneficial if not just so we can move on.”

With that, he slowly brought his hands together.

”And that is just a dot on what sort of things have made me this man you see before you now. If you know, then maybe, you may understand a tiny bit more why I am me.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Her heart beat in her ears, a steady thump that seemed to drown out everything else she could have experienced in that moment. She listened to him, not once interrupting as he spoke his story. Or at least the two months since they had last seen one another. What he experienced was horrible, it would've broken any man or woman. Yet here he stood, or more sat, here on Jakku of all places. What was he doing here? Why had he even returned for her?

"I don't want you to go" she whispered.

She was selfish. Force was she selfish. Kyra settled her head back in her hands and let out a heavy sigh. It was a lot to take onboard. But she was afraid that if he left now he would never return. And the Galaxy was much too large for her to track him down. She wasn't a Force User, not in the traditional sense, she was just a silly little scrapper. A nobody. Why would he want to return for her? Especially after what she had just done.

Tentatively, Kyra reached out a hand toward him. She wasn't sure if she should, but she couldn't leave him like this. Distressed, empty. Her hand fell upon his shoulder, a soft gesture between friends. She had pushed him, pressured him, and that was wrong of her.

"I'm sorry, I had no idea. I should have known when to leave well enough alone."

The thought of Connor ending his life sent shivers down her spine. Would she have felt it? Would she have known? Or would she, in all her ignorance, have lived her life waiting. Stuck here on Jakku, believing that one day he would return for her?

That was no way to live her life. But she knew that if he left now, and if he chose not to return, she would do just that. Maybe not on Jakku, but somewhere. Somewhere he could find her.

"That's not you, though, Connor. Yes, everyone is shaped by their experiences but... It doesn't make them who they are. I look at you, and I see you in your simplest form. I acknowledge your burdens and the hardships you have faced, but I realise that with time they will fade as other things take their place. They will always be apart of you, but the way they make you feel now is not the way they will make you feel forever. If that means I have to wait, if that means you have to disappear for another two months, two years, longer, then so be it. But don't think I'm just going to give up, Connor. On us, on the plans we made. I don't want you to go, but I understand if you must. I can't be selfish, I can't have you all to myself."

Words spoken from the heart.

Kyra looked to him, her hand slipping from his shoulder. She wasn't sure where her limits were anymore. Carefully she reached out and lay her hand over his, to stop his repetitive motions. To bring him back to the present. Then she lifted that self same hand and tipped his chin toward her.

"I promise you, I will never bring you pain. I will never cast you out, or leave you wondering."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He listened, and felt sorry for her. Not that she was silly, having wants and dreams to aim to – it was more than he head – but for how isolated she felt, and that sadly he was the one who was keeping her going. There should have been a better person to want for than him.

From watching his hands, to then watching her hand, to then not fighting her turning his chin, he looked at her and smiled with his eyes. It felt too much effort to force it on his lips.

”I know you wouldn’t. And don’t say sorry, please. You’ve done nothing and had no inclination of what was going on. I didn’t want to tell you as I don’t want to tell anyone – I just get on with it.”

The walls in his mind came crashing down, like a tired stone wall eroding after years of being battered by the sea.

”Can you hold me, as if everything will be ok, and so I can feel you? I don’t want to fall out. I don’t want us to fight. You were the first friend I had after leaving the Republic, when I had none.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

The pain in her heart was as if she had been stabbed, likewise was the one which lingered in the pit of her stomach. Poor, sweet Connor. How the Galaxy had forced him to bow to its whimsical ways. He was undeserving of such treatment, and the thought made her indignant. Her jaw tightened as rage bubbled under her skin. But she kept a tight lid on it. Such would not help right now.

"You never have to keep things bottled up, Connor. That's when accidents happen. I don't understand the whole Light-Dark conflict, but I know it means a lot to you. And I'd hate to see you fall down the wrong path." Was that how Forcies usually spoke of it? Kyra didn't know. She had to piece together snippets of conversation from here and there. The meaning was what she was trying to get across though, not the words themselves.

He looked so tired. So worn out.

She didn't say anything after that, one arm looped around his shoulder and pulled him closer while the other settled in his hair soothingly. Whatever he needed. Whatever helped. One thing she knew was that the floor was not a comfortable place at all, but she didn't want to break this moment. She didn't want his outershell to reveal itself oncemore and close the true Connor out.

Let him have a moment. She would take a backseat here.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor leant in on her shoulder, and gripped the side of her top under her ribs just to hold onto something, and closed his eyes as her hand went to his hair.

”I’ll never fall. I won’t. I can’t.”

Staggered words through a dreamy voice as he started to relax, legs pushing on the floor in the cramped conditions. He shuffled on her shoulder.

”Can we go and sit by the window… watch the day fade and see the stars all night. See what I’m fighting for. Forget everything.”

He pulled back and leaned on the side where they were to stand, his body already weak from relaxing. He held out his hand and stretched again.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She would've given him the whole entire Galaxy had he asked, or died trying to acquire it for him; alas, his request was far more simpler. With a nod of her head, Kyra did her best to rise up from the floor, her legs and backside numb, before casting down a hand toward him.

"Whatever you want" she said; Kyra could not deny that a night spent infront of the window was very desirable. Life was spent so fast, time wasted, that people rarely got to sit down and take in the basics. She had nothing in to eat, but if push came to shove she would order something for them. Right now she doubted that food was on his mind.

Helping him first to his feet, and then from the room, Kyra guided him toward the huge windows which gazed out across Jakku. It was a breathtaking sight, one she never took for granted. Even after ten years.

And as the pair settled down before it, on a low-sofa which was pretty much just a glorified stack of pillows, she allowed her hand to find his hair oncemore. She knew that it would act as little more than a soothing gesture. But perhaps that was all he needed right now. A little bit of comfort.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He moved with no resistance, finding solace with Kyra who had seen less of compared to most, but valued more than most too. Sinking down in the comfy make-shift sofa, the type you literally sank into, he looked over the sun, still a good way in the sky but on the move down.

Her hand met his hair, and he closed his eyes, sighed and turned his head into her shoulder. Lazily kicking his boots off, with a non-elegant twisting and scraping with the heel of the other, they fell off as did the weight. His com was at his side, but he knew it wouldn't go off. He was that careful, his lightsaber wasn't even with him, but locked in his ship on the other side of her property.

”Mm...” he sighed softly, wanting to speak but not needing words.

He wasn't asleep, far from it, but he sure looked like it as like a child, he held onto her and let her soothe him.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Kyra turned her head against his and closed her eyes; she wanted to see the view, of course she did, but in the same instance she just wanted to wind down. It had been a rollercoaster of a day, she had gone from frustrated to overjoyed to humiliated, and everything in between, in a matter of hours. Her head hurt, and she was certain a migraine was waiting to set in.

She kept her hand in his hair, the other one reaching out to gently take his hand. Her thumb flexed across the back of it.

With a soft sigh, Kyra let it all go. Every bit of doubt, of upset, of anger, even regret. It was all released from her until a serenity settled over her person. She really did not want this moment to end. She didn't want to wake up in the morning and find him gone.

They had made a mess of this reunion. Honestly, they had made a mess of every meeting they'd ever had in one way or another. Trying to kill one another, getting into a tiff in the middle of the night, and again outside a cantina. But none of it mattered. None of it changed anything.

There was a very thin line between love and hate. Sometimes that line blurred.

But at the end of the day, it always came back to the former. She could never hate him, not truly.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

A noise in his head, or maybe in the distance outside the house, made Connor open his eyes. Not with urgency, but just…steadily. It was probably something outside, or even that excitable hound, but it brought him back. Kyra was still there, hands atop eachother, her hand in his hair and she sounded like she was asleep.

Connor looked over the town below and everything in the distance they could see. It was dusk, so he had been asleep for an hour or more. Part of his brain thought he should get up and go, and find something or someone to help or rescue or protect or destroy, as that was all he did.

But it felt nice to do nothing. Everyone else did little, so why couldn’t he?

Forcing himself to lean up, he didn’t note if Kyra was asleep as he didn’t want to disturb her, so he simple let her head lower onto his shoulder and he placed his arm around her shoulder and rested his cheek on her soft hair. He loved protecting her - holding her, making her feel safe. He'd do anything to make sure Kyra Sol was safe, because she meant that much to him and he never ever really said it.

His eyes looked up to the pale sky and wondered what was going on out there. There must be peace and tranquillity somewhere in the galaxy right now, mustn’t there?

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Perhaps it was a feeling of urgency which roused her, most definitely not a noise, but around the same time she shifted and pulled him closer. She wasn't even really awake. It was as if she sensed his thoughts, his desire to leave before damage could be done. Her head nestled down against his shoulder, and with a faint sigh she drifted back into her dreams.

The light of the sun worked its way into her mind, and for a while she was happy and knew peace.

Her fingers curled lazily into his hair, her hand twitching against his, as darkness began to seep in. It was rare that Kyra slept, rarer still that she dreamed at all, but in this instance whatever she had been dreaming of turned sour enough for her to be unceremoniously woken. Her breathing was heavy for a moment, before she took in her surroundings and realized where she was.

Who she was with.

A smile settled upon her lips, the fleeting dream gone before it could be remembered. She didn't say anything, she didn't try to move, she just eased herself against him and watched the sun as it began to set in the distance.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor wouldn't awaken again for a good few hours. Both Kyra and he were sleeping, sunk into the pillow-sofa and missing the moment the sun sank behind the far reaching dunes and just glinted across the Graveyard of the Giants in the distance.

The sun melted away just another day of emotion for the pair.

[member="Kyra Sol"]