A Helping Hand

[Connor Harrison]

Connor looked at the girl and listened, feeling her pain, giving her a sad little smile when he could now and then.

"I understand, Kaalia.”

Mulling over a few options, there were ways out of her predicament but of course he knew little about her past. Maybe it was something she needed to share.

"I have experienced the same thing recently, finding the shackles of the Light unrelenting in pulling me back when I wanted to be free. They say the Light saves you, but to me it was nothing but blinding.” He reached out and rested a hand on her shoulder. "You've been very sweet and kind in the time we've talked here, so thank you for that. Please, talk to me about what is holding you back. Rationalise it in your head and let it out, we can make sense of it together and then maybe we can find a way to cut those strings for good and let you blossom.”

With a confident squeeze of the hand and a nod, he was willing to help a friend of Ara's and anyone who put their faith in him.

[member="Kaalia Voldaren"]

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

"The light didn't save me from anything. I still suffered, people around me still died, it didn't let me be who I truly am." There was anger in Kaalia's voice. Instead of being the saving grace the light was made out to be by her master, all it did was groom her to be an emotionless enforcer of 'peace'. "I was led to believe that who I am didn't matter, that because I am 'one of many' who I truly am is irrelevant. I was taught to be an emotionless instrument of the light and was expected to just accept that. I was never asked whether I wanted to live that life or not, they actively tried to cull my emotions ever since my parents left me with the Jedi at age three. I had no choice. I was a child! My former master told me he loved me, but he didn't. He couldn't have. If he did he would've never forced me down that path." She was shaking while holding back tears, trying to not yell while speaking. It seemed nobody else picked up on the conversation, however. Kaalia had never told this story to anyone before, and it was something seated very deeply in her being. "I resent him. I resent the Jedi. They are blind to this world, and they shackled me down with them. I am not free. I am weak."

The redhead stayed silent for a moment, her head empty. She had laid everything that was going through her mind out on the table. "They cursed me with serenity. It has made me weak, but they made me that way. And yet, I can't leave it behind. Part of me holds on to it, dragging me back when I'm on the edge and ready to leave my past behind for good. The light feeds me with feelings of regret whenever I try to break away. I'm not a cold-blooded killer, and I don't aim to be. I'm not ruthless, and I don't aim to be. I didn't turn to the dark side for those reasons, I turned to the dark side because I want to control my own destiny, that nobody can decide for me. Intead, the light looks to enslave me again. And I can't break free."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Feeding a slight strength through his aura to hers, Connor's hand never left Kaalia's shoulder as she spoke, almost as if to root her down and let her feel the Dark Side supporting her from him.

Her words were troubling to hear, and somewhat conflicted. While Connor had the darkness inside him for years that he tried to cover with lies, Kaalia sounded like she had the darkness implanted in her forcefully by a betrayal of the Light she never wanted to happen.

"When you say love, Kaalia, do you mean a love between Master and Apprentice or man and woman.”

A broken heart was one of the worst factors to lose a battle with the Light with.

"And I don't know you well, so I can afford to say what you may not want to hear. I may be wrong, but it sounds to me as if your heart wants to be with the Light, but you head is pulling you to the Dark. You are here because you had nowhere else to go, and nowhere to put your emotion and faith in. So you turned to the only place that your resentment and loathing could allow you to grieve - the Dark Side. Is that right?”

[member="Kaalia Voldaren"]

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

"The former. For years he was like a father to me, he basically was my father. He raised me. He made me believe everything he said until I realized what a fool he was." The day Kaalia felt the sting of disillusionment still hurt her. The trip away from the planet where master and her parted ways was a painful one. "All I wanted was to be appreciated by someone, and the only place I have found that is with the Ren." The dark side was truly the last place she could look, but here she was anyway.

Kaalia shook her head for a moment. "When people say they're going to say something I don't want to hear, it's the truth. I want to hear the truth. I'm not someone you'd expect to confide in the dark side, because I'm not one to kill, not one to conquer. I am here, right here and right now, because I know it can set me free. It allows me to place my anger and hatred and turn it into something powerful. But that power, it's not to impose my will onto others. It's just protect myself. I just want to be happy, nothing else. So yes, perhaps my heart longs for the light, but that longing is foolish. I cannot be happy while bound by the light. The dark side allows me to be. That's all that matters."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Pushing his tongue into the base of his lower teeth to try and think logically for the girl, Connor had a gut feeling that spelt trouble for Kaalia. The knot on his brow was evident as he listened, and while he didn’t know her at all, she was Ara’s friend and that meant he had a duty as her friend and fellow Ren to look out for her.

"Well ,first, the Jedi don’t see anyone as family. Trust me, they filled my head with the same crap. In them I had brothers and sisters who looked at me as if I was their blood, and every time I faltered they threw that back at me to make me contemplate my actions. Not for my sake, but theirs and their hurt pride. It is nonsense, and they don’t even know what real love is. So don’t let them fill your head with their view of it when all they want to do is control you.”

Swallowing, he tried to think carefully about his words as he slowed his walk with her.

"One thing you should know about me, Kaalia, is that I don’t say anything except the truth and I don’t sugar coat situations. I tell it how I see it, and sometimes I’m right.” He forced a diffusing smile before continuing. "The only way the darkness will set you free is if you embrace it fully. That means you will need to use your power to take a life because they stand in your way. You will be part of a group who will depend on you and count on you as one of their own. THAT will be love you feel; a unified force standing together. Only if you can be true to yourself will you be ready. Right now? I worry that you will stumble and fall, and your heart is torn. Which means your stance is divided. You stand in the Dark, yet you yearn for the Light.”

He sighed and looked down for a second before speaking.

"While you still long, Kaalia, you will never be of use to the Ren and the darkness you want to give yourself to unless you truly give yourself to it.”

She probably wouldn’t like it, but there it was. His view of the truth, and he’d stand there and take her response and do what he had to do in order to help.

[member="Kaalia Voldaren"]

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

"Tell that to a child who was raised by a Jedi, indoctrinated by his beliefs." Despite knowing the flaws of the Jedi, the flaws that made Kaalia leave that life behind, shedding something that was branded into you at a young age was a tough thing for everyone. She wasn't an exception. "I have to break that indoctrination down piece by piece."

The redhead saw the slight hesitation before Connor spoke his mind, and it seemed like he was choosing his words carefully. When he mentioned he only spoke in truths, the woman answered. "The truth is all I want to hear, I already told you." Kaalia hoped to learn something from his conviction. He embraced the dark side fully- something she herself was still struggling with.

As Kaalia listened to his words, a slight anger crept up within her. He spoke words that she believed to be false and ignorant. The anger slipped into Kaalia's voice, slightly offended by Connor's words. "They have depended on me. I and I did not let them down. I was on Kaeshana when that bloody conflict was taking place, and I was there from start to finish. I did not stumble. I did not fall. I was there for the people who needed me. I killed, and while it destroyed me mentally and left me in pieces, I killed. I killed because they stood in my way. You have NO idea what I am capable of already. You see me as powerless because I'm conflicted and couldn't be further from the truth. I was. Of use. To them."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor’s finger came up as soon as she finished and pointed at her.

"There.” He said bluntly. "Killing destroyed you mentally and left you in pieces. Just what the Light feels when taking a life. That is a Jedi view, not one who serves the Dark.”

He lowered his finger and didn’t look away from her.

"While your loyalty to the Order is certainly there, how long will it be before you have to kill again? How long before you come face to face with a foe younger than you, a little nervous but trying their best. You see their sweaty palms on the hilt, the worry in their eyes. Could you strike first? No. You couldn’t.”

Connor raised his head a little.

"Your attachment to the Light will prove your downfall, Kaalia. Killing will destroy you bit by bit until you’re in pieces too small enough to re-build. And then what? What will you be then? Dead, probably. And I never said I saw you as powerless.”

He walked past her and spoke louder for her to hear, and to goad her to follow back on the track in the park.

"I said you are weak.”

[member="Kaalia Voldaren"]

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

"And yet, I did it." Kaalia stayed behind Connor, her pace fast enough to still keep up. "They lied on the ground, they begged and pleaded for their life. I still took it from them." Her mind went back to those killings, it would etched into her mind. The blood-curdling screams, the sound of a lightsaber cutting down living beings, it was something she couldn't forget. "Now you're telling me things I already know, Connor. I may just be a misguided child to you but I'm not stupid. I told you my story because I know what stops me from progressing. But I can't make the change I need to make on my own."

Kaalia closed her eyes, her emotions swirling through her being. Part of her wanted to yell, scream; but she resisted the urge. Her left hand was balled into a fist, shaking from what was going on inside her head. "I've been desperately trying to cut away the light from my being, I've told you more than enough now. But words, words don't help. You have your feet on solid ground, you know where you belong. You can let go of what you were because you have an identity in the present. I don't. I don't know where I belong, if this is the path I should walk. You say you see my loyalty with the Order, but now it's time for me to speak the truth: I'm loyal to myself. The Order provided me with an opportunity to perhaps find happiness, and in return I further their goals. That's it. I couldn't care less about their stance on things, or how 'great' the 'Supreme Leader' is. They saw my usefulness, and in return they gave me the possibility to feel appreciated." There was a pause, and the redhead recollected her thoughts. "My heart clings on to the enslaving values of the Jedi because it has nothing else to fill the void. If you call a desperate attempt to change that being loyal, then perhaps you're right. But I don't see it that way."

"I'm looking for change, not a lecture on what's wrong with me. I figured that out a long time ago. I'm inching along towards the darkness but like this I will never get there."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor smirked as they walked, feeling her anger bubbling away grasping at him through her aura. She was lashing out with words and trying to make sense of feelings, and trying to convince not him, but herself.

"I don't see you as a child, either. Don't put words in my mouth to make yourself feel better because I see through you.”

They passed the observation tower, reaching to the sky, where Ara had proclaimed her fear of heights.

"You want to edge along to the darkness? Then hurry it up. Also, don't assume that I'm on stable ground, because I'm not. Not at all. My faith to the Dark Side is still in question by many and I'm a long way from convincing them.”

He turned with a blank expression.

"You know I'm saying this for the best reasons, Kaalia. I had to go through hard truths until I could see myself, and tell myself just what I wanted to be.” With a gentle sigh, he looked at her. "I'm not doubting your place here. I'm simply trying to save you from the pain that will come if you can't be true to yourself. If you want to go to the Light, best do it now rather than lie to yourself. Nobody need know bar me that you've gone. If you want to embrace the Dark Side, then I have ways to help you do just that.”

There was promise and confidence in those blue eyes of his.

[member="Kaalia Voldaren"]

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

Kaalia didn't answer him immediately, instead just walking in silence until she caught up to Connor. "I'd rather die than go back and be enslaved again. I'd be even more miserable than I am now. Going back wouldn't just make me weaker, but completely powerless. I'd be a tool to be used by the Jedi and that's something I will never go back to. Here, I have people I care about. I've never had that before."

The two got to the part of the conversation the redhead was waiting for: Actual help. She knew what was wrong, but at least Connor had confirmed what she knew in that respect. "Then show me. Help me. Pull me towards where you're standing so I can finally leave my past behind. From there we can find that solid ground to stand on together." She looked back at Connor, a serious face staring straight at him. "Help me be fully true to myself."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

This would be a test for Connor as much as Kaalia.

The girl's face was serious, and her eyes told him everything. She needed to be free.

"I will do what I can,” he said. "If you give me your channel to contact you, I will do if I can source help from one who helped me.”

He was of course talking about [member="Taeli Raaf"] - but if she would help Kaalia, and help Connor make the ritual on Dxun possible, was another story. But he could try.

"Do you want to go to a place away from eyes and ears and try to pinpoint some of your issues? It sounds like you need to face them head on and let things out. Which may not be pleasant.”

[member="Kaalia Voldaren"]

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

Kaalia took out a small datapad, and after a few taps on the screen she took out a chip from the device. Handing it over, she explained its use. "It's connected to the datapad. Insert it in a device, and you can create a direct link with it. You can send messages from there." She pocketed the datapad again. "And Connor? Thanks. The fact you're trying to help someone you barely know is admirable." She let out a careful smile. "I appreciate it."

The redhead nodded at Connor's question. "I think that would help me get it out of my system. If this path was pleasant we wouldn't be talking about this right now, but I'm ready for it. Anything to help me embrace my true self." Kaalia wasn't sure what Connor had planned, but she didn't really care. She wanted to be free, and every step forward was a small victory. "Hiding from my issues doesn't get me anywhere."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor took the chip and slipped it into the small pouch on the side of his brown belts.

"No problem. We’re on the same side, and if I can help then I will. I don’t expect anything in return either.”

He looked at her, and then held back a smile, but leaned in a little.

"I do have one question however if you can shed some light on things?”

With a nod of the head, he signalled her to walk back the way they came.

"How…has Ara, I mean,” he let out a frustrated sigh, "sorry, has Ara ever been close to anyone before, that you know of? As in a relationship or anything? And have you? I just am curious how you both have lived in the freedom of the Dark Side as it’s rather alien to me, that’s all.”

Why was he asking? Force knows. He just had an urge to find out and quickly made the comment a lot more casual.

[member="Kaalia Voldaren"]

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

There was a nod and a grin coming from Kaalia as Connor asked his questions. "It's likely she's been around, but I don't think she's ever ever committed to anyone like that. It's clear she's not used to having people around that care. I'm trying to break that shell, to show her that at least I care. I'm sure you do as well." The redhead chuckled for a moment. "And if you're trying what I think you're trying... Good luck with that. You'll need it." She looked at Connor with a smile. "And me? No, not at all. Until yesterday nobody even knew I'm into girls and you're the second person to know after Ara. She now wants to drag me halfway through the galaxy to look for a, in her words, 'little hottie to snuggle with' for me. I have a feeling it's more for her own entertainment than anything, though."

Kaalia appreciated the shift to a more casual conversation. "If Ara's the one you're going after, you must love making it really hard on yourself. I must admit though, she is very alluring." She nodded. "Still, I think she likes you. Play your cards right and perhaps you can be the one to break her shell. She deserves that. It would make me happy to see she finds that one person, you know?" The woman looked over to a pond as they walked by it. "I can't say beyond reasonable doubt that you are that person, but who knows? Giving you a shot would be a step forward for her already."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

All he did was nod as they walked, looking at her now and then to read facial expressions matching her light tone of voice. His fingers were tapping together gently which meant he was thinking about things

”Thank you, and yes I agree, about her I mean. I just have the mind-set she’s not ready for anyone to be hers. I may be wrong, and I won’t risk that, but yes, she is rather wonderful.”

And not forgetting her admission, he gave her a warm smile.

”There is someone for everyone out there, Kaalia. You will find that special someone in your own time and probably without even looking. Force knows I wasn’t looking when a certain someone found me wandering in Avalonia.”

Of course he didn’t touch on his broken past or the fact part of him longed to have someone to call his own to stand by and fight for, or die for, but that had been a dream ever out of reach. Then, that was in the shadow of the Light – who knew what the Dark could bring.

”I tell you, once you find that confidence in your standing with the Ren and the Dark Side it will show in your personality. Then you’ll be swatting the admirers away.”

[member="Kaalia Voldaren"]

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

"Perhaps you're right. Give it time, make sure she's ready for such a thing. I'll keep showing her that I'm there for her, and if you do the same I have no doubt she'll come to see that soon enough." Kaalia returned the warm smile. "Seeing her being happy makes me happy, so I'm willing to go quite the lengths to achieve that."

The woman let out a soft "Yeah..." as she listened to Connor. "I just never gave it much thought. Perhaps she's indeed out there somewhere. Someone to really give my all to. I'll be patient." She chuckled for a moment. "I wonder who that certain someone could be though..."

"And really, we'll have to see about that. I find it hard to believe that I would have any admirers, but I'll have to take your word for it." Her face revealed her shyness, a bit unsure on the topic. "It's still a bit weird to think about." She turned to Connor, looking at him with a questioning face. "So, what were you planning to do in order to 'pinpoint some of my issues'?" Kaalia was curious to what he had in mind.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

”I will. Thank you, Kaalia.”

He had always been there for people he cared for in the past, but that was such a different time; a different man. Who knew how his mind-set would work now, what chances he would take or risks he would make in the process of trying to be content.

Safe to say these people were the ones he had to look out for now. They were his allies, and they were all he had.

”To be honest, I have no idea what quite to do to bring you further into where I stand. It’s tricky, but when I made the transition I was guided by those more absorbed in the Dark Side than me to you now. But, I know how it feels to be longing for the Light, and if that is something I can burn out of you then I’ll do my best. I think there’s something inside you you’re not letting out.” His eye narrowed slightly at her. ”I just don’t know what, but it’s there.”

If the garrison was free, now they knew him, it would be a good place to go away from the public. He diverted across the grass out of the park towards where Ara had first taken him for an impromptu spar.

”Let’s see if we can find it, shall we?”

[member="Kaalia Voldaren"]

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

"But at least you understand where I'm coming from. It's a start." Kaalia was hopeful. Anything that Connor could do for her was a step forward, and the small steps were what kept her going. "Let's find out what it is that I don't let out. I honestly have no idea myself, or maybe I do but don't realize it."

The duo left the park, on their way to a different location. It was obviously going to be somewhere private, but where the redhead did not know. "You said you got help in progressing towards the darkness. That person... That person who you were going to look ask to help me. I don't want to ask too much information, but do you think he or she is willing to help a stranger?"

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor made it clear on their walk through to the garrison how hard it had been to separate his time with the Light to his standing with the Dark. The traps along the way that had caught him out, and the sacrifices he had to make to stand strong.

He gave his name and also Ara’s when they arrived at the security gates, facing the armour of the Stormtroopers keeping them all safe, and he guided Kaalia to the empty training room where Ara and he had sparred for the first time.

”We will be alright here, and you can speak freely.”

Walking in, holding the door, he glanced down and he smiled to himself – the smear of blood on the floor was still there from when she cracked him in the chin with her hilt.

”Oh, and my contact, they should help you. I mean, they are very busy and have so much going on, but I will contact them and ask the question. It can’t hurt to try, and maybe they will do it for me if I repay them somehow.”

Repayment? There was little he had that SHE needed at all.

”Right. And I know I don’t know you, but let me know you. Be honest and open with me, and I will be the same. You can trust me.” He walked past Kaalia and laced his fingers. ”Tell me what you are scared of most. And, answer how YOU want, not what you think I want to hear. I hate people who do that.”

He turned to her. May as well make it clear from the start so she knew where she stood.

[member="Kaalia Voldaren"]

 

[Kaalia Pavanos]

The woman looked around the training room for a moment, taking in the details of it. "I will be patiently waiting for it. Tell them if there's anything I can do myself to repay for their services, I'm willing to do that." Nothing she could do to help herself moving forward was out of the question.

[member="Connor Harrison"] turned to her, asking her to lay out her fears. Kaalia didn't know what he was going to do with the information, but she presumed he was going to use them for at least something. However, if she were to become stronger she had to face those fears and draw from them. It was the way of the dark side. "Having no control." The redhead uttered the words, then took a breath before continuing. "I'm afraid of what is out of my control. When something around me affects me without the possibility to change the outcome, that is what triggers my fear. That is how you die, lose the ones you care about, lose everything." It was as direct of an answer as she could muster, the truth spoken word for word. "That was what I am most scared of."