Checkmate

[Connor Harrison]

Taeli’s slap came fast and hard, and it stung. Connor’s head snapped right, his lack of being aware of the surroundings failing to help him prevent the hit. But, it didn’t hurt, surprisingly – it stung, yes, but didn’t hurt, and his cheek tingled. Looking back at her, brown creased in both annoyance and bewilderment, he flexed his jaw to stem the stinging.

She was off on one again, and he wasn’t up for listening after her little hissy fit. He smirked, shaking his head and wanting to just leave the ship and pull himself together. Taeli spoke partly truth, but there was a lot she didn’t know. His fingers clenched into fists, and relaxed.

There was so much he could say back to her – the failed Sith, a failed sister – thinking she had a right to lecture HIM on the history of the Jedi that he had studied for so long. As for the Order he served, she knew nothing. He looked at her, gritting his teeth as she became louder and more passionate in her tone, volume raising, before she snapped and he was about to respond in kind –

- and then she kissed him.

A kiss coming from nowhere. A kiss from a woman, a kiss he hadn’t experienced…in years. The scent of someone so close to him and that feeling on the lips, it was nice.

Connor’s eyes were open as she pulled him in, their lips meeting, and he didn’t fight her initially, letting the moment stay, before recoiling his head and narrowing his eyes.

”What the hell was that?”

He cast a look of judgement over her sat on the table.

”You know NOTHING about me, Taeli Raaf, or the ones I serve with and call friends. Maybe at one point, yes, but now they are too busy with their own world, I need to get on with living in MINE. You could do with opening your eyes, because it sounds like your life is being dictated by others.”

The pit in his stomach opened, and emotions that Connor didn’t know existed bubbled away.

”You know what, I may get burnt after this, but if I can make a difference then it’ll be worth it.”

If it wasn’t before, his mind was swirling like a whirlpool on Kamino during a storm.

[member="Darth Arcanix"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"That was me showing you that someone else cares about you," she said simply, but her face was extremely red and now she felt foolish and embarrassed. But she would still stand by her actions . . . even if he pushed her away for it. Her lips were tingling though, and she had to fight the urge to press her fingertips against them. That had been electrifying for her.

"I don't really know you, true. That is very true, but guess what Connor Harrison, you don't know me either. Ah, and hold on here, you just said you only had allies and colleagues. I thought you said you didn't have any friends among those you serve with, and yet you call them friends. You say they are too busy with their own lives, but did you ever think to ask to do something together, or did you expect them to reach out first? You have to be proactive in reaching out to people."

Looking at the door for a moment, she added, "You say I'm letting my life be dictated by others . . . I would disagree. I'm putting others before myself, for the most part. I'd drop anything I was doing to help my friends and my sisters, regardless of what it was."

"You think you might get burnt for things, but I don't think you quite realize what you are asking . . . so . . ."

A gesture of her hand and the medbay door shut and locked.

"We're going to sit in this room and play a game called 20 Questions," she said. "You can ask me any question you want to, and I do the same. I'll start by asking . . . why do you feel the need to be a lone crusader against evil?"

 

[Connor Harrison]

Turning to the door as it closed behind them, Connor moved to it and ran his hands over the metal, pursing his lips and nodding gently.

”Funny way of showing you care with a desperate kiss,” he muttered.

Wiping his jaw, a shadow of fine whiskers forming, Connor turned back and walked to the opposite side of the lit medbay and folded his arms.

”Fine. I want to be a crusader because, you know what, I can be.”

He shrugged, a like a petulant child brushing off a firm lecture.

”I’ve seen both sides of the Force, I’ve felt both sides of the Force, and so I want to reply on nothing but my own head to be the one thrown into danger, thrown into peril and thrown into the jaws of death so I can take them out, or die trying. That’s it. I don’t want fortune or glory, get that thought out your mixed up head.”

The question was to him now, but he wasn’t going to waste time locked in a ship for long.

”Question for you? Ok..why are you now putting others before yourself, when at one point you knew what you could do when you depended on no-one BUT yourself.”

[member="Darth Arcanix"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"If you want to go crusading, go to Ession then," she replied, a little hurt by the distance and ice about the kiss, but that was to be expected. "You'll never be truly alone though, Jedi Harrison."

Listening to his question, he had asked one that she had an easy answer to. Oopsie-daisy, but then the whole point of this was to learn more about the other. It might be a bit of childish way to go about it, but it was still very effective, especially between Force users as they would know if the other lied or not.

"That's the thing that always made me a weird Sith," she replied, picking up the burn salve and rubbing it on her arm. "I've never have actually proscribed to putting my own personal goals before the well-being of others. I always talked with my parents before . . . that incident. I had friends that weren't Sith, friend I would help if they asked for it and this was before I even knew I had sisters. I was a dark-sider, but maybe I just wasn't cut out for it truly because I was always perfectly willing to help those I cared about. I was never truly alone, so I could never say I relied only on myself. I don't like to be alone in that way, even if I love my books and research."

Hissing a bit, both in pain and relief as the burn salve started its work, she asked, "Next question then, why did you join the Silver Jedi in the first place?"

 

[Connor Harrison]

He watched her apply the salve to her skin, remembering again he was the one responsible for the injuries – but then, she did it to him first

”Ession. I’ll be sure to visit, thank you.”

Leaning on the wall opposite her, Connor smiled gently and gave a little chuckle at her question.

”I joined the Silver Jedi because I had nowhere else to go, and had no one to turn to. If I had to answer, I’d say the Force brought to me Iella E’ron, the first Grandmaster I served under. From that reception, intercepting her transmissions and simply following the Order to where I was given the chance to join, I followed her lead.”

With a soft raise of the brow and a dip of the head, he sighed gently.

”But as you know, nothing good lasts forever. She died. And part of me died with her. Part of the Silver Jedi died with her.”

He swallowed, the cold shiver racing up his spine at the thought of her dying alone at the hands of the Sith. For a moment, he went distant again.

”Question. Who are you living for – you, or someone else. Sounds to me you’re desperate to be accepted, when I don’t think you can even accept yourself.”

[member="Darth Arcanix"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"I truly am sorry about that, I did learn something else about that," she said softly. "Apparently a ship left Vornskr's fortress during the fight, so I'm guessing your Grandmaster went there to rescue someone important to her."

She had no idea who it could be, but then she didn't know the woman at all and had only checked the system security logs after their encounter on Panatha. His question and associated comment dd make her think for a moment. Who did she live for? She could answer the easy way . . . or she could answer honestly. This game demanded honesty so she would go with that.

"After being rejected by parents for just being a Sith, they rejected me before I could even explain I wasn't a normal Sith," she began slowly. "That hurt . . . a lot, and when I learned I had a Jedi sister, I truly did fear she would reject me out of hand as well. Being accepted for who I was, a nerdy bookworm who was a Sith, was important to me. So . . . I guess, I live for my sisters, both Corvus and Melori, but I also live for myself. I know who I am, Connor, and I'm still that nerdy bookworm who read her way through two libraries and a half on Lorrd before I graduated with my master's degree in history. I just happen to have woken up and gone to the light, but then change is natural."

Looking contemplative for a moment, she decided on her next question for him. It was going to be embarrassing for her, but she needed to ask. Well, part of her brain did anyways.

"My next question . . . is highly awkward . . . but . . . well . . . ummm . . ." she twisted her hands in her lap. In a very quiet voice she asked, "What did you think of the kiss?"

 

[Connor Harrison]

It was a fair answer, but smelt of something drummed into one’s head by others. Always making you feel your choices were decided by rejection, by failure, by cowardice. He didn’t like her response.

”You say you were rejected by family, and then you were motivated by fear, but now you’ve woken up to see who you are? Taeli, it sounds to me you’ve hidden who you are to please your remaining family, because you are still scared of who you are. A Sith. Maybe not the typical butcher I’ve come across, but a Sith – well educated, yes, and confident.”

He pointed a finger to her, near waggling it.

”I’m not convinced with that answer. I don’t think you’ve fully let go of what you originally were. Are.”

And…now, a dark void in his soul had to answer the question that he was afraid to, because he knew it was even more of a spiral; clutching at the feeling to be in control, to be wanted, to be close. Resting his chin on his chest, hands under his arms across his chest, Connor licked his lips and felt the drumming of his heart under his rib-cage.

”Your kiss was a futile attempt to show me you care.”

He brought his head up, slightly tilted back. Maybe he could convince her to help him.

”It was nice, though. Thank you. I’ve never felt that before.”

There was no-one left who cared anyway, so why should he? His heart was drumming still.

”Do it again if you want.”

[member="Darth Arcanix"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

Taeli couldn't help herself, a little bit of a laugh came out as he commented on what he thought was the real her. First impressions really did make a difference apparently, but his comments about the kiss smelled off to her. As much as she wanted to kiss him, again she had a few things to address first.

"No matter which path I took, one member of my family is going to be on the opposite side, so don't you say I'm hiding who I really am," she replied. Getting up, she once again placed a hand against his temple, and their closeness once again made her heart beat a little bit faster. "I'm not driven by being accepted Connor, I was at that time because I had just had my parents reject me and I was meeting a sister who was a Jedi. Anyone would be worrying about rejection . . . but I think you need to see the real me."

Bringing memories up within her mind, she sent them to him. Flashes of her growing up, reading in libraries, surrounded by her teammates and friends from her younger school days and college, her parents doting on her, trips with her father on archaeology digs, sparring with her mother in the Mandalorian style, leading her college fencing team to two sector championships, the joy she felt when she received her diploma after all the hard work she had done.

Stepping back a moment, she said quietly, "That was my life before that fateful day . . . and the only reason I joined the Sith initially was I was torn up about what happened and wanted to control the darkness in me. I was never fully loyal to any of those so called colleagues of mine, none of them were my friends except my apprentice and she turned back to the light before another Sith, her husband actually, killed her. That was a wake up call too."

Going back to the table with a sigh, her back to him, she said, "If you really think I don't care about you, and it was futile . . . just feel it then."

Opening her Force presence up completely for him to feel, with no possible way to hide anything, he would see her growing feelings for him. Actual, genuine feelings and concern for him.

"You never did ask your next question," she said quietly, picking up the salve and applying it to a burn on her cheek, still with her back to him so he couldn't see the small amount of tears on her eyelashes.

 

[Connor Harrison]

As she came closer, Connor’s head moved back slightly, watching her hands and not stopping her, but standing there with caution. He closed his eyes as more images came – ones that reminded him of his own upbringing. Loving parents, playing and working hard, eager to push yourself and still remember everything important to you, peace and innocence.

And she stopped, and the conversation continued to be a self-evaluation of Taeli’s own life; the choices and faults and events that had brought here now. Connor didn’t move when she turned back, but her open aura with the Force hit him hard.

”Question? Will you open the door, that’s mine.”

Shoulders sinking slightly, he was glad she couldn’t see the expression crossing his face; confusion and a gasp for breath at the flood of emotion centred around him. He looked to the door and moved to it, looking for a lever or hatch. He needed air – he felt off.

”I need to get out of here...” he breathed.

It wasn’t panic, but it was something, and he didn’t know how to control it, but he was scared of it – and he wanted out before something happened he, or she, may live to regret. His head turned slightly over his shoulder.

”Taeli, open the door or I’ll break it down.”

[member="Darth Arcanix"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"Fine . . ." she sighed, a flick of her hand and the door opened for Connor to walk out of the room. Taeli stayed where she was, a single tear falling down her cheek. She had told herself to be strong, to not let this get to her, but it had all the same. He would know how she felt though . . . even if he didn't feel the same at all.

"I wouldn't you to break the door or your hand after all," she said, her voice a bit shaky. "I did build this ship myself, designed it myself, so it's a pain when you have to replace doors. . ."

He was probably going to go back to his ship and leave, and Taeli sighed again as she came to that conclusion. Why oh why did she have to kiss him and reveal this now? She had planned to be gradual, but his teetering on the edge had driven her to be more . . . direct in her approach. He would run . . . and probably fall because he wouldn't be able to look at her without thinking about how she felt the kiss that still left her lips tingling.

 

[Connor Harrison]

Leaning on the door, eyes closed, it didn’t take long for the door to hiss open, parting enough for Connor to push through. The loading ramp was still down, grains of sand inside the ship from the outside breeze. His boots crunched over them as he moved across and down the ramp out into the cool evening air as Taeli’s aura let him go from wrapping around him.

He didn’t know if he wanted to be sick again, to cry, or to lash out. Walking around the ship, he saw his own in the distance, just, by the complex he landed beside as the light was waning. Glancing up into the sky, and one of the pale moons could be seen breaking through the atmosphere.

Feigning a stretch, arms pushing out and frustrated moan coming from him, Connor pushed his hands to his eyes as if to keep everything inside; the poison, the emotion, the confusion, the pain. He was walking still, but not very fast.

Connor had cleared the sleek ship and just gave up, sinking to his knees and pushing down into the soft ground beneath him, pushing with the Force to cause a tremor across the ground. His teeth and eyes were clenched together, and at that moment, he envisioned cutting down a familiar face with his blade – with no hesitation, he pierced their body with his blade, pulling their shoulder towards him to impale them on the lightsaber as life drained away.

Kneeling on the ground, Connor’s breath was heavy and deep, and he couldn’t see it, but small tendrils of amber were slowly snaking into his eyes again.

The figure he imagined was himself.

[member="Darth Arcanix"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

She let him go, but she could feel it. The inner turmoil and anguish, and her instincts began to kick in. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she descended the ramp a little after him and she could see him kneeling in the dirt, the dark side trying to once again rise within him. Slowly walking over to him, she knelt down in the dirt beside himself and just hugged him. It wasn't a hug that would have followed the kiss if he felt the same, it was hug of comfort . . to let him know that at least she was here to help him with his darkness.

What a pair they made, the Jedi teetering on the edge of darkness and the Sith that was embracing the light. It was a strange mirror of things, a strange dichotomy that hadn't happened in a very long time, if at all.

"Connor . . . everything will be okay . . ." she whispered, keeping the hug tight. She knew what he was going through, the darkness would try and overwhelm you, try to let your anguish and grief feed it until it was replaced by anger, loathing, hatred, greed . . . all of those dark emotions. If it hadn't been for meeting Corvus after she had killed her parents . . . she probably would have fallen further into darkness, becoming something far darker than she was.

"It's okay to grieve, to be confused by why our galaxy is cruel and takes those we care about away," she continued to whisper. "You can't blame yourself, loathe yourself for everything that has happened in your life as a Jedi. We have as little control over the future as an ant does over us. The future is always in motion and I . . . I don't want you to fall . . . I don't want to be an enemy of yours . . . I . . .I . . ."

She trailed off there and simply held him, stroking his hair gently.

 

[Connor Harrison]

The next thing Connor felt was a gentle force on his shoulder; a hand. He knew it was her. He had hoped it would be, because he didn’t think he could carry on much further without one more ounce of comfort; of reassurance.

Keeping his eyes closed to block everything out, like a child would, if you can’t see anything bad then nothing bad will happen, Connor calmed his breathing and just stayed still listening to Taeli speak.

”I won’t fall. I...I’ll be alright. Everything will be alright.”

The words drifted from his mouth, his voice light and carefree. Nearly drifting off to sleep, Connor forced his eyes open, the cool evening still there and he himself still on his knees.

”If what you say is true…will you… I want to know how the Sith operate. Let me use this…for good. I can do it Corvy. Trust me.”

Eyes half closed, the soothing touch upon his brow, it was so relaxing. He hadn’t even known he’d spoken her name.

”Stand with me or I’ll leave you forever...and you'll be safe.”

[member="Darth Arcanix"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

Hearing her sister's name was painful for her, but she had known he had feelings for her sister. It was almost like one of those romance novels her best friend from college loved to read, a complicated love triangle. One sister loved the man, the other just viewed him as a friend, and the man loved the sister who viewed him as a friend.

"Sleep, Connor Harrison, sleep," she whispered gently, using the soft touch of the Force to lull him into an even more peaceful state. She doubted he had slept an actual restful sleep in a long time, and she would make sure he got that at least. He might have feelings for her sister . . . but she would still be here for him. If he truly wanted to learn how Sith operate, she would answer his questions . . . but she would not let him be driven by vengeance, nor would she teach him any Sith techniques.

As he slumbered off, exhaustion taking him no doubt, she started to sing under her breath, something most people didn't know she could do very well.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone,
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him,
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain, the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him

 

[Connor Harrison]

Grey eyes started to get heavy, the amber slinking away. Connor looked at nothing as he gave in.

”Don’t go...”

His legs automatically shuffled to the side and he slumped down on Taeli, head lolling forward and breathing slower as he started to sleep, the singing not even reaching the end of the first line before he had gone.

[member="Darth Arcanix"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"I won't go . . ." she whispered, using the Force to gently lower him to the ground for a moment. Looking up at the moon and around at the surrounding area, she sighed and lifted him up with the Force and moved him to her ship. Setting him on her own bed, she took the chair in the corner next to her bookshelves and curled up with some blankets . . . as much as she wanted to curl up with him.

He was exhausted, and so was she, and she needed to finish treating her burns from earlier. Getting up before she settled in, she went to the medbay and applied more of the salve. Once done, she looked at herself in the mirror as she changed into something more comfortable and sighed again. She wasn't ever going to give up on this man . . . even if he fell, she would try and find a way to save him.

Going back into her room, she looked at his sleeping form and carefully removed his singed armor and placed it in a neat pile next to the bed. Going back into her chair, she curled up with a small book and started to read . . . or at least that was her plan. She was asleep almost immediately, the events of the day had been draining for her too.

*Time skip*​

​

By the morning, both were still sleeping, with Taeli curled up in her chair and book on her lap. Her dreams had been plagued with different visions, a light side Connor and her battling the Sith on some faraway world, a dark sided version of them with him kneeling before her in a throne, a dark sided version of him running her through., her running him through.

 

[Connor Harrison]

He didn't dream, instead he simply slept peacefully for the first time in many, many months. There was no swirling vision playing out in his head, no voices, no guilt or pain - just nothingness until he stirred under the sheets in his bunk, eyes opening softly.

However, it took him a moment to see that the drapes by the side weren't his - his bunk faced either the wardrobe on one side or the kitchenette on the other. Pushing up on his arms, wincing slightly, he noticed that he wasn't in the Temple on Voss. This wasn't a dream. He was in Taeli's ship still. He was still living the nightmare.

With a gentle light from the overhead units, Connor noticed she was asleep in a chair, book on her lap and looking so peaceful. In the aftermath of all the pain and violence Connor had brought to her, she was still here. No armed guard, no hostility...just her and her word to help him. A crack of a smile formed on the corner of his lips.

Feeling his torso bare under the sheets, he paid no attention to the alien-looking scars on his right side and the small ripples of pink flesh where the burns of Sochi's killer had raked his chest. Even his right arm bore a wonderfully nasty mangle of scar tissue from the wrist up. He looked like he was ready to fall to bits. Stubble, bed hair...this was the worst Connor had felt and looked for a long time. His armor, lightsaber and few bits from his utility belt were piled on the floor beside Taeli.

Rubbing the back of his head in silence, his eyes came to and he thought about everything that had gone on minutes...hours...days before? He didn't know. He sat up in silence and stare at his hands on the bed, half covered with the sheet, and actually felt glad nobody knew where he was; it felt good to be away from such nonsense like Orders and meetings and councils.

Connor lay back down, lacing his tender fingers and stared up at the metallic ceiling and didn't rush to do anything for the first time in a long time.

[member="Darth Arcanix"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

It took awhile for Taeli to stir from her chair, she had actually been rather comfortable as she hadn't skimped on furniture for her personal ship. The book fell from her lap onto the floor with a dull clunk, it was over eight hundred pages after all, but she had wanted some light reading. Blinking slowly, sleep still making her vision a little hazy, she could feel her hair was slightly messed up from how she had fallen asleep. There was a bump in her bed? Why was there a . . . OH!

Her face slowly started to turn red as she thought about Connor laying in her bed . . . and seeing her in her nightgown and fuzzy pants. Most certainly not a look for a Sith Lady, but she didn't really care about that. She wasn't a Sith anymore . . . at least in her opinion. Breathing deeply for a few more moments, she got her blush under control.

"Good morning," she said gently, stifling a yawn and stretching a bit as she slowly got to her feet, feet that were bare and feeling a bit cool against the floor of her ship. "I hope you slept well. . ."

 

[Connor Harrison]

He didn't look over to Taeli, he just closed his eyes and continued to breath steadily, forgetting everything.

"Better than I have in a while, thank you."

Shuffling slighty, he wriggled his toes and enjoyed the feel of rather luxurious shee - what was he doing? He had a lot of work to do. Exhaling, he sat up and wiped his eyes, turning to look at her. Connor hadn't seen a woman like this before, and he didn't know what was going on anymore.

"I have to go - I've got to sort this out, I need to go to the Temple. I need to fix this."

I, I, I. Me, me, me; all about what to and the urgency to do it.

"Thank you for letting me sleep here, Taeli Raaf."

He looked at her and nodded, a small, feeble smile given to her in her pretty nightgown.

[member="Darth Arcanix"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"You can sleep here as often as you like," she sleepily mumbled . . . until her words reach her ears and she was wide awake. "I mean . . . you know, if you ever need somewhere quiet . . . uh . . . not you know . . . other meanings! Not that I don't think your attractive or anything . . . I mean you know and uh . . . I'm just going to be quiet now."

Her face was once again bright red, and she tried to get her blush under control. Part of it receded, but most of it remained from her embarrassment. She also didn't want to see him go . . . but she supposed he did have duties to attend to with the Silver Jedi. He seemed out of danger for now anyways.

"Um . . . if you ever need any help or . . . you just want to um . . . chat . . . you have my comm code," she said, shuffling her feet. "I'll pick up as quickly as I can. I would like to keep in contact . . . if that's okay with you . . . if it's not . . . I understand. Oh, if you wouldn't mind not mentioning this to my sister when you see her next . . . well you can mention some stuff but . . . maybe not the kiss or seeing me in my comfy clothes."

Steeling herself though, she sat down on the edge of the bed and said, "In all serious though, Connor. Don't think you have to take the weight of the world onto your shoulders, please. You aren't alone."