Private Compassion & Compromise (Kyra Perl)

[Caedyn Arenais]

As was often the case, Kyra Perl didn't appear overly confident nor convinced of his responding explanation. With time she would come to see things as Caedyn had explained them, and perhaps also understand that while relationships were important to maintain and to keep close to one's heart, there would also be her own duties and responsibilities to the Order that would keep her busy and more often than not, distracted from such thoughts.

"We can" Caedyn answered with a nod. He was curious to see how far they could push this new avenue of training of which they were only first trialing today. For this purpose, Caedyn decided that he would utilize the form that she had seemed most interested in pursuing. Ataru.

"We'll spar as per the usual, however I won't only be on the defensive this time. Hone in on my persona again, try to study the way my mind works in terms of what I'm focusing on. What am I feeling, and how is my body reacting to my will and the flow of the Force around me" he suggested as Caedyn moved back across the mat to retake his starting position, turning to face his Padawan and bowing to her, as was their way.

 

[Kyra Perl]

They must have felt like such simple terms to Caedyn, but the terms in which he set up the exercise felt like a million tiny balls all which she had to juggle. Doing even one of those tasks were a strain for her, the padawan unused to exercising her mind, or her abilities, in such an intentional way. She didn't tell him that, too ashamed of how behind she felt. Maybe if she just tried ... it would work out?

She stood, no confidence to her form as she opened her Light Saber and slowly came to stand before him.

"...are you sure?" She asked him, clearly not herself.

His answer was predictable. Of course he was sure. She swallowed hard and raised her saber, the tentative attempt to sense him made again.

She felt his disapproval over her lack of bow at once. She blinked hard and stumbled to bow in return. Flustered movements were made to try and recollect herself, but feeling her own hands, and then his-- her unsurity and his sense of self-- She could not sit back and simply absorb it all, her attention narrowing in on one thing or the next. It was neat to note how easily she could sense his being.

But overwhelming to sense so much at once.

She didn't attack first, her shoulders tense and gaze darting as she tried... to master... the sensation.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"...are you sure?".

Caedyn's head tilted marginally in response to Kyra Perl 's uncertainty, evidence in that she was struggling to feel confident in their new approach; Natural as this was new ground for both of them. Caedyn himself didn't often let people in so much as he was his Padawan, exposing his personal demeanor in both mental and spiritual form. To date, Asaraa had been the only one outside of his family to be able to read him in such an intimate level. There was no professional barrier unlike that which he maintained between himself and other students of the Order; thus he certainly understood her own sense of uncertainty and self-doubt.

"Would you prefer that I keep things defensive only?" he asked out of consideration and concern for his Padawan. The formality of bowing aside, he did not wish to risk discouraging her in what he felt was a turning point in their training together, "I would prefer we practice at a level you're comfortable with. We have nothing but time to get this right" he added, offering her a firm nod in assurance, followed by a gentle smile.

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra gave him a strained look, wanting very much to tell him no... this was fine. She could do it. He didn’t have to make adjustments for her— a padawan of her level could absolutely handle this level of mental strain.

She wanted to say all these things, but she couldn’t. It simply wasn’t true. The spare moment she managed to keep her thoughts on task slipped out from under her at the first sensory distraction. Sensations battled for her attention, sending her this way and that— overwhelming and overloading. Her shoulders rose, stress building in her chest.

Stood before him was a girl that had never, not for a moment, managed to meditate before. What he asked from her was reasonable, but it did not change the fact that for Kyra, the bite was too big.

“It’s to much,” she finally whispered, before a single blow occurred. She stepped back, shaking her head, struggling to tell apart her lips from his. She was focusing on all the wrong things. She touched her face, unable to voicalize the strangeness of the exchange.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn gave a nod in acknowledgement and soon deactivated his Lightsaber, returning the hilt to the magna-lock clamp upon his belt. "That's good to know" he replied, "It's wise to be able to acknowledge your boundaries...-And to be quite honest, I've not trained in this methods before myself so it's important that we don't rush ahead before we're both ready" he offered a gentle smile.

Truthfully, Caedyn was all too aware of Kyra Perl 's struggle in meditation practices. She'd not hesitated to argue with him and accuse him of hating her for the way their last attempts had gone. However, they had made some ground since then and with this particular new process of training together, perhaps it was high time they revisited the practice.

"I know you're not a fan of the subject but..." He chuckled softly, "We could apply this technique of ours to meditation?".

 

[Kyra Perl]

Oddly enough he received a look of relief, a puff of breath escaping her lips as nerves and stress alike melted form her body. Other teachers would know the difficulty that it was to get Kyra to focus on their lesson. The fact that Caedyn had her full effort for so long was not something to discredit.

When Caedyn had come into their apprenticeship he had wanted nothing but a solid bond with a padawan. Kyra’s change in attitude, from resisting to unwilling, looked bad from the outside. But he would be able to sense the deep seated fear inside her chest as he tried to challenge her. Kyra wasn’t incapable, she was petrified of failing.

She had been running from a family name for so long, there was no foundation. It only amplified the problems representing themselves in the classroom— and now before him.

She wasn’t unwilling to try. She was unwilling to fail. For the first time in years, a teacher was standing before her offering a hand through all the walls she had set up. Back to the basics. She could do that with him. It was embarrassing... but he smile kindly, and from his chest she could feel the sense of earnestness that allowed her to lower her walls...

And be vulnerable.

“I...guess,” she whispered. Her saber closed. She lowered herself to the ground with that same sense of trepidation, as if the slightest intact of breath would shatter the moment ... and she’d regret trying at all.

“You’ll have to show me.” It was a statement, spoken like a plea. Some turning points were subtle, only to be identified year later down the road. For her, that was this moment. For him?

Who knew.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

There it was again, that hint of progress between them. It encouraged a wider, approving smile in response to hearing her willingness but most especially her subtle acknowledgement in asking him to lead the way. Kyra Perl wasn't the type to admit when she was struggling, for fear of looking bad as well as reinforcing her expectation of inevitable failure that she held over herself. The slightest mishap could crush her confidence, and this was something her Master had come to learn through much trial and error, and with no lack of complaints and arguing between them.

"Sounds like a good idea to me" he replied, sounding rather pleased. It was small steps such as these that really made him feel encouraged in their partnership as Master and Padawan, but it also ran deeper than that, Caedyn was driven to see Kyra succeed and while that didn't mean he would go easy on her, merely seeing that she was willing to give things a shot was motivation enough to battle through whatever complaint might come his way next.

Shifting to take a crossed legged position upon the floor some small distance between them, Caedyn placed his hands upon his knees and sought to relax his posture some. "When you're feeling up to it, see if you can't read me like you did during our sparring. Not just my emotions, but my state of mind and body, as well as the Force around me. I know it sounds like a lot but don't rush it. Just observe" he suggested, offering her a final nod and encouraging smile before then seeking to focus upon the practice of meditation itself.

As he had taught the class so long ago, Caedyn's first steps were to focus on his breathing. Closing his eyes, he listened to the sound of his breath as he drew it in slowly from his nose, held it for two or three seconds, and then exhaling. It wasn't an instantaneous response, but with repetition his heart rate would gradually slow, and without consciously realizing it, Caedyn had stopped listening to his breathing altogether. A calmness had washed over him.

 

[Kyra Perl]

Why was he so happy? This was embarrassing! If not for the sense of approval he had, she would have closed right back on up. But truth be told, Kyra was a sucker for positive reinforcement. It occupied her attention as she watched him settled down and clear his thoughts. She mirrored him, her back slowly straightening with purpose as she followed his lead.

She felt him focus on his breath— yes yes, she knew all of that— his breath loud in their quiet room as he exhaled it through his lips. She just wanted to do this right.

He breathed in.

She didn’t wanna feel him being disappointed in her.

He breathed out.

She tried hard to sink into him.

He breathed in.

The environment around them was calm.

He breathed out.

Only he tugged at her attention.

He breathed in.

She lost sense of his fingers as his attention left them.

He breathed out.

The calm was strangely comforting— a balm against her raw nerves.

He breathed in.

She sunk deeper into it, soothed.

They breathed out.

Their thoughts were still.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn had achieved the first stage of meditation, to clear the mind of all thoughts, feelings and concerns. There was not a single distraction, nor would there be had someone to enter the room and unintentionally disturb them. Caedyn's practice with meditation had developed over time and he could do so for hours on end if need be; whether it was in his quarters or aboard the Vagabond Heavy Cruiser which was rife with noise and disturbances from the crew. His form was flawless and his mind truly at peace within himself.

However, there was more to meditation than the mere calming of one's own body and mind. As he had explained many times to Kyra Perl , meditation was the gateway to abilities advanced in the practice of the Force, and through exploring the depths of energies flowing throughout their environment as well as testing the limits of their own control and will to shape it into something tangible, many students depended on this practice to progress. It was time for his Padawan to experience the Force in a way she had never done before.

Reaching out with his mind, his consciousness expanded and he was met with a sensation of warmth washing over him. There was a presence there with him, not of his Padawan's but the whisper of life itself. The Force wasn't just some power that people talked about or proved through their abilities, but here in this moment it was a living presence that flowed through them both, connecting them to every other living presence across the Silver Rest.

Caedyn's sense of sight was removed of his physical limitations and he could suddenly see and feel everything happening around him. Not just within their training room, but within the training wing of the Silver Rest itself. The presence of other students were so strong, it was as though they were right there beside the two, able to read into their movements and baseline feelings whether sad or frustrated, their efforts within training against one another or under the tutelage of their Masters alike Kyra herself had done.

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra gasped, her awareness flickering to life inside the moment. She had fallen still, not unlike his first encounter with her abilities- her mind had melded and mirrored his own. Such relaxation into the connection was not the only part of what he was teaching. Ideally Kyra would gain an independent sense of awareness, and an ability to bring her own senses to the state that he helped her fall into.

Her jump back into awareness was unexpected, but fueled by her sudden sense of awe. The blatant sense of separation brought her back to her body, making her a back seat driver to all he showed her. It was strange, but she remained grounded with him, watching what he had to impart. A sense of unbelievability echoing from her as the force furled out around them, tapped into by Caedyn as he guided her through.

Wanna know a secret? Kyra had never thought the force was real. Having that perspective misproven was... her eyes drifted open, questions on the tip of her tongue.

The most rhetorical of them all came first. “How did you do that?” It was what she could do. On crack.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Kyra Perl

His Padawan's words were heard, though did not disturb his trance; The term used for when one delves successfully into meditation and or otherwise when one becomes incoherent to the present for the sake of another state of mind. However, as she had been brought back to the present, Caedyn willed himself to do the same, returning his sense of focus to the immediate and gradually opening his eyes, needing a moment to collect himself.

"You were able to experience all of that as well?" Caedyn responded with a question of his own, a grin taking shape as he assumed as much by way of her reaction and questioning him. They had truly broken ground today, not only in discovering a method that worked for them both, but reinforcing and actually being able to prove to her that all his talk and lectures regarding meditating weren't just done to scorn her.

"If I'd hazard a guess, what you just witnessed was a level of meditation that I'd expect of a senior student to be able to attain prior to their becoming a Jedi Knight. We're really only scratching the surface here, but that was a state of meditation which can be achieved over years of practice. Comunion with the Force is possible much sooner, but in how much it allows you to see...-Well, I could have taken us much farther".

 

[Kyra Perl]

It was incredible. All the things people had said— all the lessons the masters had tried to impart— all the skills— all the power— all the frustration that had ever been brought forward over her progress...

It all made sense then.

It was a state of mind any senior padawan should be able to achieve.

She was senior. She was entering that stage. She was expected to preform tasks and skills that time and time again had been beyond her, and now she understood why.

Why tapas were hard.

Why she had hit her head.

Why she had gotten hurt so bad ... by both sith.

Tears built on her waterline, the awe becoming replaced by a sense of hopelessness. She was behind. So behind. Did you know they kick padawans out that fail their knight test? Yeah. Send them to the outer rim, to serve food slop to the homeless.

Yeah. Sitma said so. She was screwed.

“I don’t have years,” she uttered, her voice catching with this emotion. She had wasted so much! He saw growth from her today. She saw a death sentence.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn frowned in concern as he studied and heard Kyra Perl 's response. She was still determined to put a deadline on her training, as though that time was quickly running out. While it was true that those who were not fit to become Jedi Knights were given other means of purpose to fulfill their path and duty to the Force, there was no set time on when a Padawan were to undergo their trials of Knighthood beyond the simple prerequisite that their Master and residing Council felt they were ready.

"What exactly makes you think that?" Caedyn asked her, wanting to look deeper into this fear of his Padawan's. This need to keep up with everyone else, the belief that she was failing. To his mind, she had made progress since they had met and that was exactly what the Assembly had hoped for when they had encouraged Caedyn to meet with Kyra. The only one presently disappointed with her...was in fact, Kyra herself.

"You're my Padawan, there's no set time for completing your training. It's not about who's ahead of who, or how long you have left. Your training is about the progress you make, and a journey of personal growth and experience".

 

[Kyra Perl]

All pretty little words that felt hallow to her. He didn’t know what it felt like to have a family name to live up to. Or maybe he did— it was all so confusing being so exposed to him— having his casual acceptance of a situation that brought about her primal fears. There were no words or things he could impart to her to address them.

They simple were. And like some lessons, they could only be addressed by her in time.

Still, it wasn’t easy having her vulnerable bits laid out to him. Even if he wasn’t judging, he didn’t agree. That was enough to break the stillness he had instilled in her. She pulled back, arms wrapped around herself, untrained attempts to seperate their mind made.

It was messy, even a little painful, but he had wondered once over how to help her achieve her own sense of self. She was trying to do it in that moment. The mental shove back spoke volumes. This was a closed topic from her.

“I haft a go to the bathroom.” Typical teenage escape. There was no pressure on her bladder.

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

It had always been said that an Apprenticeship teaches both sides of the relationship as time and experience progresses, and in this Caedyn was coming to understand the sentiment personally, seeing it through his own lived situations and training sessions with Kyra Perl , as opposed to hearing it from a data reiteration. What he was learning, and came to mind in this particular moment, was that he had to take the victories with the losses, that progress came through perseverance and it all contributed to the bigger picture.

"That's fine..." Caedyn replied. His Padawan's request, if you could call it that, had been blunt and conclusive, as if there were no other need greater than to get away. He had seen this in Kyra before, a number of times now and after the success they had today, decided not to push things too far. "Would you like to continue training afterwards, or do you need a break?" he asked, giving her the choice as to where to go from there.

Either way, he was proud of her. Despite all that she found to be difficult, Kyra was persevering and while she may have discounted this to be an every day thing for students of the Order, Caedyn still gave her credit in that it took courage to battle against one's self doubts and fears. He himself had been there before.