Private Don't Dream It's Over

[Ishani Dinn]

"I uh... You can have my bed tonight."

She stirred. "What about you?"

Not that she'd kick him out of his own bed. She'd just sleep beside him, without touching.

But it seemed he intended to stay awake.

"The sheets are fresh. I promise. Go on, it's the room next to where the kids are laying."

She stood up, but hesitated to leave. A hand gently reached up, but never made contact with his cheek, afraid he would flinch away from her touch.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Though he wasn't looking her way, Arcturus caught her lingering hand with his own, fingers curling around her wrist. He felt his breath hitch within his throat, which threatened to constrict and resist any breath he tried to breathe after the fact. It was a gentle gesture though, he did not hold her in place, the grip wasn't tight.

The feel of her skin under the touch of his was like static. He couldn't decide how he felt about it, but he didn't much want to let go, either. He brought her hand down instead, flexing his thumb over her wrist, and then finally peered up at her.

In moments like these it was impossible to deny her beauty. His gut stirred, heart fluttered, but he knew better than to act on it. Instead he held her in that intense gaze for a little while longer, before gently returning her hand to her side. Reluctance was palpable when he released his hold.

"Sleep well, Ish," he breathed, barely able to get the words out.

Force, the next few weeks of travel were going to be unbearable.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

His hand clasped hers, and he met her gaze with a level of intensity she hadn't seen in a long time. His grasp remained gentle, enough that she could've pulled away, but she didn't. Her eyes upon him were soft, wondering how this man who slaughtered her captors and looked upon her with barely restrained longing could be the same one who had raged at her, calling her selfish and childish. She'd been quick to take his words at face value, believing everything he said about her—after all, didn't he know her better than she knew herself? Never mind that four years had passed for her since that day in the Korriban valley when they had become one. Perhaps his time in the Nether and the months spent wandering afterwards had taken their toll on him, too.

Eventually he let her hand drop. She exited the cockpit, heading for the bedroom. The sheets were indeed fresh, but he'd missed a pillow. She caught the scent of him as she fell into his bed. For a moment she almost instinctively wanted to push it away, throw the pillow across the room even. Instead, she wound up wrapping her arms around it, breathing in the lingering ephemera of him.

She felt like an idiot afterwards, but it was a rare day that Ishani Sibwarra didn't feel like an idiot. At least now she could sleep, able to sense his presence so close by...

In the morning she made a breakfast of sorts from the MREs aboard Beholder. The twins sat at the table, barefoot in their pajamas, along with Nostre, who was being fed rations by Marcus.

"Why are you fancy?" Eloise asked, pointing to the dress Ishani was wearing.

For a moment Ishani was blindsided by the question, lost in her own thoughts. The dress had been brought over with the rest of her clothes by Arc, and she happened to spot it at the top of the pile. It was something she'd almost forgotten she'd made, part of her experiments with alchemy just before everything fell apart and she had to hide away her magic. Now that Eloise had pointed it out, it occurred to her that donning the dress may have had more subconscious significance than she thought.

She pinched the silky fabric, watching the light play off it, then replied, "Because today you two are going to meet your daddy."

"I already know he's Daddy, Mommy," Marcus mumbled through a mouthful of food.

"How'd you figure it out?"

"He called me his son," Marcus explained, pointing to himself. "And he came to rescue us from the pirates, which is what daddies do."

"He's Daddy?" Eloise exclaimed. "Why didn't anybody tell me?"

"'Cause you hit him!" Marcus replied. "He prolly doesn't like you now."

Eloise's eyes widened, and then she started to cry.

"Marcus," Ishani groaned, going over to pick her up. "Don't say that. He loves you both." She had no idea what Marcus was even referring to, but Eloise was distraught over it. Ishani waited until she started to calm down, wiped her tears with a tissue, then said, "If he's awake now, you can go to him and say you're sorry, okay?" Looking at both the twins, she sighed. "He can't stay with us all the time, but he will come back every now and then to spend time with us. It's a compromise."

"What's compromise?" Marcus asked.

"A compromise is what you do when you can't have everything you want, so you make a deal to have some of what you want, and some of what you don't want. Otherwise you'd get nothing." Ishani took a deep breath, then stood up, setting Eloise down on the floor. "Okay, let's go."

She ushered them toward the cockpit, or wherever Arcturus was now. This was not how she expected any of this to go, but then why make a big ceremony of it anyway? This was just the beginning of the rest of their lives, after all. Eh, maybe she'd bake a cake later or something.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

After she left, Arcturus returned the seat to be front facing and leaned his head back against the rest. A long sigh was drawn out, and he kicked his feet up onto the console. He might have fallen asleep there, if not for the constant throbbing ache in his arm; instead, once the pain became too annoying to sit through, he rose up and made his way toward the hatch ladder which would bring him up to the top of the tank which surrounded the inner cube of the ship, and therein he stripped down and lowered himself into the water alongside the jellyfish.

Careful to remain away from the viewing ports which afforded those inside the ship a view of the jellies, he just floated there for a while. Submerged as he was, he didn't require any sort of mask in order to breathe. Nope, the water was utterly fascinating in that it wasn't really water at all, it simply acted like it, and oxygen could pass through it simply enough.

Slowly but surely the wound began to heal, as did others he hadn't even realized he'd sustained.

A few hours passed before he exited the water, dried himself off, and conjured up a fresh set of clothes from the Nether. Therein he returned to the cockpit, removed his jacket in order to use it as something of a blanket, and fell asleep in the pilots seat right where he could monitor the ships progress toward Leviathan.

Thankfully nothing went awry, nothing caused him to awaken, so he slept up until he heard a trio of footsteps beyond the cockpit door which had him roused. He stifled a yawn with the back of his hand, shifted in his seat, and moved his feet off the top of the consoles just in time for the door to open.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Ishani knocked first. The door opened to reveal a sleepy-looking Arcturus. She was about to ask if he’d rather they left him alone, but thought better of it. Just as well, since Marcus ran past her, and Eloise, not about to be outpaced by her brother, followed soon after.

Marcus reached the chair first, immediately trying to climb up and into Arcturus’ lap. “Daddy!” he exclaimed, with a huge grin.

Eloise was more solemn in her approach. She stood by his knee, her hands clasped in front of her. “I’m sorry I hit you. I thought you were a pirate, but you’re really my father.”

This elicited a soft snort from Ishani, who stayed in the background for now. After all, this was mainly for the kids and for Arc, not for her. Or so she believed.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

As tired as he was, the sight of two children rushing headlong toward him was more than enough to rouse him fully. Truth be told he was totally blindsided by the entire experience. When had they found out? Who had...-- Had Ishani made up her mind already?

He glanced past the kids to a lingering Ishani who seemed to want to remain out of the way, and his mouth opened; before he could say anything though Eloise was apologizing to him. Gaze lowered down to her, and he plucked her up from the ground and set her on one knee while Marcus climbed onto the other.

"Don't ever apologize for standing up for yourself and your brother," he told her softly, "but also... You're going to have to learn to pick your battles, little miss." He fussed her hair, and her brothers, before looking back toward Ishani. He leaned an arm around the boy to extend a hand toward her, beckoning her closer. "You going to just stand out in the hallway, silly?"

From beyond the cockpit he could smell the remnants of breakfast. His stomach growled loudly in response.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Arcturus’ acceptance seemed to break the spell. Eloise hugged him tightly, refusing to let go. Meanwhile Marcus was full of questions. “Are you really a knight? Can I be a knight too? How come you can’t be here all the time? Grandpa said you were an evil unholy sorcerer. Can you do magic? Is the mouse magic? Your spaceship looks like magic.”

At Arc’s beckoning, Ishani took a few steps forward. “Is there enough room for me on your lap?” she joked. Leaning forward slowly, she gave him ample time to avoid her gentle kiss. “Compromise accepted,” she whispered.

“Ew,” said Eloise, covering her eyes.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Where once his son had seemed reserved and quiet, now it was as though a dam had broken and question after question came flooding from his lips. That warranted a soft chuckle. Eloise was holding him so tightly it felt as though she'd fused herself to him, and he wrapped his free arm around her in a return of the embrace. His eyes still lingered on Ishani throughout it all though, taking note of her initial hesitancy.

He'd caused that, of course, by pushing her away so frequently. And where the future would lead them? Well... Frankly he didn't know. But in that moment he was washed up in it all, two children in his arms, and the woman he'd loved deeply enough to produce them walking toward him. Suffice to say he might not have been entirely in his right mind, reason wasn't at the forefront. So Arcturus temporarily threw caution to the wind, they could figure it out later.

For now... Well, for now he'd have his cake and eat it.

Perhaps he shouldn't have. Maybe he should have been thinking about the consequences, about Ishani, and how it might look; she knew he wouldn't be around all the time, yet she was still okay with this? Knew he'd be away... And yet all the same she kissed him. Accepted the compromise.

As fleeting as the kiss was, he didn't pull back. If anything he took the moment to lean into it. To give himself that which he'd been denying since his return to the Galaxy. Fervent, yet timid, it was over as quickly as it began. Eloise apparently found the whole thing yucky; oh to be a child again.

His soft gaze lingered on Ishani after the fact, a solemn nod his only response to her acceptance of the compromise. But then he realized he'd quite ignored the incessant questioning of his son. He peered over at Marcus soon after.

"Now... Which of those questions did you want the answer to first?" he inquired, perking a brow.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

She kept telling herself that she was doing it for the kids, to give them a father. For Arcturus, to give him more purpose, another reason to keep going, a home to come back to when he tired of wandering. She understood now more than ever the fragility of it all, and vowed that she would remain constant even if nothing else did.

When he kissed her back, and she felt again that untamed love of his straining toward her, she struggled to maintain her composure. There were supposed to be limits in a compromise, weren’t there? Why couldn’t she feel them anymore? Why did the future suddenly seem so open and hopeful again?

“All of them!” she heard Marcus say, replying to something Arc had said. The kiss was over; she was standing upright again. For a moment Ishani remained there in silence, then suddenly she was gone. She returned a few minutes later with some MREs, and offered them to Arc, figuring he hadn’t eaten yet.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Ishani rushed from the room.

Arcturus found himself torn between chasing after her and remaining with the children; he chose the latter, if only to give the woman a moment with her thoughts. This was for the kids, right? Then his focus should be on them. All the same he watched her leave, before turning his attention back to Marus.

A genuine smile played over his expression, unable to contain itself.

"All of them at once?" he asked, with an astonished expression; then he proceeded to speak in gobbledygook, pretending that he was answering all of the boys many questions in tandem. No doubt the pair were giving him weird looks by the end of it, but he didn't mind. It was nice to be a goofball every once in a while -he'd quite forgotten how that felt.

He finished it off with a light laugh, before shaking his head.

"Alright, alright... Yes, Nostre is magic and very special. You take good care of him, alright? And if you ever need me, you tell him. I'll know. That goes for you too, Eloise... He'll let me know anything you tell him, okay? Well... Unless you want to tell him a secret. But he'll know the difference, he's very clever like that."

The other questions... Well they were all a little more complicated, weren't they?

Some of them he didn't even know the answer to himself. Was he a Knight? Darth Empyrean had yet to make it so, but he did have a student of his own and he'd been advancing in his studies quite substantially. An evil unholy sorcerer? Well that gave him pause. Was he? Certainly there were times he worried he was becoming precisely that. Sorcerer wasn't inherently bad, though.

"And yep, I know magic. Though it's probably not as cool as your Grandpa would have you believe..." Arcturus wasn't the lightning slinging type of Sorcerer, he was more the artificer especially as of late. And the more 'magical' things he could do certainly weren't for children.

The hardest question though was the one wedged between the rest of them. That was usually the one a person truly wanted the answer to, cushioned on both sides by seemingly easier ones. He sighed, glanced between boy and girl, and then pulled them both in for a tight but not too tight hug.

"I uh... I have to travel a lot, for my work," he explained, in the most simplistic way possible. It wasn't entirely a lie, but most certainly it avoided the true crux of the problem, that being his perceived corruption. Better he be away from them most of the time, at least insofar as in person visits went. Less chance of his taint rubbing off on them. Right?

"But... I'll make sure your mommy keeps a holo-com on hand for you both, okay? So you can call me, whenever you need to see me. Do you know how holo-coms work?"

Ishani returned then, carrying with her some of the ships rations. He shifted Eloise slightly, closer to his chest so that he could free up an arm, and reached out to take one of them,

"Thanks, lo--" He bit back the word which naturally rose up, and his expression briefly twisted with confusion and grief.

Yep. This was definitely going to be a tough few weeks. His heart sank. "Thank you."

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

The gobbledygook was answered first with confusion, then with giggling. Both children were fixated on their father, their eyes never leaving him. They’d always known he existed, but to encounter him in the flesh made all the difference.

Some of the answers Arc gave just provoked even more questions. “Can you do magic tricks and stuff? Do you have a lightsaber? Can I have one?” Marcus asked.

“I can do magic too,” Eloise said. She’d been quiet for a while, nestled against Arc. If Marcus wanted to know everything about his father, she seemed content just to be near him.

“Not as good as I can,” Marcus countered. “I can take stuff apart and put it back together again, with my mind!” He pointed to his head, prompting Nostre to peek up out of the boy’s mop of mussed red hair, wondering what all the shouting was about. “And I know how holo-coms work.”

“Can I have a little sister?” Eloise asked, clearly weary of her brother’s antics.

“No. You will have only brothers,” Marcus said with a grin. “I can see the future, too.”

Ishani had arrived to hear the entire spiel about siblings, as well as to catch Arc almost calling her love. Red-faced, she considered fleeing the room again, but sat in the co-pilot’s chair instead. “Marcus is… a bit precocious,” she murmured. There was a funny story behind his early advancement, but she didn’t know how to go about explaining to Arc that his three year old son had accidentally taken a bite of a Force-imbued pastry without it sounding ridiculous. “I’m sure Eloise’s sensitivity will manifest eventually.”

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

"She's Sensitive" he stated nonchalantly once Ishani was back in the room and had passed comment on it. He had felt how much Ishani wanted out of the room almost as soon as she come back in, and in response he tried to push down the guilt he was feeling lest it swallowed him up whole. Instead he peered down at the chattery twins in his lap, placed a kiss atop each of their heads, and then leaned in to whisper.

"Alright, munchkins... Mama's looking a little like she needs a hug, isn't she? So which one of my little Knights is going to go and smother her with kisses?"

For one, Ishani really truly did look like she needed some love. For two, well, he really, really was hungry. His stomach hadn't stopped grumbling since he'd smelled their breakfast, and right now he needed food.

Badly.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

"I'm not a munchkin." But Marcus, who wanted very much to be a Knight, was the first to scramble out of the chair and across the cockpit to his mother. Eloise gave Arcturus a kiss on the cheek, then hopped down to give her mother the same. Ishani could guess why Arc was sending them to her; the conclusion was confirmed when she heard the crinkling of the MRE wrapper, and she smiled at him.

Whether the children noticed anything amiss between their parents (how strange it seemed to think of them together as parents...), it didn't seem to affect them. Ishani was grateful for that. But she knew it could only last for so long, and really, they could resolve it easily enough... right? "You can spend the day with them, and I'll talk to you after they've gone to bed," she said to Arc.

"I'm not going to bed!" Eloise exclaimed, her feistiness returning.

"Later tonight," Ishani clarified, stroking Eloise's hair. "After you've had lots of fun."

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Somewhere deep inside, Arcturus had only really planned on one of them leaving the roost that was his lap in order to scramble after their mother. Perhaps, with hindsight, he should have known better. Now he was decidedly alone, and cold, but at least he had something to eat. He pulled his legs up onto the seat with him and opened up the pack, rummaging through for all the best parts.

Huh, there was even some chocolate in this one. Welp. He took it out and lightly tossed it toward Ishani and the kids. Softened its fall through the Force so it didn't smack anyone in the face. Then began to eat.

He paused only when he heard Ishani's words.

Gulped. Set aside the provided plastic fork for a moment. "Are you planning on being elsewhere?" he asked, sheepishly, picking at one of the things he'd opened and fully intended on eating. The way she'd said it was like she was going to leave him alone with them. In time that wouldn't be a problem with him, but... Ho boy, was he feeling the pressure in that moment.

Unless he'd misunderstood entirely. Unless she'd just meant she'd give him a day with them before imposing some stipulations of her own.

Truthfully he didn't know which was worse.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Ishani blinked before realizing she'd been misunderstood. Still, she couldn't resist the urge to mess with Arc a little. "Where, uh... where would I go?" she asked with a smirk, waving her hand around. "Space surfing out the airlock? Nah, I'll still be around, babe.

"Although, that aquarium sure looks nice. Maybe I'll go for a swim." There was a slight edge in her voice, a sense of urgency as she spoke, which she realized afterwards he wouldn't know how to interpret. He hadn't lived to see her claimed by the Call of the Sea.

Hadn't lived?

Well, the Nether was the afterlife, so in a way yes, he'd come back from the grave.

Great, I've got a zombie boyfriend.

"I'll still be here, with you all. I'm just..." Afraid she would get emotional. Afraid she would start to cry. Afraid she'd start having second thoughts, or be unable to think about anything other than the fact he would leave eventually. But he'd come back, at least. Over and over and over again. "It's not about me, it's about the kids. I don't want to be a selfish, narcissistic mother."

She shouldn't have said that, she knew, but it was like she couldn't resist.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

At first it had been nice. She'd teased him, reassured him, heck even slipped in a potentially unintentional babe when the moment felt right. But then... Well, then she'd ruined it.

It might have been a joke on her part, a poor attempt at a joke at that, but it cut right through the space between them and drove home the dagger of his own devising, plunged deep into his heart. He set aside the MRE, uncaring of whether any of it fell or leaked or whatever, and rose up from the seat.

Arcturus didn't say a word as he approached her, and gently, delicately, scooped up first Eloise and then Marcus and set them on the ground at her side. Then, with just as much effort, he lifted Ishani up too. Right out of her seat, until she was stood in front of him. His eyes bore into hers.

"Now, let's get this straight" he told her, his tone surprisingly very soft despite how intense the moment had presented itself initially. If anything it sounded as though he was holding back... tears? His face didn't show that though. "You are not selfish, and you are not narcissistic. Force, Ish, I said those things to get you off my tail. I thought if you hated me you'd back off, and realize what was more important. And you did, and I am so fiercely proud of you for reclaiming your life the way you did, the way you have."

It only occurred to him after the fact that he might have caught not just Ishani but the kids off guard. Just one more reason he probably wasn't the best for them to be around.

"Look at them Ish... Look at what we created. You grew them, nurtured them, raised them even when you thought I was gone, even when you thought me---" He swallowed, closed his eyes. Couldn't bring himself to say the word that lingered on the tip of his tongue. "Sweetheart... Alone, with two children, you've done so well. And I'm sorry I threw your life into chaos by returning, and I'm sorry that I can't be all that you deserve, and all that you need. All that all of you need. But don't you ever, ever, put yourself down again. And never in front of the children... Because they know, just as well as I do, that it's not true."

Arcturus sank to his knees then, despite knowing in the back of his mind that she didn't like it when he did so, if only so that he could pull the kids in to an embrace. Warm, hopefully comforting, trying to wick away any of the confusion or concern he'd raised initially. The last thing he wanted was to hurt them.

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

She had hurt him. It was written all over his face. She wondered afterwards if she had done it intentionally, but upon seeing his reaction she derived no satisfaction from it. Only guilt and regret.

He picked up Marcus and Eloise, setting each of them aside. The twins had fallen silent, looking at their parents with uncertainty.

Ishani saw him reach for her, but stood up on her own instead, ready to face whatever he had to say on her own two feet, without him carrying her around as if she were a child herself.

He didn't say what she expected him to say.

"You are not selfish, and you are not narcissistic. Force, Ish, I said those things to get you off my tail. I thought if you hated me you'd back off, and realize what was more important. And you did, and I am so fiercely proud of you for reclaiming your life the way you did, the way you have."

"I can't hate you," she whispered. Not when you're such a better person than me, she thought but did not say. Why do you think I was so quick to say yes to this little arrangement? They deserve at least one decent parent in their lives.

Him kneeling on the floor to hold them, while she stood there like an idiot feeling sorry for herself, only cemented her belief in her own unworthiness. She shouldn't have said anything to begin with, and certainly not in front of the kids. Squeezing her eyes shut, she turned away, trying to leave the cockpit.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Oh no she didn't.

The second she made to walk away, Arcturus reached out and snatched her wrist. "Don't."

He exhaled, carefully placing a kiss on each of the children's foreheads before rising back up and stepping around them, still with Ishani's wrist in his grasp. For once it was a hold that would not release with just the smallest tugs. He'd relent, of course, if she really fought him off, but he hoped that it wouldn't come to that.

"Don't walk away. Please. I've done enough of that for the both of us..." What he would give to be alone with her in that moment, the deeply rooted need he had to show her just how wrong he had been in all of this rising up within him. But they weren't alone, and the children were watching.

He released her grip, hands falling languidly to his side.

"Please, Rhiannon."

Ishani Dinn

 

[Ishani Dinn]

There it was again. His love. She wanted to bury herself in it, let it fill her, let it clean her out. Make her into someone new, someone better.

His grip on her wrist forced her to turn around, eyes open, and face the mess she'd created. The children, wide-eyed and anxious, unable to understand what was going on. Arcturus, releasing her hand and calling her by her birth name, as he only did when he was desperate.

Her cheeks burned with shame, but she didn't try to flee again.

"I'm sorry," she said. Glancing at the children, she turned back to Arc and slid her arms around him. For a while she simply held him, letting the veil of passivity she'd cocooned herself in fall away a little as she indulged in him. So much of her silence and aloofness was really just fear that if she tried to reclaim him fully, he would bolt like prey fleeing the hounds of her love.

"I'll talk to you later, when we're alone," she whispered in his ear. Looking down at the children, she said, "It's okay. We're fine. I just... uh, misspoke."

"Where's the 'fresher?" Eloise asked, breaking the somber mood.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

He thought for a second that she might flee again. His body was primed, muscles tense and ready to catch her. Maybe, he thought, he should let her go. Maybe pursuing this now wasn't particularly good for the children, but Force-be-damned she was making it so difficult to think straight. She'd always had that effect on him. He knew now more than ever that he had to screw his head on tight. He had to be in control.

But being in control did not mean he could not want what he wanted.

Why was he even running again? What purpose did it serve?

No. He stopped that train of thought the moment Ishani drew back and looked at the children. The moment she ceased in her desire to flee, too. They were why. They were why there was a compromise in place. But beyond that? During those times he'd come to exist around them...

She held him, held him tight and he held back. As though trying to piece all of the crazy, messy parts back together. Scrambling for what they were, for what they could be. Undoing the mistakes of the past; his mistakes.

He should have compromised sooner.

He shouldn't have fled at the first sign of change.

Arcturus said nothing in response to her words, merely nodded, and when she eventually pulled back he released her. If she ran, she ran. There were only so many places aboard a ship she could go at any rate.

And of course it was the children who broke the tension in the room. "You know what, I think mama was hoping to use the refresher too. Maybe she can show you?" He afforded her the grace to step out and have a moment, Force knew it was getting a little too stuffy in the cockpit at any rate.

He cupped Ishani's cheek for a moment, held her gaze, then nodded for her to go.

After which he crouched down toward Marcus and Nostre, and fussed his hair some. "Want to go look at the jellyfish?" he asked, "I can't imagine there's much in here to steal your attention, little man." It was, after all, just a cockpit.

Ishani Dinn