Private Promises

[Darth Daiara]

"Shh, shut up. Shut up," she urged, grabbing at his wrists and trying to calm him down. She was on better terms with her master now. One might even say there was a little bit of trust inside the codependency that had developed. But that did not mean she trusted the stranger with Zaavik's life. She trusted no one with it. Not Jedi. Not Sith. No one but herself.

She squeezed him until he lowered his voice, desperation entering her gaze.

"It's not like that-- You don't understand-- she's in me." Aradia released his wrist, her hands retreating to pull and tug at her own skin. "She used her life to save mine. You chose a path and you walked it, that's where your strength came from. But me? I've been trying to walk this middle ground with you for years and I was never enough.

But I'm enough now," she told him, her voice growing with confidence she rarely ever showed.

"She helped me find my path. And you. You understand it now too, dont you? We need this power if we want to stop them." She pried, scanning the rough edge of his features.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

Imploration was successful; he lowered his voice. How much he didn't like what he was hearing was practically painted on his face. Of course, it was a Sith. It was always Sith in some way or another wasn't it? Anger was stifled by a deep breath.

"So what? You wanna stay here? Live in fear? Couldn't even talk to me without locking the door and trying to hide. Didn't even believe I was me."

He caught one of her hands on its way to retreat. "Come on," he urged. "You've always been enough. You don't need some bastard keeping you locked up in here to feel that way. Let's delta. I boosted a ship from some scumfuck on Kol Huro. We can climb down from here," he gestured toward a window, tugging at her hand to implore.

"We'll keep doing what we do. Together. Just like we talked about, remember? Don't get all flaky on me now"

 

[Darth Daiara]

She tugged back, trying to keep him on the couch with her. "Doing what we do? Zaavik, we keep nearly dying. If we go back out there we'll just up doing it all over again. Listen, I've had a chance to think a lot about this.

"There are agencies out there with tombs of knowledge and they can't even take down the imperials. What chance do we have? We need to be smarter. We need to be stronger . I thought you were dead, I couldn't feel you anymore, I didn't know what you had done. So I yes to her. I'm her charge I'm not trapped here, and I'm not- I'm afraid of her. I'm afraid of you being a shit head and getting your face knocked in. "

She grabbed at his hooked hand and shook it pointedly.

"I'm not giving up on us. I just... I just think if we're gonna take on the world, we need a little bit of help. Stay here, please. Let me talk to her. Or hide, let me teach you what I'm learning. We could share this power. We could learn control. Stay with me."

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"I'm her charge. I'm not trapped here."

Why did things always have to be this complicated? He'd lament over it if there were no witnesses. A memory about the questions of lesser evils began to manifest. He didn't give it the attention it wanted. No, not even worth considering.

"We could share this power. We could learn control. Stay with me."

"Learn control? Aradia, we're talking about a Sith Lord, aren't we? I'm in control. I don't need some haunt to teach me. If it's on her terms, that Shifter is going to be the only one in control of anything."

In tune with the ups and downs, he took his hand back.

"I'm not Sith. I won't ever be, despite everything that hasn't changed. I ain't about take lessons from one either. If I stay I'm only gonna make it worse for myself, and probably for you too."

Zaavik frowned, he nearly felt a really bad idea coming on. "Don't do this. Please, let's just go."

 

[Darth Daiara]

"Don't be so stupid, I'm not asking you to be a sith, I'm asking you to think about our future." Now it was her turn for her voice to raise, stress entering her words.

"We go out there, we get on that ship, and what do you think happens next? Nothing's changed, Zaavik. And we will get no where unless we take control of our own training and learn. How did you even get here? You took power . "

She grabbed his hand back, leaning forward into the couch.

"I'm not saying being sith. I don't want to be a sith," she confessed, her voice hoarse.

"But the jedi and imperials are going to kill us if we don't get better. Here's a chance. Don't you see, that window's open, I could have left. Here's our chance.

"Our terms, Zaavik. You and me versus the world. Please," she implored, striving to catch his eyes and make him look at her. Her eyes still shone a dark murky blue, while his... a vibrant orange.

"I thought we've learned by now that titles don't matter."

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"I'm not saying being sith. I don't want to be a sith."

"Then come with me. I don't understand why you think you have to do this to yourself. I get that she 'saved' you but she's got you so jittery you thought I was her trying to mess with you. What kind of chit is that?"

"Our terms, Zaavik. You and me versus the world. Please."

"Our terms? How can our terms be under someone else's heel? Sounds more like her terms to me." This stopped being about titles, Jedi, or Imperials a long time ago. At least, he thought it had. Miscalculations like this seemed to be his most frequent folly. Nothing out of the ordinary. In truth, he'd predicted something like this in the dark of his mind, he just never dignified it with taking it seriously.

"I came all this way-" Eye clenched shut, a stutter making his words fizzle. Facial muscles contorted, lips dancing, fighting something. Tears, probably, but he wouldn't ever admit it. Never lasts long, does it? Should have seen this coming, really. Tension released momentarily with an exhale. "I can't."

"I can't," he echoed. "Not like this." Maybe she didn't understand. How could she? It was wasted breath from day one. At the end of it all, it would be his fault anyway, like usual. "I'm sorry."

A glint of steel swooped up from the floor. The lightsaber he'd discarded earlier flew to his hand from across the room, snapped into his grip. He began to make for the window from where he came once it coupled to his belt. There would be time for grief later.

 

[Darth Daiara]

No time to talk, no time flesh it out. He was up and moving towards the window, taking her breath with him as he went.

If he wanted her to leave, he had given her no reason to. No address to her concerns, no acknowledgement towards her points. They walked out that door and the galaxy would eat them alive. She believed it with every fiber of her soul.

How many times she almost encountered death? How often did she need help?

She saw no other path than the one she sat in. And he-- he just wanted to blindly ignore it all and charge forward. Typical. He was going to get himself killed.

"Zaavik!" She stood up after him, her hand outstretched. The other gripped at her core as her insides threatened to tear up in pain. Was this heart break? It was even worse than thinking he was dead, the image of his back on that windowsill engraining into her psyche.

"Please," she wheezed, her breath still swept away by his rejection. "Don't just run." Her words were barely able to escape the sudden slam of a panic attack. She had never experienced one before.

It felt like she was dying.

She clutched at her chest. "You haven't even l-l-l-listened."

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"Zaavik!"

One foot on the ledge, he stopped. Zaavik assumed she'd let him leave without protest. Maybe it wasn't easy for her either. Regardless, he was sure he'd heard enough, so what was the point in dragging it out? A leg swung over the ledge, out into the nighttime breeze. He was ready to get off this rollercoaster.

"Please, don't just run."

Chit.

Groaning, his shoulders sagged in momentary defeat. Why did she have to say it like that? Absconding from the window, he dropped back onto the floor and turned. Exhausted regard obliged her imploration, holding out hope that it wasn't more of the same. Already present was the anticipation of turning right back around.

She clutched at her chest. "You haven't even l-l-l-listened."

"What haven't I heard?" he asked. "I told you already, I'm not going to do this." By some miracle, he wasn't stuttering with anguish. One of them clearly had a better method for keeping it in. Difference in doctrine, more than anything.

 

[Darth Daiara]

The vice on her chest loosened as he turned and stepped down.

Not gone, not lost. Not yet anyway.

She stepped forward, not willing to let it go. "Do what?" She implored. "Talk it out? Keep your promise? Or how about find a way to stay alive that doesn't involve blindly running into danger-- We're surrounded by threats, Zaavik, and you're just gonna ditch me and jump out a window?"

A beat passed, her shallow breaths catching in her mouth as she struggled for her next words. "I thought you were dead," she practically spat, like talking through gravel.

"And now I- I-" Two vulnerable words stuck in her mouth, lingering just on the edge. One look at his unwilling posture made them impossibly hard to speak. It crushed her soul, her rib cage tightening with unimaginable force.

She turned away from him, hiding the sudden collapse of her expression his coldness brought forward.

"Whatever. You're impossible."

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"Talk it out? Keep your promise? We're surrounded by threats, Zaavik, and you're just gonna ditch me and jump out a window?"

Zaavik was giving her the fish eye. "What!? You're the one who wants to stay here!" The shushing she'd done earlier no longer had any bearing on his volume. "Yeah, why wouldn't I!? You've been here this whole time, and when I find you, you expect me to stay? At a Sith's estate!? Bhesj! That wasn't what we agreed. Don't come at me about promises!"

"-And I thought you were dead!" His throat was starting to ache. This was the most he'd spoken in weeks, let alone shouted.

"And now I- I-"

"You what? Spit it out!" Part of him wanted her to convince him. Alas, he was too stubborn to just take anything as motivation. Frustrated with himself, he felt impossible.

"Whatever. You're impossible."

Correct.

"Bullshit!" An inhale mimicked a clenched fist choked off the shouting. "Aradia, please-" Calmer on a dime, although his voice trembled with what was bottled behind it. "I don't want to be apart again but I don't know if I can entertain this. Give me something, anything, please. This can't be it."

 

[Darth Daiara]

"You what? Spit it out!"

"I love you you idiot!"

She screamed, a firey flash of hair and tears as she turned on him. Her words echoed back to her, freezing over her anger. "At least... I think I do." She amended gingerly, regretting the vulnerability as soon as it came out. "Or maybe I don't, I don't know. But you were gone and now you're back and I'm just trying to keep us alive, ok?"

The energy grew calmer, rationality sweeping through as she turned back towards him. "It was a suggestion-- Just one. We could of talked about it. We could found a middle ground, something, anything is better than you giving me your back." Her face was red with the pain that image and given her.

Like hot pokers searing into her middrift.

"Why are you always so unreasonable."

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"You-?"

Might as well have shot him with a stun round. All things considered, the claim checked out. It would be a lie to assert he didn't have a suspicion. Especially with how the initial moments of the reunion went. An even bigger lie if he were to feign one-sidedness. Yet, facing it proved horrifying, and doubts hadn't been totally quelled until this moment. Her eyes felt like a million more all trained on him, watching. It was a rare occurrence to feel so minuscule.

"Why are you always so unreasonable?"

"I'm not! I- Ah, fuckin' hell. I'm sorry!"

Zaavik shut the window behind him. The closer snapped loudly into place, reverberation punctuating the silence. Mustering the courage to look up from the floor was almost an insurmountable challenge. "I- Chit." He managed to make eye contact anyway. Somehow it felt harder than climbing up the side of the building had been. Fighting the urge to break it was even more difficult.

Against the pressure, he managed. No use coming this far to lose to something intangible.

"I love you, you idiot!"

It kept repeating in his head. The stress of the situation fought the smile that tried to form over his lips away. It was the best thing he'd ever heard, but it made him feel like such a nerf herder.

"I- Me too." His head shook. "Uh, chit, I mean-" Spit it out. "I love you." The words forced their way out, lest he hem and haw over it for the next five minutes. "I love you, too," he reiterated

Nailed it.

A wince followed. That sounded less awkward in his head. "I just didn't know if- Well, I guess I know now." A sigh punctuated the sentiment. "I'm so stupid." He couldn't leave now. Somehow we wanted it even less than before, were that even possible. The options still didn't sit right in his head, though. Something he never knew he wanted for the longest time was now do or die at the moment.

Why did things always have to be so complicated?

"I'm sorry. I'll stay." he conceded.

 

[Darth Daiara]

The world walloped, his confession throwing her for a loop.

The emotions he had elicited pumped through her like a tangible heartbeat. Everything felt so wrong, everything hurt. She didn't really know what love was, but she had seen it. The way Kaalia's eyes lit up when Ishana walked in a room. The calm that descended over the kids when they got a hug. ... The way her heart skipped when he said it back.

She wanted to reach out to him, but the sudden anger that had erupted between them felt like a barrier she couldn't cross.

She felt so raw in that moment. Part of her wished she had just let him leave. It would have been easier than confliction his actions and words cause.

"Do you?" She challenged, her voice remarkably small. "Because you were just about to go."

 

[Zaavik Perl]

Zaavik approached with odd desperation. "I do," he insisted. Hand and hook extended gingerly, reaching for both of hers. A maneuver that would have been painful to even think about before suddenly proving far easier than he ever imagined it would be. "That's why I'm here, you know?" What other justification made sense of the gauntlet he'd put himself through just to end up in this very spot. It might have been too much if he hadn't felt like everything was his fault.

Or maybe he was just that stubborn regardless.

An inaudible gulp crawled down his throat. "I didn't want to leave, I just thought-" Was there a way to put what he thought into words sufficient enough to convey it? He couldn't remember the last time he talked about how he felt in any context. Attempts to vocalize came out less articulate than a womp rat in a maze.

"I thought I lost you to that Sith. I wasn't sure of what I know now, and I thought I was making it less painful. I'm sorry you had to spell it out for me. I told you, I'm-"

A drawn-out sigh came with a frown. Eyes absconded contact for the floor again.

"Stupid."

 

[Darth Daiara]

One hand of flesh, the other a hook.

He had grabbed her hand on Vjun, and she had felt something then. It was a subtle reminder that helped balance out the chaos that was this moment. The screaming, the leaving, the... hook for his hand.

She looked down at it and wondered just what had happened between Vjun and now. He was about to leave her, but he had also.... found her. It had clearly come at a cost.

She squeezed her eyes closed and shook her eyed, trying to will her thoughts straight.

"You are so, so stupid," she agreed after a moment her hand tightening around his. "What were you just gonna free fall out there-- it's high up," she grumbled, her anger dispersing into a tired wave. Her head hurt. Her body was weary. She had been pushing herself to unachievable extremes, and now that he was here, that adrenaline had come to a screaming stop.

Her shoulders dropped, the tension passing.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"Yeah yeah, brain of a pit droid, don't rub it in," he chaffed, trying to jab at what was left of tension with humor. The flesh-hand matched her squeeze for further affirmation. Despite the downpour of exhaustion still assaulting him, he managed a soft smile. At what? Maybe he found himself funny. Relief and content were more likely culprits, though.

"What were you just gonna free fall out there-- it's high up,"

The smile became a small grimace. He knew what she meant, but he didn't really have an answer. "You look exhausted," he observed. Dual intentions, deflection and concern. Stepping back, he removed himself from being between her and the seating. An obvious enough gesture.

She wasn't the only one who was exhausted, but Zaavik doubted he could sleep right now if he tried.

"So, what uh-? What now?"

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia sat, waiting for him to join her on the other end ... Or perhaps a little closer, she dared hope. She was aware of his movement with painful clarity, their confessions hanging over her head.

"I-I don't know," she confessed, looking down to her bare toes. They were clean, cleaner than she had ever bothered to get them in dirt and grime of the ship life adventures. But her ship was gone now, and she--she couldn't help the tug she felt for the sith lord that lived here.

"I get it if you don't want to be involved. We've never asked each other to be involved before, I just thought... " She glanced sideways towards his saber.

" I haven't even been able to do that. And that's the thing, Zaavik. I was fifteen when they took Bastion. I never got the chance to finish my training before the war took over. I'm not a knight like you, I'm chit- I'm chit." Her nails dug into her palms in frustration, her point left unfinished and messy as frustration took over.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

The significance of the crimson blade hadn't truly hit him until now. A Sith apprentice couldn't even do that? Idle grasp shielded the hilt from view like a mark of shame. So much had happened since Vjun, and it was written all over him. Would she ask about it? What would she think if she knew what he did to a member of his own family? His stomach twisted, more concerned with her opinion than the weight of the actions themselves.

It wasn't his fault, he gave Yula the chance to get out of his way.

"I'm chit- I'm chit."

"Hey," he began to protest. The trashing he received on Bastion might have been a good counter-argument if the gap hadn't grown significantly since then. Her training stopped there, his didn't. Zaavik was the youngest member appointed to the New Jedi Council once upon a time. Trying to pretend they were equals in regards to skill would be a flat lie.

Approaching felt like moving through clay. He dropped into the spot beside her, uncertain of whether or not he was too close. Everything about this was very sudden and very new. Being comfortable with it was still difficult, but the desire to comfort and amend for his near departure was stronger than the usual repulsion of proximity.

"Give yourself some credit. You aren't chit. Chit wouldn't make it this far."

Was that reassuring? He certainly hoped so, because it was the best he had.

"I could teach you," he proposed after an intermissive pause.

 

[Darth Daiara]

But she had only made it this far because better people had saved her.

Vesta had saved her.

His offer struck a cord, the first reasonable glimmer between the two since she whacked him over the temple with her blaster and he flipped her on her back.

It was something, but... her thoughts walloped to Darth Mori , a need for something stirring.

A hunger.

One he had just vehemently opposed to sate with her. She grimaced and finally looked him in his eyes. Self-loathing lingered there, as real as the chains that cause those scars on her neck. But there was also a new calm... a sense of self that she had never had before.

"I am sith, Zaavik. You cannot give me what I need, and I need it to protect us both." She grabbed at his hands, afraid the words would shatter their fragile peace. She squeezed with urgent desperation, like one wrong breath would nullify his confession and send him running again.

"The sooner you accept this the better off we both are."

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"The sooner you accept this the better off we both are."

A wave of belligerence was coming on. It took a clench of his jaw to hold back uncivil words of the protest. Once pacified, it released as a sigh. Free space in his brain made way for consideration. Although it was unlikely his mind would change anyhow.

"I dunno," came the weary rebuttal. "I'm just worried." Had he ever admitted being worried about anything? The confession nearly tanged his tongue rancid. The last month had been spent wondering about her well-being. It was surely a relief to see her alive, but now something else took its place.

"You didn't even think I was me. You're terrified."

There was already hatred in his heart for this unseen dark lord. Just the memory of jittery Aradia was alone made him angry. What kind of cruel game was that? Then again, he'd done his own fair share of damage too. No. No, that's not the same.

"You can be Sith, you can be whatever you want, but you've told me yourself what kind of people they can be."

Hopefully the fact that he was still holding the hands she gave him was an indication that she was the exception. Maybe it went without saying, but he wouldn't take the chance.

"I trust you. I don't trust that cloak."

The five fingers he had left locked tighter while hook-hand remained an indifferent mockery. Don't be an idiot, he wanted to say. Couldn't bring himself to it. Maybe there was a filter in there after all. "If we need to get better, stronger, whatever, we can do it together."