Private Chasing Stars & Stellar Winds

[Asmus Janes]

“The fighting,” he replied with a shrug. “The First Order hasn't expanded into the core. Neither have the Sith. They're just…not doing anything. Winding down. So what would we be fighting back against now? We all decided it was time to stop. All the people they were persecuting just moved away.

“That was what we spent most of our time doing. Covering the refugees. I think the Galaxy is just tired of the fighting.”

He had been giving it a lot of thought and had slowly come around to Vo's outlook. It was hard to say who won and lost. The Galaxy just was as it was. The Alliance was gone, but that didn't seem to have lead to the end of everyone's way of life. Lots of little things had pushed him here. Lucy and Chad leaving, Vo giving him the push he need and more direction to follow the trail.

Four days had made a difference for the better. Even back then he had realised that. It was part of the reason that Kaile going hadn't hurt more, knowing that those four days had been a reprieve for the lonely traveller. He could still remember his first attempt. An exaggerated story about his journey to look out from the edge of the Galaxy.

“We can walk away from it all, but together. If you want to.”

His voice was soft. This felt almost like a final roll of the dice. If she walked now she would be gone forever. Last time she had left pregnant and he had sent her away to even greater heartbreak. That was still sinking in. If she went now, he would never know what would become of her.

His hands fidgeted together in front of him, the telekinetic barrier still providing a gentle pressure against his chest.

 

[Kaile Vera]

There was a long pause in the starlight darkness. Kaile has long since put an end to the emotional, self-soothing sitting rock, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t paying attention to what Asmus was telling her.

There was a faint curling of hope growing, that maybe they could make it work. Yet the pragmatic agent within still urged caution. It might seem as if they were involved in a circular discussion, but Kaile had to make sure before revealing any more information to the younger man willing to set the war to the side.

“Are you sure that’s what you want?”

 

[Asmus Janes]

“Yes,” he replied without hesitation. Everything felt as if it was bubbling over. He didn't know if he was going to cry or be taken by exhaustion and just collapse in a heap.

“If there's more you need to tell me first, I'll listen. Really listen, I promise.” Asmus sighed emphatically. “That your ship?” he asked. “Let's go inside Kaile. We can see if it could work and…if there's a couch we can both sleep on it.”

There was a lot he needed to think through. It felt hard to really form coherent thoughts. He wanted to give her some space too. This wasn't like the Subversion, he couldn't win her over by getting into her personal space. He also didn't want her flying off without him on a whim if he walked away. A little bit of Vo had rubbed off on him.

 

[Kaile Vera]

“Not yet,” Kaile replied with a subdued tone edged with a hint of anxiety. Her mind was racing. Going over the more delicate details, convincing herself that it was okay and that maybe she could give Asmus a chance. To trust. To have a little faith. There was nothing that Kaile would like better than to fall, to believe. To be able to finally tell Asmus what she’d been holding back for so long. That she loves him. That she needs. That she wants to be with him. Yet that fear always held her back. That she had nothing to give but so much left to lose.

“Sorta...” she hadn’t brought up Kurt yet either. “My best friend left it for me to use if I ever needed to get away. It was my only home for a long while.”

It was an admission that Kaile was using to fill in space as she internally debated and battled with herself on telling him the rest.

Asmus would be able to see the faint motions of her hands as she spoke. She was visibly nervous again. Hesitant. Kaile took a deep breath and held it, swallowing hard. It turned into a whoosh as she exhaled as if having to rev herself up. She didn’t have to do this last time, and to be honest, after everything said so far, even if she felt worn out and strained, Kaile couldn’t help but feel the jumble of nerves clogging her throat.

The Lorrdian was fighting herself, realizing that she couldn’t delay it. It wasn’t like she could invite him in without the blatant swell of her belly becoming a focus of attention.

How do I even start? What do I say?

There she was, getting emotional again.

Finally, Kaile just decided to say it. There was absolutely no finesse about it, voice cracking slightly, and spoken as quickly as she could muster. Asmus could decide what to do with it afterward. Regardless, Kaile already had an original plan and would stick to it. It had already meant leaving Rishi and everything else behind.

“I’m pregnant.”

 

[Asmus Janes]

If Kaile had stood before him with a swollen belly when he had arrived, Asmus’ mind might not have put the dates together and assumed she had settled down with someone else. That might have crushed his spirit a little. The flow of the conversation however, left little doubt in his mind what the implications were.

His silhouette barely moved. Asmus barely breathed. He had thought that greatest revelations were perhaps done for the day. He had taken such an emotions beating already that this hit an exposed nerve. No mental filtering between the fact and the emotional reaction.

To have come this far and learn that she had been pregnant with his child and suffered a miscarriage and then to find out she was over five months pregnant again was a lot to take in.

Asmus was overwhelmed. It was like white noise tearing through the back of his mind. Slowly, second by second that faded back until he could focus again. What was left was a small little core. Like a white hot ball. Blank, possibilities. Confusion, joy, surprise, all condensed down.

“Okay…” his voice was barely a whisper. Just an acknowledgement that he understood. “Okay!” he added more emphatically. She would see him nod his head. Asmus had to force his body to remember to breath. He was smiling all of a sudden.

He was likely to be a father in a few months. Kaile's struggle was now so easy to understand. Having to reveal the past and the future together. All as she tried to grapple with his return and whether she was still safe here.

Had she seen a doctor? Did she know the sex yet? Had she chosen a name again?

“Can I come over there? Please?”

Asmus knew he was going to have to sit down very soon.

 

[Kaile Vera]

To say that Kaile was waiting with bated breath to hear Asmus' reaction was an understatement. Even under the dim starlight, she was able to see the slight sway of his body as the extent of her revelation registered.

Part of her was glad that she couldn't read his body language in the dark. The results scared her. Every nuance would be second-guessed, questioned, re-questioned, and then filtered through the perspective that she was likely going to ruin any plans that he might have or force him into a situation he'd rather avoid.

Hearing him merely say 'okay' as he processed it gave her some indication of what he felt -- but Kaile knew that he must be reeling.

When he asked if he could please be able to come over, Kaile desperately wanted to say yes. However, she had yet to actually answer his original question of if she wanted to be with him, and Kaile knew that he needed time to really let it settle.

A shake of her head and she gave a nervous laugh. "No... not yet. I can't... can't trust myself right now. I just..." she'd just as easily latch on tight and not let go.

She swallowed hard.

"You ain't the only one reelin'. I wasn't expectin' to be tellin' you any of this at all."

And she was still a bundle of bloodshot nerves. To show some measure of trust, she released Asmus from the hold that had him rooted with the Force.

"Reckon, I can do that, though."

Out of all the times or circumstances Kaile had ever dreamed of revealing any of this to Asmus, this certainly wasn't it.

 

[Asmus Janes]

Asmus looked around for something to perch on. Deciding that the chance of setting off an alarm on the nearest airspeeder was too great he simply dropped to his haunches and then rolled back and sat on the ground.

For the first time in a while he looked up. New stars. The Galaxy took up most of the view but the many bright stars that made up the Rishi maze itself were bright.

“A little shocked is all. Wasn't expecting so much to take in. It's a little scary. And exciting.”

He had his palms on the ground, leaning back and looking upwards. He breathed in the night air and committed the view to memory.

“Do you know the sex yet? Can you even?” he asked. He thought about why that mattered. The pregnancy before - Quin he told himself - he hadn't known. For Kaile there must have been so many expectations building up. Almost an identity to the unborn child. It wasn't so tangible to him. It was a painful story. He wanted, hoped, this could be different.

 

[Kaile Vera]

Telling him the major details felt as if Kaile had removed a heavy weight off her chest. After all of the heated discussion, Kaile was glad that she was already sitting down. Who knows how she’d react had Asmus been visible and standing right in front of her, well within reach for her to hold. Even now her fingers were itching to just stretch out and clutch at him. To embrace him close and not let go.

Now the space between lies of omissions and a tangled web of secrets was replaced with an ever-increasing odd silence and scattered answers and questions. Fickle fuddled words.

“No... not sure.” She admitted. The corner of her mouth gave a slight twitch.

“Rishi ain’t exactly got the means and I wasn’t gonna risk bein’ seen more than needed.” her hands slowly began to rub together. “I didn’t have just myself to worry about anymore. Tried to be as careful as I could.”

Which led to Kaile’s question,”How did you track me?”

 

[Asmus Janes]

“Makes sense,” he said quietly. Asmus was certain that he could hear her breathing now. Sat in the dark in near silence, she must have been as emotionally exhausted as he was now. A few white streaks caught his eye, meteors burning up.

If she had another identity now then he could get them to Naboo. They had good medical staff there. Asmus liked to travel, but this freighter belonged to her friend. He was glad she had some. He hoped they had been there for her a few years ago.

Asmus realised that his line of thought was what Kaile had been afraid of. Everything was clicking into place now. Having
told him the truth she expected he would want to be there for her out of a sense of responsibility alone.

Responsibility. It had never been the basis of who they were, but trying to be more responsible was why they had formed such a strong bond in those four days. All he could do was be honest with her.

“Do you want me to explain out here?” he asked quietly. She was quite rightly concerned for their safety. Even if they weren't that active and whilst field staff weren't their top priority imperial Intelligence wouldn't hesitate to take an easy opportunity. No one to trade an agent back with so that meeting would probably involve a few hours of interrogation and being taken back to imperial space in a body bag. At least he was relatively certain that tracking Kaile here had required knowledge about her few others had and an awful lot of determination and effort.

 

[Kaile Vera]

It was one of those times where Kaile knew there was only so much pushing and shoving away she could do before it started to get ridiculous -- and unsafe. Already their emotions had bled out into vocal confessions that they likely shouldn't have said. It was to their benefit that this area was free of locals and isolated to boot. Any smuggler or pirate with a desire for receiving little extra pocket money for turning in an agent would be hard to pass up.

"No..." Her voice was a bit unsteady, still unsure. "Reckon spillin' all of our skeletons out here any longer won't do much help in keepin' a low profile." ah, but she still wanted a bit of that security the starlit darkness gave.

Ultimately, the Lorrdian gave a small nod.

"You can come inside," she told him, then eased herself into a standing position. "Get a seat on somethin' more comfortable than that gravel."

A glance beyond Asmus and the former agent drew her attention to Jay. A small hand motion and his power core came online again.

"Sorry Jay... had to stay in the dark a bit longer." With that, Kaile gave a sigh.

"Reckon light would do wonders too." there was weary anxiety that still ran along her nerves, but Kaile also wanted to just sink into something comfortable. Maybe have tea. Tea would be good.

Even in the dark, the Lorrdian would know where the small switch to turn on the lamps inside the converted cargo hold would be. They weren't harsh lights by any means, and when they finally gave off their soft glow, Kaile was now the one silhouetted against the backlight. The hair was longer, with a pink halo surrounding it. She had her right palm over a gently swollen belly, wearing a loose blue shirt that scalloped around her shoulders along with baggy tan cargo pants. She was barefoot, what with having to take off her shoes from wading in salt water at the Solaris.

Beyond that, Asmus would be able to have his first view of the Messa. The cargo bay had been converted into a living room if it can be called that. One thing was for sure, even if in his dazed state, the former Wing Commander would be able to pick up on the stark contrast it had from the utilitarian cabin Kaile had at the Subversion.

Though technically located within the same room as the kitchen, this area was separated by a small counter directly to the right. The Living room isn't large or extensive and is mostly filled up by a single large couch smushed against the right wall. This couch is bolted down to the floor, a comfortable haven, and covered with many blankets. In front of the sofa sat a small coffee table that was similarly bolted down.

There was also no way to miss the hot tub on the other end of the small converted cargo bay space. It was directly built into the floor of the ship itself. It had been a second-hand salvage job, one that Kaile and Kurt had worked on themselves. It worked on a closed, self-filtering water tank system. That a ship this size could even have the room for a hot tub was surprising, but Kaile and Kurt had done several modifications of the stock light freighter, and it showed.

There was a small bar that separated the converted cargo bay to the kitchenette. There was a full-sized stove, a large fridge, and just enough counter space to cook whatever one might think of. However, it was the life on the ship from the little bolted-down knick-knacks, trinkets, throw pillows, and decorations that really gave it a homey, warm appeal. It felt alive, lived in, and cared for.

 

[Asmus Janes]

Asmus finally stopped looking up at the stars with something to look at. Kaile still sported to pink dye he had seen in the holo-image. He had started to think that he would never set eyes on her again.

“Why are you sat down?” Jay asked.

“Lots of reasons,” Asmus murmured as he stood up. There was a mildly indignant noise from the droid, but it didn't invite any further questions.

“It is good to see you again Kaile,” Jay said as he loped towards Asmus. The pilot pushed himself up to his feet and headed up the ramp.

He had expected to be walking into a carbon bay. At some point it clearly had been one, but this wasn't a light transport any more. As Asmus looked around it became obvious that this was a home. The little touched made him suspect that Kaile had been living here for a while.

It couldn't hold his attention for long, even if he had to do a double take at the sight of a hot tub in the corner. Instead his gaze fell upon Kaile, eyes dropping to where they were always going to. He didn't really have much of a sense of the stages of pregnancy but she was showing already.

“Hey you,” he said quietly at Kaile. A small, uncertain smile formed. He didn't know exactly where they stood and despite being emotionally exhausted there was a torrent of feelings trying to force through the damn.

But he was glad to see her again finally.

 

[Kaile Vera]

"Hey." it was a soft reply, quiet and unsure. They both stood there for a moment, anxious and confused. Uncertain. Kaile's eyes were redrimmed from the tears she'd recently shed, face slightly puffy, those short bangs having long since grown out to feather along the sides of her face in a messy, but an adorable fan.

Her fingers were clenching and uncurling. The desire to reach out and touch Asmus was welling in her chest. But it was apparent she wasn't sure just what to do. They had both been through an emotional gauntlet of revelations, and it showed in the tight expressions and awkward glances.

"Sorry Jay... don't have a power charger station." Kaile added, looking past Asmus to the droid. She could perhaps rig something if she put her mind to it.

"Umm... I.. I can make tea if you want some." it was hard to not return her attention to Asmus and drink in his features. He'd changed according to the new identity. Hair shorn closer to his head - part of her missed the long locks - a thicker layer of scruff over his jaw. Different, but not. Those gold-flecked green eyes were still the same and right now, mirroring the same emotional upheaval as her.

 

[Asmus Janes]

“Erm, water would be fine,” he replied. “Shall I…” he then pointed at the sofa before taking a seat anyway. It was comfortable. Far more comfortable than the ones he had left behind in his beach house. He didn't want anything caffeinated right now.

“I will power down for now,” Jay said, before his eyes went dark. Asmus found it slightly odd that he stayed stood against the wall beside the closing ramp, looming over them. There was an outlet on the side of his X-Wings that could be used to charge him if necessary.

“I quite like the pink,” he said as she moved behind the counter. “And it growing out.”

There were so many questions running through his mind but he had to explain everything to Kaile first. Just commenting on the colour of her hair felt like creating a little breathing space.

Inside Kaile right now was a growing, living child. His offspring, a daughter or son. Asmus was half tempted to ask if there was a whiskey back there. He was excited in a good way, but it was a lot to take in and it was far from the only news delivered. He wasn't even sure this was all Kaile had to tell him yet.

 

[Kaile Vera]

"I can get that," Kaile replied, giving a quick nod. She took a half step, turning to pad her way towards the nearby kitchen area.

"Umm... yeah. Done it up blue, pink, and purple before." it was an awkwardly spoken piece of revealing information from the woman that in the past had been like tugging teeth.

"With blue tinted lenses," her footsteps were quiet along the mashup of throw rugs collected from various bazaars and street markets.

Opening the small refrigerator panel, Kaile brought out a water jug secured within its contents. If coming face to face with Asmus had been surreal during that original extraction, having him sat down in the couch of the Messa was beyond belief. The Lorrdian was almost tempted to pinch herself just to be sure.

There were neurotic, subtle movements to her motions that relayed her anxiety. To any other Lorrdian, she was verily shouting on a soapbox every swinging pendulum of emotion and thought.

"Are... Are you hungry?"

Small talk. It was small talk. The sort that Kaile wouldn't give Asmus back on the Subversion or at the Beach house. Everything was just raw, and it showed that the former agent was fluttering around without her typical foundation of support to stand on.

She wasn't an SIS agent anymore. He wasn't a Wing Commander. This was just like any other man and woman dealing with the chaos life had tossed their way and trying to make sense of it even if neither knew what first steps or path to take to make them.

 

[Asmus Janes]

“Erm, no I'm okay thank you,” he replied. There was a little more eriadu formality in the response than usual. Manners had been important during his upbringing when it came to being in someone else's home. Asmus was hungry almost all the time still, but his appetite had been thoroughly dashed. The Rishii had also insisted on feeding him.

Asmus wondered if he had failed to take his contraceptive pills those weeks. They were supposed to be taken regularly, but it was a bit late to wonder about the how.

He felt as if he should have something to say at this point. Falling within his own head didn't seem right. This was something they both had to work through. Assuming of course that she didn't vanish again once she had recovered herself.

“Have you been living down here or up with the nest?” he asked. The more important things could wait until he could face her properly. “I can't believe there's a hot tub in here,” he added. There was a touch of humour in his voice but he couldn't quite bring himself to chuckle.

 

[Kaile Vera]

“I - ah,” Kaile began, taking the glass of water she’d poured and set it on the counter. Fingers were kept busy as she returned the water jug into the fridge.

“At the nest. Bujak and the others were kind enough to build me one.” She shut the door and spun back around to take the glass of water.

“Only been back here the past month or so. Preparing. “ on what she had to do to find a new place and make contacts with the black market.

“Couldn’t keep this alias. Needed a new one.” She explained, which was telling. The call for ash had only lebeen recently sent. Kaile had been preparing to go completely off grid and AWOL before that, hidden even from the SIS itself.

Ambling around the counter and over to the couch was only a few steps, but it felt like a gulf.

“Yeah… kurt and i lugged that off a salvage yard at Rakata Prime. “ She held out the glass to him but there was no missing the tremble it had, “Got it in our heads to try — took us two months. Got shocked more times than I could count and had to tear up the entire floor. O-only managed to get the water system goin’ due to Kurt’s pa.”

 

[Asmus Janes]

How close had I been to losing her forever? He thought. All of those revelations would have been out of his life. Asmus could understand why she had kept them to herself. He would not have been ready to be a father. Telling him right after Quin had been lost would have been heartbreaking. Placing himself in her position he couldn't pick a place in their time on the Subversion when it would have been right to try and explain.

How did he now go about explaining that he wanted to stay with her, but not out of any sense of responsibility for the child? Was he ready to be a father now? Would he be a good one?

Asmus took a sip and tried to quell the growing strands of thought. He placed the glass down and met her eyes. Back to her natural colour. Those big brown eyes had always seemed able to hold such a depth of emotion.

“I know a guy if you still need one,” he said. Admittedly Vo had put them in touch, but his organisation had moved the credits around to purchase them individually for the rest of the squadron.

“I liked your songs,” he said quietly. Desperate for some form of contact the pilot very tentatively reached for her hand.

 

[Kaile Vera]

"I found someone," Kalie replied, but when Asmus' hand went reaching the Lorrdian grew tense.

"I.. need to get tea." she immediately said, words flowing in a rush. It wasn't that Kaile didn't want to hold his hand. In fact, it was taking every bit of control she had to not lunge herself forward and embrace him in that very couch. But Kaile knew that if she did, then she wouldn't want to let go. That she could very well lose herself against him. That she'd cling as hard as she could, pulling him close until his very scent permeated every open pore.

It had been everything Kaile had wanted to do for the past five months. Years even. But it wasn't the time.

"Was gonna go to Raider's Cove to make the exchange." she moved fast, ambling back to the kitchenette, pink hair swaying. Slowing at the stove, Kaile managed to remember to take a deep breath.

"... Reckoned it was easier. The songs that is." her voice fell an octave, unlatching the electric kettle. "You did the same anyhow with the map years back..."

 

[Asmus Janes]

“Was pretty proud of that at the time,” he said. “Shame the figures got left on Eriadu,” he bemoaned. Even now that thought could upset him.

He tried not to read too much into the obvious excuse to avoid his hand. There was so much going on right now it felt as if he needed to say something serious. Sometimes the easiest way to say a thing was just to say the thing.

Asmus took a deep breath. Leaning forwards he placed his elbows on his thighs and crossed his arms. Just as she had used the darkness as a shield he looked forwards and kept Kaile behind him in the galley.

“There's something I just want to say, okay?” he could feel his resolve waiver. He was close to tears already. “I came here with every intention of leaving with you. Or staying. That hasn't changed. I still…” a deep breath in through his nose and his hands gripped his own forearms tight. “I want to be with you Kaile. Nothing changes that.”

 

[Kaile Vera]

Asmus would be able to hear the slowing movements Kaile would make. The clink of a mug on the counter. The deep intake of breath that she held. The swish of water in the kettle.

There was a flutter within her belly, a gliding tickle. As if the child within had acknowledged what Asmus said. Kaile’s throat felt as if it was swelling, and it was just hard enough to say anything.

Her lower lip gave a quiver, and or felt as if her stare would bore holes into the kettle itself. Hearing him say that, confirm it, felt like a balm against a sore wound. Unable to help herself, she took a ragged breath, closing her already red rolled eyes tightly against the pent up internal dam. How can I still have tears left to cry?

Maybe, it wasn’t a matter of Asmus confirming that he still wanted her regardless. Perhaps, what it really came down to was that Kaile needed to allow herself to accept the answer. She’d been telling herself for years that it was in Asmus best interest to stay away. Even now, it was difficult for her to have a little faith and accept that perhaps in reality, it was otherwise.

Breathing hard, body trembling, and eyes already spilling over the only response Asmus would hear coming from the kitchenette along with the bubbling sound of simmering water was a strained, and breathless word. It encompasses a wealth of emotions, hopes, dreams, an internal angust, but amidst it all, a trembling if anxious acceptance.

“Okay…”