Responsibility

[Kaile Vera]

[member="Asmus Janes"]

"Yeah..." Kaile replied quietly, giving the Captain a faint smile. Did he think it peculiar that his nephew was being rather touchy? Or was he just used to it? The Lorrdian female could read that the man was starting to feel a bit of anxiety. He wasn't used to dealing with agitated females.

Is that what I am right now? Honestly, she didn't want to be a bother, but it was hard to consider that the clock was ticking.

"Alright," Kaile repeated, turning from the Captain after giving him a grateful smile. Not like this was the end all goodbye, still had to land at the spaceport and such. Asmus was no better; he was quieter, voice with a bit of an edge on it. So it wasn't just me.

He didn't let go of her as they turned and left the galley. Walking back to Asmus cabin lost a bit of its charm then. It all seemed so final. Kaile bit her lower lip. Her eyes began to sting, and she had to blink rapidly to try and clear it away.

 

[Asmus Janes]

[member="Kaileann Vera"]

"You're going to miss me right?" a wavering voice managed to ask as they reached the bottom of the ladder. The corridor curved away from them. His room third on the left, the refresher a few doors down.

Looking down at Kaile he thought back to the moment he'd watched his shirt flutter to the floor in shock. Trying to do the right thing he'd walked right past those sad eyes. Hands shaking as he locked the door.

He didn't need to ask the question. She didn't need to reply, though he would like to hear her say it. Really he was just filling the space with words.

 

[Kaile Vera]

[member="Asmus Janes"]

Kaile froze. Her fingers would curl around the rung of the ladder, head dipping a bit. Just the question alone made her belly sink, that freefall sensation that sent chills down her spine and made her feel terrible.

Her profile to him, with strands of her hair half hiding her face, Kaile barely managed to take a deep breath. Her shoulders rose, and she swallowed hard. A fine trembling came to her fingers against, so it was a blessing that they went curling tighter against the rung.

"I'll miss you." Kaile managed to breathe out. As honest of an answer as she could give him at that moment. Out of everything, she knew that was true.

"A lot."

 

[Asmus Janes]

[member="Kaileann Vera"]

He sighed. Asmus offered her a pained glance before looking down at his feet. For once he felt uncomfortable in his skin, standing there waiting as she dropped the last few rungs. This wasn't the way he'd agreed to live his life.

Kaile would see that manifest in a twitch in the corner of his mouth. When he turned up there was still pain around his eyes, but a flare of mischief in their heart.

"Good," he declared as the tentative smile broke into a grin. It didn't last. The sigh that followed was almost acceptance of what was the come. He took her hand almost too firmly as they went to clear his room.

 

[Kaile Vera]

[member="Asmus Janes"]

The rest of the way was a blur. Maybe that was a good thing? Honestly, Kaile didn't know. She wasn't sure if she really wanted to go over it. Dwell on it. Because honestly, she was struggling to try and keep a smile on her face.

Already, she could feel herself sinking into a morose state. Every step felt heavy. Hollow. She could hear her heart hammering in her ears, thundering to the point where she was so sure Asmus would be able to hear it.

By the time they reached the door to his cabin, Kaile had a tight white knuckle grip on his hand. It occurred to her that she should let go. That it likely hurt, but she couldn't. The slide of the door was a line of demarcation. One she'd have to cross in order to grab all of her things and say goodbye to this all.

For a moment, Kalieann couldn't move. She was frozen on that very spot. This was ridiculous, wasn't it? Considering everything that had come to pass in this tiny little cabin. Every experience. From the way he washed her hair to the way that he had held her tight against him, his voice a hot whisper against her ear, calling her name as he rocked against her.

Swallowing hard, she took a deep breath.

Stop it. Kalie told herself. Just stop it.

 

[Asmus Janes]

[member="Kaileann Vera"]

He felt her reticence to cross that threshold. Asmus didn't tug on her hand or try to coax her across. Instead he pivoted on one heel to face her, his back to the room.

"I shouldn't make fun," Asmus sighed. He took both of her hands, meeting her gaze. "I'll miss you fierce. Come sit down a minute? No rush. I...something I want to tell you."

 

[Kaile Vera]

[member="Asmus Janes"]

Kaile was momentarily startled when Asmus suddenly spun in front of her, taking both of her hands within his own. They pinched a bit since her tool clutch was caught between them, but the Lorrdian hardly paid it any mind. Her attention was solely on the jade green gold-flecked eyes that stared down at her, watching her with such intensity.

It wasn't hard to say yes. A quiet nod was Kaile's confirmation, along with a soft, "Okay."

However, that didn't stop the sudden sinking sensation in her stomach again. What was Asmus going to tell me? Swiftly, there was that anxiety again.

She gave him a tight smile, not quite sure if he meant to go inside the cabin or elsewhere. For now, she'd let him lead; although honestly, Kaile couldn't make sense of up or down enough to be much use at this time.

 

[Asmus Janes]

[member="Kaileann Vera"]

What had seemed like a good idea suddenly sublimated into an intangible mist. His youthful confidence balked in the face of her anxious smile.

A few backward steps into the small cabin and he led her to sit back down on the bed beside him. Gently pulling her towards him, he kissed the top of her head and encouraged her to rest it on his shoulder.

His room looked so empty now. "Would have been a different few days of we hadn't fought for the big bed," he sighed. That wasn't quite what happened, but he managed a small chuckle.

"I'm going to end up rambling now I reckon, just let me finish and pretend I said something coherent eh?"

 

[Kaile Vera]

[member="Asmus Janes"]

So there they were, sitting down on his bed while Asmus attempted a joke or two through this whole mess. It was nervousness. Anxiety. Kaileann could read that quickly. It mirrored her own, and the more he did that, the more anxious she became.

Maybe... this.. this wasn't a good idea. A thought came to her that in the past, she rarely got into the discussing of things after a tumble or two. Just a quick kiss and goodbye, a light wave off. Nothing more, nothing less. This was drastically becoming an unfamiliar territory and just by the way her stomach was cramping at the unknown of what Asmus would say, Kaile knew that she didn't like it. She didn't like feeling this way. It just confused things and made it all a mess.

Truth be told, the Lorrdian wasn't sure if she wanted Asmus to ramble. Already there was a fine tremble to her fingers, and if he hadn't been holding on to them tightly, she might have pulled them away. Things were easier with Kurt -- had been easier.

All she could do was simply nod numbly, nibbling on her lower lip with progressive strength.

 

[Asmus Janes]

[member="Kaileann Vera"]

[SIZE=14.6667px]The silence stretched out, he didn’t know for how long. Words rattled around his head like birds in a cage. Never staying still long enough to form anything resembling order. Asmus sighed. This was all very confusing. There was so little time left; he knew they would drop into realspace any minute. All that pain was back, raging behind her eyes. He couldn't push her any further for an answer, felt she would break. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=14.6667px]“Look, you've got my details. Please get in touch. I don't…I don't know what you've got going on, what's happened to you. I just get the feeling you won’t tell me when you’ll get in touch ‘cause you’re thinking of not doing it. If you call me, I'll come running. If you don't, well, I reckon that'll hurt bad,” he said, squeezing her hands. Just the thought of it did. Caused a pained expression to ripple across his features. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=14.6667px]“But you should know,” he started, a fond smile working its way onto his face. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=14.6667px]“Even if it hurts bad, if I could take that knowledge back to that station - knowing it would hurt - I'd still follow the same path, still go and find you. Because I wouldn't give up the last four days for any amount of pain. All the moments will stick with me forever. If i try and pin them down now into an order they dance around and play tricks with me. But they’re there. I’ve not felt like this before. Never. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=14.6667px]“All of those moments: when I marched you back to my ship in the most ridiculous way; when you damn near gave me a heart attack in the refresher; when I span tall tales just to coax half a smile from you; when you saved my life. Our first little kiss,” he said, eyes looking upwards in fond remembrance, “when we started singing together and how I was suddenly struck speechless by you when we were trapped in that dark tunnel; when I taught you to play handball so I could see you genuinely happy for the first time; when I told you you were beautiful and it stopped you in your tracks; our first [/SIZE][SIZE=14.6667px]kiss...[/SIZE][SIZE=14.6667px]when I made you strip your shift off and it was actually to take the edge off our desire; when I first tried to tell you what I was feeling alone in the cockpit; and when I showed you my stars and you fell for me just a little bit more.”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=14.6667px]Asmus’ eyes were locked onto her eyes now, watching the emotion play out in those hazel depths. One hand held her tight to him, the other held her hand tight. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=14.6667px]“There was our first waltz together,” he said, a slight flush as he recalled that particular moment against a container. “And then there was our [/SIZE][SIZE=14.6667px]second [/SIZE][SIZE=14.6667px]waltz together,” he added in a low tone. “And through it all our constant struggle with sonic showers.” [/SIZE]

[SIZE=14.6667px]Asmus paused, a more somber expression fell over his face. “I know there’s something going on. And it's making you think you’re going to have to hurt me. Hurt us both. Every time I say it, it seems to upset you. But I think you know how I feel, know how you feel. I just...I want you to know that if you can’t come back to me I’ll always think of those moments. The best four days. Maybe that’ll make it hurt you less too.” [/SIZE]

 

[Kaile Vera]

[member="Asmus Janes"]

The more he spoke, the more Kaile's eyes began to sting. Her vision blurred. Part of her was internally saying, please, Please don't say anything more, but Kaile found herself unable even to say that.

She just sat there, feeling such a well of emotions just saturated her core, spread outward until her lower lip trembled and she swore she could taste a bead of blood. She'd bitten it halfway through his monologue.

By the time he finished, it was all Kaile could do but just reach out for the scoundrel. She was quick, and with him just setting his thoughts and feelings out there on the proverbial table, perhaps not fast enough to stop her -- if he even wanted to.

Kaile hugged him, her hair tangling with his own in the rush, all limbs, and short breath as she murmured against his ear.

"Just stay like this for a bit, okay?"

It was all she could say. All Kaile could afford to. Tears trickled down her cheeks, and the Lorrdian found herself closing her eyes tight to hide her face against his hair.

"Just a little bit."

 

[Asmus Janes]

[member="Kaileann Vera"]

In truth Asmus had been thinking exactly the same thing. He was out of words, had run out of steam and would have come off the rails and broken down if he’d tried to press on. Gently cradling the back of her head, he pulled her in even tighter. He felt the damp patch swell on his shoulder.

“Stay here as long as you need,” he whispered. He didn’t say ‘as long as you can’. That would just highlight the fact that there were, at best, an hour from port.

His breathing was slow and stuttered as he tried to quell the furious rush of emotions, each clamouring for dominance. His hand started to softly stroke down the back of her hair.

“It’s okay,” he lied. That was all he’d been trying to do. To make her feel better. He knew now that it was all inevitable. She’d been given every opportunity to contradict him. All he could do was hold it back until she was gone so she wouldn’t see just how bad it stung.

Four days.

It had never been enough.

 

[Kaile Vera]

[member="Asmus Janes"]

They managed to shift down until they lay side by side on his bed. Bobo didn't even bother with the slight scratchings to get their attention. It was as if the tiny Ysalamir could tell that this was a private moment, that his owner was feeling rather low, and that only Asmus was able to fill that need for the present time.

On their sides they faced one another, his hand gently giving her hair a cafune. Lips pressed now and then against her temple, giving her a faint kiss here and there. It was juxtaposed with the faint squeeze of his arm around her, while her own looped just around his ribs, holding him close.

The tip of her cold, red nose was pressed against his chest, right where the collar of his shirt met the warm skin. She had devolved into small sniffles, just doing her best to try and not fall apart again.

This was a completely different yet similar scene to the one they had begun with.

He was young.

That is what Kaile had told her self four days ago, when she had stared at his sleeping form from across the cabin.

At the time she had thought him a rather interesting fellow, prone to some charm, perhaps all the too willing to play the game of what he had considered to be skillful seduction that resulted with comedic effect than anything else.

Stars,

It was so strange. Strange at the thought from then to now. The passage of time. Kaile back then did not want to be alone. She had felt miserable and depressed. All those days just trying to forget, to keep Kurt off of her mind only to now realize that things could actually get worse.

Much worse.

Just that thought had Kaile curl up her body up closer to Asmus. As if she could bury herself under his clothes and hide deep under his skin. Just the heat he radiated, the scent of a man under the layer of his shampoo and caf, it soothed her. This time, when she pressed herself against him from breastbone to hip, it wasn't as if Kaile were a child seeking comfort. No, it was Kaile needing Asmus. Not a random body. Not some nameless face-- But Asmus.

Tears slid down her cheek as she closed her eyes tightly. I don't want to go, a voice cried from deep in her psyche. It battled the other voice that spoke of responsibility. But as the scoundrel pressed another kiss along her brow, felt the heavy feel of Asmus beside her, breathing along the crown of her head, Kaile couldn’t help but give a shuddering sigh.

And silently wept.

 

[Asmus Janes]

[member="Kaileann Vera"]

"It's...okay," he repeated softly. From where she was, even through tears, she would have a clear view of his throat bobbing. He drew a deep breath and focused on the scent that had become so familiar in just a few days.

I don't want her to go, he thought.

For once he was left reconsidering his lifestyle. If he'd been settled on a world and met Kaile there, it wouldn't be over so soon. He was suddenly struck by the notion that his chances of long term relationships - of any kind - were limited to the crew and a few groups of smugglers they ran into frequently.

Their breath seemed to fall into synch and he imagined the stress leaving them both with each. Must have been something he'd read on a holo blog. To his surprise it seemed to help.

She wouldn't reply, but he hoped there was someone she knew waiting for her on Denon. Suddenly he found he couldn't stand the notion of her looking for work alone. She had Bobo, at least.

"So...I went to this restaurant," he started. There was a pause and a hint of a smile. She'd been so sad that first morning after Kairon had let rip at her. He'd found himself making breakfast and telling stories to calm down his pretty, pained stranger.

"Even when you're at the edge of the galaxy and everything ahead looks dark, you just don't realise that ahead of you is far more wondrous things that there are right at your back."

For just a moment, Asmus dared to look into that bleak abyss. A future without Kaile. No words took the edge off the fear that gripped him. The regret.

Ever so slowly he ran his hand from the top of her head, down over he shoulder, waist and hip. Mapping out her curves just to convince himself she was still there.

 

[Kaile Vera]

[member="Asmus Janes"]

There was a small shift against Asmus. It was Kaile, listening in to what he had to say. The faint flutter of her lashes could be felt just along his jaw, catching on the bristles barely sprouting there.

Another light sniff and she bit her worn lip. As his voice lightly fell over her, Kaile found the corner of her right lip slightly twitching. A ghost of a smile. That's right, the restaurant at the edge of the 'verse.

"Yeah..." the espion managed to murmur out, voice cracking a bit. It was a bit hollow, though, as if she too was trying to convince herself of that. The sweep of his hand over her had Kaile curl closer, fingers falling flat at his back, drawing up to feel the beat of his heart under her palms.

The Lorrdian ended up burying her face in the crook of his neck, her nose lightly nudging until Kaile found a comfortable position. Don't think. Don't dwell. It was all the young strawberry blonde could do. Thinking about it any more would end up rubbing salt on the wound all the more.

 

[Asmus Janes]

[member="Kaileann Vera"]

The silence stretched out. On the surface were two calm individuals sharing a lover's embrace. Beneath the surface, both fought their own private battles to maintain control.

Asmus pulled his lips tight, squeezed eyes shut. He brought up his free hand to wipe away the moisture before tears could threaten to roll down onto Kaile.

There was a subtle shift. A moment of nausea. They'd reverted to realspace.

No. No it can't be here already.

He rolled onto his side, tipping her head back up to meet him eye to eye. His left leg casually rested across hers. There was an urgency in that expression, fear behind his eyes. He pushed it deep down. He smiled. He allowed himself to get lost in those deep brown eyes.

He kissed her so softly.

"I'm going to miss you," he sighed. Eyes darting about as if they might find a solution. There was a scratching sound. Asmus managed to chuckle despite it all.

"Will miss you too," he called out more loudly.

 

[Kaile Vera]

[member="Asmus Janes"]

They both managed to chuckle at Bobo's antics. Perhaps, a well-timed icebreaker in between all the emotional ups and downs.

Granted, that didn't do much for tuning away the soft, lingering kiss Asmus gave her then. Realspace already. Too fast. Too soon.

Maybe that's why in that last bit of desperation, Kaile caught Asmus' cheeks with her palms.

For only a brief amount of time, the rest of the 'verse faded away as the Lorrdian let her chocolate brown eyes trace every single feature. The high angle of his cheekbones. The bright gold flecks of his eyes. The way his hair seemed to have a mind of its own and shadow him in its thick veil. Down to the tiny twitch at the corner of his mouth, ever doing its damnest to keep its upward curve -- even if the depths of his eyes swirled in unspoken turmoil.

"Asmus." his name was an ache as much as desperation. She kissed him then; had to. Lest she say anything more that she shouldn't -- couldn't.

Kaile kissed him hard, evocative emotions running rampant in the embrace. Just this. Just this little bit. Then maybe...

Maybe I can let go.

 

[Asmus Janes]

[member="Kaileann Vera"]

It wouldn't take long to make the approach to Denon, to wait in a virtual queue for a pad. Forty minutes to an hour perhaps. Some part of his mind thought of that. A quiet voice that was lost to the rest that wanted nothing more than to have everything drowned out that wasn't her.

She held tight, kissed him hard. A shared reticence to face the inevitable. He returned that kiss twofold. Turned his head aside and shifted his weight to loom over her, brown locks catching the light as they cascaded down over her. There was nothing modest in the way his free hand ran over her body. One last chance to touch her.

"...Kaile..."

He almost said 'my', but managed to stop himself.

 

[Kaile Vera]

[member="Asmus Janes"]

There was an urgency to that embrace. In the reach of fingers, that sought skin. The slight tang of blood from her cut was there, but it wasn't paid any mind. Instead, the driving focus was in the rush of hands reaching down to find the hem of his shirt, and the hum of gratification at feeling the heat of his bare skin against her palms.

This was a fast spiral. A sling-shot flung forward by gravity. Muscles flexing, nerves alit, and the contrasting sensation of the delicate feathering of his hair by her face with the heat of his mouth.

Every touch was a brand. Every memory seared into her mind. Urgency turned into desperation, a driving heady frenzy of need. Never mind the tears that soaked into her hair. Or the bruising each kiss managed to make against her mouth. Nor the white pinpricks the points of his fingers painted over her ribs, the dip of her waist, the curve of her hip.

Pupils dilated as if to take in every little bit of color; the inky black of his hair, the burning forests of his eyes, the sudden flash of tan with the tug and jerk that sent his shirt sailing over his head.

Nostrils flared, and Kaile's entire face contorted in desirous longing. Love me, the anguished orbs of tawny copper cried silently, her responsiveness escalating into a volatile vortex of heartbreaking desire. His name on her tongue and her heart in each caress one last time.

 

[Asmus Janes]

[member="Kaileann Vera"]

The look in her eyes made him ache for her. What wedge could possibly drive her away? He murmured her name as his palm slid over her belly. He could beat it. He knew he could. She wasn't strong enough. If he said the right things in the right way she would break. She would stay. But that would be a betrayal. If she truly felt she had to go despite the way she felt - so clear through those wide eyes - then it had to be good reason.

Hands worked on their own whilst his brain fumbled. Dextrous fingers removing everything that came between them. He pulled away from her lips, even though she tried to follow. His eyes drank her in as he laid her back and loomed over her. Grasping her hips firmly, his lips quivered as she embraced him one last time.

He buried his face in the crook of her neck, holding her as tight as he dared.