The Demon Within (Siobhan)

[Mirien Valdier]

"It may not all be on me, but you can't deny that I'm part of the root of the problem." Mirien sighed heavily.

"While I understand that entirely Siobhan, you need ot understand my perspective. You have two children and a wife. I cannot be what destorys that. I just ...." Mirien shook her head feeling the slightest trace of tears forming, "I can't do that. I love you to death, and that is why I'm about to say what I am. To try and protect your marriage and your kids, I may need to back away. If things are still this way without me, then I can accept you coming to me. Until then.... Sio, I just don't think I can do this like this. I can't break up a marriage. A family." Not when I know what it's like to have that torn apart and lost. "They are going to come first in my eyes. They are family. And I'm ... well I'm just me." She said with a shrug.

"And I know you still love Tegs. But we can't keep going on the way we are. It's not fair to either of us."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


There was a long moment of silence. A most awkward one. Then finally Siobhan spoke. "You're a far, far kinder, considerate and more compassionate woman than you give yourself credit for. You deserve the best," she finally said.


"I...need time to think. I'll talk with Tegs. I cannot dictate your life...but, if you back away, please don't leave. This place, this company, is supposed to be your home, too. I promised I'd give you one and I did not break your door down to lose you like this. You mean something to me. Our bond means something to me. A hell of a lot. I'm...sorry for being selfish." She reached out with her hand to cup Mirien's cheeks.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien's eyes had drifted to the table, and she managed a nod before taking a large gulp from her martini. "Perhaps it's old age getting to me. Letting me be such a thing." Because she'd never really considered herself any of those things. But maybe Siobhan had a point. She was being all of that in this moment.

Another nod came, "I understand, darling. I do." She sighed heavily, thinking for a moment. A part of her wasn't sure she could stay or that Tegaea would allow her to stay after this. Leaning forward she laid her head into the palm her of hand with a sigh as she propped her elbow on the table. "It's as close as I've ever gotten to a home." Mirien finally, sadly admitted and then grew quiet as she considered the rest of Siobhan's words.

"Sio, that might be harder than it appears to be. I don't want to leave. I do love you. And I know, I can feel just how much I mean to you. I don't know what's going to happen, but maybe I do need to go away for a month or two, give you and Tegaea space. I think you both need that." She finally said quietly. "It's not what I want. But I think it might be needed."

"I don't want to lose you either. I really don't. Not when you are the first person I've fallen in love with. So maybe just some space for a while, until things are figured out."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

"I won't let anyone take your home away because of me. Not even Tegs if it comes to that. I love her, but I'll let not even her do that," Siobhan said very firmly. She realised that they had attracted quite an audience, but did not seem to care much. A glare from her made them look the other way.'


She sighed. "Space...makes sense. Maybe Tegs and I need to go away. Or you go on a proper vacation. All expenses covered, just come back." This was clearly one thing Siobhan could not budge an inch on. In the meantime the waitress had come and served whatever they wanted to eat. Siobhan realised that her food was getting cold and that her stomach was rumbling. She gave Mirien an apologetic look, then started to help herself to her food.


[member="Mirien Valdier"]

 

[Cora Passek]

"Well that's perspective for you." Cora said softly, suddenly keenly aware of how long the Eldorai lived for. But that wasn't the point and Cora was letting herself get distracted! Well it was easy to be distracted when in part this wasn't exactly a tale she wanted to share, at least not in it's entirety. But that would defeat the purpose.

"Might as well settle in for a long night. You wouldn't happen to have something I can drink? Alcohol-ish?" Yep, asking a priestess for alcohol, good ole Cora. She really was hopeful, wanting that drink. After all it had been a little while since she'd had her last anyway.

"So, I guess.... The best place to start, is at the beginning?" Though to Cora that didn't seem all that fun. But, she did have to start somewhere. Though, the desire for a drink to steady her nerves was on the rise.

[member="Tarissa Cadalthor"]

 

[Vaena Askari]

[member="Cora Passek"]


Eileithya was a century and a half old. She was not a young girl anymore! Still looked good for her age though. Well, Eldorai aging was a bit weird. She shook her head though when Cora asked for alcohol. "This is a place of healing and you're asking for poison like that? I will really have to educate you on why that is bad for you." Eldorai alcohol tolerance was notoriously low.


"But fine, I'll get something. Nothing too strong though!" she said seriously. So she went out and a couple moments later returned with something alcoholic and a glass since drinking from the bottle was right out in such a prim and proper establishment. Passing both over to Cora she slid onto the bed with her. After all, if she was going to spend the night carrying out a confessional, she might as well get comfortable. "There you go, dear. Start at the beginning when you are ready," she gently patted the blonde's hand.

 

[Cora Passek]

"It's not poison, technically." Cora said, protesting as always. "What is bad, is not having it." She mumbled as Eileithya left the room. At this point it might have been slightly clear that Cora had a wee bit of an alcohol problem. Just a small one, but nonetheless it was there. One of the many things that probably was going to have to change with her. At least she didn't smoke!

When the redhead returned, the blonde smiled, happy to take the glass and the bottle from the Eldorai. "Thank you." She said as she opened the bottle and poured herself a glass. With a sigh, she took a large gulp. It certainly wasn't the hard liquor she was used to, but at least was enough to steady her nerves and made her relax a little. "So uh ... I guess ... it starts back the day I lost my family." Her tone drifting off, her smile fading. Clearly these were not happy memories. "That was the day I really stopped believing there was any kind of god, goddess or anything." A shrug followed, such strong disbelief certainly counted as a sin.

"I mean for the stars' sake I watched my little sister impaled upon a saber. Everyone I'd ever known dead. More blood than I'd ever seen in my life and I'd only three days prior turned eighteen. I barely escaped with my life. What was I to believe? That there actually was a god that would allow such a thing?" She said with a sigh and another gulp of the alcoholic substance.

"I got to Tatooine a few days later, running for my life. Too afraid to head back, knowing people were looking for me. Well the Sith were. I was supposed to be dead with my family, but I survived. First business I could really even get into or attempt was drug running. Stars know the things I did. People I hurt through that. I recall breaking my knuckles on a man's face. Couldn't pay his debt, and thing was I was just as scared and frightened as he was." Cora tried to shrug that off, but it was clearly getting a little harder for her. This was really going back to a time of struggling and pain that she quite frankly did not remember. "Everyday was a fight to survive. Wasn't getting anything easy, not anymore. I had no idea how to deal with that. Especially when I came from high society, handed everything I could want. I never knew what it was like to have to do it alone, without money, without someone to bail me out. It got me into so much trouble."

"Once I got settled into the criminal lifestyle, I just kept getting in deeper and deeper. There was no getting out of that once I started." Another soft sigh, and Cora started to do the only thing she'd ever known how to do, to deal with the rough emotions and that was simply to shut them off. To not feel was so much easier, better than having to feel the pain of what she'd been through. All sadness drained away as her features shifted into more neutral pose, and she folded an arm over her chest, her other clutching the glass tightly as she took another sip. "First being I killed was a Gand there. He owed the Syndicate a lot of money, gambling debt. Not that the details really matter too much. We got into a verbal argument and it escalated. He ... tried to stab me, and it honestly was over before I really could comprehend what happened. Hold out blaster saved my life, but gods ... seeing the life drain from his eyes, the blood on me. It was on my hands, on my clothes." She swallowed hard. "I felt him go." That had been an early manifestation of her Force powers, not that she was really aware of it. There were no tears, no nothing from Cora as she exhaled slowly, desperate for control over her own emotions.

[member="Tarissa Cadalthor"]

(spreading this over several posts, since it's going to be incredibly long)

 

[Vaena Askari]

[member="Cora Passek"]


Eileithya listened in silence as Cora relayed her grim tale. Knowing that it was not easy for the young woman in the first place, she refrained from interruptions or comments until she had finished what seemed to be the first section of a tale defined by lost innocence, a parabolic descent into chaos, violence and, above all, regret. But also survival instinct. Otherwise Cora would not have made it this far. She had been thrown into a cold world and survived.


Through often ruthless means, but it was the lot she had been handed. Once she had done speaking and was clearly fighting for control over emotions Eileithya reached out and touched Cora's hand. "'She who is without sin shall cast the first stone.' I lost the faith after I was taken as a slave. Very long ago. The world seemed to cruel t believe there's a kind, wise goddess out there. I regained faith in her, but not before I walked through darkness," she spoke. "You went through hell, got blood on your hands, but you did not enter this life out of choice or malice. Please, continue."

 

[Mirien Valdier]

"I appreciate that. Haven't really had a home or family before. Not something I really want to lose unless there is no other option." As for their audience, Mirien hardly seemed to care at that point.

"It's for the best." She then nodded, "I'll go somewhere. Don't you worry. You and Tegs are going to need space from me and hardly need the reminder of me about. So, it's just easiest. Plus, its far easier for the spook to relocate, even temporarily. Than it is for the people who have a family, a business and so many things to worry upon." She gave a small shrug, "I'll come back. Don't worry." She managed. Though she wasn't sure if she'd actually stick to that. The whole situation made her want to run far and fast. She hardly wanted to be around to see the result.

With food on the table, Mirien was relieved from the break in awkward conversation as she started to nibble at her food. The martini, didn't last long as she finished it off and motioned for the waitress to get her another.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Siobhan reached out and touched Mirien's hand. "Come back. Please." Yep, you heard it right, she actually said 'please'. It seemed like the building that was her mind was being besiegeg by siege artillery of regret. As close as they were, she recognised the signs that Mirien might really run away and not look back. Why did love have to be so painful? It all boiled down to the fact that she was afraid. She understood the logic of what Mirien was saying, but that did not make it better.


She withdrew her hand. "I can't force you. Force knows I've run away a lot when things got uncomfortable and with a lot less cause, but don't just vanish into the shadows and never return. Cause you know what, I'd fething worry. And we're bonded, no matter whether we're dating or not. That means something to me." Uncertain about how to continue, she began nibbling on her food as well. The martini did not last nearly long enough for her. I just want you to be happy...even if it's not with me.

 

[Cora Passek]

Cora managed a nod, finishing off her first glass of alcohol. With a heavy sigh, she poured herself another glass. At least that was keeping her calm, for now. Who knew how long that was going to last.

From the Priestess' words, it seemed she was not alone in losing faith. Not that anyone could really blame her for that under the circumstances. Nor would anyone blame her for the circumstances that she ended up in, forced into a life of crime just to survive. It was as simple as kill or be killed. And well Cora wasn't ready to give up her life so early.

She sighed again before starting. "Started working for a Hutt who did some work with the Shadow Syndicate. At that point, I was allowed to used one of his ships and do the smuggling runs to Coruscant. The amount of illegal goods that crossed through my hands was astounding really, now looking back. There must have been a dozen people who I ended up killing in the middle of those runs, people I couldn't leave lying around and so on. Risks just couldn't be afforded. Not for me, not for anyone on the ship. Not that it justifies what I did." Cora said with a shrug.

"Took a long time for me to make enough to get a ship of my own and really get off Tatooine. Though, it didn't get me out of trouble. In fact leaving the Syndicate behind, didn't do me a single favor just caused more trouble. From there I was on my own, smuggling still because it was easiest and got me much needed money to keep her in the air. Syndicate, kept sending people after me, wanting to drag me back into their little circle. A lot of bodies ended up on the deck before they finally agreed to leave me alone .. For a while at least." Leaning forward Cora laid her head in her hands, sighing heavily. "Fething mess."

"It was then that I finally had enough funding to really start arming to go against the Sith. I needed to do something to avenge my family. At least I thought I did." She said sadly, regret permeating her words. "Attacking the Sith Empire became more than just a desire. It became a need, that dominated my every waking thought. I could think of nothing but revenge." And thus began her long journey down a hell of a road.

But of course it didn't end there. "First place I attacked, was an old Imperial listening station. I don't know what I was thinking in that. It wasn't like they did it. Or it would get my family back. I think in between the bombing and the fight that followed a good two dozen were dead. Ended up running like hell after that as fast and as far as I could. But they seemed to have little clue who did the attack or why. I got away with that one at least, without too much trouble on my hands." Granted her definition of trouble, was quite screwed up by that point. She hardly knew what it meant to be in serious trouble anymore. Or at what point it was really dangerous to her. She'd just pissed off the Sith Empire. This did not seem like a wise idea. At all.

[member="Tarissa Cadalthor"]

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien sighed heavily, knowing how little Siobhan used the word please. Leaning forward she ran a hand through her hair, thinking, trying to work things out for herself. "I know Sio, it means a lot to me too." Another sigh, she was doing a lot of that today. "It's just ... I know you know this, but it isn't easy for me. I want to run far away from here. To be anywhere but here right now, dealing with this. I don't even know how to deal with it."

She then buried her head in her hands, "I've never even been in love, until you. I never ... I never let myself. And now that I'm here, in some kind of love triangle, the hell if I know what to do. Especially under the circumstances. I think, I think, I just may need time, and space to work it out. I just, I don't know how long that's going to take."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Sioban nodded. She was clearly still upset and looked like that, but she did not want to push too much. It might come across as being clingy. Mirien had her own life, but Siobhan really wanted to be part of it. But she could not be unfair to her, expect her to shrug off the turmoil she was feeling and act like everything was fine. Especially not after all the kindness Mirien had shown her. Fact was, Siobhan was breaking her heart.


"Ok, I understand. I'd probably want to run as well. I'm sad that you've never loved before and that you got dragged into this mess by me, yet also feel privileged that I'm your first love," Siobhan admitted. Aww, wasn't she being cute? "I'll drop the issue and stop pushing you. I'm sorry. Let's just focus on today." The conversation had been quite emotionally draining for her. Privately she was thinking about finding a nice hotel on Laekia for Mirien to stay in. Beaches, courtesans, close to all the good shopping malls.

 

[Vaena Askari]

[member="Cora Passek"]


"No, it does not justify what you did. People did in your wake, innocents even. But it makes it understandable. That perspective is important. There's a difference between making reparation for doing wrong and simply claiming one feels remorse without acting upon it," Eileithya said softly. She was not the type of Priestess who believed she should put the fear of the Goddess into those making confession. Most of the time that only drove them away.


Cora had gotten blood on her hands and descended into the abyss. Did that mean she was damned to hellfire? That was for the Goddess to determine, but Eileithya did not believe so. More to the point, she could sense that the woman did feel remorse for many of her actions, even though she might not want to admit it all.


"If I may, you have a very warped idea of what is 'serious trouble'. You thought your life had no value beyond revenge and all got tied up in the cause? You remind me a bit of Siobhan, back when I first met her. A long, long time ago. She was still a Yedai then, though as distant from that order as possible. Your intent was noble. The Sith are a vile evil that must be fought. Your life has more value than to be thrown away though."

 

[Cora Passek]

Cora nodded, "I understand that. I do." This part of her journey only really beginning.

A soft sigh followed and Cora found herself a little unsure how to respond next. "That's probably true. After the things I've done, getting out without a scratch .... without many people following, counts as minimal trouble." She managed a shrug.

"Of Siobhan, really?" Another nod, "I guess you have a point." Though she didn't mention which one she was talking about. Whether it was about her life having more value, or it was the noble deed of hunting Sith.

Pride for some part kept her from admitting remorse for everything. "There must have been a dozen escalating attacks against the Sith Empire. With the amount of bodies on the floor, growing each time. They all just blur together now if I'm honest." A sigh followed, "I was on Kuat when I met Zak. He was a sweet guy. Ticked me off, since he blew up the factory that I had planned to, before I could. I loved him. And eventually later down the road I got him killed." That event she entirely laid the blame on her own shoulders for, deeply regretting what she'd done there. "The people that came after me, but found him instead. Tortured him, to death. Which if I hadn't stolen the cargo from them in the first place, never would have happened. Ain't nobody else to blame but me. He was really the only person I'd ever been able to let in, to love. I never have again, too afraid of being harmed. Of being hurt. Or just flat out having the person used against me. Love is a powerful tool to be used against you. And it's the one thing you can't say no to, when they call for your help."

"So many good people ended up dead because of me. So many people who didn't deserve it. Caught up in between me and the past that still haunts me."

[member="Tarissa Cadalthor"]

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien nodded, still picking at her food. "Don't be. It was what it was. Couldn't really be helped. I couldn't love, not when it was an attachment that could get me, and them killed. I got close a few times. But never there. Just the way my life was. But it's not like that now." She sighed again and reached over, gently touching Sio's hand. "It's because you are special, different. It's a love that is deserved. Just try not to worry about me. I'll come back when I'm ready." At least she hoped that would be the case. But space was what she felt she needed most.

With that she returned to her food, trying to eat at least something. "Today's all we have." She said softly. Knowing too well, any day could be her last in this galaxy.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Thing was, alas, Siobhan could not stop worrying. It simply too deeply ingrained in her personality these days, but she would try. For one, she did not want to smother Mirien. "Yeah, we do. You're special, too. Very much," she said, then turned her attention back to her food. By now most of it was lukewarm, but her stomach was rumbling, so she felt like at least eating something. The waitress came back and refilled their martinis. Siobhan was so distracted that she neglected to oggle her, let alone grope her butt!


Time passed and their meal was over. "What do you wanna do now?" Siobhan asked, leaving the choice to Mirien. She had thought about visiting Cora but it had gotten late and something told her that the blonde was probably rather occupied at present.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Even Mirien couldn't miss out on the worry wafting off Siobhan. "Awww, thank you Sio." She said happily. There was a quiet sigh as she finally pushed her plate away, having eaten all she could manage under the circumstances.

A shrug followed. "I don't know. Not really sure what to do. Though, drinking really sounds like the thing I want to do at the moment." She said softly as she took a gulp from her fresh martini.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Vaena Askari]

[member="Cora Passek"]


'I am sorry for your loss' did not cut it. It would be trite. Saying something about how Zach's death had meaning and how he must be in heaven would just be patronising. Eileithya did not mention it, but she had lost someone dear to her as well. The woman who had helped her find her way back again to her Sciia after she had lost it on Sigma. In the end she had been killed saving her and the Priestess blamed herself for it. To a degree she still did, but found solace in the belief that she was with the Goddess.


Could great tragedies have a deeper meaning? Sometimes they could. But it did not make loss any less painful. "Love is painful. It can be the knife that undoes us. There were times when I wondered whether it was a cruel joke the Goddess played on us mortals. No one can expect you to suddenly 'get over' the losses you suffered. Yet you still have people who care about you. Despite the blood you shed, the deeds you did. Siobhan, Lady Alcori, Coryth Elaris. They are still here. I understand that you and Coryth have a long history together."


She raised her hand and gently touched Cora's chest. There was nothing sexual about the fact, she simply placed it upon her heart. "Zach and your family are still with you. There. You carry them in your heart, you remember them, as painful as that often is. And I do believe they are still watching you."

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


"Ok. Then we can drink together," Siobhan said, likewise taking a gulp from her fresh martini. "Maybe we should do that somewhere private though. Not keen on crowds. We could...watch a movie. Don't worry, I won't insist on a corny romance vid. Not really in the mood for one right now." It would remind her to much about what they were both losing. Maybe they could watch 'Revenge of the Jedi' and mock the crappy Jedi tactics.