Still The Same, But Different

[Connor Harrison]

A dry swallow followed as he noted the sting of emotion Taeli felt, with his poor choice of words. He bit his bottom lip discreetly, a small frown, and reached out and shook her hand gently under his as a mild show of support.

But she continued, and composed herself as she did so well to make Connor chuckle at how little she thought he knew of her – but she must have been right, as her bracer came off that he had been around all this time to reveal a hidden blade that wasn’t obvious at all.

Taking his hand, Connor’s eyes widened at the practicality of the weapon, and the fact it could slip on the wrist as a brace, and be unseen to many until used. Rolling it around his hands carefully and examining the mechanism, he nodded gently, lost in the weapon.

"Oh I like this…I like this a lot. How does it work? Never impulse? Muscle tension?"

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"Muscle tension," she said, smiling widely as he seemed absorbed in examining the weapon. "If you flick your hand in a certain way, the blade will come out. Alchemized durasteel, has no Force signature so it can't be detected, can store up energy like Force Lightning and discharge it when it comes into contact with something. Personally, I think there is a better way to develop these since they rely on a lot of tiny mechanisms within the bracer itself. Let me show you."

Moving a little closer to Connor, she slid the bracer onto his arm and showed him the needed hand gesture to make the blade emerge from its hiding place.

"I keep meaning to develop something new to replace it, but I just need some time to get around to it," she said, still smiling as she suspected Connor would want one of these eventually. He seemed excited about it anyways.

 

[Connor Harrison]

Sitting and letting her move closer, remembering his attraction whilst being lost in her words and evident skill in fashioning such a weapon, Connor let her fix the blade to his arm and stood up, like he was wielding a weapon of immense power.

He held his arm up and moved his hand, but nothing happened, so he lowered the brace and did it again and found it worked, a simple juxtaposition of his muscle was all it needed. The blade shot out and looked nasty and perfect. Moving his hand again, the blade fell back up into the harmless looking brace. He grinned and nodded at Taeli sat before him.

"I see what you mean, but this is great- do you, would you be able to make me one?"

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"I can't make one like that, not without getting really sick," she said. "Sith alchemy effected the steel after all, and I don't feel like getting nauseous in designing a weapon. However, when I get around to developing a brand new type for the Jedi, I'll make sure you get the first set . . . well after mine since I always need a copy of my toys I make."

Using the Force, she summoned her trusty satchel to her. The faded University of Lorrd logo could still be faintly seen, she just had never felt she needed to replace this thing. It had been with her for so long and was a reminder of . . . better days. Flipping the top, she pulled out a small glass tube that had what looked like normal contact lenses in it.

"You might like these too," she said, handing the tube to him. "Thermal and Electical Imaging Lenses. Can pick up heat signatures and the electrical impulses in body, even if they are cloaked by the Force since it doesn't rely on the light-spectrum. Powered by a micro power converter that adapts radio waves into energy."

Was she just trying to show off right now? Maybe a little, but she always loved showing off her toys that she personally developed.

 

[Connor Harrison]

A little disappointed he couldn’t get one like this, the fact she would suffer wasn’t worth it – however he didn’t care for tricks and Force power. A blade that, at the end of the day, could take a life if in mortal danger in combat was worth it all.

As her satchel floated over, and Connor tested the blade again, he watched her and saw the fading logo of the Lorrd University. Turning his head a little, he looked at it again and raced back to the jigsaw pieces forming in his head since the University motto had been thrown into conversation.

The University logo, the satchel – the desk, the books, Tae – Taeli…rambling, and that kiss, and her being so cute.

Taking the tubes and not really listening, Connor broke into a small grin and waited for her to finish talking.

"Why did you not remember me? How could I forget your name? It’s obvious – the library. Lorrd University!"

He gestured with his free hand between the two of them stood there.

"It was you who met me when I first arrived – but you had blue eyes, remember?"

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

Taeli's eyes slowly widened as he made his exclamation. She had that feeling that they had met previously for most of the day, but it just wasn't clicking, given the other topics of conversation. How had she not remembered, but now that he said it, she could fully see the handsome Padawan from when she had started her first tentative steps towards studying the Force and the various sects.

"I had blue eyes because my friend Christin gave me colored contacts to try," she said quietly. "I mean . . . how did I forget you? The handsome Padawan who helped carried my books and we chatted . . . and . . . the thesis research! That's why I forgot, I got so wrapped up in reading about the Force, about the Jedi and Sith and all the other Force sects . . . I must have just gotten so absorbed I forgot."

This led to her wondering something. Their fates had been intertwined even then, otherwise why would the Force bring them together again when she was a Sith and now as a Jedi?

"We were different back then, weren't we?" she said. "I wasn't nearly as impeccably dressed or elegant, but then the library required comfy clothes. You were so self-assured back then, so confident in knowing what your path was and confident in your abilities."

 

[Connor Harrison]

Stretching his arm in and out, still admiring the brace with the hidden blade, Connor payed Taeli his full attention as she slotted the pieces into place, and he smiled at the memories coming back, but gave a small flick of the eyebrows and semi-defeated sigh as it was clear he wasn’t the confident Padawan he had come to the Silver Jedi as.

"That place was great. I found a lot of knowledge there, but I guess over time it soon faded as my visits stopped and the training began and everything else about the Silvers took hold of me."

He sat back on the bunk and unstrapped the brace around his arm.

"It’s strange – look at what’s gone on since. If only I paid more attention to your skills at fencing than other areas, our meetings may have been a whole lot more different."

Connor laughed softly and handed the brace back to its owner.

"What happened to us. That paths taken, the mistakes made. I guess it only made us who we are and led us back here to check in on each other. You’re still the bookworm."

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"I still check back everyone once in a while, talk to some of my old professors . . . but I haven't been back since . . . well that incident," she sighed, knowing she really should go back and actually visit her parents' graves and her old school. It was painful to think about though . . . . but it was something that might help with closure for her.

"If we had realized I was truly Force Sensitive back then, I could have very well ended up with the Silver Jedi," Taeli said quietly, observing his fascination with the hidden blade, even as he sat back down next to her and handed it back to her. "So many things would be different, our lives completely different. If I hadn't . . . you remember Kar and his two dumb friends? Those were the boys who tried to assault me and . . . well the ones who . . . trigger my temporary descent into darkness."

Sighing again, she ran a hand across her face as she thought.

"It's like fate or the Force keeps bringing us back together for some reason," she continued. "Even through everything we've been through, I really do think we're still the same people we were then . . . just less naive and more tumbled by the galaxy."

She turned to face him better on the bunk.

"Through all the pain and turmoil you've been through and possibly will go through, I do think that self-assured Padawan I met is still deep inside you and waiting to re-emerge," she said, a small smile on her face. "After all, we've been through equal amounts of pain and I'm back to mostly being the same as I was back then."

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor closed his eyes and turned, shaking his head at the mention of the abuse she suffered. It came back to him now, faces in the University and names she had mentioned carefully. Her words were still hopeful, and even after everything she was back on track on the right side of the war to fight on.

"If only I’d have stayed with you…a few minutes more, taken you away," he looked at her, that glimpse of innocence in his blue eyes, " – my god, I could have saved you from everything."

He groaned and hung his head, forcing a laugh to diffuse a situation nobody could change, but one he would now carry as again, partly, being his fault and letting her down. He was here with her, but still managed over all their encounters to, somehow, cause her pain.

"It’s crazy. The Padawan is still there, feels like a lifetime ago and hard to think that was me. The places I could have gone, and the person I could have become..."

He trailed off with a sigh. Somehow, Taeli always managed to bring out the most human, exposed side to the Master.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"Hey now, neither one of us could have known," she said, placing a comforting hand over his own. "If my Force Sensitivity had been revealed that day completely, I still would have insisted on finishing my schooling first. I was a bookworm who was so wrapped up in her research, and knew nothing else beyond being a normal being . . . okay maybe not normal because let's face it, I'm quite unique . . . but no handsome Jedi was going to whisk me away before I got my master degrees. That confrontation with them was unavoidable, chalk that one up to fate. I think maybe it was necessary in the long run for me to realize things about myself, even if it took me a long time."

She could feel him blaming himself for what happened to her, and it truly wasn't his fault at all.

"You can still become that person, Connor," she whispered. "I see it in you, the strong but good man who was so self-assured he thought I would look good on his bunk back then. Don't try to deny it either, I remember that look in your eye when we met now."

She was teasing him a little, but it was true. Despite all the pain, all the tragedy that littered his life, she could still see it there. It was one reason why she was always there to support him now, she realized. Some might say she was trying to change him into a better man . . . but she would argue she was trying to bring him back to the better man he was. Even unconsciously apparently.

 

[Connor Harrison]

As she talked, Connor listened, looking down at his boots and moving his toes in them gently. At the mention of his impure thoughts back at Lorrd he laughed and hunched forward, her hand on his still.

"Ha! Oh well – come on that was my first real venture out to somewhere like that, so many people and girls and things. It wasn’t my fault – I’m only human."

He turned and nudged her with his shoulder.

"You didn’t anyway so don’t moan," as his eyes dropped a little, he nodded, "but you’re right. He’s in there somewhere. Not gone, just…hiding away probably. There is another angst ridden man in his place who needs to calm down first I think."

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"Don't think I wasn't considering it then either," Taeli said, winking at him. "Christin, if you remember her, kept telling me over and over during the days you were there to. But, yeah . . . I think if you can ever get out of your teenage developmental years, I think you have a chance of being that man again."

It was another tease and she nudged his shoulder back with a smile.

"You do seem fated to always fall into more angst," she said, tilting her head a bit in a sort of amused way. "Whether it's developing feelings for a Sith, who at least is a Jedi now, or developing feelings for . . . your Padawan, and don't deny it either, I can feel something there. You always seem to find the thing that causes you more angst."

It hurt a little bit to acknowledge the second part, but she guessed . . . it was to be expected since she couldn't see him everyday . . . holodrama made real.

"Maybe someone cursed you?" she pondered, going back to a slightly teasing tone.

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor gave a little flick of the eyebrows at her wink, grinning a little and tapping his fingers together in a steeple.

"I think so…not by name, I can’t remember, one of your fencing friends, or something? Yeah she was nice."

When it came to responding to the Master’s awareness of his shifting feelings, it was a little awkward as everything was so up in the air. His feelings for the Padawan, and his feelings for the Raaf sisters. Always changing, always moving.

"Oh, well, you know I don’t go looking for amorous Sith Ladies or eager Jedi Padawans. They just flock to me. It’s that Connor charm. And maybe you cursed me, still go some Dark Side tricks up your sleeve I bet."

He winced and pulled away from her, waiting for a hit, but instead he just shrugged.

"She’s ok, Chastity. Got a mouth on her though, and she winds me up with it. She’s got great potential, but she’s laid up now after an injury during a spar. I guess I pushed a little hard, but you don’t get anywhere by skirting around…things."

He slowed a little, realising everything he did was always skirting around things.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

She sighed internally as he pulled away, always something it seemed.

"As I don't know any angst curses, I can assure you it wasn't me," she said, taking the point as just good natured ribbing.

"If you don't push a student, they never truly learn," Taeli replied, looking off in the distance as she thought about one of her former students. "I'm sure she is nice, but do remember that in the end, if something happens, it probably won't last. A Master and apprentice bond can be strong, can lead to awkward things developing for a time . . . but something always happens."

Bringing a hand across her face again, she smiled a little at his last comment.

"I think you've made a career of skirting around your problems instead of directly confronting them, but then, the Jedi don't really teach how to confront problems. Bury and control your emotions. Don't speak your mind if you think action would be better than words. And so on and so forth. Maybe that is one advantage I have over others, I had a life before. Some feelings shift . . . others stay the same . . . people come and people go. Emotions can be good . . . emotions can be bad."

 

[Connor Harrison]

As Taeli spoke, a sliver of something – irritation or confusion – iced through Connor’s veins as she lectured him on the do/do not do of seeking a relationship. Who was she to say what would last? Connor didn’t know what was happening, and he certainly wasn’t expecting it to. Yes, Chastity was a welcome distraction who tested his resolve as a Jedi Master and a human, but that was all.

A small frown knotted on his brow, and if she wanted him be something “un-Jedi” like to confront his emotions, then she was saying the right things about factors she didn’t know to get him to do it.

"Alright, just…stop, ok?"

He turned to look at her.

"I’ve lived a whole lifetime under the Jedi. First Republic, then Silver, so forgive me if emotionally it’s a little tough. Unlike you flirting on both sides of good and bad, you think that makes it any easier?"

Connor stood up and stretched his arms, a little frustrated sigh escaping as he looked out of the window..

"You don’t know anything about her or what is going to happen, or what would happen, so I don’t need another Raaf lecture. You certainly didn’t get that from your sister."

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"I wasn't lecturing," Taeli replied, raising her hands for peace. "You know exactly how my lectures go anyways, so I would hope you know the difference. Yes, I don't know her and I wasn't speaking ill of your apprentice, Connor. It's just something I've observed, teachers and students eventually drift apart. If I offended you, my apologies."

So touchy about the subject though, that just screamed . . . well a host of things in his head and heart still needed to be resolved. He wasn't out of the woods yet in regards to his angst and turmoil, she just hoped it would eventually come to end for him and he could be the Jedi and man she knew he could be.

"Do you still remember what I showed you with a fencing foil?" she asked, switching the subject.

 

[Connor Harrison]

He swallowed and nodded, facing away from her.

"Well you’ve not seen me teach. I’m different – I do things different. She’s my responsibility and I’ll do what I must."

Turning, that un-nerving hint of menace about him present, he started to busy himself getting a drink of water from the kitchenette, because it was getting harder when Chastity came up to think about Taeli. Locking himself away on Hoth would be far easier.

"Fencing foils? No, not really. I know you did it, but I don’t remember what you showed me. Did you show me anything?"

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"No, you're right, I haven't seen you teach anyone yet," she replied, staying where she was while he went to get a drink of water. He was all sorts of in a tizzy now, she could feel the confusion rolling around in him like waves. Who should he go for? What was he doing? Was he doing the right thing?

Sighing, she would only do what she had for him since she had been redeemed herself, support and help him however she could. If that meant her heart was broken . . . for now anyways . . . well his happiness was important. She just wasn't sure how he would go with his emotions.

"You watched the practice when I took apart that big Mandalorian boy," she said. "I could have sworn I showed you a few things when you asked why I fenced. Maybe I don't remember right."

 

[Connor Harrison]

The tumbler filled with water and he took a good gulp, letting out a breath after as he swallowed, and turned to go back into the living/sleeping area.

"I don’t really remember, it was a long time ago. I know you fenced, but I can’t recall specifics."

He was being stubborn now, finding it hard to rake over old memories now he was irritated. It was disappointing to him that he failed to control his emotions, or why he couldn’t cut them off completely. Connor took another gulp and looked down on the bunk at the brace.

A dark thought crossed his mind – a nasty thought – and he chocked a little on his breath inward, turning to the table behind him and putting his tumbler of water down.

"It’s rubbish being me at times."

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"You've just had challenge after challenge after challenge tossed at you, no chance to rest or understand your life's direction," Taeli said, her face completely understanding, even if she could tell he was trying to be stubborn now. He would remember what she had shown him eventually, but she could feel disappointment with himself.

"Connor. . ." she started to say before stopping for a moment. She needed to phrase this carefully to avoid another fight. "As much as you think your life can be rubbish, as much as you sometimes think you are rubbish at what you do, I believe in you. I believe you can be the man you want to be, the Jedi you want to be. Maybe these trying times are your final trials? I'm not sure, only the Force could tell you and there's only one place to ask that and no one has found that in centuries."